Thursday, January 31, 2013

20.68% or 45.5 Pounds

Wow, what a crazy busy morning I had. This is the first time I’m getting a chance to sit down and breathe a moment and reflect upon my day. This morning was AMAZING!!! I mean my very first thing I do when I get up on Thursday mornings, weigh myself. This is the one time a week I get on the scale and wow was it a wonderful surprise this morning. I lost 4 pounds… holy hell how does that happen in one week? My body was playing catch up from weeks of good behavior and released it this week. This means two incredible milestones have been met for me this week.

Milestone 1… I have lost 20.68% of my weight since starting on October 4. 4 months at this and I have lost 20% of my body weight. That is fabulous. Milestone 2: I met my Vegas goal two weeks early! In fact, I am ½ a pound under my Vegas goal weight. Anything I lose in the next two weeks is just icing on the cake. Of course losing 4 pounds this week means that next week I will be lucky to see a pound, but I would definitely take that if it were the case. This means to date I have lost a total of 45.5 pounds in 4 months. That is really incredible actually. The number on the scale isn’t perfect but dang-it, I’m starting to get into livable range. To reach my very realistic, healthy goal weight I now need to lose 29.5 more pounds. I mean, saying I need to lose 29.5 pounds seems far easier than 75 pounds.

Truth be told if I could lose 20 more pounds I’d be pretty dang happy. That is probably a more realistic weight for me to stay at the rest of my life anyway. But for some reason I just want that 75 pound number. Either way it doesn’t really matter, I’m happy with all the progress I’ve made so far. I guess having a super busy week and not focusing so much on all this weight stuff has helped my body release the pressure and subsequently the weight. I really was AMAZED this morning. I do have to admit that this week I felt like things were getting a little tighter. I know that sounds odd but I swear you can tell if you’ve lost weight or not. I just felt it this week and was hoping for a good number, but certainly not expecting that 4 pounds.

My plan is to just keep going along this week in much the same fashion. Honestly I am so busy this week I don’t see how things would be any different even if I wanted them to be. Tonight after work I made myself a nail appointment to get my fake nails filled. Yeah! They are getting gross and too long. My husband works late again tonight so I will see what I feel like after my nail appointment. I will see if I feel so inclined to hit the treadmill or else take the night off. The only factor to that is tomorrow night we kind of discussed going to Red Lobster so that means I should probably exercise tonight. We will see though. I could just play with my new bosu ball and do some different kind of workout.

Saturday my husband is home and we are going to run some errands. Costco run, do a little bit of domestics and maybe Panera Bread for lunch. Sunday is going to be another incredibly busy crazy coupon day with my mom. All day probably doing the coupon thing so crazy busy here. I suspect next week will probably follow suit with me being so busy and then next weekend my mom and I are throwing a baby shower for a friend at my mom’s house. She is having twin girls. Anyway, that is going to consume that Saturday up. (And we are getting fancy cupcakes which are definitely my complete weakness!) And then a few days and it are off to Vegas. I foresee the next two weeks flying by.

There is also another big topic I need to discuss with you all but I am thinking that I will tackle it tomorrow. I say with you all as if there is some crazy group of readers out there interested in my every thought. Ha. Anyway, I should rephrase that…. There is something that I need to put down on paper for my own benefit and think that tomorrow is the day I should discuss it. There.

And there’s also the looming reality that I should just post my actual weight too. Based on lots of context clues it’s not difficult for anyone to guess where about I allowed myself to go, etc. It’s not really much of a secret actually. I don’t know. Maybe when I lose that 4.5 pounds and have lost a total of 50 pounds I will post a chart of my weekly numbers. I kind of think in the back of my mind that is what I’m waiting for a little. When I hit 50 pounds lost I will share all :)

Hopefully tomorrow I don’t hit the Friday funk that has plagued me for the past couple Friday’s. I don’t know. It’s payday so that is always nice. Of course what I want to talk about tomorrow is emotional and sad so that probably won’t help either. Anyway, tomorrow. For today I am focusing on the high that the scale gave me today. Today I just want to bask in my 45.5 pounds lost.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

U-turn

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, beautiful day, beautiful day. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won’t you be mine, won’t you be mine, won’t you be my neighbor? Yes, Mr. Rodgers neighborhood has been flowing thru my brain this AM. Some mornings are like that. Actually I consider it a good sign since I clearly must have a fairly optimistic view of the day if I’m signing at all and a throwback to my childhood nonetheless.

For some reason I am in a good mood today and that is nice. It’s Wednesday, so half way thru the week. Well technically around noon would be my half-way point. Friday is payday so tomorrow will be busy for me getting that done, etc. But who doesn’t love payday? And today is officially two weeks away from my Vegas trip. I am currently listening to Pink on i-tunes to put myself in the mood. Not that I need to get in the mood so much. It’s Pink after all and she kicks ass. That is one of the many reasons why I respect her so much. She is such a strong woman and I aspire to that.

Speaking of strong women I watched the newest Biggest Loser last night and I have to say I appreciate that Jillian Michaels is showing her softer side. It’s about freaking time. I know her whole identity is based on being the badass tough trainer but it’s nice to see she really cares to. I actually had a great workout last night. I bumped up my speed a notch and managed to do my whole 10 mile run at just a fraction faster. For some reason I was just feeling it last night. I was also sweating like a pig which always makes me feel like I got a kick ass workout in. It was mentioned last night that they are at the half way point on the show and I’m like, seriously, the show has BARELY just started. Why are they giving us such a short season this year? I’m so disappointed in that. Coming from a total Biggest Loser addict I wish it was on every week. Nonetheless I will enjoy it while I can.

After I finished up my run I got my new bosu ball out and did squats and some leg presses and arm lift things on it. Total and complete love for my new bosu ball. I am truly madly deeply in love already. It’s just fun. I am going to watch that stupid DVD it came with sometime and really see what I can do. For now I am just thrilled to do some minimal work on it. Fun!!!!

I actually can’t believe tomorrow is Thursday already, which means another weigh-in. I honestly haven’t thought about it too much this week or stressed about it which is nice. I’ve been so preoccupied with other things that this healthy living stuff just happened. I set a personal goal for myself when I started this weight loss journey in October for my Vegas trip. I had a weight in mind that I wanted to be when I went to vegas. I have tomorrows weigh-in, then technically two more weigh-ins. The following Thursday and then I will weigh in on Wednesday morning the following week since I will be in Vegas on that Thursday morning. Anyway, I am 3.5 pounds away from the goal weight I set for myself. That is not too shabby and I’m pretty confident I should hit that goal. Considering when I set that goal for myself that was a total of 45 pounds that I wanted to lose in approximately 4 ½ months. And here we are almost here. Some days I feel like I haven’t made progress but you can’t deny those numbers. After I booked my Vegas trip and was feeling like shit about myself I weighed almost 45 pounds more than I do now… no matter what happens I will be going to Vegas weighing 40-45 pounds less than when I booked the trip. That is progress anyway you look at it.

The funny thing is I have no concept of how much I weighed at any point over the last two years or so. This is what I know for sure, the end of March 2011 I was working out a lot I was down to close to goal, I was gearing up for my June 2011 Maui trip and my wedding! I was feeling pretty good. April 2011 I was still going fairly okay. Then the stress started to kick in and the middle to end of April and then all of May were not that good. I went to Maui in June not at my smallest. I have no idea how much I weighed because a girl in denial NEVER weighs herself. But I was happy and didn’t think I looked awful. I got married and was happy. I also ate whatever I wanted while in Maui.



When I came home from Maui I never got control of the situation again. My weight started to escalate from there on out. And honestly it started to escalate pretty quickly. November 2011 my sister Erin got married and honestly my weight was already out of control at this point. I have no idea what I weighed but clearly in 5 months I gained a lot of weight. This is a picture from my sister’s wedding and the photo taken the day of the wedding at the nail salon.





Despite the horrible reality of the photos above I still did NOTHING to change my situation. After Erin’s wedding we booked a family vacation to Disneyland for February 2012. I thought okay that is a great opportunity to lose some weight. And nothing happened again. Off to Disney I went HEAVY and miserable.





After Disneyland the photos are few and far between. Who wants to take a photo when you know you feel and look like shit. But my weight was always on my mind. The rest of February, March and April passed with me being miserable and sick. Then May 2012 came and I wanted to do something about it. Around the end of May I went to a weight watchers meeting and saw a HORRIBLE number on the scale. A number that put me back towards the very beginning of my journey so many years ago and then some. I went to weight watchers for like 3 weeks and then I quit. My heart wasn’t really in it. Also, I joined at a stupid time. My birthday was the end of May, Chris’s birthday is the end of May. Our 1 year anniversary was the beginning of June and we went to the beach for the weekend and this is where I lost it and never went back.
June passed, July came and went August was here and I was getting more miserable. September 2012 hit and I was starting to get ready and then of course the end of September I booked my Vegas trip and then for some reason October 2012 was FINALLY time.

I guess my point in all that is where I sit today I have little concept of the last time I was this weight. For a long time I thought I was still weighing more now than I did in Disneyland or at my sister Erin’s wedding, but I don’t think that’s true anymore. I am thinking my current weight might be closer to my Maui weight. I might have been a few pounds lighter in Maui 2011 but I’m thinking I’m close now to around there. And of course I’ve got 4 months until I go to Maui again, lots of time to get down to goal and drop the rest of this weight.

