Friday, September 19, 2014


Can I just say TGIF. This has been a particularly long rough week overall for me and I’m glad it’s coming to an end. I am also glad its Friday because it’s rest day for me and my body REALLY needs the rest. I am one sore puppy today. I thought I was sore yesterday and by all accounts I was sore. But today, today is worse.  Sometimes 2 days out is worse on the sore front for me. I was sore last night at the gym so I decided the only thing I could actually do was legs, so consequently aside from having a very sore upper body my lower body is now joining in on the fun.

Yesterday I was massively stressed and pissed and did not want to go to the gym. But funny thing is, once I got there and did my thing it was actually the best part of my entire day.  That is what endorphins do for me. That is what a good workout and sweat and feeling accomplished does.  I told myself I was going to run and just run for a little while. In all honesty I knew, despite my brain saying I don’t want to, that I was going to run a 5k last night. I knew it the moment I got on the machine because they have those preprogrammed workouts and I hit the 5k button on it.  I just started running, listening to my music and I have to say the first 3 minutes felt like torture. It takes a few minutes for your body to warm up and get into the groove. In those couple first minutes I thought I was going to die and by no means that I was going to be able to do a full 5k. But a few minutes later I felt fine.  I ran a very comfortable good pace for me and low and behold completed a 3.1 mile run in 30 minutes. I was running at a 6.2 speed on the treadmill. It was perfect and I was nice and sweaty and feeling awesome afterwards.

Then I knew I wanted to do at least 30 minutes of strength training but given how ridiculously tender my upper body was I opted for legs. Don’t know if that was such a smart decision but it was the only one I could make. So I went ahead and got a 40 pound barbell to do squats with. I was going for low weight/high reps this evening.  I immediately began with 50 squats. Yup, 50. Then I did 20 low pulsating squats at the bottom. I then picked up 15 pound dumbbells and proceeded to do lunges across the gym. It ended up being 15 lunges each way, repeat. Then I did a low pulse lunge on each side, 20 count.

Repeat this entire sequence of exercises 4 times. It took me about 45 minutes and I was a sweaty mess but I felt great. That means total I did 200 regular squats. 80 low pulsating squats. 120 lunges and 160 pulsating lunges. Oh and at the very end just for shits and giggles I did 60 deadlifts.  Reflecting upon yesterday this was probably the best hour and a half of my day. The time where I zoned out in sweat and only focused on my breathing and getting outside of my own head. I’m glad I went and pushed myself because I really didn’t want to.  But today I need to rest. My body is definitely telling me its rest day.

Of course the stress doesn’t really go away. As soon as I go home I have to round up Bella for a doctor’s visit. I hate doing these things. It’s a necessary evil in life, but not fun by any stretch of the imagination. Mostly I just want to go home and sit and do nothing but alas there is no rest for the wicked. It’s mostly self-imposed though so I can’t complain all that much.

Tomorrow morning we are getting up and running a 5k. I am not sure about the logistics of how everything is going to work because we have to bring molly with us because she has her vet appointment in the afternoon and its up in the area we are running. We can’t run and then go home and get her and drive back.  This either means that one or both of us is going to have to just walk the 5k with Molly or else maybe Chris’s dad is going to meet us and babysit molly while we run. Not sure yet. Either way it’s a 5k for us tomorrow and then Molly’s specialist visit which is really the source of much stress and anxiety but at least its happening and hopefully fingers crossed we will just know one way or another what is really going on with her eye.

After that its home and then in theory we are supposed to go to my mom’s house to celebrate my sisters birthday. The whole family will be there. But I have a bit of a stupid issue. The issue being that while I completely adore my family they are really terrible horrible eaters. Meaning, everything they are preparing is ridiculously bad for you. I can say this is okay but Sunday morning it’s another half for us and I can’t eat shit food the night before and get sick. It’s not a good idea at all. Plus been working hard and all at meeting my goals. Sometimes I just wish they’d eat healthier, not really for me, but for them honestly. I know I can’t eat the food, but we will probably stop by to say hi and hang out a little. But the food is so tempting which is always part of the problem honestly. Will power. Geesh.

