Friday, April 24, 2015

Fashion Friday

Less you thought I forgot, I assure you I did not. It's Fashion Friday. Where I get to indulge in my ego-maniac side and post this weeks self-indulgent selfies. Uh huh...

Rest & Prep

I stumbled across both of these little jems yesterday and they both resonated with me so well that I had to share them.  One because it completely cracked me up and is totally true for unfortunately too much of my life. No I don’t generally think I am an asshole but I sure can be a crazy bitch when my buttons are pushed.  And of course the other being that you are enough, just absolutely enough just as you are. This is perfection. 

Last night rest was exactly what I needed.  I knew my body was so drained yesterday and ultimately as a result of rest I feel much better today. Physically, perhaps not mentally, but there is even a slight mental improvement with the physical one.  I stopped at the grocery store on my way home for a couple items where I ended up purchasing a large package of fresh chicken breast.  Like pounds of it for $10.00. Normally I buy the chicken breasts frozen in a bag, but this stuff was not frozen and I thought it might taste a smidge better so I went for it. 

When I got home I opened up the package and did not a single thing to the chicken breast because I am just lazy like that and literally just plopped it down onto my Traeger smoker Bar-B-Que.   I did let it smoke for an hour to get all those good flavors in it.  This was probably a great decision.  Then I sat my ass down on my couch (after changing into pajama pants at 6 PM) and just watched some TV.  At about 7 I turned the grill up and cooked my chicken.  I could tell I must have been hungry last night because I’ve always said if you aren’t hungry enough to eat vegetables than you aren’t really hungry. Well last night I ate carrots. Lots of carrots, so clearly I was hungry enough.  But the funny thing is, it’s the carrots dipped in my light blue cheese dressing. I think it’s more about having a little crunch to accompany the delicious taste of the dressing.  Nonetheless, I ate carrots.

After about 30-40 minutes the chicken smelled and looked amazing.  Like holy shit you’d think I was a top of the line chef and not a girl who literally dropped the chicken straight from package to grill top and turned it on. The flavor of the chicken was the bomb.  I immediately started dipping that bad boy into my dressing and my tummy loved it.  So yes, I *cooked*. 

I had all this delicious chicken and therefore did the closest to meal prepping you will ever find me doing, by weighing the pieces and putting them into baggies of about 4 ounces for future consumption.  See photographic evidence.

I was kind of sickly proud because this is not something I would normally do, but it seemed like the right thing to do.  And oh that chicken was just perfection.  I am guessing it had a lot more to do with the “freshness” of it vs the typical freezed stuff I eat.  This is clearly the way to go.

So I ate my chicken, my carrots all of which was dipped in my amazing Lighthouse OPA Greek Yogurt Blue Cheese dressing and I felt happiness of the food kind.  Almost that same feeling one would get from eating a scrumptious dessert.  I guess good food is good food no matter what and it all gives you the same scary high. I say scary because as a general rule I am certain no amount of any food should ever make you this giddy. That’s part of my whole problem to begin with.  I should not actually be in love with food this much.

So this whole week I’ve been eating Lean Cuisines for lunch.  It’s like, when you are starting over you’ve got to go back to basics. Things that get you thru.  I will never knock the need or ease of a boxed frozen meal.  Sometimes you’ve just got to. Given I don’t cook I accept that they are a viable option for a girl like me.  But the nutritional quality of them is not lost on me.  It’s better than a lot of things for sure but not as good as say clean chicken and carrots dipped in dressing of course.  So today for lunch I actually opened up my prepackaged 4 ounce bag of chicken and dropped in a weighed 5 ounces of carrots and measured out 2 tablespoons of my dressing in a little container and made my own “quick meal” for lunch.

Now this seems like an amazing thing.  Of course if I ate this every day I am fairly certain that it wouldn’t take long for me to loathe chicken and carrots.  But for right now this minute it’s a damned healthy option.  This baggy is presently sitting in my work mini-fridge waiting for me.