This has been a nice little look back thru memory lane for me today. I need reminders like this to truly see the progress of how far I’ve come. I also need to remind myself that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Anything really is possible. It’s only taken about 4 ½ -5 months to change my life, my outlook on myself and how I feel. How I feel is the most important part. I haven’t felt this good in well almost 2 years. You’d have to go back to April/May 2011 to find me at this place in my life.

I guess my pinterest for the day sums it up better than I can really…

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Room Tour

I don’t have too much to say today. Guess some days are like that and it’s okay. Last night I came home and ran, same old, same old. I had a wonderful Mexican food dinner with my husband and we pretty much went to bed thereafter. Pretty boring! But I thought for lack of a fun post today I would post pictures of my treadmill or rather my treadmill room. I pretty much have one room in my house dedicated to my treadmill and all things girly that I love. So this first picture is where I spend most of my days.



This next picture is what the wall on the side looks like. There is a Barbie calendar hanging by the treadmill where I record my daily exercise. That picture frame is full of inspirational running stuff.



This is the other side of the room where I have some crafty stuff and some girly stuff and of course the TV in the corner where hours and hours of Biggest Loser are consumed.



And above the closet, which I stare at directly when I run I put this lovely quote…
Some succeed because they are destined to;
Most succeed because they are determined to.
Notice the TV directly on the right.



This is basically where I spend a lot of my free time, in this room. What you probably won’t believe but would get a kick out of is that if you open up that closet you will find my stockpile of cleaning supplies. It’s pretty insane. I probably have like 70 bottles of laundry detergent. Oh, it’s full of many fun things in there. All couponed for free or close to of course.

That photo on the wall is a picture I took in Maui of downtown Lahainia, one of my favorite places in the world. The place I can’t wait to go back to in June. I guess that’s about it. I just feel lucky that I own my house and can decorate anyway I want. And that my husband is so freaking understanding that he allows me a room to decorate anyway I want so that I have peace when I run. Actually the room is a little messy right now but I didn’t really think about that too much when I took the photos.

Anyway tonight I get to watch last night’s new Biggest Loser so that is fun. Tuesday is always a good day for me because of that. I am feeling pretty good and happy today. Been very busy that it is about it I guess. Oh wait, my bosu ball was delivered this afternoon according to amazon so I have that to look forward to tonight as well. Fun! I know I have to blow it up and I hope it’s not too hard. I’m really looking forward to balancing on it and then eventually doing other activities as well. It comes with a DVD of exercises that I may have to watch.

I’ve really gotten back into my couponing world the past couple weeks and its starting to be fun again. It always goes in strides. I usually burn myself out around Thanksgiving and don’t coupon all of December because there’s just too much else going on. I was in a funk the beginning of January but I feel myself lifting out of that and really enjoying it again and I’m so thankful for that. I really do love couponing almost as much as I love running. See, there is more to me than just health and fitness! You all know now that I am a coupon addict and I’ve only touched the surface of that topic. And of course there’s me Pink obsession (Pink as in the musical artist that I am flying to Vegas to see) and of course my undying love for Maui. Just like an onion, so many layers to peel back!

I would be remise if I did not post one of my pinterest quotes as I freaking love them and look at them and sometimes just nod by head at how profound some of them seem….

Monday, January 28, 2013

Inside my Head

I have to say that once again stating my intentions out loud on this blog really does hold me accountable for my actions. This is exactly what I need. Based on my post Friday, I had intended to run Friday night, gym Saturday with Mom and then run Sunday night. Everything went according to plan Friday night and I did in fact go to the gym with my mom on Saturday but then by the time Sunday night came around I REALLY did not want to run. Then I remembered my promise to myself and I changed and I ran. Had I not stated my intentions it might not have happened. Thank you bizarre reality of the world wide web for having some stupid pull over me.

Backing it up Friday night was a great run. I felt awesome. That’s what happens when you take a night off, I was in fact fierce Friday night and I felt amazing doing it. Saturday morning I got up and immediately put on workout clothes and headed to the gym with my mom. Hmm… what to say about the gym. I have never been a gym person for the simple reality that I have to many fucked up body issues looming in my head. I realize that no one is watching me or cares how I look while exercising or even how I look period. I completely get this. It’s not everyone else I care about so much. It’s me. Much like I am not to weigh myself except for once a week on the designated weigh in day, I think for the most part its best for me to avoid gyms for the same reason. They both fuck with my head and inner psyche. They throw me off my plan.

I can feel great about myself and great about a workout and then if I saw a number on the scale it would totally fuck up my day because inevitably it would somehow wouldn’t be good enough. Or if it was good enough and I didn’t do any better later in the week or worse if that number earlier was somehow manages to be a little higher on my official weigh-in day I would go into crazy town. No one needs crazy town. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I have completely come to grips with the weighing in the one and only time each week. It is what I must do to stay sane.

So now on to the gym. My brain has issues. Not that anyone severely overweight doesn’t have some mental issues that cause them to gain the weight, etc. I am a smart girl, I completely understand this. But somewhere in the back of my head I am never good enough or thin enough. I so desperately want to be fashionable and cute and desirable. Yes, I am now married and my husband tells me he loves me all the time and I know he desires me and that is wonderful. I won’t complain about that. It’s not that I want men to want me. That’s not really what I’m saying. I guess I want to want me. I want to be the image that society creates that is completely fucked up. Even though I know deep down its stupid and not real and not necessary and ultimately I can NEVER been the Barbie doll I love so much. (Yes, I am the hugest Barbie doll fan even today!).

I understand logically that I can’t be more than I am. For the most part I completely accept that and am happy with the person I see in the mirror. I am happy with the strides I have taken. I am happy with my place in the world. Sometimes going to a gym, even one as nice and low key as the one my mom goes to, just fucks with the head. There always has to be those ultra-skinny bitches who are literally trying to be Barbie dolls. Me and my mom were on a weight machine and right in front of us was the FAKEST girl I have seen in a while. She probably was 22-24ish. She had dyed blond hair. So do I, so of course that unto itself didn’t bother me. But she had that dyed hair with the horrible black roots. It looked tacky. And then she must have been maybe like 110-120 pounds. My perception is way off when it comes to weight so it’s possible she weighed 100 pounds. I don’t know, I’ve never been anywhere near that weight so I have no idea. But the killer to all this is she had the most gigantic pair of FAKE boobs ever. You could tell they were fake because they looked so ridiculous and out of proportion to her entire body. It was really quite sad actually.

So the reality is I have zero desire to be anything like this girl. Mostly I found myself feeling sad for her because to be so obviously sexual she probably has low self-esteem or self-worth issues. I like my life, I love my husband and I don’t need and or want big old fake ridiculous boobs. I am happy with my place in the world. I love my life actually. I just can’t help it if seeing a group of young fake girls sparks some sort of mental thing in my brain. Maybe it’s a missed out on youth. I wouldn’t trade where I am in my life for anything but I missed out on being young and desired. I flew threw 16-25 being incredibly overweight and having never kissed a boy. My husband is the one and only man I have ever kissed. Again, I am okay with all this. I just think in terms of gyms they tend to bring out the anxiety in me. They bring out the jealousy and crazy Emily.

I think what I realized on Saturday a little bit too is that I was sad because I am not physically where I want to be. Sure I can run. But I think I am jealous of the people I saw at the gym who are fit and doing the things I wish I could do. I know jealousy is a stupid emotion because I could work hard and do it but sometimes you just have to know your limits.

Now with all this said, it wasn’t that bad and I had a good time. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just said above but the reality is those were fleeting moments and thoughts that I am choosing to dwell on here on this blog, but while I was at the gym I felt okay and I did have fun. I did some of the weight machines which were nice and I did try the rowing machine which was fun.

But the number one thing I completely fell in love with was a bosu ball. I have seen them obviously a million times before but I had never gotten on one. Um… Oh my… I am completely smitten. I love the thing so much. So much so that I came home and promptly ordered this bad boy from amazon…

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00012PDMW/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00




I know its a little less quality than the ones at a gym but the reviews are mostly positive and I am not going to be doing industrial strength shit on it so I think it should be fine. It has shipped and it will arrive tomorrow. I am excited. I love balancing on it so much that I thought I would totally do it around my house all the time. I will let you know how that goes.

After the gym my mom and I ran some shopping/couponing errands and then we went back to her house and I spent the evening organizing coupons and getting ready for my Sunday morning coupon shopping. In the world of coupons Sunday mornings are a big deal. New ads come out on Sunday so you must be at Rite-Aid and Walgreens first thing Sunday morning. It is a lot of work getting your stuff organized and coupons ready for the Sunday morning deals. I was pretty tired Saturday night and then I woke up to be at my mom’s house at 7:30 on Sunday and then we were at Rite Aid when they opened a 8 AM. We spend all morning doing our couponing. We got done around 12:30 or 1-ish. My mom went to a movie with my sister and I came home to organize and clean up a little.

I actually cleaned out some clothes and got out some bags of the clothes that were previously too small to wear. I went thru them and found some new shirts to wear out of my old clothes. That is always nice. I really at this point was exhausted and didn’t want to run, but remembering my promise to myself I changed and ran. Once I got going it felt good, as it always does. I ran 10 miles and called it good. My husband was home by then and we had a lovely pork dinner and that was pretty much it.

My eating was pretty good this weekend overall. My food didn’t go over but I did lack some water. It is always harder to be away from my work routine. I am pretty pleased with my weekend overall. Since getting back into the couponing a little more it really has released some of the pressure on the dieting that I put on myself. It’s nice to be busy I guess. Too busy to really worry about what the scale is doing. Instead just eat well, exercise and get thru the rest of my life. There simply are no shortcuts or quick fixes to any of this. It just takes time and of course a little hard work from time to time.



