Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday Satisfaction

Well hello there Friday afternoon, you are quite possibly one of my most favorite times of any week because you are chalked full of anticipation and certainly the largest stretch of freedom that comes during a week.  I love you Friday afternoon. Of course most weeks I do wish the last few hours of the day would go by just a little quicker instead of dragging out quite the way they do. Alas, it is still fine. I have made the executive decision that tonight I will be going to the gym again. This makes day 5 in a row. This is simply because I took off the entire last weekend while camping and most likely will take off tomorrow as Sunday morning I am running a half marathon. This means there is no harm in going tonight to ink out one more strength training session.

Last night I really killed it again on my own. There is a sense of empowerment that comes from kicking your own ass. This has been missing for me for a very long time. There is something quite satisfying about getting in a hard workout and knowing you are capable of pushing yourself. Of course like I said yesterday, I really do have to map it all out beforehand or else I wander around the gym like a lost puppy. Turns out this is probably a fairly common problem. I see lots of people at the gym with little pieces of paper following a plan so I think it’s all good. I mapped out a plan last night which was really my bare minimum and then once I got to the gym I started with that but it just wasn’t enough for me so I kept going and that is when I added a bunch of work.

My simply rule of thumb is to do any one exercise in at least sets of 3, but I try to do 4 sets of every exercise. I do at least 10-15 reps of the exercise depending on the exercise itself and the weight factor. I ususally try to alternate between two or three exercises that target the same muscle group. For instance I started last night with bicep curls with a 40 pound weight. I did 15 of them. Then I did 15 hammer curls with 15 pound weights. I alternated between these two exercises for 4 sets. Meaning I did 60 total of each of the exercises. My biceps could not handle more at that moment. Fried. Then I moved onto 3 different tricep exercises. Then I knew I wanted to do back, but I didn’t have much “planned” out, but boy I worked my back anyway.  The thing is, the back is my go to exercise area. I love back exercises for some reason. They are just my favorite. I easily did 6 different exercises targeting the back. I love a strong back, or rather maybe I have a strong back and therefore I love the exercises. Who knows? I really worked hard for an hour and 45 minutes and I felt great about things.

Tonight I am going to hit the gym for one last session just because. I think mom is going to come maybe and then I get to kick her ass a little too. Not much on my upper body is that sore so I can pretty much do anything. I do not want to do any legs as they are still a little tender and of course that pesky half marathon on Sunday so we do not want to tire them out.  Honestly I think I am going to end up doing a mesh of upper body again. It works for me.

I did really well with my food yesterday. I was perfectly on target and doing great and then at like 10:30, right before bed I got really hungry and ate peanuts. Now I will tell you I actually measured them out by the grams to get a serving, which is 160 calories and not that many shelled peanuts but whatever. In the grand scheme of things I do think eating real peanuts is healthier than eating crap food so it’s still a win for me. With those 160 extra calories I think that put me much closer to the 1500 calorie mark, but that’s all right. I probably honestly need 1500 calories with all the strength training I’ve been knocking out this week.

Right now I am sitting at about 600 calories for the day with an afternoon snack still planned that will add another 180 before hitting the gym, so 780 calories. This is about where I finish my work day at calorie wise. I head to the gym and when I come home I am ususally starving and immediately have to eat a snack to stabilize my body. Then I can think about dinner. I am pretty sure chicken and avocado are on the agenda for dinner tonight. It’s been a few days since I’ve had that and am craving it again. Avocado, much like the peanut is on that good for you even if it’s high in calories and fat category. I refuse to feel too much guilt over eating such items.

Overall I am feeling really good today. I guess that is the combination of the Friday thing and the eating healthy and feeling in control of my workouts and food choices once again. At least I am ending July way better than I started it. It’s even an afternoon and I am getting excited to go to the gym and get in a great workout. Usually at this point I am just tired and exhausted. Not today, today I feel excellent! I have a bit of a gym high and I like it.  I actually feel really laser sharp focused on my 10 in 10 goal. It is something that has been missing for a long time. Apparently I need a certain amount of goals or else I tend to get distracted too easily. Either way, I am pretty happy and I will take it.