After I ate, I pretty much decided last night that I was exhausted and I went to bed. At 8:30 PM.  I can’t even remember the last time I went to bed at 8:30 PM.  It was quite obvious to me that my body was just functioning on lack of proper rest and sickness.  I didn’t immediately fall asleep, I tossed and turned for a bit before ultimately falling fast asleep.  I didn’t wake up early or toss and turn again meaning that I got in a TON of solid sleep last night that obviously my body really needed. 

I did end up eating a tiny bit more food yesterday than I might should have. But it wasn’t bad at all. I finished yesterday eating 1,455 calories.  I don’t think that is uncalled for considering the quality of the food was pretty high.  Lots of carrots and chicken and almonds and even 2 rice cakes, which probably isn’t high quality. But whatever. Not mad.  So that means 4 days have now been spent in total food control and that feels lovely.  That is a better feeling than I’ve had in quite some time.

Today I have penciled in most foods except dinner. Not sure yet what that will entail.  But I have packed my gym clothes where I plan on heading to the gym tonight for a nice big old heavy leg day. I need it.  I need to feel powerful and in control.  I need to lift heavy things and squat heavy things.  I need to take back some power at the gym.  I am not mad about not going last night.  I knew what my body needed and I think it thanked me for the extra rest last night.  I feel much more capable today. More excited even to tackle the gym tonight.  That is all I was after anyway.  So here’s to hoping I crush the gym tonight and start to feel like my old self again soon.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

The sick reality

Last night at the gym I had one of those ah ha moments where I might have realized something crucial to my well-being. I think I’m sick.  Like physically ill. Like I think what started out earlier this week as allergies has morphed into an upper respiratory infection of some sort that has left me plugged up, can’t breathe, killer headache. You know, the usual.  

I have been kind of mad at myself this week, starting Monday when I had a horrific outside run that really pissed me off. And then of course I pushed myself Tuesday to run thru it literally, outside which wasn’t horrible, but I also wasn’t entirely pleased with my performance.  And Tuesday night while I did do legs at the gym I also felt a little like I was flaking out a bit.  And then FINALLY it all came to a full on collision last night when I was forcing myself to run 3.1 miles on the treadmill and it was literally like torture. Like I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I had no energy and it was a struggle to even run at 5.8 mph as I tried to wipe away the snot from my nose.  And suddenly when I had finally finished at like 32 or 33 minutes it dawned on me that perhaps I was actually sick.  As I sneezed a bunch into a paper towel. 

I walked over to my mom, who was actually at the gym last night, and was like, hmm. I wonder if I’m sick? Like perhaps that is part of what has been causing all these horrible feeling exhausted nights of exercise. Like maybe it isn’t that suddenly running 3.1 miles at a 5.8 pace is horrifically hard and I’ve reverted back in my training. Perhaps I’m sick. Perhaps the sniffles and the breathing and the headache are all actually causing my body distress and right now this IS the best I can perform, but it’s not the best I am capable of.  That perhaps not feeling 100% is resulting in less than stellar workouts.  I know, insane thought right?  But it took me days to figure this out. 

That and it took two separate people asking me on two separate occasions if I was sick or if my being plugged up was because of allergies. I quickly replied allergies, because it is, but then I started to have the thought that it might be more than that.  I feel drained for no good reason.  My body just isn’t 100% at all.  I know this. Coupled with or perhaps as a result of feeing so yucky my mental state has slipped a bit as well.  Piss poor workouts or not performing to my ability has made me feel mad at myself and consequently I have started to get into a funky headspace. 

Mixed with some personal drama that I don’t want to go into right now, I’ve just been off the past couple days.  I try very hard to keep my personal passing life drama, annoyances out of this blog because it isn’t necessary but occasionally like every human being, I have personal drama and fights and problems and things I have to work out in my head that ultimately affect my well-being.  This is one of those times when I can’t shake the personal problems out of my head enough to not have them interfere with this space in my world.  So yes, my mental state was VERY shitty yesterday and today and this probably does not help with the actual physical cold that I am fighting.  In a nutshell my body is a mess!  I realize this. 