Friday, January 25, 2013

Fierce

This morning has been another busy one at work. I’ve been trying to get a lot done and then I was working on getting some couponing stuff done as well. Glad the day is almost over. My leg is still hurting a little but I am going to run tonight anyway. I listened to my legs last night and took the night off. Chris was home so we went out to dinner. We went to a Mongolian grill restaurant, one where you load up the foods and then they cook it on the big grill. I ate tons of vegetables but I am always slightly weary of this. But whatever, a big old bowl of onions, mushrooms, bean sprouts, and peppers with a little bit of shrimp and salmon on top can’t be all that bad. Thus, I did NOT run.

That means tonight I will be running. I have this gut feeling it’s not going to be great since my leg is feeling tight. It doesn’t matter I’m going to make myself do it anyway. I don’t know what it is about Friday’s that always makes me off in terms of my motivation or my mood. Maybe it’s the day after weighing-in that gets to me. I don’t know. The last two Fridays in a row I have felt blah and today is no exception. I don’t have the fire in my belly today but I’m going to make myself do it anyway. I guess that is commitment. Even when you don’t really want to, just doing it anyway.

On days like this I have to go back to the reality that okay so I don’t want to do this, what other choice do I have? To give it up, sit on my ass watching TV and eating Mcdonalds? I laugh because right now that is just not an option for me. A. I’ve worked too damned hard already and B. I was so physically SICK all the time 5 months ago when I was doing that. I literally wanted to throw up all the time and I dragged big time in my every day activities. I do NOT want to go back to that. So I will push thru and do what I know is good for my body.

Chris is home again today but I told him that if we went out to dinner last night than tonight it was a must that I come home and run. He is completely respectful of my wishes. He is actually quite awesome. I am going to run, he is going to run some errands this afternoon and then be home about the same time as me and then do the laundry and start making dinner while I run. Um… what a keeper  We are having a grilled pork roast and fresh veggies. He is actually an excellent cook and I have to admit he does 80% of the cooking in our house. He really is better at it than me plus I just hate doing it.

My ultimate plan is to try and go to the gym tomorrow with my mom. We will see how that goes. Of course I will let you know. I think my body has been telling me lately that it’s kind of tired of the rut I put it in. Not only with the constant same exercise but I’m getting incredibly bored with my boxed meal lunches. (Lean Cuisines, WW Smart ones, Healthy Choice) Two days this week I just wanted something fresher and left my boxed lunch in the freezer and went to Quiznos and got a fresh sandwich instead. I feel like my body is craving fruits and vegetables and I just don’t give it enough of either. I know this and yet it is so hard to change. Fresh fruit like berries are so stinking expensive this time of year and go bad so quickly. And vegetables are all pretty much something that I have to force down. Except onions and mushrooms. I LOVE onions and mushrooms so much.

Anyway, I have seriously considered purchasing one of those nutra bullet mixers that make those breakfast smoothie things. When I was at my sister’s house this weekend she made me a smoothie on hers and it was pretty good. Tasted like a Jamba Juice. I think the key to the success was that it really did mix it and puree it pretty well. I don’t want a chunky smoothie. The very nature of its name suggests that it is a smooth concoction. The best part was that she put spinach and carrots in it along with frozen berries and I’ll be damned it tasted good and I didn’t even notice the stupid vegetables! I could be open for this but the biggest drawback is the stupid thing costs like $120 on amazon. That is quite an investment for something that might just be a novelty. I don’t really know.

I brought my i-pad to work where I have been listening to my music all day on. It’s quite nice. I really do love my i-pad so much. It has changed my life and I didn’t even really know how much I would love it until I owned one. Thanks again to my amazing husband who got me one for Christmas.

Let’s see… because I believe in being accountable and have seen the benefits for myself in stating my goals out loud on this blog I need to set some weekend goals. Since last weekend was not my best I need to make sure and eat healthy this weekend. That is my number 1 priority. Keep the food perfectly in line. As far as exercise I will run tonight. Tomorrow I will go to the gym with my mom where I am trying really hard to NOT use the treadmill. I mean, I have one of those at home so I don’t need to go to a gym just to use a piece of equipment I already use. I want to do the weight machines. I have a treadmill and an elliptical machine in my house so I really don’t need to use them there. Then Sunday I need to run again. There is my exercise plan for the weekend.

Friday = Run
Saturday= Weights at Gym
Sunday=Run

I think that looks solid. Not to mention the couponing I have to get done in there too. Trying to maintain everything can sometimes be a chore that is for sure. Being a well-balanced woman is not easy. It’s no wonder so many of us let ourselves go to shit. Sometimes it’s easier than trying to actually make time for yourself. I can’t complain as I don’t actually have too many other responsibilities. I REALLY don’t know how moms do it. I look at my sister and as much as I completely 100% adore my niece and nephew they are exhausting and so much work and they are GREAT kids! I don’t know how these amazing women keep it all together. That is such a full time balancing act. I only have to be responsible to myself and sometimes my husband. He actually does a pretty good job of putting me first and letting the things I need take precedence in “our” lives.

Anyway… Here’s to hoping that tonight I am strong and powerful and fierce!




Oh and here's something that I did that I thought definately showed some improvement. This is me last February in Disneyland and this is me last Friday wearing the same jacket.... I can definately see the 40 pounds gone!



Thursday, January 24, 2013

41.5 pounds

Ah so today is another day. I lost 1.9 pounds this morning putting me at a total of 41.5 pounds lost. I am completely comfortable and happy with that number. Given the extreme circumstances of my week I am thrilled. Also if you consider that the previous week I completely busted ass and only lost 2 pounds so seeing a 1.9 today was amazing. Some days it feels like a slow process, when you have so much to lose, it’s completely daunting. Staring down having to lose 75 pounds seems unreal especially when you see 1.9 after a whole week of working hard or even a 1.2 pounds after working really hard. But honestly those pounds somehow magically add up. I mean here we are 16 weeks in, or 4 months thereabouts and I am down 41.5 pounds. Those little pounds really do add up.

I need to lose 2.5 more pounds and I will have officially lost 20% of my starting weight. That is pretty thrilling. Can you tell I live in a number math based world? I love calculations and charts and tables. Anything to keep you motivated I guess. In fact I have a lovely excel spreadsheet where I track all this and it automatically calculates the things for me when I put in my current weight each week. I’ve always been a chart geek when it comes to weight loss. I enjoy seeing the bigger picture so that I don’t focus on the little weekly loses and get discouraged. I think you have to focus on the bigger picture most of the time if you have any shot of staying focused. This means in order to hit my goal weight I’ve set for myself this time I need to lose 33.5 more pounds. Mind you this goal weight is not my previous goal weight or even the smallest I’ve ever been but it’s a comfortable goal weight. Truth is I’d be comfortable 5 pounds heavier than this goal weight but I just wanted a nice solid 75 pounds lost so I set it at this goal weight. Reality is if I’d lose another 28.5 pounds I’d be ESTATIC. I could go to Maui with a big grin on my face. But who are we kidding I am going to Maui with a huge grin on my face no matter what!

The reality is that losing 1.9 pounds today put me into the next tenths of a number down on the scale. I no longer see a 1X something on the scale I am down into a 1X- with the x being a smaller tenth digit. Wow that is confusing! Anyhow bottom line is my second number after the one is smaller now and this means that my weight watchers points adjusts and I now have 2 more points each day. Sucky, suck, suck. I have been having a hard time keeping to my points anyway and now I have two less a day. I guess that is the pitfall of losing weight, you need to eat less. I mean it’s a good problem to have, I’m not complaining.

I guess our bodies are just going to do what they are going to do. Last week when I lost 2 pounds I had AMAZING exercise at 6 runs for the week and really great runs at that. This week I only managed 4 solid runs and I lost 1.9 pounds. Guess that isn’t the deciding factor. They say that weight loss is mostly in the kitchen and with the foods you eat and the exercise is more about building muscle or toning your body. This is probably true. I mean I do think high calorie cardio sessions are nice as well and I feel like I wouldn’t lose nearly as much weight if I didn’t put in the effort on the treadmill but this theory is pretty much confirmed by my previous two weeks. I think that my four runs this week were probably nothing to sneeze at but it still wasn’t my best effort ever.

I want to mention that I am insanely freezing right now in my office, but then again lately I’ve been basically freezing non-stop. My office is in a warehouse type building. It’s a big metal building with a little office built in it and it is COLD. I am always cold. I have a heater blowing on me but it kind of does jack shit. I might need to get a better one because honestly I am so cold it’s not even funny. I spend my entire day with freezing feet and hands. I just want the sunshine to come back. I want nice weather again. I much prefer heat to cold. I’m seriously completely frozen. Yuck. And it looks so foggy outside it does not look like fun to go drive in which I will have to do here shortly to run errands for work. Good times.