Just a few short more hours here and then it’s off to the gym and then a whole weekend with my husband. Sometimes life is good.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Finally excited

Good morning internet world. Well, in all fairness it’s almost lunch time for me but whatever. I am feeling much better today. Like my motivation is feeling high and my resolve is firm. I think it has more to do with this is day 4 of healthier eating. I am not going to say clean eating because by no means is my eating “clean” but it is more controlled and healthier than it has been in a while. Its funny how simply eliminating some of the excess makes me feel much better on the inside. I am positive that I look no different and it makes no difference on my physical being but my body chemistry is feeling happier.

Let’s be honest, I’ve said it before, I am prone to mental issues given my family history and what I clearly have learned about myself in 35 years. I am not a totally balanced mental health kind of girl. What is insane is how much a difference the food and chemicals I put into my body make. I am also so surprised by how much better I just feel eating better. Not as sluggish or depressed. And the only thing I am doing is eating a little better, taking control of some things. CRAZY!

I am trying to not be overly crazy obsessive girl and simply just keep my calorie range between that magical 1200-1500 calories a day. I could do weight watchers for sure, but even that has a lifespan. I am trying this natural eat when I’m hungry; keep it in this respectable range thing. I have found though that when my calories come in at like 1400 which I think is acceptable for me, it would be WAY over my points range for the day. Perhaps it’s the items I am eating, but I honestly don’t know how I’d survive on less. Maybe this will change over time but I’m not going to beat myself up over eating 1400 calories in a day, especially on a day where I put forth some strong physical effort at the gym.

I just think it’s interesting the choices we make in food matter so much. I tend to stick towards a protein heavy diet given that I like to build muscle and strength train, of course this leads to higher point values if I were doing weight watchers. To be fair the types of food I am eating, if I were to use my allotted 26 points a day, would only end up being around 900-1000 calories. I just don’t think that would be enough for me. This is basically why I am trying out this whole 1200-1500 calorie a day thing and seeing how far it will take me. I may have to adjust some of my thinking at some point, but for now let’s just go with this.

I feel good. I mean, I feel like now that I have decided and officially committed to the whole 10 in 10 weight loss goal that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, that I actually believe for the first time in a long time that I am going to lose these 10 pounds (maybe hopefully more) but for now I am just going to go with the 10 pound goal. Also I have a friend online who is joining me in the challenge and having someone to email about is a nice fun exciting thing to. Never hurts to have extra encouragement and support.

Last night was personal training and we did shoulders. Basically ½ an hour of intensive shoulder training. We threw in a few chest presses, but mostly it was focused on shoulders. Let me tell you half an hour of exercises focusing on one particular muscle group is a lot. My muscles literally end up giving out at the end of the session. I suppose this is a good thing. Today my arms are not that sore, but that might not come until tomorrow.  My legs are incredibly sore today which is a direct result of the workout and effort I entirely put forth by myself on Tuesday night. I am proud of kicking my own ass because like I was telling someone earlier today, when I get into the gym on my own I tend to end up a bit lost. Despite hours and hours of classes and training sessions and workouts with Amanda, I still end up walking around like a lost puppy on my own in the gym.  It’s crazy.  I have truly found the only remedy to that for me is to make a list of exercises before I go to the gym. This gives me something to accomplish and focuses me.

Tonight I am on my own again and as to not waste my time there, I will once again make myself a list of activities that will make me work. It’s fine to alter or add exercises once I’m in the gym, which I more than often do, but this is the bare minimum that I must accomplish. I am starting to feel some of my mojo come back and that makes me VERY happy.  Happiness, much like defeat and sadness, is a vicious cycle. It all feeds off of each other. When you are stuck in a loop it’s hard to veer off the path. Either path. The last month my path has been less than stellar but I am correcting that!

My fighting spirit is returning. I kind of missed her. That girl who works hard to get what she wants. I’m ready for this, FINALLY, after months, I am ready to take charge and kick ass. Of course I always have more energy and motivation in the mornings and by mid-day I hit my slump and don’t want to do anything :)  That’s pretty typical though.

Today I am proud of myself. I realized that I have been in some sort of slump lately and I have fought hard to get out of it. That no matter what I’ve been thru these past 2 years I have not given up. I am proud that today I am sitting here still going to the gym, believing in myself and my dreams. I am proud of everything that I have accomplished and learned about myself. I am proud of venturing outside of my comfort zone and running organized races despite not feeling 100% good about myself. Hello half marathon number 16 this weekend. CRAZY proud of that.

