Friday, December 19, 2014

Trying a new perspective

Guess what world; I am feeling a little better today. And by better I mean, better than I’ve actually felt in a month or so. I’ve been trying very hard to work thru my mental funk and gym crazy. I realize that there are definitely worse things in the world. And yes, in the grand scheme of things I am glad that I am still healthy and my marriage is dandy and my family is okay. These are far more important things than stupid gym drama.  I’ve just been trying to sort out the root of my feelings and that has been tough. I’ve never been very good at quick decisions or that whole change thing. BUT, I am starting to feel better. This is quite a good thing.

I think in the end, some time and distance is what has been required. I have indulged in quite the pity party as of late and ultimately what I needed to break out of it was some good workouts. The last two nights I have gone to the gym and worked out with a friend, Michelle at the gym, and put everything else aside. And you know what, it actually felt good. I felt okay. I didn’t die. I didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. I managed. I lived.

I’ve bene reflecting a ton and realize that as much as I adore Amanda some of the stuff she told us (Michelle is pretty close to her too) was really stuff that we just didn’t need to know. I know she loves us and wants to protect us etc. But in the end, some of the things I learned about my gym were probably things that I should have not known for my own good.  Part of what was keeping me down was the anger I’ve been carrying around towards the gym. Now that Amanda has officially been gone for a full week and I am starting to adapt to life differently, things are not all horrible.

You also know what part of the attitude change was? Going to that other gym on a weeknight and seeing how ridiculously busy it was. Not being able to even see an empty treadmill for a whole hour and a half. My gym has tons and tons of treadmills and in a year and a half I have never, not once, not been able to get on a treadmill. Not only that, it’s never been busy enough that I even had to really run next to someone else.  As awkward as I have felt as of late at my gym, I can still pretty much use the equipment I want, when I want. Suddenly the grass doesn’t seem greener on the other side. It’s just a whole different set of problems ultimately.

I am not thrilled with my gym. I am not a happy girl, BUT… for this exact time being, I have not found anything better. This does not mean I am not going to continue to think about it and try. I am on a month to month at my gym right now. I only pay $25 a month for membership. Supposedly in Jan that price is going to change, go down, according to the new owners. That might mean I have to sign a new contract. So I am not really excited about that, if I want the new price. Or else I can keep paying $25 a month and remain month to month.  The gym that Amanda went to has a $20 a month membership where you get classes. They also have a $10 a month basic package, no classes, just use the equipment. I might do the $10 a month just so I have the opportunity to work out with her on occasion. Like this Sunday for example. I am going to meet Amanda at her gym on Sunday at noon for a workout.  It is worth $10 a month for me to get to occasionally workout with Amanda.

I think really the only course of action I have right now is continue going to my gym. And if things continue to progress in a way where I am less and less comfortable then I can pull my membership at any point. Being comfortable somewhere is really #1 for me. I hate change as I’ve mentioned and I really don’t want to start new somewhere else. I REALLY don’t.

The last two nights I was able to walk into the gym and feel at ease and just do my thing. Go to my treadmill, yes I have a treadmill at the gym I like and run. A treadmill that I’ve logged many many hours on. And then walk around and use the equipment that I’ve used thousands of times. And be in a place where I’ve spent countless hours of my life and yes, it feels like a second home to me.

As much as I adore Amanda, and I really always will, I am starting to see that some of my stress from the last month or so came from her, her whispering in my ear all the crazy shit that was happening. If I can just go to my gym, blissfully ignorant and just do my thing, it might not be so bad. Yes, the classes suck now, and I am completely going to miss my classes with Amanda, but everything in life is a tradeoff.

I think having seen the past two nights that getting in a good workout in this space is possible has reminded me that all is not lost. That I can quit eating like horrible shit and maybe get back to focusing on the positive.  My life will go on without Amanda. It really will. I can still workout without her. And I can still see her too, like Sunday. It is not the end of the world as I know it.

All of this culminated this morning with stepping on the scale for the first time in FOREVER.  Like I might not be able to even tell you the last time I got on the scale was.  This is what I know. When I went to San Jose I was like 145 pounds, I think I was 144 point something but close to 145. When I went to Vegas I really didn’t weigh myself, the last time I really recall weighing myself was that 144 something. I know I have yo-yo’d since then. And like I said the last month has been SHIT. In particular the last two weeks have been horrific. Not enough exercise and pretty much eating everything and anything I have ever wanted. Copious amounts of crap food. MANY MANY dinners out and greasy unhealthy food choices. I wish I were exaggerating, but I truly am not.  Consequently I have mentally been beating myself up for the last two weeks as well, which really hasn’t been helping anything.

I was terrified to get on the scale, but I was also like, fuck it, time to finally see. I was mentally preparing for like 155 or something. But much to my shock the scale said 148.7. I can completely 1000% live with that. Scratch that, I was HAPPY with that. Beyond happy. Honestly I don’t deserve that.  The only thing I can think of is that all my acquired muscle has been steadily burning thru some of the crazy amounts of food I’ve been eating.  I think I’ve pretty much proven that at this point in my life maintaining between 145-150 pounds is about where I am at. I keep trying to convince myself that I could be, should be 140 pounds but honestly realistically 145-150 is pretty doable for me.

At 145-150 I still get to have margaritas and French fries and white chocolate and buffalo wings and pizza and on and on. With all that said I’m glad the damage was not worse. I really haven’t been on my game in any way shape or form as of late. I know there is room for improvement. I really need to start thinking about 2015 and what my game plan is going to be. What my goal is going to be. I have to have something I’m working towards. I just function better with goals in mind.

