Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Days of our Lives

And so are the days of our lives.

Continuing where we last left off yesterday.

I feel like I am writing the soap opera version of my life except it’s not really a soap opera, but in recounting my life, its constantly last time we checked in… HA HA. Nothing like a thorough and complete accounting of one’s life written out online in sheer and utter excess.

Yesterday I proved to be excessively hungry as I pretty much could have guessed.  Running in the morning always does that to me, but I was bound and determined to stay on my game.  I made this lovely little collage in the afternoon.

And then I went ahead and changed into my workout clothes and did this one.

Then I decided it was time for a little Transformation Tuesday action on Instagram and made this collage.

And then I headed to the gym.  I was really unbelievably game yesterday for working out.  Except I didn’t really want to lift anything.  I know, weird right.  Well basically my upper body was tired and sore from Monday night.  I didn’t really need to run anymore. Not really.  I was not sure what I wanted to do honestly, so I ended up with this. 

I got to the gym and did a 1 mile warm my body up run.  Then I headed to ABS/Core class which actually was a little more challenging last night than previous weeks.  This is the least effective class of the week because it’s just mostly core work while good for the abs, not great for calorie burn and all.  After class I knew I needed more but wasn’t sure.  Amanda was like let’s do 10 minutes of sprints on the treadmill. I was like sure.  I had no other plan.  It was set the treadmill at an incline and fast speed and then 20 second sprint/10 second rest for a total of 10 minutes.  Let me tell you, 10 seconds is NOT enough for your heart rate to recover.  It was brutal. But effective.  10 minutes was enough.  Then because I wasn’t ready to be done, I decided to do a 500 rep workout that was on the board in the group exercise room. Why not.  This is what happens when I don’t have a clear plan, I find one written on a board and just do it.

This whole 500 rep thing actually kind of proved to be a lie.  Because honestly it was more.  It went like this.

50 kettlebell squats
50 jumping jacks
50 walking lunges with a plate overhead
50 Ball slams
50 high knees (which turns out was 100 because it was 50 each leg she said)
50 mountain climbers (again REALLY 100, both legs)
50 Russian twists (actually 100 because that meant each side!)
50 bosu ball crunches
50 Battle rope slams (another 100 really)
50 Jump ropes

10 exercies- 50 reps each or more equals 500 reps.  I did this relatively quickly and then decided I wasn’t quite done mostly because I was a little shy of the 500 calorie mark burned total and was like eh, let’s just do more.  So I redid these exercises but only 20 of each.  (40 on those double ones)

After that I was done.  This put me at a total of like 521 calories burned I think, for workout 2. Combined with my AM run, put me at 1,122 calories for the whole day.  A lot and enough.

I honestly don’t know what got in me yesterday other than I was really motivated for some reason.  Just kept at it, you know.  Sometimes I am just like that. It was a good day.  Came home, cleaned up, did my thing, then Chris came home and we had omelet’s for dinner and then I had some popcorn because that seems to be a good go-to snack for me these days.

This morning I woke up feeling fine.  Nothing too major going on. Exercise is a beautiful thing. It makes me happy when skies are gray. Ha. 

But here’s the thing.  My grandma’s funeral is tomorrow evening which means I can’t go to the gym.  Not a crazy big deal, except that I kind of want to take Friday off from the gym because I have a half on Saturday morning and I really don’t think it’s the best thing for me to work out Friday night.  Plus no classes, not really sure what I’d do.  Overall just not needed.  But I don’t want to take BOTH Thursday and Friday off. Yes, insane girl problems here.  So I kind of have come to the conclusion that alas I have to wake up early tomorrow morning and run before work again.  I know, 2 times in a week; insanity.  But drastic times call for drastic measures.  I don’t even really need to run, but this time I will just be running to burn calories and for exercise because it’s the only time I can fit it in.  So that is probably going down tomorrow AM.  A girl has just got to do what a girl has got to do.  Plus that means if I run tomorrow that it will be 48 hours on the clock in between that workout and my half and I actually think this is a good thing.  I think this will give my body a nice needed rest.  I don’t have a problem with that at all.  But I can’t do nothing tomorrow, that isn’t going to fly for me.