And then of course Sunday morning marks the one year anniversary of me running my very first half marathon.  I of course celebrate by running another half. But this time its number 22 for the year. Amazing what you can accomplish in a year. Thankfully in a year’s time I have learned how not to be as much of a neurotic freak about running as I was before that very first one. I remember really being a total basket case and scared shitless honestly. Thankfully I don’t get like that anymore. Sure, sometimes I still get nervous or scared but not enough to keep me up all night and feeling like I want to puke. I’ve endured most scenarios now on a run and I’m pretty confident that I have the ability to finish no matter what obstacles I may end up facing.

Got to push thru strong now. I’m on the home stretch so to speak. 2 weeks today I will be in San Jose. I can’t believe it’s only 2 weeks, time sure does have a way of going by. But I’m proud that since I decided to get back at it and set a goal for myself I am officially down 12 pounds. I feel so much better today than I did 8 weeks ago when I started.  I really can notice 12 pounds gone off my frame.

I am exhausted right now, but hopefully the high of running will take me thru this race heavy weekend. After all, I should be celebrating sticking with something for a whole year. Running has changed me in every possible way and made my life better. That is what I need to celebrate this weekend. Thank you half marathon’s for shaping me and pushing me and giving me the best year of my life, ever!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Exhausted with a surprise

Hmm. It’s been a couple days. I can honestly say that a certain amount of stress mixed with starting my period has left me in a crabby crappy mood. I hate that! Molly has an appointment with an eye specialist on Saturday, and that is the best we can do. There is definitely something more serious wrong with her eye and consequently we both spend far too much time worrying about her. Not that it’s ever a waste or wrong to spend an excessive amount of time worrying about your child when they are in pain. It’s just at this moment we are helpless and pretty much at the mercy of what is going to happen.  In the meantime we are just loving her and giving her attention and treats and doing the best we can. Not too much else we actually can do.

Given all the crazy stress and then of course the onslaught of my period and honestly this morning I was seriously beyond thrilled to have lost anything on the scale. I was pretty sure I’d be lucky to even maintain. I was at 147.5, meaning I lost .8 pounds this week. I will take it. Actually I am truly HAPPY with losing .8 pounds. I swear this is the most excited I’ve ever been to see a .8 loss. It’s great considering what size I’m at right now, and how good I actually feel about my body at this point and of course given this crazy stress week and less than perfect eating. I have been period hungry this week which means I just want to eat everything in sight and have very little will power. I tried very hard to keep it under some amount of control. So clearly a .8 pound loss is great for me. I’m thrilled and excited with that.

Mostly I’m worried about Molly. This shit sucks. This is why I am glad on some level I do not have children. It is so hard to stress and worry about them. It’s hard enough dealing with all my crazy stress yet alone someone else you love dearly. This includes my fur babies.  As a result of the stress and the period and my hormones whacking out of control those little things that normally wouldn’t bother you suddenly become big crazy deals. I have found myself getting irritated at the slightest things lately. It’s really really ridiculous. But living in an overwhelming land of stress and helplessness can cause this. I just don’t want my baby to lose her eye or go blind or anything like that. It’s kind of a big deal.

But I push on. I soldier on as I always do. Last night I was just physically exhausted. I REALLY REALLY didn’t want to go to the gym, but I had personal training and I knew it was most likely going to kick my ass. I mean, it always does, so I don’t know why I ever wonder or doubt that I will walk away feeling sore and tired. Today I hurt, like my chest and upper parts of my chest arm area are so tender that at times I kind of make those whiny cry noises. Yup, it’s attractive on top of my shit mood. I move my arms and I go ouch. Good times. Clearly last night we did chest. It’s only 3 exercises people. 3 sets of 3 exercises for chest and I am fried. Then we did 3 sets of 3 exercises for my back. That’s it. Half an hour gone.  And at the time I think this doesn’t seem like I’m going to be sore tomorrow and then somehow I just am.