My legs are tired today, I ran the last three days in a row and pretty good runs but I am just not sure what will happen tonight. Chris has today and tomorrow off of work which means he will be home when I get home. It’s always more difficult for me to run when he’s home but it doesn’t stop me usually. We will see. I guess it just depends how I feel at 5:30 when I am home. I am nothing if not a determined girl. I pretty much don’t quit or give up until I reach my goals. So with that said here is today’s pinterest motivation…



I wholeheartedly believe this sentiment. You may sit around and wish and hope things are different but until you actually start working for it nothing is possible. I have always known this, but sometimes just finding that extra little push to keep you going is hard. We all need that extra little push from time to time.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Plugging Along

Driving to work this morning I heard a commercial on the radio for McDonalds and of course something about it caught me off guard. I am not sure it was intended to be construed the way I took it, but nonetheless it was odd. The wife was trying to persuade her husband to stay in bed and snuggle with her in the morning but he was getting up early to go to McDonalds to get there new steak breakfast thing. She was trying and trying and he then his alarm went off and she said, “And he’s gone.” Or something like that. Then they promote said item and then the wife comes back on and says, “Well, I’d go to if I could fit thru the door.” I just about spit my coffee out of my mouth. Did I hear that right? Surely they weren’t implying that the girl was so large she couldn’t fit thru the door… I am not joking those were the exact words she said. Are they somehow implying that clearly large people must like McDonalds or that somehow there food makes you fat? I mean, we all know it does but I just couldn’t believe an actual advertisement would say this. It was strange. I’m pretty sure that would not make anyone want to actually eat McDonalds.

So, moving on from that last night I went home and ran while I watched Monday night’s new biggest loser. Boy do I love that show. Of course a lot of the episode was spent on the kids. I really do know they are trying to do a good thing here with promoting healthy habits in kids but honestly it’s not that exciting to watch. I like the ranch action where there is intense workout and getting to the root of the problems etc. Just not a fan of the kid thing I guess, but I’m dealing with it. I ran a nice 11 miles last night, despite it being harder than the previous night. I finished up and had a nice chicken and avocado dinner. I really do love avocados these days.

Nothing too major or exciting to report last night. Guess my fun came yesterday in booking my Maui flight. Of course today I did book my hotel. I always stay at Lahainia Shores hotel in Maui and I book directly with the owner of the condo at vrbo.com, that way you know exactly what room you are getting and it’s cheaper than booking a room thru the hotel. Anyway we are staying in the same room as last time and I am excited about this.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day and I honestly have zero idea what the scale is going to do. I wasn’t perfect this week and of course had that 3 day mini departure but I really did make the best choices I could so I will live with it. I honestly have been so busy the past two days and have focused on other stuff that I really don’t know what the scale is going to do. All I really can do is the best that I can do and whatever else happens will happen. I have no control over that. Overall I am feeling pretty good about things probably because I am on a Maui high and eventually that will fade and I will be back to trying to plan out every detail of my life. That is simply what I do.

After yesterday’s post and realizing that I am 3 weeks from Vegas I decided to make plans for Valentine’s Day in Vegas. I booked Cirque Beatles Love for Valentine’s Day. I’ve already seen the show twice but we love it and I love the Beatles so dang much that I don’t care if I see it again. It really is an amazing show. So that is now done. We made reservations at Samba at the Mirage for Valentine’s Day Dinner. It is a Brazilian barbeque place. We ate there years ago and it was off the charts awesome. Its carved meats right at your table, all you can eat. Not that I need all you can eat, but it’s just so cool! We made reservations for 5 PM and then the show is at 7 at the same casino so we should be fine. That is exciting too. I have a lot on my plate right now but I like that.

I have to talk about the reality that only when I really am happy with myself do I start making plans. It’s probably no coincidence that last year I did nothing, I went nowhere and I was miserable all the time because I weighed WAY too much. The minute I start losing weight and loving myself again I start enjoying life and making plans and booking vacations. I have always realized they go hand in hand but it’s still such an interesting phenomenon.

Sometime this healthy lifestyle stuff is just so effortless and then other times it’s a pain in the ass and it takes every ounce of strength I have. Right now it seems okay. Right now my eating isn’t out of whack and I don’t mind the exercising. I need to run with this as long as I can that is for sure.

I guess that’s pretty much it for the day. We will see what tomorrow brings for me on the scale and then I might need to refocus for next week. There are a few things that I haven’t been so good at this week and I really need to improve upon, but we will see. Anyway I’ll be back tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Planning ahead

Wow, yesterday was an incredibly busy day at work. I barely had time to do anything thus the lack of a post. Let me say that while I had a nice time this weekend visiting my family that I did NOT do so well on the weight watchers front. It wasn’t horrible. I feel like I made decent decisions in spite of a less than ideal situation. It’s always hard when you are placed out of your comfort zone.

We left Friday night and we stopped at Carl’s Junior for some food on the road. I ended up ordering a chicken salad which is VERY difficult to eat in the car, in the dark. We left immediately after work and we didn’t get there until about 9:30 or so. Friday the food was fine but I did not exercise. That was fine too. Saturday it gets a little scarier. Since ultimately I really only have one day with my kiddos and it was my niece’s birthday time actually just flew. I did not find time to exercise and I just have to live with that. Her party was at 2, and afterwards we went to a pizza place for dinner. Again, I ordered a salad. BUT… I had a slice of pizza. That is not killer at all. What sucks is the beer battered fries that were ordered for the table. Fries are my weakness. I ate way too many fries. Oh well. I really only had a bite or two of cake. The combination of lack of exercise and only eh eating choices start to take their toll on you.

Sunday morning we got up and went out to breakfast. I don’t think I did too horribly. The menu had an under 550 calorie breakfast option where I got an egg white Denver omelet with plain wheat toast and a bowl of fresh fruit. I don’t know the points at all but I feel like it was the healthiest thing on the menu. We then drove home, did some couponing along the way at Rite-Aid. We didn’t make it home until about 7 or so. At this point I was beyond exhausted and hungry. I snacked on far too many pieces of candy before finally having a spaghetti dinner. I did not exercise.

Yes I took three days off in a row from running and I just had to deal with it. It is not the end of the world. I really have no idea how my three days will affect my weight this week. I probably won’t lose a lot but sometimes that is the way life goes. I don’t feel totally great about my weekend but I’m not too upset either. It’s just part of life I suppose.

Yesterday I got back on the counting points bandwagon and tried to drink my water. When I got home last night I immediately hit the treadmill for a nice run. I would have assumed that being away from it for three days would produce nice run. That wasn’t exactly the case. It seem not running for 1 day leaves me feeling energized the next day, three days makes me feel a little less like I want to. But I did it. And I made myself run and continue to run and I pushed myself despite not 100% feeling it. I ran 13.5 miles and called it good. I felt good afterwards and that’s what counts.

Tonight my husband works late so I have the house to myself and I have last night’s new Biggest loser to keep me company and I am definitely looking forward to that. I actually have been pretty busy the past couple days immersed in my couponing world that I have barely noticed my healthy lifestyle choices. I am not spending so much time focusing on that and that might be a good thing, it might not be I can’t entirely tell.

I feel like as human beings we only have so much time and energy to expend on activities. When one thing heats up in my life something else has to give. When I focus on couponing the food/exercise has to give a little and vice versa. There is only so much of me to go around. It is nice not completely obsessing all the time but I am also afraid of what that does for the scale as I have set personal goals for myself for Vegas and of course ultimate larger goals. Vegas is 3 weeks away, so I feel like if I blink my eyes I might miss it.

Today I also did something else exciting. Chris and I have been talking seriously about it for the past couple weeks and today to coincide with another personal goal I’ve been talking about we booked airfare to Maui in June. Yes, back to Maui on June 1 to celebrate our two year anniversary. We will be going for 10 days. I’m super excited about this. Airfare is booked so we are definitely going now. I have a room picked out; it’s the same room we stayed in 2 years ago so in the next couple days we will book that too. We are actually flying into Oahu and staying there for two nights so that we can see Pearl Harbor first. Neither of us has ever seen it and it’s been on my bucket list for a while now. Then we hop a quick 45 minute flight to Maui where we spend 7 nights.

I will say it now; it is my personal goal to be at my goal weight when I get on that plane June 1. That means I have to lose this 35-40 pounds in approximately 4 ½ months. I do believe this is perfectly accomplishable if I stick to it. Plus there is nothing quite as motivating as a Maui beach trip. So excited. It’s expensive but it’s also my favorite place on earth. I have such an emotional connection to it. Maui is the only time my family ever took a real vacation together. When I was a senior in high school we went on our one and only big family vacation. It was my dad’s favorite place and now it is the place where I got married. It has such a strong pull for me that I pretty much have committed to going every 2 years. We went 2 years ago and then we went 4 years ago so we are pretty much on the every other year plan.

I feel like this should keep me more motivated to stay focused and on track. This also means that I need to try and not spend crazy amounts of money in Vegas since I know Maui will be coming up and that is where my true love lies. Speaking of that I really need to figure out what we are going to do on Valentine’s Day in Vegas. I feel like we should do something special since we will be in Vegas. I should look into that.

So tonight I run. And tomorrow night I will run. I am hoping that I can maybe go to the gym with my mom this weekend finally. I really want to try something different. That is about all I have for the day.

Friday, January 18, 2013

The moral of it all

Hmm… It is Friday. I am happy about that. Despite having a very busy evening last night I had a good evening and it was ultra-productive. Actually it went better than I could have thought and that is happiness. I honestly at points do think I thrive a little bit on busy. When I have too little to do it’s easier to procrastinate it away.

I came home and pretty much ran right away. Nice. It wasn’t my most productive or exciting run. It was a solid 9 miles. I didn’t sweat my ass off. I had a nice comfortable pace and that was fine. I wasn’t going for anything fancy last night just wanted to get my workout in and move on to my next task. I finished up, took care of my couponed purchases and then I wrapped a bunch of presents. Afterwards I showered, spent the time to blow dry my hair, moisturized and then went out to have dinner with my husband. Had an amazing Mexican inspired dinner. Chicken, guacamole, fat free sour cream, refried beans, onions. Really good. I also managed to pack up for this weekend as I am leaving immediately after work. That was pretty much the extent of my exciting evening. I am kind of shocked I got it all done.