Last night I forced my 3.1 mile run and then I did some back and biceps with my mom and then Amanda and I did heavy shoulders. I muddled thru pretty well considering how I was feeling.  In fact, I finished with like 2 hours at the gym and 725 calories burned. I can’t feel bad about my performance.  I didn’t.  BUT, I knew I wasn’t at all on my game.  I wasn’t excited to be there. And running really was torture.   I feel exhausted today like I really just want to sleep.  That could be depression or it could simply be my body fighting off the excessive amount of abuse I’ve put it thru.

When I look back, last Saturday I ran a 10k, Sunday I did an hour of chest and triceps work with Amanda (which left me VERY sore for days) and then Monday was a 4 mile run and then Tuesday was crazy 5 miles outside and then another 90 minutes at the gym, and then last night another 2 hours.  I have gone 5 days in a row already and I’m wondering if my body is just pooped.  For the first time in a very long time I am honestly thinking about taking a rest day today.  I am kind of listening to my body and it is kind of telling me that a rest might in fact be in order.  As I sniffle my nose and try to suck back up the snot that is trying to seep out.

I think I might need to admit that I am simply fried all around and that the best thing I could possibly do is rest.  Give myself a solid 24 hours away from the gym or running or lifting anything.  I can go to the gym Friday night. I can mix it up and that would be fine.  But maybe, just maybe, not forcing myself this evening would be the smartest decision.   I feel like I could close my eyes and literally fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow. It is not even 2 PM yet and I feel this way. 

Maybe all these workouts this week have been less than awesome feeling because I have honestly not been working with a full strength body.  Therefore maybe I should forgive myself.  Maybe I shouldn’t freak out just yet that running 3.1 miles at a 5.8 or even 5.7 pace on the treadmill was so hard.  Maybe I should wait until I feel a little better to pass judgement on my current physical state.

So alas, I think I’ve made the decision to forgo the gym tonight in lieu of going home and sitting on my couch. Scratch that, lying on my couch and closing my eyes.  I can go tomorrow.  There is no good reason why I can’t go to the gym tomorrow, Friday night instead. In fact I have not a fucking single plan for this entire weekend.  Nothing I have to do, nowhere I need to be. Nothing.  There is no valid reason I can’t run and lift and spend copious amounts of time at the gym Friday-Sunday if I want to. Which means that I can take the night off.

On the plus side I am on day 4 of logging my food which has given me a sudden renewed happiness and thrill.  Like somehow having 3 completely on track days makes me not want to falter.  Like suddenly I simply will not even eat that bad thing because I don’t want to go over my daily allowance.  Funny how something as stupid as simply logging your food sometimes can produce this feeling. And yet, sometimes no matter how hard you try, logging in for a day or two makes no difference at all. I suppose it’s more about your head being in the right mental space than anything.

And somehow, suddenly I want it. I find it a new and fun challenge to keep my food intake in a certain range.  Believe me, that feeling gets old way too soon and it will become a chore more than anything. But for now, it’s fun and exciting again and I’m going with it.  I honestly know that the only way I stand any chance of losing any weight at this point is to log my food.  My exercise game is pretty much on point and consistent so where I can make any difference is the food.  So far so good. 

I am suddenly finding for some odd reason that I am in love once again with chicken breast dipped in Lighthouse OPA Greek yogurt blue cheese dressing. AMAZING! And then adding some baby carrots to dip as well along with it. Really delicious dinner combo.  I am actually really thrilled with that as dinner.  Funny how everything becomes new and exciting again at some point.

Actually I might need to stop off at the grocery store before I go home tonight to pick up some more food and then just go home and rest my very out of whack body.  I’m pretty sure this post has pretty much talked myself into taking a rest day.  Maybe that’s why I wrote it out.  I know I would recommend it to anyone else saying the crap I’m saying.  Um, 5 days in a row of exercise, feeling sick, runny nose, headaches, exhaustion.  Yeah, freaking take the rest day already! Listen to your body before you strain it more.