Which leads me to the reality that tomorrow is weigh in day and folks it isn’t going to be pretty. I caved and sneak peeked this morning and it wasn’t good. It was that dang weekend. Not sure I can really salvage it all in 3 days’ time (Monday-Wednesday) but either way I am not going to really freak out either.  Hopefully by tomorrow AM things just level out. I don’t expect a loss at all but close to a maintain would be lovely.  Either way, not the end of the world at all.  I’m at a great place and I feel good and that is mostly what matters.  I feel like I look the best I ever have. I feel very strong and confident and that far outweighs a silly number. 

Did I mention how hot my half is supposed to be. It doesn’t start until 8 AM and it’s supposed to get up into the 100’s on Saturday. Going to be pretty awful really. I am going to go SLOW SLOW SLOW as a result but I’m going to do it and that is the more important thing.

Tonight at the gym is a 3 mile run (although technically I don’t have to since I will be running in the morning.) We will see about that. And then it’s a 45 minute strength training class.  I like this class.  Good times. I am terribly starving right now so I need to go eat something.  Have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The one where I felt better

All right so from where we last left off in this continuing online diary/saga of Emily’s life.  Well, I don’t like the word saga actually because that implies that things are dramatic and mostly they aren’t.  Mostly I try to keep my world perfectly in balance and drama free. We all as a whole function better this way.  Especially me with my crazy brain.  I tend to do better when I can push out all the negativity and just focus on the positive which is what I try and do most of the time anyway.

With all that said I was still feeling very off yesterday,  kind of lost in the drama so to speak of the whole family crap.  Of course, this isn’t really fair considering I didn’t talk to anyone yesterday at all and I am sure on some level I am completely overreacting.  I know I am honestly.  It’s not the end of the world by any means and yet I let it fester and affect me.  It’s just that sometimes I have these moments where these people who I love and love me just don’t “get” me or understand or even care.  And mostly they mind their own business and leave me alone but when it affects their lives it’s all like, oh, you should do this and you should do that. You know and it’s like, whoa, sorry I am not what you want me to be, but this is all that I am.  Anyway, yesterday it took a text message from Amanda to remind me that I am actually not alone in all of this and I do have a friend/someone who gets this, that supports me, that is on the same page as me. 

She texted me that she was feeling drained and sluggish and she still had a full upper body workout planned for the evening after work and that she didn’t think she could get thru it.  All things I understand.  I offered up positive encouragement and then she was like you should join me.  And of course the answer was YES.  The answer is always going to be yes.  And then there was relief.  She was thankful that I was going to be next to her pushing her along, motivating her and I was thankful because I needed her too.  I needed someone to understand and help motivate me.  It was exactly what I needed.  And it instantly made me feel better and pulled me out of my mental funk.  Sure I had a shitty weekend on a lot of levels.  I ate bad, I had family drama but none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. I am still on track.  I am stick focusing on my goals and I have people who do understand. 

The evening workout was intense.  And long.  I knew it would be with adding in Amanda’s killer upper body workout.  These are her own personal workouts she is doing to get ready for a bodybuilding show.  In like 4 weeks she’s doing a competition.  Just a bikini fitness competition.  Bikini category is pretty much for the “pretty” girls who aren’t that muscular but still totally all about fitness.  That’s my Amanda.  Anyway she has crazy strict workouts and diet.  But I can hang with her and that’s cool.  I started out the night with a 1 mile run before class.  Warm up.  And then moved into the 30 minute HITT cardio class.  It was brutal as usual.  First round was 10 of everything, then 9 of everything, then 8… you get the point all the way down to 1 rep of each.  For a grand total of 55 of every exercise when you are all said and done) This was the list of activities:

Sprints (outside sprints)
Froggers (frog style floor jumps)
Jump Tucks
Lateral Hops
Ski Planks
Jack Squats
Plank Jacks

It was enough.  I was dripping sweat actually. It was brutal.  Me and Amanda of course were the only 2 who actually finished the entire rounds in the 30 minute class time.  Yeah us!  Or crazy us.