I am ready to go after work and be gone for the weekend. No exercise today which is actually kind of nice to take a day off. I planned for it and I’m okay with it. I did pack workout clothes so we will see what tomorrow brings. I’d really like to get a run in but sometimes it’s not possible. If it doesn’t happen then I will definitely run Sunday but I have to live my life some too.

I got some jeans in the mail yesterday from Old Navy. When they have good online sales I try and order some new jeans in a size smaller. The jeans I have been wearing are getting a little loose around the waist but totally still wearable I ordered the next size down to be prepared for the upcoming months but imagine my surprise when they totally fit just fine. In fact I’m wearing them today. I am not sure if I should be excited about this or not. It makes me think there wasn’t much difference between the two sizes to begin with and given the inconsistency of Old Navy clothing I am sure if I ordered another pair in this size it would probably be something else completely too. Oh well. I will let my mind believe I am smaller simply because I am wearing the next size down.

Which brings me to an interesting point and/or observation. I was digging thru my clothes looking for some shirts that were a little smaller and more stylish. Like most girls who constantly yo yo with their weight I have clothing in pretty much every size. My closet and drawers are presently filled with the clothes I’ve been wearing for the past couple months which it turns out are probably too big now. I noticed this the other day when I had a shirt on that was REALLY baggy and I went huh… I was digging thru my piles looking for shirts in the appropriate size. I realized that I have two big garbage bags full of smaller clothes in the shed that I cleaned out 6 months ago that I couldn’t part with because while too small they were clothes I would wear if I could fit into them. I probably should go find those bags.

Anyway, in the quest to find shirts I found jeans. Yes, under my bed and the spare bed are lots of jeans in various sizes. What I ran across was a pair of jeans that were hands down my favorite pair ever. I loved them because they were just perfectly comfortable and fit me right. I swear though that I had to wear them when I was close to goal or thereabouts. I probably wasn’t the skinniest I’ve ever been when I wore them but I remember feeling REALLY good about myself in them. I pulled them out and studied them. They didn’t look that far off. So I decided to torture myself and just try. So for some reason they pulled up. I could not button them and breathe at the same time but they really weren’t that far off. I think another 10 pounds I’d probably be able to wear them just fine. I am quite confused by this. Confused because I am no joke still 35 pounds away from being even close to wear I would like to be. To where I feel like I was when those jeans fit me.

Plain confusion. I have no answer for why those jeans would slide onto my body right now. This is what has been very bizarre to me this entire time. I know what the numbers say and they don’t lie. I know what numbers I have seen in my life. And yet when I look in the mirror I feel like my body does not reflect the number I am seeing. I mean I’ve done this whole weight loss thing lots of time and I feel like my body right now LOOKS like a number much smaller on the scale. So confusing. No I don’t feel like I look like I’m at goal. I know what my body looks and feels like when I get closer to goal and I’m not there yet but I just feel smaller than that number is telling me. I guess that’s better than having the opposite feeling. I am praying that it is just all the running that I do shaping my body despite the number. I know this is pretty much a lie people tell themselves to justify a higher number on the scale. Its muscle. HA HA. I don’t believe that. I guess I should just be happy that I really like what I see in the mirror despite the stupid scale. Just goes to show you that the scale does not determine who I feel about myself. Great lesson buried inside the story. The scale does not define your happiness. Don’t let it! So here is the perfect pinterest to go with the moral of today’s story:



And with that said, I am going to go visit my niece who is the little love of my life and celebrate her 8th birthday which is tomorrow. I am going to spend time with the two kids who mean the world to me and I’m not going to worry about my weight or myself worth because as far as they are concerned I am their Aunt and they could care less if I weigh 140 pounds or 240 pounds. I am just their Aunt Emily and that is really what is important. Have a fabulous weekend everyone…

Thursday, January 17, 2013

15 weeks

You know the universe is a funny thing. I was just saying yesterday how no one had said a word about my weight loss and then today I was kind of just not feeling it and then WHAM… the universe comes thru. I stopped at Rite-Aid to do some of my couponing at lunch time today. What I don’t talk about much here is how much of an active couponer I really am. I kind of took a break last month as I do get burned out, but alas, I am getting back into it. Anyway, I coupon a lot. I go to this particular rite aid at least twice a week. For YEARS I’ve been doing this. I chat with the same girl there a lot. She has really only worked there about a year a think. She’s only known fat Emily. Today as I walked up to check out she said me and Stephanie were just talking (Stephanie is another girl who works there) and “You’ve lost weight, haven’t you? We noticed you are looking slimmer.”

Ah, yes, there it is. 15 weeks for a casual observer to notice 40 pounds but she noticed and that is what counted. That was exactly the pick me up I needed today. It does eventually happen I suppose. So I’d like to go on record as saying today is the first day that someone who isn’t my immediate family has said anything about my weight loss. Exactly the kind of motivation one needs to keep going. And it reminded me of a pin that I have to share….



Almost but no cigar...

Well the universe was only so kind to me, I lost 2 pounds this morning which I should be happy about. I’m not exactly unhappy but I was really hoping for that 2.5 pounds. Oh well, one more week won’t kill me I guess. I mean, I am dedicated to this in as an entire process so it doesn’t really matter. I was just wanting to be out of this tenths number on the scale and into a new one. I the scale was XX0.4 this morning so I am officially .4 pounds away from that lower second number and of course from my 40 pounds lost. I mean 39.6 pounds is almost 40 pounds so in the grand scheme of anything when addressing my weight loss for the next week I am certain I will say I have lost 40 pounds. Close enough.

I’d love to get my eating back on a more healthy track this week but I am certain that will be harder said than done given my impending weekend trip. No weekend trip is EVER easy. Honestly I am just going to be happy if I survive it without completely blowing it. I have myself a completely busy day/evening lined up in my head. I suppose sometimes I thrive on that so I am praying it will be okay. I have to go home, run, shower, blow dry the old hair (this is so annoying to me but if I don’t take the time my hair is a big old mess!). I have to wrap about 15 presents, pack up clothes for the weekend. Have dinner somewhere in there of course too. And spend a little time with my husband whom I am certain I will miss this weekend.

Anyone in a relationship knows that they all have their ups and downs and times when you are feeling more connected than others. Right now I am REALLY feeling the love and honestly think that I will miss him the couple days I’m away. It’s nice to know that after 8 ½ years I am still capable of missing him. That’s a great sign. Anyway, today at work should be busy too so of course I’m on here typing this out instead! I feel like writing this stuff out helps me to formulate a plan and then committing it to paper makes me follow thru somehow. It seems to be working so I’m just going to go with it for it.

I actually don’t have all that much to say today. I seem to recall having this issue last Thursday too. Not sure what it is about weigh-in day and suddenly I’m out of things to say. I think my mom is going to start going back to the gym next week. After her urgent care trip and her fall last Friday she has been in a lot of pain and not able to work out but she is starting to get better. Basically I mention this because I am actually itching to go with her and try out some strength training machines. I have to go with her and of course I want her to wait until she is completely healthy and able and not hurt herself even more. I just want to try the gym and see what this one is like. My mom has been going for a couple months now and really likes it. Mainly I’d like to some weight machines. I’ve been talking about mixing it up for a week or so now and I’d really like to try something else but am just so damned stuck in my normal routine that it’s very hard for me to break out of it.

I am a creature of habit for sure. I don’t like my routine being fucked with. I like what I know. I don’t do well with change, never have. I have to process thru everything and therefore like things nice and reliable. It has taken me a great deal of my adult life to realize that I need time to process information and learn how to deal with it accordingly. This is probably why children for me are not a great option. Too much unexpected and I don’t instantly process well. Knowing yourself is half the battle.

I’m just plugging along I guess. I know it is a journey and I just need to let the process happen and enjoy my life along the way. I know that if I just keep going, doing what I’m doing eventually I will get there. My mind knows this. I really don’t hate the way I’ve been living my life. I don’t hate that I am putting foods into my body that generally make me feel stronger and more alive and I don’t hate running so while from time to time I may not want to, most of the time I really DO want to. While I’m at that point in the journey half way where I feel better but my mind thinks things could just be different, I know I just need to hang in there because eventually it WILL happen. It really will. And with that in mind here it today’s pinterest.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

Here’s a surprise to no one who knows me at all, I ran last night. Even as I typed the words last night I knew that if I was of able body and mind that I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to run. Especially given the difficult days that lay ahead for me. When I wrote it out that I needed to run 4 of the next 6 days how could I not run last night? Now I’m down to needing to run 3 out of the next 5 days. So much more do-able. I do agree with my commenters (yeah for commenters!) I probably need to look into some speed interval training of some sort. As much as I completely adore just running and running I know there is something to be said for mixing it up in terms of intervals.

Last night I ran my normal and then I ran halls balls for 6 minutes, walked 2, ran halls balls for 4 minutes and then walked 2. That is how I finished by run. In the end doing it this way produced the same outcome, 10.25 miles, 1400 calories burned. Plus I do think it’s better for my body. I am going to have to look into that some more as an option. I know I need to change something up but I am a creature of comfort and habit. Thus taking me 9 years to discover the true benefits of water. Hopefully it doesn’t take as long for me to get my head out of my ass and try something different. I really should be more open to change as the water thing has proven.