I have this feeling in my heart that my October trip to San Jose is going to be really awesome. I mean, I believe in myself that much. Plus they released the finisher’s medal design today and it’s too adorable and I can’t wait to own it. That’s already extra motivation on top of the epic-ness that is the San Jose event weekend. On my two year anniversary I will be running a ½ marathon.  That is just DAMNED cool. If that isn’t proof positive that change is possible nothing is.

In a nutshell, I am excited and ready to see where these next 10 weeks are going to take me culminating with an epic epic 2 year weight loss anniversary on October 5 when I run a half marathon thru the streets of San Jose. I am going to kill this!

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Honestly coming clean

I have decided to start my 10 week, 10 pound challenge a day early. In all honesty it’s kind of been going since Monday but instead of officially weighing in tomorrow morning, on Thursday, which is going to be my weigh in day I just did it this morning. All this really means is that I get one extra day this week to see results. I won’t weigh myself again until next Thursday July 31. This gives me 8 days to see results. Yeah!

So do you want brutal honesty? I hate having to admit things that scare me. You’d think after all this time I wouldn’t be scared of a number and somehow I always end up freaked out. Today I weighed 157.5.  That is a scary number to me. It’s not unexpected or the worst number I’ve seen even recently. Honestly I have been hovering between 155-160 pounds for months now. I am not sure why right now it just seems to freak the shit out of me. I think I am just tired of seeing that number because it is a long way off from 140 pounds. Although 140 pounds is probably not that realistic or maintainable for me clearly. I’d be very happy at 145 pounds. Thus the whole 10 weeks, 10 pounds thing. Somewhere around 145 would be perfect. Especially with the crazy muscle base that I know I do have.

But alas, I have admitted it out loud. Today is July 23 and I weigh 157.5 pounds and I HATE this fact. I know I should not complain because in the bigger, greater picture of things 157.5 is a far cry from 215 pounds. And I am 10 weeks away from 2 years which is a pretty dang big deal for me. It is 10 weeks away from being 2 years since I weighed 215 pounds. That has never happened to me, proving that I am clearly a ridiculous yo-yo dieter. Alas, I should be able to take of 10 pounds no problem and live more comfortably and happily at 147 pounds. I’d be much happier if that second number was a 4.  Alas, I should quit my bitching and indulging in the pity party I’ve been stuck in for the past 2 months or so.

I’ve spent far more effort trying to convince myself that being 155 pounds is acceptable because honestly it’s easier and more fun to eat crap then really focusing on the issue that I need to rein it in and lose some weight. DENIAL is such a strong force.  Alas, being 157.5 pounds today and deciding to lose weight is a far cry from starting at 215 pounds so at least I’ve got that going for me.

Its funny how I just wake up one day and without warning I realize I’ve gained weight. Like somehow I did not know it when it was happening. Our minds do a pretty good job of shielding us from the things we don’t want to see.  But my eyes are wide open now and I truly think it’s time to make this happen for me. For my health, for my happiness, for my self-esteem. It honestly has far less to do with a number on a scale and far more to do with how I feel about myself. Strong, powerful, and most importantly in control. I think these are things that have slowly slid out of my hands in the past couple months. It’s time to regain the power.

Last night I actually kicked my own ass for once, and it felt great. No classes, no personal training, just me and the gym and I went hard on a leg day. I am very proud of what I accomplished. That was a great step and feeling of self-empowerment knowing I could actually give myself a hard workout all on my own. I have eaten great since Monday and thus far today I am perfectly on track. Tonight is personal training which will no doubt be brutal followed by an hour of Iron Power strength training, so the exercise is happening full force tonight? That is the good news. Perfectly on track and that is exactly how I like it.

I went to the grocery store at lunch today and picked up a few items, which is always good. Had a premade salad for lunch today. Greens of course, cranberries, walnuts and cheese with a pomegranate dressing. This was a premade bowl I bought from Safeway. 210 calories of deliciousness and most important health. This wasn’t crap food; it was good healthy stuff which does matter. Quality does count when it comes to what fuel you put in your body. Fortunately at the top of my favorite foods are nuts and berries so that’s at least something. Of course it’s far too easy to over indulge in them which also sucks, but hey, at least they are good for you.

So yeah, 10 weeks starts now. I can do this. I can come here and right out my accountability and stick to good choices and get that second number back to the 4 that I want.  Fresh start. Only this fresh start comes with a MUCH stronger, fitter, healthier me. I may be “starting” today, but I am far from new to this. I mean, I have another half marathon on Sunday morning, my 16th for the year so this girl isn’t exactly a slacker.