Sometimes a simple rest day will actually help your body more than any amount of running or lifting possibly could.  Not to mention I have been feeling quite crazy in the head and that does not help at all. When things get too overwhelming my body’s first response is to just want to run away from everything. I am a runner in every capacity.  I want to flee situations before confronting them head on.  I often have visions of being that woman who gets in her car and just disappears. Just drives off into the sunset and is never heard from again.  I don’t feasibly know that this is possible or how I would survive. Thus this not really being a viable option at all.  BUT sometimes it’s a nice thought to think about.  Just getting away from everything.  I don’t mean it at all.  But it can be a helpful little daydream; distraction.

Ultimately I just want to feel healthy I think, like 100% ready to go and kill it, both running and lifting. Which is probably my surest sign that I am sick. The fact that I don’t feel empowered to go hard or go home.  Oh body, sometimes you suck!  Let’s see if 24 hours of this rest thing can work any magic.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Deep Thoughts by Emily Canady

Finding any amount of continual balance and happiness in life is really a hard task.  On one hand I’d say it shouldn’t be that hard. You should just be happy most of the time effortlessly. And then sometimes I realize that life is just hard period and around every turn is another obstacle.  I am not certain which is more the reality.  I guess it depends on your outlook on life mostly. You know that glass half full or half empty kind of deal.  What moves you, what motivates you. What makes your life worth living for.

I don’t live to work. That much is certain. Work is quite honestly the necessary evil in order for me to get to the good parts of life.  As much as I love working out and being healthy and a lot of my life is lived in pursuit of that, ultimately I suppose it is not the reason I live either.  I work out to give myself the ability to do the things that I live for.  Figuring out those things that make your life worth living is such an ever changing tedious battle.  At the end of the day my happy place is a gorgeous beach, sunglasses on, the warmth of the universe, sand between my toes, loved one by my side.  This is the forever goal.  The forever goal can only be achieved through various amounts of day to day living, but I suspect this is what I am living for.  Being able to get to those moments of true bliss.

True bliss is surrendering yourself to moments in time that take your breath away.  It’s the beach in Maui, its flying over the canopy on a zip line in Mexico, its crossing the finish line after a hard fought run.  These are the moments that leave me embracing life.  And yet, there are simpler moments to.  Last Friday night at my aunt and uncles house just hanging out with family and friends and there was this simple moment where I stopped and took mental note of those around me. That in this crazy world, LOVE is ultimately the strongest most rewarding force.  That on a random Friday night, just because, I can end up hanging out with so many people that I adore.  Aside from my aunt and uncle, my mom was there, my sister and brother in law. My cousin and his fiancĂ©, her best friend and her husband, and then me and Chris.  It put a giant smile on my face because here we were randomly laughing and talking about life, drinking wine and eating cheesecake because we truly love each other’s company.  This is a simple moment that makes the rest less pleasant moments manageable. Sure they are not as epic as running a marathon or riding a donkey thru the Puerto Vallarta mountainside.  They aren’t as beautiful as a Maui sunset, but they are perfect just as they are.  Because love is the driving force.

All of my hours at the gym, all of the care and concern over health and nutrition are done in the ultimate pursuit of happiness.  Sure, while slaving away in sweat at a gym I find happiness or else I wouldn’t do it, but ultimately it’s to serve the greater good. To give me the self-love and self-confidence I need to live my life fearlessly and with all the passion I have bottled up to never be afraid to choose happiness. To run the marathon. To wear the bikini on the beach. To love myself.  To embrace my beautiful imperfections.

I love being active and healthy because I love the way it makes me feel.  Sure I like to look good but truly that is the byproduct of the work.  I’d still put in the work (I’d still go for the run) even if it didn’t result in any physical transformation because the emotional transformation that occurs is what it’s really about. I try and remember this lesson as much as I can. And believe me, I lose sight of it often. I think the whole reason I am even thinking about it today is because I have lately lost sight of the bigger goal.  I need this reminder today as I am processing all of this to refocus my attentions on what really matters.

I’ve spent the better part of the last month beating myself up for my imperfections and my inability to control my eating.  I think it clouds my vision in being able to simply love myself and make decisions based on the quality of my life and my health.  When I make it about the image in the mirror things derail.  When I am able to focus the effort on the quality of my life I end up successful.  These are lessons that have taken me a very great deal of time to fully learn. 