I am just so glad that I’m feeling better today. First day in so long that my mind feels a little less hazy. The plan for now is just to survive out the rest of December, enjoy my Christmas, and then hit it hard in January. I can do this!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

It's a GYM problem

2014 is coming to an end in honestly an unexpected, unwelcomed and slightly irritating way. Yes, I have been MIA for a while, and when I look back at when I pseudo disappeared it has everything to do with the correlation of the shit storm that started to appear in my world. Big changes on the horizon and as I have previously learned about myself I don’t handle change well. It ALWAYS throws me into major tailspins and it’s when things go flying off track for me. I am there. Right smack dab in the middle of major life upheaval.  Now, I must admit that for some people what I am about to discuss is going to sound utterly retarded and ridiculous and so trivial and unimportant but for me it really is my life.


It’s all gym related. As in effective November 1 my small local lovely happy gym was purchased by a major roid raging asshole. We were a lovely happy little family once upon a time and I felt comfortable and respected and loved at my gym. It was a place I had come to love going.  It was a second family to me really. I spent so much time there and have developed major friendships with SOOO many people. I never dreaded going there. It kept everything in balance for me.  This all started to slip away in November.


First the lovely gym manager quit. Then the second in command, my ex trainer quit (love her), then new management moved in and declared that our little gym was going to become the second home officially of the Oregon based bodybuilding team, Team DreamQuest. Seriously we are the home to a bodybuilding team. And of course that meant that all the local bodybuilders were moving in and taking up shop. Training their clients in my quiet little happy gym.  And then slowly but surely things got worse. So much drama and crap. I can’t even begin to write it all out. All this culminating with last weeks decision of my bestie and trainer of a year and half Amanda, resigning.  


I should tell you that my current personal training contract was set to end this month. My last payment was coming out December 1 for 4 more training sessions.  In November I signed a new 3 month contract. Then a bunch of shit happened and before the 3 day grace period I decided to pull the contract. You have 3 days after signing to change your mind. I acted on that and cancelled. So December 1 my last training payment went out. Since Amanda quit, we fit in 2 training sessions last week and right now I have 1 training session left to my name. Other than that, I am done, no longer under any obligation or contract.


Pretty much in a month and a half every single staff member has quit and been replaced by a what can only be presumed as steroid taking macho meathead employees.  Most gym members that I had developed these great relationships with have been beyond upset, and some even in tears over it.  I realize that it’s just a gym and it shouldn’t affect people like this, but it was always slightly more than just a gym to some of us.


It has really made me question and reevaluate a lot of things. I was fine as long as I had Amanda. As soon as she was out of there I have to admit that I’ve kind of fallen apart. As I previously said, I SUCK at change. It throws me off incredibly.  I thrive on consistency and routine. I’ve had a really pissy attitude as of late. A Fuck it, who the hell cares lets go eat half a pizza, followed by the very next day going to Applebee’s for wings, fries and margaritas, followed by Mexican and margaritas.  All in the same God Damned weekend. I am not really working out, going to the gym makes me want to vomit.


In a nutshell I’ve been a total mess lately. Add on top of all that two weeks ago someone ran a red light and totally smashed up my truck. I was fine, not hurt shockingly, but I’ve been dealing with insurance companies and car stress and drama and then holiday stress on top of that and you see why all I want to do is just eat? Ugh. I’m trying to pull myself back together but it is extremely difficult.


Amanda took a position on Monday at a new gym in town. Much farther out south. About 20-30 minutes from the current gym. Honestly I wanted to like the gym, I wanted to fall in love and sign up and be happy and have a new home. But I went last night to try it out and I HATED it. Like really hated it. And now I am stressed again.  Because that was the nail in the coffin, the final reality that the relationship that Amanda and I have as it has been is over. It doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends or see each other but clearly the relationship is going to change dramatically. And I’m mourning that loss right now. I’m trying to come to terms with the reality that things are all going to change. And I don’t do well with change. Ugh.


So mostly I am in search of a new something. Something to spark my interest. Something to get me excited and motivated. Something, anything really. To be completely honest I am 100% burnt out on running. Not shocking given the year I’ve had. Not shocking considering how much I’ve ran. I just want a break. I don’t want to give up running, but right now I don’t want to do it. I need a break. So I need something else.  I really, really do.


I am done with personal training and don’t see that in my foreseeable future. I honestly don’t know how I’d be able to train with anyone but Amanda. Maybe someday I will find another place I love and another trainer that I connect with, but for now it’s going to have to be all me. The next step is finding a new gym. Sigh. NOT fun.


For now I keep going back to my meathead gym where I am becoming increasingly less comfortable by the day. I will try it again tonight.  I went Monday night and I hated it. I declared in my head, I was done and I didn’t ever want to go back, which prompted me to go to the new gym last night, which I hated. So back to the old gym tonight where I fear the worst.


Have I mentioned how much  I HATE change?  If I don’t stop eating and start working out things are going to get REALLY rough. I already feel horrific on so many levels. I keep telling myself to just thru the rest of December and start again fresh in January, new year, right? I can do this. I’ve been thru worse. In fact there was a time in my life where I didn’t have any gym membership and couldn’t stand the thought of going to one. Somehow I still managed to exercise. Well, I ran only. And couldn’t maintain my weight loss. Hmm… exactly. It was only when I had the gym and a connection and relationships and friends that I’ve been able to maintain. I need a gym. Sigh.


I need to get out of the horrible mind frame I’ve been in for over a month now and just realize that I am better than all of this and I will find my way again. But hey at least I wrote out this post. Makes writing the next one all the easier.


I know, I know… stupid problems right? Doesn’t matter, its real to me.  It’s all so real and painful. It’s break up’s and things coming to an end and grieving and trying to move on.  One day at a time.