10 weeks- 10 pounds. Let’s go!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Caloric Zone

Holy crappy-tastic day. It is the afternoon and I literally am sitting at my desk for almost the first time today. Things seem to be very crazy lately at work, like constantly busy and/or a fire to put out. I suppose some days are just like that. In some ways it is good because it doesn’t leave much time for obsessing over non-essential stuff. I still have a shit ton of stuff that has to get done this afternoon but I literally needed a break, as I have seriously been going non-stop since like 8 this morning. Love it when my day starts at home with answering emails before I am even supposed to be at work. I just need a few moments to calm myself for a moment, catch my breath and then I can return to work.

Last night I killed at the gym or is that the gym killed me? Either way, I got a great workout it and I was satisfied with the effort. I also did manage to end the day in my 1200-1500 calorie goal. It’s hard because I don’t 100% track or know the exact amounts of some fruits etc. That crap is hard, but I can slightly guesstimate.  I can track officially 1150 calories of food consumed and then on top of that I had about ¾ of an avocado, so that is going to add probably at least 200 calories or more and then I had a pint of raspberries, so that is like 150 calories.  So that would be like 1500 calories total. But I’m hard pressed to be upset about the raspberries or even the avocado. I so enjoy the avocado that I think it am incredibly worth the calories. It has lots of good shit for you, right?  Dang, see what happens when I don’t actually track, turns out I’m definitely closer to my 1500 calorie limit than I thought. I’d say I will do better today, but I honestly don’t know. I shall always try to hit that magical 1,200 to 1,500 calorie range but until I’m totally ready to actually measure/weigh and record foods I am sure I won’t see real progress.

Which brings me to this Thursday. I think I am going to weigh myself and do my stats on Thursday, and then that will be officially 10 weeks until my October goal of my 2 year anniversary of weight shit and of course getting on a plane to go to San Jose to run another Rock N Roll race. So I’ve got a couple days until 10 weeks. I think it should be possible for me to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks. That is a totally manageable goal; of course I do have to try.

I can be such an in denial bitch sometimes. It’s like when things are going great in my world I am all for talking/thinking/reading about health and nutrition, but the moment when I just don’t feel it seeing anything health related drives me insane. Case in point, those awkward posts by people who go to the gym with me where they are constantly talking about being on the stair climber or building muscle or what food they are eating. So annoying. See, told you I am such a petty bitch sometimes. I think I have learned how annoying those are so clearly I try very hard to limit my posting of such things. I truly do not mind an update every now and then or a progress picture or a selfie, but seriously like every other day you have to show me your flexed arm or the healthy food choice you just made. Now if you have a blog and want to write to your hearts content about such things that is perfectly fine, but on Facebook, really? Sometimes it’s clearly too much.

I can accept and understand that Facebook or any social media for that matter is mostly a lie. It is clearly the best possible versions of our lives. For the most part people only post the cool/happy moments. There is a certain breed of person who chooses to post all of their lives drama on Facebook and consequently all the dirty crappy parts as well, but as a general rule people try to keep it to the envious things. I know it’s the highlight real for sure. I am guilty of that just as much as anyone else. But as a general rule do I need to see you flex your muscles 4 days a week? Probably not. Guess that’s what I get for being friends with so many gym people on Facebook.

Speaking of the gym, I am clearly set to go once again tonight, although there aren’t any classes I’m taking so I will have to come up with my own game plan. These nights are hard. Not really sure what I’m in the mood for, but I should probably figure something out.  I think it’s safe to say I have lost a lot of my spark as of late. You know that thing that was constantly making me feel happy and great. It has been missing which just totally sucks.

I am sure I will find it again, just as I’m sure life ebbs and flows, some time I will wake up and feel amazing and happy and ready to tackle the world again. Nothing stays the same for too long. Good and bad.

Monday, July 21, 2014

It's a Monday

My camping weekend adventure was good, but I have to say I am VERY glad to be home and back to a normal routine. Of course this morning there was literally zero part of me that wanted to get up and go to work. It’s like that dread for no reason feeling when you miss a day of work and you have no idea if you are going to be walking into a big mess as a consequence. I was pretty much dreading it but it turned out okay. So far so good.