I am much stronger in my back than I am in my chest so while it hurt like a son of a bitch last night doing those back exercises, so much so that I was making grunty noises and my acquaintances and “friends” at the gym who were watching were smiling and laughing with me (I’m going to say with me because I had a smile on my face and was laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation!)  I was exhausted, like killed VERY heavy lat pulls and thought I was just going to die. Then she was like, just to burn out, let’s do 20 light lat pulls. On the inside I wanted to cry. I was exhausted. On the outside, I nervously laughed and went, ha ha, okay.

Today my back doesn’t really hurt, but its hard to tell because the front side is in so much trauma that I think it overshadows any amount of pain that might exist on my back. 3 freaking chest exercises, 3 sets and I seriously am throbbing today. Crazy town. I guess that is sometimes why a trainer is important. There is just no way on my own that I get to that point. For one, I can’t. I can’t lift that heavy without a spotter whom I trust and who is going to push me.  Plus not to mention I just don’t want to. Ha Ha.

But I’m feeling it today. I actually felt great last night after running 1.5 miles, and then doing my 30 minutes of training, and then doing an hour Iron Power strength training class. But alas once again today it’s 4 something and I’m exhausted and don’t want to go. But I must. Get thru one more night of it and then tomorrow I have to take off because I have to take Bella in to the vet for her vaccinations. I’m getting pretty tired of vet visits these days. No fun. Stress is no fun at all.

What I really want to do is go home and curl up under the covers and sleep. But that is just not going to happen. Instead I will force myself to the gym to give it one more go of it.  All I will commit to is just 1 hour. Give myself 1 little hour. I can do that. Then I am free to go home and relax thru Saturday. I guess I still have to get thru tomorrow first though.

Either way, that is where I am at, and it’s not the prettiest place in the world, but it could always be worse I guess. Let’s just hope it’s not the worse come Saturday.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014


Well Molly has been to the vet 2 days in a row now. Yesterday she went in and then she went in again to our vet here in town. She’s been a busy girl. The conclusion at the end of all these doctor’s visits is that she now needs to see a specialist.  Whatever is going on in her eye is out of the norm and it’s now time for a vet who specializes in eyeballs to come in. Oh joy. They eye is just not healing properly. It should have gotten better by now and she is still in pain apparently so I guess this is going to happen. Chris is working the late shift at work today thru Thursday which means he has the mornings off. He is going to call the specialist that the vet recommended I guess today and we will go from there. I hate thinking of my baby suffering. Sometimes she seems perfectly happy and healthy and normal. Then sometimes I can tell she’s sad. I suppose this is what parents feel like when their children are suffering. Molly is my baby. My child. I am not ever going to be a fully on human mom but I am definitely a doggy mommy and it hurts my heart.

I really don’t know too much at this point. Other than what is happening in her eye is not normal. The antibiotics should have worked by now; they have not. Her eye has essentially scabbed over with that blurry filmy glassy look and the antibiotics are not properly getting to the scratch. Oh yeah, her eyeball now has an ulcer in it. The vet found that. She has an eyeball ulcer. Don’t exactly know what that means either. I was not actually at either doctor’s visit. I just want her to get better. My sweet sweet sad little girl. We will just keep moving forward. It’s frustrating feeling so helpless and not really knowing what’s going on. Sigh.

Last night I had a great gym workout and came home to just Bella. Molly was still at Grandpa’s house and she and Chris did not get home until late. Bella is all puppy and she was definitely missing Molly last night. As soon as Molly came home she was super excited and happy. It was pretty cute. While I did have a great workout I was completely overly hungry last night.  I ate way too much for sure. Stress might do that as well.