I realized yesterday as I was looking back on my website, this journal, that it’s been pretty much almost 2 years that I have maintained my weight.  Sure I started this journey on October 5, 2012 but I pretty much hit my goal in April of 2013.  I have pretty much been consistent within 10 pounds of my weight for 2 years.  All the while getting physically stronger and stronger.  All the while mentally changing in ways I had only hoped would occur, in ways I could not have predicted.

Life is not always easy.  I have had so many days of ups and downs and horrible moments that made me feel like everything was falling apart and yet somehow I am still here. You can never judge a person simply by what you see. We are all very layered complex individuals. There is always more than meets the eye.  Few would know truly everything that has occurred in my life. I don’t choose to share everything with everyone.  But this is true for everyone. There are always secret little parts of our lives we keep hidden from the world.  Probably to protect ourselves.  We all are fighting some sort of demon. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And maybe this is the best reason why I run.  So that maybe I can outrun my demons. That maybe if I just keep running long enough, fast enough, far enough that I can chase some of them away.  That I can forget about everything else. That I can just let go of the hurt and pain in my past.  No one gets to be obese without fighting some sort of hurt or pain in their lives. Sure you can gain weight and be a little plump because of life circumstances or liking food a little too much or becoming sedimentary.  But true obesity is a much more internal struggle. When I see someone who is clearly fighting an obesity battle I know there is a much larger issue at play. I know, because I’ve lived it.

It’s hard to escape the desire to turn to food as comfort in times when the world around you seems in chaos and is falling apart. Honestly I am not referring to anything in my life right now. Things are actually going just fine in my life, other than the day in day out grind that can wear a person down.  But that is the part of life that is just life.  You have great happy days and then you have shitty pissy days for no reason at all. Or perhaps the reason is as simple as the sky is gloomy and dark and you are tired or you are pissed or bothered by an irrelevant comment someone made that tweaked you the wrong way.  You know, stupid trivial unimportant stuff that can cause your day to go askew but really matter not in the grand scheme of things.

Mostly I am just trying to put shit into perspective today.  Be thankful for all the blessings you do have in your life. You have a roof over your head. You have food. You have health. You can walk, talk, breath, then you are doing okay.

The truth is I am actually feeling pretty well physically today. With control comes happiness. I have successfully journaled my food for 2 whole days in a row. This is like the first time in forever but it makes me feel in control to actually be not binging nightly on food. To actually record what I eat. To know that I am not eating 3000 calories a day.  It in turn makes me want to push a little harder in other parts of my life to find that control and balance. All parts must work together to get the desired outcome.  It’s not so much about having some great transformation physically but more about feeling good about myself and my choices. About properly taking care of me and fueling myself effectively.  Things I have forgotten lately.  Of course I am making better decisions and then I am going to Vegas in like 9 days. Oh well I guess.

Last night I went to the gym after work, burned another 400 calories for the day and called it good. Tonight I am going to go to Amanda’s gym and try to run 3 miles then do some back and biceps work and then at 7 PM I am going to do a shoulder workout with Amanda. So it will be a long night at the gym for me. But Chris works late and it’s totally fine. I’m kind of in a weird head place today and I think putting in some time at the gym will be fine. Maybe help me out a bit in the grand scheme of things.

Just kind of having one of those “off” days a little while I sort out some of this mental fog in my mind. I guess some days you just have to really ask yourself why do I do the things I do? Is this all really worthwhile? Make sure  you are still doing things for the right reasons, you know.

Anyway, I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and reenergized by life. But let’s not hold our breath just yet.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Get it done, any which way!

It has been an interesting 24 hours in terms of my fitness life.  I had this nagging feeling all day yesterday like I just did NOT want to go to the gym.  This is a very weird feeling for me considering mostly not going to the gym is not an option for me.  BUT for some crazy reason I couldn’t really put my finger on last night I just couldn’t stomach the thought of walking into the gym.  The more I thought about it, I guess the more I realized that I just couldn’t stand to see all “those” people.  That is ultimately just made me sick to my stomach to have to try and put on a smile and not let the world around me affect me.