Last Thursday night I did end up doing a personal training session with the other girl. We fried out the chest and a few upper body areas and consequently all weekend, as requested, I was walking around sore. It was oddly rewarding to actually feel stiff and sore. Of course that didn’t mean that I was any more likely to want to exercise over the weekend. I did not do any deliberate exercise from Friday to Sunday. I say deliberate because we were outside in the sun and did lots of walking and even managed a nice hike one day. This is all what I consider normal wear and tear on the body. I love the outdoors and enjoying nature etc., but at the end of the day I really do want to go home to my nice clean dirt free house and shower and go to bed in a comfy clean bed. Camping is not entirely my thing. I had a great time and my extended family is pretty damned awesome overall. I lucked out on the family front. I have always known that. I adore so many of my cousins and genuinely adore spending time with them. That part was great. Feeling disgusting 24/7 for 3 days straight, not so much fun. But the memories far outweigh the negative and I will treasure those experiences for a lifetime.  Ah, Cards Against Humanity, late night by lantern with your cousins. Priceless. Did I mention alcohol? Yup, everything is more fun with alcohol.

But I am glad to be back at it today. Back to my normal routine where I can control my food/exercise a little better. Overall, I did not do awful with food intake. I didn’t do great either, but not awful. I’d say I made some smart decisions and a few stupid ones but overall I’m pleased with things. It’s a balance. I am ready to go back to the gym tonight though and hit it hard. I have 1.5 hours of classes I am intending on doing tonight. Half an hour of butts and guts and then an hour of Iron Power. It’s a nice, thinkless workout because I just do what they tell me to and I don’t have to try and come up with my own routine. Monday nights are good like that, especially since my brain isn’t fully recuperated from the weekend and probably would not want to work out on its own otherwise.

I was pretty busy this morning at work, given I took Friday off and all, and am now finally starting to feel caught up, thus a few minutes of time to be able to steal away and write this. So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about effort and desire and goals. This month has been pretty rough on me in terms of my mental desire and I have been starting to question what is up. I think a lot of it is self-imposed pressure, but also basically I am stuck at a stagnate stand still. I am just not putting out the effort I once was and pop in and out of brilliant moments of gusto where I think I am going to do this and then moments of who the hell cares. Overall I am just barely doing enough to maintain and eventually the stagnate movement or rather lack of any sort of movement makes you feel unaccomplished or dissatisfied.  Of course I think this is called maintaining and one should not mistake maintenance for dissatisfaction. One should always find satisfaction in simply being able to maintain especially if you are honestly not putting out any sincere effort. But therein lies the problem, I really should be making more of an effort. But I like food. I have said it before; I truly am a food addict. Any extremely over weight person I believe is partly addicted to food. Addicted to the comfort of it all. Addicted to some aspect of it or else we wouldn’t use it and abuse it the way we do. It’s easy for food to become the go-to for all things. It is such a dangerously overused form of self-soothing. For good or bad. I use it out of happiness just as much as I do depression.

But…. I’ve just got to keep trying which is all I really can do. Nothing worth having has ever come easy. And I more than anyone know that this whole weight loss/weight maintenance thing is a FOREVER HARD crazy DIFFICULT battle. It requires making a choice every single day over and over again to stay on the right path. Some days I fail miserably at it, but I don’t ever really fail until I quit trying. I’ve got like a little over 10 weeks until October when I go to San Jose and I really should focus on making those 10 weeks the best they can be. Let’s face it; the time is going to go by anyway, so I may as well work on kicking some ass in that time frame. That’s enough time to really commit myself and make some noticeable changes. In the end, I am tired of the scale being stagnate at a number I’m not really thrilled about. Yes, it’s great that I am maintaining but it’s not at a number I’m particularly happy at. And therefore only I can really make this change.

I sound like such a pitiful broken record. But the record plays on, as so long as it plays I have not lost. There is still a little bit of juice running thru the record player.  So for today, I commit to my 1.5 hours of class and I commit to eating no more than 1,500 calories. I am not sure this will result in weight loss, but somewhere between 1,200 and 1,500 calories is my goal. This is a sustainable amount of nutrition for me. I will not go over the 1,500 calorie mark. That’s as much as I can commit to today.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Intensity Reboot

Today is my Friday. I love it when Friday’s are really Thursday’s, I mean, who doesn’t? As predicted I had a killer workout last night and I actually felt pretty good thru the brutality of it all. It was what Amanda called a light leg day. I think this meant that the goal was not to lift heavy heavy, but instead to do lots of reps with cardio thrown in between the exercises. This was actually brutal as I was dripping sweat in the most obnoxious way, but somehow it was pretty body cleansing as well. This is what my half hour looked like:

20 body weight squats getting pretty low touching my ass onto a ball on the ground
10 burpies
15 30-lb kettle ball squats: basically holding the weight close to my chest and squatting deep
10 burpies
18 deep lunges across the gym while holding a 25 pound plate straight up into the air above my head

This was one set of the exercises. Those burpies in between were fairly substantially brutal. This of course was done quickly and then of course we did 3 sets of all of this.
THEN, we went over the barbell rack and I put an 80 pound barbell on my back and did 20 squats. Then we did 10 lunges on each leg. Did this 3 times. Then back to that first circuit above for one more round and then to kill time we finished out with 30 of those barbell squats with 80 pounds.

If I am calculating correctly that means I did a total of 230 squats, 132 lunges and of course 80 burpies. All of that in a half hour period of time. I was literally dripping sweat. I looked down on the ground no matter where we moved and there were piles of my own water on the ground. It’s been a long time since I produced that much in one sitting. This was my light leg day. Seriously.

After this 30 minute torture session I proceeded to take Iron Power class with Amanda. This is all strength training with barbells and dumbbells. Each song is a different muscle group. We did 2 more leg tracks during this class and by the last half of the second song; I actually did not think I was going to make it thru any longer. My quads were on fire. Mostly this workout produced BURNING sensations in my quads like you wouldn’t believe. However, today my ass is what is mostly sore. Funny how that works.  I was so exhausted after my hour and a half last night that I was just ready to get home and do nothing. Of course, that did not happen. As soon as I got home Chris and I went to the grocery store to do some shopping for our camping trip tomorrow. About 10 PM as I was sitting on the couch watching TV after a delicious chicken burger with avocado dinner my eyes would not stay open. They kept slamming shut, thus I knew it was time for bed. That workout really did a number on me in a good way.

I can tell my energy and enthusiasm has really picked up this week as compared to the past couple weeks. I am actually hitting it pretty hard and it feels pretty good. I think this is generally helping with my overall mood. I can honestly say that I hated every second of my personal training session while doing it, but afterwards I felt great and was thankful for it. Those burpies are tough. The first couple feel all right and then they breach into yucky territory. I should point out I made the cardinal error of asking Amanda before I did the first one if she wanted the full burpie with the push-up too, and she said, well since you asked you know what the answer is going to be, yes.  So each one of those burpies was full on hop down, push up, jump up style burpies, so extra brutal. I guess that means that I actually did like 80 pushups as well.

I promise you on my own I would never do this crap, which is probably why having a personal trainer is such a good thing from time to time. Most people are seriously not going to do 80 burpies on their own, yet alone all those freaking squats and lunges. Tonight I am back at the gym and really have a secret desire to make something on my upper half sore. I want to walk away with some upper body part feeling it, but I’m not sure what. Either biceps or triceps or chest most likely. I just want to get some body part worked enough that its sore. It’s a good reminder for over the weekend while camping to try and stay focused on my bigger goals.

So I just talked to Amanda and I’m going to jump in on another girls training session tonight at 5 PM. This is a girl I know and am friendly with and she said it was okay, so that I can get in some extra workout. I told Amanda I wanted to make my upper half sore in some way and she said its chest day for this other girl Erica at 5 PM, so I’m going to tag along and do it. Yeah. Extra training and I for some sick reason want to get sore. So it seems tonight at 5 I get some extra training. I can tell I must be feeling better if I’m asking for more torture and looking forward to it and getting excited about it. That’s just the kind of sick girl I know I am and I miss her when she goes away. It might be wrong that I am excited for this extra self-imposed torture session. But slowly I’m feeling my desire and motivation return. With desire and motivation comes will power. And that is what I’ve seriously been lacking for months. I think I am starting to see shades of it grow inside of me.

I generally feel better today than I have in a while so that is a good thing. Just got to get thru the afternoon here at work and then my workout tonight and then I’m ready to just relax and enjoy the company of my family for the next couple days. Good, memory making experiences. That is what life is truly all about.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Mind reset

I am feeling a little bit better day by day. Perhaps this has something to do with the small amount of control I seem to be exercising over my eating. Mind you, nothing is perfect, but I haven’t binged all week and that for me is a victory. It’s amazing for me how much that plays a role into my mental well-being. It’s hard to be nice to yourself when you are constantly beating yourself up.  Also there is a small little shift on my insides where I feel a little bit better as a whole and I think that is giving me of a desire to live my life. Absolutely no one promised you a life without ups and downs.  Mine has plenty.