I plan on going to the gym tonight and running for ½ an hour, just a quick 5k run and then do at least ½ an hour of weights of some sort. I am almost thinking about doing legs just to get them done and out of the way for the week. Tomorrow is personal training and then I will work out again Thursday night. Friday is pretty typically rest day for me and then Saturday morning I am going to run a 5k with Chris and then Sunday is another half marathon.

I really really love running on the weekends with my husband. It has become without a shadow of a doubt one of my favorite things ever. Something I look forward to all week. It is the motivation that gets me thru the monotony of the work week. Knowing that at weeks end I get to spend a weekend with my husband and go and have fun and do these running events. It really has become one of my favorite things in life and I feel blessed and fortunate to have the ability and desire to be able to do these things with my best friend. It just makes life better.

I have learned that while I always loved Chris, life didn’t become amazing amazing until we discovered this shared passion. Life is better when you have someone to share it with. The fact that I can discuss running with him and he just “gets it” is beyond words. I don’t have to tell him why I love running or try and explain the complex relationship between pain and pleasure. Those moments of pure bliss which are typically surrounded by agony and perseverance. My best thinking and most life affirming moments happen while I am knee deep into a half marathon. It just suddenly clears away all the bullshit and reminds me of exactly what is important in life.  At this point I just can’t imagine my life without running in it.

The gym is fine and nice and dandy but it pales in comparison to being outside enjoying the run. I still believe in strength training and whole heartedly believe it is needed to make you a strong well rounded person but there is no one who will ever be able to convince me that running is taboo or something I shouldn’t do. It’s ingrained in my heart and soul now.

This weekend will mark the 1 year anniversary of my first half marathon. This Sunday, while running my 22nd half of the year, it will be exactly 1 year ago that I ran my very first one. Look at all that I have accomplished in a year. I can’t even believe I have done all this in one year. This is the beauty of life. One year ago today I had no idea what was to come. I had no idea that running organized races would become the most significant thing in my life. That it would change my entire life honestly. This always gives me so much hope for the future because it reiterates the concept that every single day something seemingly small can alter the course of your life. Never give up on anything because every single moment can provide the opportunity to change it.

Almost 2 years ago I was 220 pounds. 1 year ago I was scared shitless freaked about running my first real race ever. And today I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Life can be amazing. Now if only my Molly would heal then I’d feel just a little better.

Monday, September 15, 2014

On pins and needles

Monday’s are never really that awesome. I mean, how can you possibly get jacked about having to return to work and the grind of doing things that you have to get paid to do, otherwise you wouldn’t do them? NOT fun.  I think I am also extra stressed because I am worried sick about my dog Molly. I told you on Friday that last week we were dealing with an eye injury that we thought was getting better. Thought. Because honestly we are not doctors. We do the best we can but some things are not in our control.  As soon as we noticed something we took her in to the doctor the next day. Got her meds. Have been giving her all her meds. She went to the vet Tuesday morning. It was either Wednesday or Thursday when we thought her eye looked funny. Like hazy, glossy. Like a marble or honestly what you might expect to see in the eye of a blind person.

Chris called the doctor and told them her eye was hazy/glazed over. The nurse went and talked to the vet who told us this was normal, and not to worry about it. We said, okay. Kept giving her her meds, etc. She started to open her eye up more the next day or two, but it definitely wasn’t “all there”. I figured it would go away in time. We took her in on Saturday afternoon for her follow up appointment and suddenly the doctor was alarmed. He told us that this was not normal and that he was very concerned about her eye. Basically though the doctor was an idiot. He didn’t really sound like he knew what he was doing. I should probably not call any doctor an idiot, but he really sounded clueless other than to alarm the shit out of us and talk about having to bring in a specialist and that she might have to lose her eye. Inside I was freaking the fuck out. Really pissed actually at the vet clinic because clearly I feel like they failed us. We did what we were supposed to do. Took her to the doctor, called when we thought it wasn’t right and now we are being told this shit?