Actually last night I pretty much kicked ass. Sometimes I think we as humans do better when faced with a whole series of challenges. I say bring them on. I came home, immediately cleaned out the truck for my husband. I did the dishes, changed into workout clothes, picked up a little and then hit the treadmill for my run. Biggest Loser Episode 3. I do love new episodes. I think this season is getting better. I understood the kids purpose a little bit more this episode and was glad to see the nutritionist go to their houses and raid there cupboards. Still not 100% on board but its better.

Anyhow, I cannot deny the lure of a new episode. But I was shocked to hear them say in one of those contest things win a chance to see this season’s finale live on March something… I’m like what? This season ends the end of March? It just barely began. Ugh. That is only like 12 weeks away. Is this season really only going to have 12 episodes? Some seasons have like 20 episodes. Discouraging to say the least. Thank god for my hulu plus subscription. It has been a life saver for me for sure!

After running I hauled ass around the house and picked up some more, put away some bags of couponed items that have been sitting on the dining room floor for 2 nights. I collected all the garbage from the house as this morning was garbage day. I found and sorted kids birthday presents. (I didn’t wrap them, but just getting them out was the first step). I then showered, blow dried my hair (this is a process unto itself!) moisturized my face and then made some dinner. All before my husband came home from work. I felt accomplished. I can get it all done when I really try!

So I broke out some new shampoo last night. I opted to try some Tressemme and I have to say I really liked it. My hair smells wonderful today and I’m pretty happy so far. My only complaint is this… the shampoo comes with one of those pumps on the top. Why is it that every pump never actually pumps enough for you to use? I feel like I have to pump and pump and pump to get enough shampoo/conditioner/body wash for me to use. Maybe I use too much but come on; the amount in one squirt is pitiful! Annoying!

Tomorrow morning if all things go according to plan as I often do try to plan out my entire life so regimented, I should be down 40 pounds to date since October. While I might not be quite ready to reveal my weights yet I do have some pictures that I will go ahead and post that I’ve taken all since January 5 so in the last two weeks. I don’t know the exact dates but these are over 3 different days. Please keep in mind that I still have like 35 pounds to lose but I’m not unhappy with the way I look. Also keep in mind that self-portraits snapped in a mirror on an i-phone leave a lot of room for improvement. These are also 100% completely authentic and undoctored in any way. What you see is what you get. This is me right now. As you can see I have been playing an awful lot lately with skinny jeans and boots. I am quite in love actually and have various boots in various lengths or heights or whatever you want to call it.



It’s crazy to me because I don’t hate myself in these photos but my weight right now in these photos is above where I have in my lifetime started weight watchers at. The number I see on the scale still scares the crap out of me. I am still considered OBESE on those stupid unrealistic BMI scales. At various points in my life I would still cry at seeing the number I am now today. And yet here I am, not completely hating myself. I also wonder how completely messed up my body image truly is. I mean, I know it’s messed up. I can look in the mirror and be completely happy with what I see and think I’m doing great and I am not really that big. And then I look at the number on the scale and I realize that I still AM a big girl. That someone who weighs what I weigh is not small and therefore what I’m seeing in the mirror and all that self-confidence has to be a lie.

Most of the mirrors I see make me feel like I am looking good or doing good but I have this one mirror in my house that I call the “truth mirror”… I don’t know why you have to have one of those but as good as the other mirrors make me feel or distort my view this one mirror, anytime I walk by it and catch a glimpse of myself reminds me how far I have to go still. I don’t know if this mirror is one of those fun house mirrors that makes you gain like 20 pounds or if all the rest are just messed up. But this one mirror, which happens to be in my hall, is large and produces full body images, makes me question everything. It provides me with the visual image of what my mind tells me someone who weighs what I weigh must REALLY look like. I have a love/hate relationship with that mirror.

As good as I may be feeling it just takes one look in that mirror to put me back in my place. I know that I still have 35-40 more pounds to lose and they are important pounds, the pounds that tone you up, and really make you look smaller. These first 40 pounds are the ones that people hardly notice. In fact there is not a soul in my life who has said anything about me losing weight or looking better. I keep thinking seriously, 40 pounds makes no difference? I mean I feel it. But this is just the stage in the game half way thru where this is the reality; people don’t want to say things. I get it.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have a life time of been there done that to constantly compare to and draw upon. Each time you lose weight it is different. I have to quite holding myself up to the standards previously set by me. Every time I do this I am a different person at a different place in my life. I feel like at 33 years old I am quite a lot more grown up than that stupid na├»ve 24 year old who first walked into weight watchers. I am honestly so much happier overall now then that 24 year old girl ever was. I have to quite telling myself that I can’t possibly like the girl I see in the mirror today weighing what I weigh. Just because that 24 year old girl hated herself at this weight doesn’t me I have to hate the picture I see. I have lived my life, I have struggled with my weight for the past 9 years and THAT girl CAN be proud of herself at the weight she is today. It is not the end goal by any means, but I don’t feel like I am some gross gigantic girl who will be stared at in public for being a slobby fat mess. Believe me I had those days months ago.

So in honor of the reality that my life is made up of lots of little steps and self-discovery along the way I bring you today’s pinterest…. (Man I’ve got a lot of great ones in there I’m waiting to share, but I seem to try and pull one’s each day the relate to what I’ve just talked about!)



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Options

So to whoever commented yesterday on my post (unknown) Thank you! I say thank you because I post this shit and I meant what I said yesterday about it keeping me accountable but I wonder if it really matters at all and then there you are reminding me that for a small little nanosecond it matters. It matters to keep myself honest. I really appreciate it.

Last night I came home and dragged a little bit. Instead of immediately getting on the treadmill I allowed myself to linger doing other things which in turn made it harder to want to get on the treadmill. I did anyway. I played the you only have to run for 30 minutes card. Yeah… I kept running. What is a strange phenomenon for me is that the first 5 minutes are always killer, the hardest by far and then minutes 5-10 are still a little strained and then once 10 minutes kicks in my body just goes. Except that I could tell my legs were tired. I can still tell today my legs are tired. I guess that is from the running exploits of the last three days combined.

Anyhow back to my strange phenomenon. When I am “done” or my body knows it has finished my allotted workout I suddenly inevitably always get a second wind. Perhaps it’s because my body was holding a little something back. I knew I wanted to run 8 miles last night. It wasn’t completely easy. I struggled a little and then was grateful when I had finished. I walked for like 2 minutes to cool down and then looked at my Garmin and I always like to end things on good round numbers so I decided I was just going to run FAST for a minute or so to finish up my run with a nice round number. Yeah, so after running 8 miles thinking I had done all my body could do, just to round things out I RAN faster than I have for a couple minutes and it felt GREAT! Then I walked another 2 minutes and was at 9.25 miles and then was like fuck it lets go for 10. I bumped the speed back up and RAN hardcore for 5 minutes. Proud of myself.

All the while wondering where this surge of energy came from and then it left me wondering if I have it all the time but my body is just keeping it in reserves because it fears I will want it to run for hours and it wants to hold something back. When I “told” my body I was done it suddenly felt free to release that extra energy in faster bursts. I don’t know. But I just find it odd that I struggle and then miraculously find energy to hall ass thru two more miles faster than I’ve gone before.

Needless to say my legs are very tired today. As I sit here at my desk I can feel them… being tired… I guess that’s because Saturday I ran 15.27 miles, Sunday I ran 8.11 miles and Monday I ran 10 miles… that’s 33.38 miles in 3 days. Definitely equals tired legs. So I am not committing myself to anything tonight. But I’m not ruling it out either. I’m still trying to mentally tweak my plan for the next couple days with the impending road trip this weekend. Hmm…. What to do. I also have lots of stuff to accomplish tonight. I feel like I should wrap some birthday presents, the whole reason for the road trip. I also need to clean out the truck as its leaking oil and tomorrow Chris is driving it to work to have it looked at while he is at work. He requested I clean it out since like ummm…. I keep it rather dirty. Not a clean girl here at all! I make no promises tonight. I am toying with a few options.

Option 1:
Run tonight.
Hall ass to do all my chores.
Take tomorrow off from running.
Run Thursday night.
Wake my ass up early Friday and run before work (sometimes extreme circumstances call for extreme measures but this might be too extreme for me!)
Take Saturday off (while at families)
Run Sunday night when I get home.

Option 2:
Take tonight off.
Leisurely do my chores around the house.
Run Wed. night.
Run Thursday night.
Take Friday off (no early wake up run)
Run Saturday at my sister’s house
Run Sunday night when I get home.

Both of these plans involve 4 runs in the next 6 days. I am comfortable with that. Actually that is a must/a priority. 4 out of the next 6 days I need to run. Just not sure which of these options will work out the best for me. But at least I am thinking of a plan, so I’m at least one step ahead of the game so far I think. But here I go again committing it to paper that I want to run 4 out of the next 6 days so there’s that.

I guess the decision is going to be made spur of the moment tonight after work depending on how my legs are feeling and what I feel like when I get home. I am motivated by the lure of a new Biggest Loser I haven’t watched yet. We will just see.

I also have to admit something else; all previous times of doing weight watchers I never really ate all my points. I was always like less is more. I would be hard pressed to NOT eat all my points this time around. Something about either the new system (this is the first time I’ve done points plus), the reality of me actually eating breakfast (I consistently eat 8 points for breakfast now) or all this exercise just leaves me hungry. I eat every dang point most days and sometimes that does and sometimes that doesn’t even take into account the “extras” I nibble on here or there. Case in point last night I solidly without question ate my 28 points and THEN on top of it I ate 4 peppermint Hershey’s kisses and I put my spoon into the whipped cream cheese a few times. Not a big deal I realize but those are definitely extra’s I’m not tracking. I mostly think of those as my weekly flex points which I don’t use. Or else my exercise points for the day too. It’s not a big deal but it would be a big deal to NOT eat my points.