Although I was blaming the image I saw in the mirror or hating on myself, the reality is that it all stems from the brain. When I can get some of the brain under control I am not as hateful when I look in the mirror. I am certainly not happy, but that is because I do indeed constantly put too much pressure on myself to be something more than I am. I really should just be happy with everything I’ve accomplished in my life and accept that rough patches will come and go.

I can tell you this, when I eat better, I feel better and when I feel better I have more motivation and with more motivation, is a stronger sense of being. It’s a whole reciprocal cycle. I promise you I feel better today, this Wednesday than I did last Wednesday, so that is a bonus. Last Wednesday I wanted to quit life and honestly for the first time ever considered cancelling my personal training session and going home to eat. Today I feel much more energized and ready to tackle a tough workout. In fact, there is a slight little part of me that is excited and looking forward to it. This is the girl I know and love, this is the girl I love being. The one full of drive and enthusiasm for life and goals. And mostly, the belief that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I like being the girl who can go, you know what, so I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror, okay, but I can change that. I like actually believing with all of my conviction that I can change that. Set my mind to something and follow thru. That girl has been missing for quite some time. This last week I’ve seen the ever so slightest glimpses of her. I may not be satisfied yet, but if I keep working hard, I can be. That is the girl I know lives inside of me.  I sort of have this date in my head that I want to keep. It’s October 5.  October 5 is a big deal for me for a couple reasons.

October 5 will be my first ever two year anniversary of losing weight and keeping with it. I have never EVER had a 2 year anniversary. This unto itself is progress. I would kind of like to be at a better place mentally and physical for that one. And also, because October 5 I will also happen to be in San Jose to run the Rock N roll marathon. I’d like to get on the plane feeling a little more confident in my own skin. It would truly be nice to celebrate my 2 year anniversary being closer to my ideal goal weight. I’d feel better about it things. And honestly, I have enough time to make that a reality. I’m not so far gone that its nothing that a good 10-15 pounds wouldn’t take care of.  I know I’ve said this a lot lately, that I just need to lose 10-15 pounds, but clearly I haven’t been able to actually make it happen.  I actually think having that October 5 date in the back of my mind is probably a good push for me, that I probably need. I work better with deadlines and firm goals/targets. Always have.

I would just like to point out that I am human. I am not any super woman who doesn’t struggle or go up and down. This is the unpleasant reality of weight loss and maintenance and living a life. People gain 15 pounds, in theory, people work to lose the 15 pounds. People have shitty crappy days, weeks, months, people pull it back together. I am STILL HERE.  It’s getting close to 2 years, and I am still here writing on this blog and that is the biggest accomplishment I can think of for me. I am still trying and keeping on with this lifestyle. And oh yeah, this year I’ve ran 15 half marathons so far. Already. I tend to overlook the crazy that this statement entails.  You can say all you want about gaining and losing weight or straying or lack of motivation or whatever the hell else you want, but I’m still standing and I just ran my 15th freaking half marathon of the year.

This weekend is all about rest and relaxation. I am actually going camping on Friday. It’s my extended families annual camping trip. My mom has 7 brothers and sisters and they each have a bunch of kids, so I have a ton of first cousins, well we all get together and do a camping trip every year. It should be just a relaxing kick back, enjoy being outside kind of 3 days. I am taking my bike and going to attempt to do some bike riding. It should be good. Lots of fun.  So long as I can avoid major binges, which I am not going to lie, is going to be VERY hard. Love my family, but healthy eating has never been their strong suit. It is always a battle with them. ALWAYS. I mean it’s not their fault I have very little willpower, that is entirely my doing, but it’s still hard having so many horrific options right in front of me. I am going to try, that is all I can hope for. Do my best, and try.

Like I mentioned earlier, tonight is personal training and then Iron Power strength training. I’m kind of excited for it honestly. I have a strong suspicion tonight is going to be leg day which terrifies me.  But I will manage. I somehow always do.

Oh, and I wanted to share this photo with you that someone else posted from this Sunday’s run, because do you see this hill? Yeah, just one of many that we were running against. I will probably keep posting them if I keep finding them, because I cannot even tell you how crazy hilly this race was and I keep searching for the photographic evidence to confirm it.