I tried to remain calm but it’s hard. Chris has less of a tolerance for calm. He was so pissed afterward. We decided that the doctor didn’t sound all that convincing of anything. He sent us home with stronger antibiotics and told us we needed a follow up visit again on Tuesday. NOT impressed. We decided to call Chris’s dad and see if he could take her in today to his vet. He has a great vet in Hillsboro where he lives where he’s taken all his dogs for years. We just feel like a second opinion is in order. Of course all of this is costing money, a lot of money. We’ve already spent over $300 to basically be told that he isn’t sure and we are going to have to see a specialist. We now are going to have to pay for another visit today. It’s not about the money. I’m not thrilled about the money but I just want my baby to be better. I am SCARED. I really don’t want her to lose her eye. It’s horrific to me. I keep telling Chris that we are doing the best we can and that no matter the outcome she is my baby, my child, my love and no matter what, I am going to love her and take care of her. It’s not like that was ever in doubt, but it just breaks my heart. I keep praying for my baby and hoping for a miracle.

Obviously I’m a little uneasy and nervous and stressed about this situation. I am hoping the vet visit today produces some answers. Basically I just want to know what is wrong. I hate being told it could be this and then doing nothing but giving her an antibiotic which clearly doesn’t seem to be helping. Ugh. Sigh.

Saturday morning we ran a half marathon which was a nice run. It was actually a pretty fun race, and a pretty good course. Great after party, given it was at the big old Oktoberfest which is a big deal around these parts. I had a nice run. Nothing majorly eventful. Finished in my normal range. All was good. I don’t really push myself that much. I just go and run my normal pace and just go for it. Consequently afterwards I typically feel pretty good. I don’t feel hurt or injured or sore. Yes, I am a little tired, but that’s mostly from waking up at 5 AM typically.  Finished the race, hung out and had a good time. Went home, Chris took a nap, I played around on the internet and then we took Molly in.

After taking in Molly clearly it turned into a stressful evening unfortunately. We watched a movie on the couch and went to bed fairly early. Yesterday we woke up and I felt completely unmotivated to do much of anything. I did put on my workout clothes first thing so that I would be more likely to workout. Chris was home and I just didn’t want to go to the gym. Some days you just don’t want to, and I guess that is okay. My life has shifted into not working out at the gym on weekends. Instead enjoying my free time in the great out of doors. Of course as the weather shifts into fall this will probably have to shift again as well.

I did want to be active so about noon we decided we should go for a hike. We loaded up and headed for a little drive. It was actually quite lovely.  We ended up hiking which was pretty much uphill for about 90 minutes. In the end, thanks to all my sports watches and tracking, we went 4.25 miles and I burned 575 calories. Not too bad for a day post half marathon when I really didn’t feel like doing much. I will take it. Plus it was gorgeous and I really enjoyed being outside with my husband. Quite peaceful.

Last night we made an awesome dinner and pretty much went to bed early. Chris loaded up Molly this morning to take her to his dad’s house and now we wait for what this doctor says. Fingers crossed she doesn’t lose her eye. My poor sweet little girl. She really is the best dog I’ve ever had and I love her with all my heart. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

Busy week

Somewhere, somehow this week just totally got away from me. I guess sometimes that can be a good thing. Another week down and in the books and its Friday afternoon with a whole impending weekend upon me. This is always a good thing. Life was crazy this week. Work was extra busy. My bosses were around which is never a fun thing :)

My puppy Bella accidently scratched my older dog Molly’s eye on Monday night. We had to take her into the vet first thing Tuesday morning. It was so sad and awful, she couldn’t even open her eye and I spent a vast amount of time freaking out about her poor eye and worrying about her. She got medicine and we’ve been dutifully administering it in her eye. She is slowly getting better which makes me happy, finally. But it’s a sensitive situation and I was beyond panicked. This is the first time there has been something wrong with one of my babies ever. Turns out I was a worried wreck.  I had panic attacks of what if she goes blind or loses her eye? And the overwhelming thought that crossed my mind was no matter what happened, we’d put a patch on her and she’d be my perfect amazing one eyed dog. I love that girl so much and no matter what she is my baby.  It’s not really Bella’s fault and I’m still trying to give her lots of love and attention. But it is very hard to keep Bella away from Molly while she is recuperating and not feeling well and needing to have her eye left alone.  I am a constant referee.