I honestly believe because the point values are higher on points plus coupled with the reality of eating breakfast that I mostly can’t help it. I am usually at 15 points going into the evening only leaving me 13 points. I am actually scared about dropping points as I lose more weight. I don’t see a lot of give in my points. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I am really secretly, but now not so secretly to lose 2.4 pounds this week on Thursday because that would put me at 40 pounds lost. Okay, I am actually hoping to lose 2.5 pounds because that puts me into another ten digit on the scale…. I swear soon I am actually going to post my real numbers, but not just yet. Give it another couple weeks and I will post dates and weights to go with it. Just got to work up to it. Anyhow 2.5 pounds might be a tall order but it would be nice. Since I honestly don’t peek at the scale ever I have no idea. We will have to wait and see on Thursday morning I guess.

I can honestly say that with the more weight I lose the more energy I have overall and the easier it is to run. I feel better on a daily basis. I feel more in control and today I am proud of that. So with that in mind here is today’s pinterest.



Monday, January 14, 2013

Word Accountability

Today has completely flown by which is really nice for a change. Since the moment I got into work I have been busy and haven’t had a second to stop and think. What this does is mean that I don’t stop and think about my food or being hungry or overthink my entire food/day situation. I actually wish more days were like this. It is already 3:15 PM and I just barely now have a moment to ponder anything.

Yesterday I decided that I liked coming here and writing things down because it keeps me accountable. I think that was the whole point of starting to blog like 9 years ago to begin with. In particular last Friday I was torn on when to exercise or my plan for the weekend. I wrote that between Friday-Sunday I just wanted to get in two workouts, take one day off. If I had not wrote this and made it all official I probably would have bagged on exercise yesterday. In the back of my mind I knew I wrote those words so somehow yesterday evening I made myself run. And I am grateful for that! Accountability on track….

Friday night I did nothing. I came home and did nothing. I did not have a great Friday so I really didn’t mind. But what happens when I don’t exercise is I start to almost instantly get down on myself or feel yucky. I know I need a break. I appreciate giving my body a break. I just don’t like the lack of the high I get or rather don’t get when I don’t exercise. It leaves me feeling defeated. Saturday morning I got up and hung out with my mom. We did a little shopping, went back to Costco where I got some more water bottles and a new food scale and then I ran my epic longest greatest run yet (see Saturday’s post).

Saturday night was low key and then yesterday I got up and hung out with my mom and sister again, did a little more random shopping here and there and then just really chatted at my mom’s house for a while. I got home about 5 PM. I did NOT want to run. I honestly would have just said fuck it if that nagging little voice in the back of my head didn’t say, you committed yourself to 2 out of the 3 days. Just run for 30 minutes… of course 30 minutes turned into a full “normal run”. That is how I trick myself. I promise myself that I only have to do 30 minutes. And if I got on there and I hated it and I couldn’t do more I would be satisfied with 30 minutes. I know full well that very rarely do I ever only do 30 minutes. Honestly, I felt fine so I kept running. I didn’t over push myself. I finished with a nice respectable 8 mile run. I felt happy and then my husband came home from work. We had spaghetti for dinner. All was well. I played on my ipad he played a game on his phone. I watched the Golden Globes. Pretty uneventful.

I will take an uneventful evening from time to time for sure. This week my schedule is all screwy and I don’t like it. My husband has to work the late shift at work tonight and tomorrow. Meaning he won’t get home until like 9:30. This means I am on my own. Then he is back to regular hours Wednesday. He has Thursday and Friday off and on Friday I am leaving to go visit my sister a few hours away for the weekend. It is my niece’s birthday on Saturday so off we travel the 3 ½ hours to spend the weekend. This completely throws me off. This means I can NOT exercise Friday night as we will leave immediately after work. That means I really should get in exercise Thursday night. I exercised Saturday and Sunday and again tonight. I really don’t want to run so many days in a row, I guess we will just have to wait and see. Friday is not happening. Day off. That means I should try and exercise Saturday at their house but I just don’t know how realistic that is. They have a treadmill, the same treadmill I own actually, but it’s not incredibly feasible to exercise while on “vacation”… Man we will see. Sunday we will drive back and that throws me off too. I could always run Sunday night when I get home but that depends on what time we get home and I can almost guarantee I will be too tired from travel to want to run. Ugh. I will make it happen somehow. I am committed right now and I am willing to make it a priority.

That is why I am here I guess, writing all this down, because I am willing to make it a priority right now because I am seeing the virtues of holding myself accountable. It’s too easy to let something go if you don’t commit it to word/paper/others. I am still chugging down my water. I find that the weekend is harder on all fronts in terms of eating well, exercising and drinking my water. I have a nice solid little routine at work Monday thru Friday and it just works for me. Weekends are a free for all and even getting in my water gets hard. I tried. I did better than I’ve done in a long time but it’s still not perfect yet. Progress is good though and I’m proud of that at least.

Tonight I will run again especially since I am a single lady for the night. Also because I finished up Season 8 of the biggest loser and now I’m on to Season 9, which happens to be a favorite of mine and I just started the first episode. So fun to start over again and the beginning of the journey. Of course the new episode of Biggest Loser airs tonight but I won’t be watching at 8 on the treadmill as I just don’t run that late at night. That will have to be saved for tomorrow night. Guess that means I am running tonight and tomorrow night after all.

And in the spirit of scheduling runs with myself and being accountable I bring you my daily pinterest:



Saturday, January 12, 2013

Epic Run

Don't have major time for a post but am operating on extreme runner's high right now that I had to stop by and post this... I hung out with my injured mom this morning (no broken bones but she's incredibly sore), did some shopping and REALLY did not want to run. I did not run last night so I told myself just get on the treadmill and even if you only mange 30 minutes that will be fine.

It always takes me 3-5 minutes to get in my groove and boy oh boy did I get in my groove. I ran and I felt great. Amazing. This is what always happens the day after I take a day off. My body loves me and thanks me for it. So I just kept running. I ran longer than I've ever ran and I told myself I'd just run until I was tired and then I said, okay just run the 13 miles and then I said run some more then and then it was finally time where my legs were like you can be done and I was close to 15 miles so I said just push thru to 15. Low and behold I ran 15.37 miles and burned 2172 calories. AMAZING! I felt really great.

It didn't hurt that I was watching Season 8 Biggest Loser and I am at the end of the season I watched the marathon where they ran and that is always inspiring and then I ran thru 1/2 the finale as well. Always incredible running time as well. I am pretty much 15 minutes away from finishing Season 8, gearing up for Season 9. I love watching Biggest Loser on the treadmill. I feel great, elated with my run. I actually really neeeded that today. After not exercising last night and then my crappy cold morning, I was feeling less than hot and a little down on myself. Nothing like a crazy good run to improve your mood!!!! Best run to date....



Friday, January 11, 2013

Vitalicious FAIL

Vitalicious pizza = EPIC FAIL. Yes. Epic proportions. I heated it up, pulled it out of the microwave looked at it with complete and utter “not impressed” but thought I’d try it. The first bite was awful. I continued hoping it would get better. I had a few more bites and just threw the rest away. There was zero that was enjoyable about that thing. I will not waste my life eating awful tasting food. Thank God I had a lean cuisine left over in the fridge. Properly heated it up and now and going to have a lunch that tastes decent. Wow, what a waste of money, but now I know.

Icy road ahead

Hmm… today is Friday which is nice but shockingly I am not all that excited about it. It is frosty outside and that means the roads were icy. Oregon is a cold place generally but not snow freezing kind of cold and therefore when such things occur people are not adequately prepared to drive in it. The city usually de-ice’s major roads but back roads can still be scary. I was completely fine until I got to work which is not on the beaten path and when I went to turn my stupid two wheel drive truck onto the road to my office I lost all control of the vehicle over the icy patch and slammed it into the curb. I immediately was able to pull into the parking lot. The truck was fine and I was lucky. Stupid Ice.

My mom wasn’t quite as lucky this morning. Well, we shall see. She actually had an 8 AM appointment at her gym with her personal trainer. She made it to the gym fine. She stepped out of her vehicle, apparently into an icy parking lot and her foot slid out from under her and she immediately slammed full force onto the ground. Her entire side in pain she had to go to urgent care where she is now awaiting x-rays to determine if she broke any ribs. Good times. Hopefully she is just bruised and can will heal in a couple days. This is a perfect example of how we just aren’t adequately prepared here in Oregon :)

Last night I managed to run again. But after running for a few days in a row I can always tell my body starting to slow down and thus wanting a break. I managed an 8.25 mile run which is totally respectable. I finished the day consuming all 28 of my points and I don’t think I cheated too much. Meaning I am pretty sure I didn’t eat things and not write them down. I drank a ton of water too so that is good.

Today is going to be a low key day I am not feeling it energy wise so much and the bitter coldness in the air is depressing. Hopefully things will pick up. My husband works this weekend so I am not really sure what is on my agenda. I was planning on going to the gym with my mom tomorrow to try some different exercises but alas I don’t think that’s going to happen now. Dang cold ice.