It’s no secret that lately I’ve been struggling with food. In fact if I’m completely honest I am pretty certain that in the last month there hasn’t been a single day where I haven’t eaten an excessive amount of food, some days even bordering on the binging category.  This has left me mentally struggling with my body image issues.  This has left me feeling less than good about myself. I put on a brave face but ultimately I worry that at some point all the binging is going to catch up with me on the scale.  I have teetered into a land that I hate which is one where my decisions are being made out of self-loathe rather than self-love.  I know there is a big difference in my life when those lines are crossed. 

Going to the old gym, The Edge, can ultimately prove a recipe for disaster when I am wavering on my resolve and self-esteem.  Seeing all the body builders and generally pretty bitchy girls can just be too much for me to handle.  Sure, some of them might be lovely and nice underneath the vain exterior and it’s not fair for me to lump judge them all, but at some point I have to do what is best for me and my mental health.  I think that is getting away from that environment.  I am sure I don’t realize how much it affects me until I am without it.  Yesterday was the first day where I really really was dreading going there so much that I decided not to.  Yup, I decided to go home and run outside instead because ultimately I couldn’t handle the thought of dealing with all of those outside forces yesterday.

I just can no longer handle the hyper-perfect world of the competitive image driven gym.  It makes me insane. I just want to walk into a gym and not feel judged. I want to feel good about myself.  I want to work out for me, to better myself, and feel good about my progress.  I don’t need anyone else bringing me down.  It’s just not good for me.  It takes away my accomplishments simply being in that environment.  Clearly yesterday I ended up in a fucked up mental space by the end of the day. 

So I did in fact decide to go home and run.  This was a good and bad decision all at once.  It was hot. Like 80 something degrees here.  I countered that clearly I need to run in 80 something degree weather for you know Maui and all.  I thought this would be a swell idea.  It wasn’t.  This is the first day that my body tried to endure this heat and it did not like it. Typically I like running in the heat honestly.  But it’s that whole going from zero to HOT without the proper build up that kind of blew things into crazy land. 

My run last night was one of the most humbling runs I have done in a long time.  I thought Saturday’s run was humbling… eek… it had nothing on last night’s attempt at a run.  I say attempt because it was eye opening to say the least.  I was tired. I guess, after work, after mentally kind of being in a funk, and then to just go for a run in the heat and apparently dehydrated was not a good thing.  I actually felt my stomach side cramp which hasn’t happened in forever.  I felt my body want to slow down. I wanted to quit so bad.  I did in fact slow down.  And all I could manage was a 4.15 mile run.  And it took me like 43 minutes.  It was awful. More than the time, it was how I felt. I felt horrible.  I felt like I was going to die and it made me feel like I was incapable of running.

Two bad runs in a row and my mind starts to doubt my ability.  I felt so awful about last night’s run that immediately after running I decided that I perhaps should wake up early this morning and run at least 4 miles before work just to redeem myself so I feel better about running as a whole.  My run felt that bad.  And to make matters worse, I was beating myself up because I only did about 43 minutes of exercise, 450 calories burned and that was it. I did nothing else yesterday.  This unto itself is not really horrible, but for me it seems like a cop out.  But I tried to forgive myself. I really did try to not be too hard on myself.

I tried to refocus myself and my energies and think of the positive.  The positive being that yesterday was the first day in a very long time that I can remember that I actually recorded an entire days’ worth of food. Yup, I went back to myfitnesspal and entered my food. For good or bad, ugly or not, I entered everything. And when I say ugly I mean everything I ate yesterday was a processed piece of crap. But I don’t care. It was a start.  I actually recorded my food and finished with around 1,500 calories for the day. This is great for me.  This is totally acceptable and I felt so much better. In control having actually stuck to some semblance of a reasonable amount of food. No late night binges.  No over the top food.  And that is the positive take away from yesterday. Back to the start, back to recording just 1 day of food.  Trying to get it back under control again.