On Tuesday I also took my passport application into the designated office and got that sent off. 4-6 weeks and I should have that. So another thing off my plate. It’s always nice to get things crossed off the list. Especially considering that I’ve already booked and paid for the airfare and the hotel to Puerto Vallarta I really need that passport. But I have done my part now and all should be good.

Wednesday night was in fact leg day in personal training and as I could have told you, I am hobbling around now with sore ass muscles. My ass and my hamstrings are on fire. This does not of course bode well for the half marathon I am running tomorrow morning at 7:30 AM. I will push thru anyway, but still. OUCH!

My deep cough/cold seems to have gotten better. There are still a few lingering traces of the cough but nothing like it was last week. I think maybe perhaps things have stabilized enough that my body is getting somewhat back on track.  I didn’t have a super stellar week in terms of my effort physically with exercise and/or eating, but I weighed myself yesterday nonetheless and was happy to see 148.3 on the scale, meaning I had lost 1.5 pounds. Nice and steady consistent me. I will take it. 3 weeks until San Jose. 3 weeks exactly from today I will be there. This puts me on a good pace/track to reach my 145 goal by San Jose. 3 weeks, 3.3 pounds. Honestly at this exact moment I already feel like a winner so whatever happens beyond this is just gravy. I’m much happier being 148.3 than the 159.5 that I saw 7 weeks ago.

I am actually pretty exhausted right now today. I realized that I have exercised for the last 6 days in a row so this is probably just my body telling me it’s time for a break. Of course I only get the 1 day break and my body probably is going to quite object tomorrow morning. Whatever happens, happens I suppose.

Last night I went pretty easy at the gym honestly. The beauty of my entire family now living in the same city is impromptu last night we all ended up at a sushi place for dinner right next door to my gym. We were meeting there at 6:30. So I got to the gym about 5:15, put in a solid hour and then headed over for sushi with the family. It really is nice to see everyone randomly on a Thursday night.  And then today my brother in law texted me asking me about Victoria Secret sports bras for my youngest sister. He said she has been having a shit week and he wanted to get her a surprise and knew she wanted one, and was wondering if I knew her size and of course if I had any coupons. I ALWAYS have coupons so at lunch time I met him at the mall today and gave him the coupon and helped him pick out one for my sister. This is the perk of everyone living here. So awesome!

Tonight we are all going to Red Lobster for Endless Shrimp. Of course, I printed out the nutritional information so that I can be a good girl and not be extra tempted by the less than healthy shrimp options. It’s always good to think ahead. Doesn’t always mean I am going to stick to it, but at least it’s a good thought.

I really feel like closing my eyes and napping away this final 2 hours of work, of course I am pretty sure that would be impossible for me to actually do but a girl can dream a little bit. Despite being incredibly busy this week in all aspects of my life I am generally pretty happy. I feel pretty good and confident with how things are going, and I’m starting to get excited because like I said, 3 weeks until I get a mini vacation. And then it’s like 6 weeks later and I’m off to Vegas, also very excited about that one too. Then it will be December and Christmas time and then I just have to get thru January and then on February 3 I get to go to Puerto Vallarta so life is pretty good for me honestly. And if I just keep going along this path I’ve been living these last 7 weeks I have no reason to believe that I won’t be in a great place physically and mentally by the time I hit the beaches of Mexico.

2014: the best year of my life ever. Here’s to hoping 2015 is every bit as awesome and epic, and I honestly have no reason to believe it won’t be!  Have a fabulous healthy fun weekend everyone. I know I intend to!