I ordered some of the vitalicious pizzas last week. They are expensive, but a whole pizza is only 5 points. I was intrigued by the excessive amount of fiber in them so I went for it. They have to be shipped 3 day air and are packaged in dry ice. They arrived yesterday. Apparently I have never dealt with dry ice much before in my life because as I was trying to unpack the pizza’s a piece of the dry ice lye on top of the box out of the plastic bag it was packaged in. Thus exposing it. I didn’t think too much of this and bent down to pick the thing up and throw it in the sink to melt. Um, I immediately realized what a mistake this was. It burned like son of a bitch burned my fingers. What the hell? Then stupid me tried to melt the remaining pieces by turning the water on over them. All this did was create smoke, lots and lots of smoke. I am truly retarded. I ended up wrapping a layer between my hands and the ice, picking up the pieces and throwing them back in the box they came in and shoving them in the garage. I haven’t entirely dealt with that situation yet. Now today I actually get to try one of these 5 point pizza’s to see how they stack up to the Lean Cuisine pizza’s I enjoy so much but are 9 or 10 points. Hopefully they are awesome. But they are REALLY expensive so who knows how many I will actually eat in my lifetime.

The newest issue of Shape magazine came yesterday in the mail and I read part of it last night. One thing I found interesting and rather good to know what that according to someone, don’t have the magazine in front of me now, a study now shows that yo-yo dieting is not as bad for your body as they once thought. It doesn’t mess with your chemicals or body makeup and therefore each time you “lose weight” your body treats it like the first time and you are not handicapped. There point was that you shouldn’t use that as an excuse to not try and lose weight that you’ve already yo-yoed and therefore messed up your body’s metabolism. According to this study; not true. I’m quite happy to hear this as clearly I’ve yo-yoed my whole life. Actually I kind of think I’m proof that you can yo-yo and still lose weight even after having lost and gained and lost and gained. My body doesn’t seem to be stopping me from losing.

I’m still drinking my water today, working on my first 24 ounces but the last few days it’s pretty obvious to me I’ve had no problem reading my 64 ounces you’re supposed to get for the day so I’m not too worried anymore about forcing myself to drink it, it comes pretty naturally now to me. It’s so funny to me how I don’t even really crave pop anymore.

I have no idea what this weekend is going to hold for me but I’m sure it will be okay. I have prepared myself pretty well for whatever it holds in terms of challenges. I haven’t decided if I’m going to run tonight or take it off just yet. I have to take either today or tomorrow off, not sure yet which one it’s going to be. I do believe in giving my body a day of rest from time to time. I think it’s good for it to have a day to heal and recover and therefore it always makes the next workout much better. Exercise plan is to run 2 of the next three days. Friday to Sunday I should run twice. I’d also really love to try some other form of exercise this weekend as well. Maybe I should make that a priority. Do something different.

I’ve mentioned how much I love pinterest these days and I have a “workout stuff” folder where I put all my inspirational quotes. I think I am going to start sharing my favorites here as well. Just as the reminders to me of why I do this…. So here is today’s pinterest….





Thursday, January 10, 2013

The reality of 75

Not sure where to start today. I have a few things floating around in my brain. First things first, I lost 3.6 pounds this morning. I knew today would FINALLY be a good weigh-in, somewhere this week I just felt better. I also think shockingly to me but I am certain not to the rest of the world this has something to do with water. Everyone says drink your water, drink your water. I didn’t, EVER. I am thoroughly convinced now of the virtues of water. I actually find myself no longer craving pop so that might be a plus as well. Well I only ever drank diet pop I have been told a million times that this really isn’t any better for you.

Yesterday I went home and ran 9.12 miles, burning 1268 calories. That means this weekly weigh-in week from Last Thursday to yesterday Wednesday I ran a whopping 60.38 miles. I really do love to run. I mean, while I’m running sometimes I hate it. Sometimes it is so much work but I am 100% addicted to the high of running. The after math. The feeling I have in my body not only physically but more importantly mentally. It is the single best thing I do for myself. This is a large running week. I don’t normally run quite so many miles in a week. It just happened.

I did in fact wrap an ace bandage around my breast bone to try and circumvent the chaffing from my heart rate monitor. It seemed to work while I ran. I was all wrapped up and it didn’t really bother me. The bandage was soaked after I was done running and I thought all was good. This morning however, in addition to the line of cut from the heart rate monitor I now have a weird second line of injury. It looks like maybe a little rash like. I am not sure. It is gross. I am just not sure what to do about this. I want to keep using my heart rate monitor. I just don’t want to be so scarred. Yuck. Ouch.

Last night for dinner we had burritos. I had forgotten how delicious, filling and low calories/points burritos can be. Well, it did cost me 9 points, but that seems quite reasonable for the amount of food I got. I had a 2 point low carb la tortilla factory tortilla.2 points in beans, 2 points in ground turkey, 2 points in WW shredded cheese, and 1 point in fat free sour cream. I also had onions on there. Amazing. And I drank water. Water seems to be the story of my life these days. More water please.

The thing about the water is this; it actually makes me feel full and I swear gives me a little more energy than I otherwise had. I know I feel like a retard because I’ve only been doing weight watchers in various forms for 9 years and somehow this is the first time I’ve ever seen the real benefits of water. I guess that just goes to show you that you really can always learn something new. I had no idea. I feel like a stupid retard for never really giving myself a chance at water before. I am hooked. Yes it does make me pee an insane amount. I counted yesterday and at work alone from the hours of 8:30 AM to 5 PM I peed 10 times. No joke. I literally counted. But that is a small price to pay for the other benefits of it. I just finished my first 24 ounces for today and already have to pee again.

So this morning I was able to put on a pair of jeans that didn’t previously fit. That is a nice victory unto itself. I ordered these jeans a month ago online from Old Navy and we all know how inconsistent Old Navy sizing is. I ordered 3 pair in various colors in the same size and this one pair would not even come close to fitting before, even though I was wearing the other two pairs in the other colors. Today I could wear the smallest of them. That’s an accomplishment all by itself I’d say.

Okay, so the biggest thing for the day is this, the 3.6 pounds puts me down a total of 37.6 pounds total. Not too shabby. But I have to admit something that I am sad to admit; this puts me pretty much exactly half way to goal. I have lost half the weight I need to lose. Okay so I have to admit that I gained 75 pounds I shouldn’t have. Yes, I somehow found all 75 pounds I had lost in my life. But at least I am half way there now. That is an accomplishment I will take since time just keeps seeming to go no matter what I do. It feels much better being 37.6 pounds down. I don’t hate the person I see in the mirror. Sure I need to lose another 37.5 pounds but for the time being I’m not embarrassed to walk around and have people see me. I was before. I hated every minute of being in public because I was embarrassed by the girl I was again. Today I am confident and comfortable in my own skin again.

Things can always get better but I can live with the girl I am now. I have to admit that a huge motivation for even starting this time around was that I desperately wanted to go see Pink live in concert. I have obsessed over and loved Pink forever. She is kind of like my role model. I guess I love strong women. I guess we are drawn to the things we are not. I don’t consider myself strong. I am not fearless in life and I see Pink as that. She always tells it like it is in her music and I am completely in love and obsessed. Anyhow I swore when she went on tour again I would see her no matter what. For years I always said I didn’t care where she was when she toured again I would get on a plane and fly to see her if that was the closest venue. I had to put my money where my mouth was this time since she did not book a Portland show. The closest show was either Vegas or L.A. Vegas seemed like the better option as you can just fly there and not have to worry about getting a car and trying to get to a packed stadium for the show.

Anyhow, once I realized I would have to travel for the show I was scared because I was really overweight. And I didn’t want to go to Vegas full of all those pretty party people being so in disgust with myself. I booked my flight and room for Vegas on September 26. I weighed way more than I want to admit. But I promised myself I would see Pink in concert. It is high on my bucket list so I just had to. But not only was I freaked about walking around Vegas being so uncomfortable but I was honestly afraid of fitting on the plane. Old insecurities have a way of always creeping back in. I probably was freaked out for a week, but I started realizing that I had time. While I didn’t have enough time between now and Feb. 13 to be at goal or even close I had enough time to lose weight and no matter what go to Vegas weighing less. I knew I could realistically be down 40 pounds if I worked at it. So on October 5 I started eating well. I just did one day and now here we are 3 ½ months later and I am down 37.6 pounds. I have no doubt that by the time I get on that plane Feb. 13 I will be down the 40 pounds; I should be down more than that.

I have 5 weeks until I get on that plane and now I’m not so worried about the seat belt fitting or being in complete disgust with myself. Sure, I won’t be at goal. I won’t be the skinniest I’ve ever been but I will be okay. I won’t be what I weighed on Sept. 26 when I booked the vacation and the reality of my weight sank in. I did accomplish what I had hoped to.

Because I am only half way to where I want to be I often take for granted how much weight I’ve actually lost. As if it’s an easy thing to drop 37.6 pounds. That unto itself is a lot of weight. I tend to downplay it because it’s not where I want to be ultimately but I need to take a moment and recognize that I have lost almost 40 pounds. That is just no joke.

I suppose by now you all, whoever you all are is that is actually reading this, are starting to get the picture of how much weight I really gained. I suppose here shortly I will probably start actually posting the real numbers, but I have to work in baby steps. For now I feel brave just posting that I gained 75 pounds and had 75 pounds to lose. That is a lot of freaking weight. No wonder I felt so sick and disgusted all the time. Damn Mcdonalds!!!!

Today’s Food:

Keurig Cappuccino (2 pts.)
Smart Ones Breakfast Wraps (6 pts.)
Banana (0 pts.)
Apple slices (0 points)
Smart Ones quesadilla wrap (7 pts.)
Banana (0 points)
Carrots (0 points)
WATER!!!!!

Total points= 15, leaves 13 for the evening.