Perhaps my take away from my run too was the fact that my legs felt like led weights and it immediately became clear that if I could freaking lose 10-15 pounds this whole running thing would feel easier and breezier and I’d certainly be lighter on my feet.  So despite the horrific exercise I will declare yesterday an overall win. 

This morning I woke up around 6 or 6:30 and thought about running.  I even laid out running clothes. But as I secretly suspected I couldn’t force myself out of bed to actually run. I will pretty much choose sleep over exercise in the mornings on most occasions.  Plus I blame my dogs, they were providing some very good snuggles this morning and I couldn’t leave them.  So I did not run this morning.  But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed a “redeem” myself run. I needed something to make me feel good about running again.  So I did something completely unprecedented for me. Something I have never EVER done.  I changed into my workout clothes before lunch, at noon, and drove myself to a nearby park, and decided that I was going to go for a lunchtime run.  What??? Yup. I can’t run tonight because I have gym plans but I desperately needed a vote of confidence in the whole running department and the only way to get it is to just go out and do it.

So I forgot to bring my Garmin GPS run watch.  I just had my heart rate monitor which doesn’t tell me distance while running. But that is not an excuse not to run. I had my phone and I used a run app, which clearly will work. I just can’t look down at my wrist every second to see where I’m at and instead had to rely on intuition to direct my pace.  I used the app and ultimately discovered that when all was said and done I had ran 5 miles, right around 50 minutes so clearly intuitively I was doing my 10 minute mile pace. This made me feel much better.  My run last night was brutal and I couldn’t keep that pace.  But the most important part about today’s lunch run was that I was able to actually run and at some point feel my comfort return. It wasn’t the easiest run of my life, but it wasn’t the worst either. It was comfortable and consistent and I felt okay. 

I felt okay enough that I do feel redeemed from last night’s debacle.  It was hard to run without my watch on my wrist, I didn’t like that. But I still ran 5 miles and that made me feel a whole hell of a lot better.  So 5 miles are already in the book for today.  So anything really is possible if you want it bad enough. I figured out a way to get in a run today even while at work.  So yes my friends I changed into workout clothes at noon and ran for 50 minutes on my lunch and now am sitting in my stinky workout clothes in my office.  It is a very good thing I have a very  flexible work.  Come on, I work for construction workers in a construction office that is primarily a dirty messy place and mostly I am completely alone all the time.  It’s all good. But I do stink!

So back to that whole gym thing.  I still can’t stomach the thought of going to Edge. For whatever reason a switch has been flipped in my head and I just don’t want to be there anymore.  I truly believe it is a bad environment for me and my mental well-being.  I went all last week and I was fine, kind of.  I was able to do my workouts and such but ultimately it just pissed me off.  I complained to Amanda and she told me to just come to her gym.  She said she’d let me work out there.  In fact she just texted me and wants me to take a class at 5:30.  I said sure because I have already done my run for the day.  So I am going to take a class from 5:30-6:00 and then I am going to do leg day at Amanda’s gym.  It is much smaller but much calmer and more real.  Real people. Not crazy body building fitness people.  Just your average normal human beings looking to improve the quality of their lives.  This is what my gym used to be and what I miss.  So tonight I am going to go to Amanda’s gym instead. Because I just can’t go to Edge tonight either.  It just feels too yucky.  Not sure if this feeling will ever pass.  This might be proof that it’s time to call it quits, right?

Anyhow.  That is what I am up to.  I do feel relief having run 5 miles today already. I feel like breaking things up into different parts will work out nicely. And it wasn’t so awful, like perhaps on some days this summer I could possibly get in some lunchtime runs at that park.  Anything in the 3-6 mile range would be possible.  I could steal away 30-60 minutes for a run depending on the day. Perks of having a job you love with lots of freedom and flexibility.  One of the reasons why I am willing to accept less than ideal pay or benefits.  There are other perks that come with it.

I also feel like I am making up for my lack of a totally awesome workout yesterday.  Since I’ve already burned 515 calories today. That means after tonight it’s going to be a good day. I have a nice big workout going to go down tonight too.  I still feel pretty good from my run so I might not even need to do a real warm up tonight before class but we will see.

Anyway, I really should get back to work now.