And then we moved on to Amanda’s upper body killer workout.  It was a lot.  It was 20 reps of everything. We did chest and then back followed by shoulders then biceps/triceps.  It was heavy and hard.  Things are sore today as a result.  Right now my shoulders are beyond fried.  Good times.  And then for good measure after that like hour workout I still had to run another 2 miles.   So I could get my 3 mile training run done.  I know technically I’m probably supposed to run them all in a row, but I will compromise when needed to break the miles up as necessary.  That is as much as I’m willing to budge on the plan.  It was a long night at the gym.  I burned 816 calories so yeah, a lot for a night.  But I felt great afterwards and was obviously reminded of why I do any of what I do.  For this.  To be this strong happy woman.  I feel much better and in my zone when I am working out. This is who I am. This is who I am supposed to be.

So just because these were also the Instagram photos from yesterday during the day.  The do better, as I was still slightly suffering from feeling like a failure and mentally beating myself up because of the family drama etc.  And then my workout fashion post because hey, it’s cute right?  And then I went ahead yesterday and made a big 24x24 calendar of a Maui countdown.  Because I can.  Because the graphic designer girl in me still exists and I used InDesign to create this whole thing.  And we have a giant printer at work that I really rarely use for any personal purpose but I went ahead and printed out a poster for me to cross off my runs on.  It has a daily countdown of days.  You know this shit gets real when you have an official countdown going on.  8 weeks. Less now actually. 8 freaking weeks! Plus bonus I get to x off the days on the countdown.  That’s satisfying really. 

After I got home last night, later than I expected because of the extra workout and all, I showered and tried on some size 6 Victoria Secret Pink shorts I got in the mail from eBay.  I never know what size to order honestly, because my brain and my body don’t always match up.  Sometimes I order way too big, and sometimes too small.  I’ve been attempting to find the correct size for a while. I started with a 10 because I was like hey, jeans are not as forgiving and I want them a little bigger than too small.  Nope, too big.  Next was 8 and I still felt like there was some more give in there.  On to a size 6, looks pretty good to me.  But if I’m being honest I might be able to do a 4, but I might not push my luck that much.  These 6’s look great and are far better than what I could ever hope for.  Plus I just honestly felt really small and good in these photos.  And strong.  I noticed that I had an overwhelmingly strong looking body.  It wasn’t tiny and weak.  It was tiny and fit.  Something that I’ve been striving for my whole freaking life.  But honestly I felt great and confident.

Which leads me to this morning. It’s Tuesday morning so we all know what that means.  It means it’s my early morning outside training run day.  Yup, I’m still going strong at that.  I am shocked really. But not shocked too because of the whole obsessive compulsive girl thing.  I must do all the runs.  So I woke up like this.

Tired and NOT wanting to do it at all.  I mean, realistically I ran 13.1 miles on Sunday, 3 yesterday while killing it with other stuff as well) and now I was telling my body to run 6.5.  The first mile was brutal.  Although at the end of it I think I still managed a 10:06 mile which doesn’t seem that bad to me.  Especially for a training run.  Can I just say for a second how much easier it is to run outside than on a stupid treadmill.  Why has it taken me this long in my life to realize this? Geesh.  Anyway, the first mile felt painful and slow.  Then I picked it up a bit.  Mile 2 was 9:39 and Mile 3 was 9:29 before leveling out to about a 9:45 pace for the rest of the run.  This is amazing for me. And I am going to tell you why. Because honestly, this is faster than I normally run during any training run.  And it felt pretty comfortable.  And I wasn’t crazy pushing myself. And I did not have any external motivation or stimulation that a race setting brings.  This was just me running, not wanting to run really, and moving at that speed.  And each of these morning training runs keep getting a little better and better.

This was my 4th AM 6.5 mile run.  These are my times week to week to run the exact same 6.5 mile run, pretty much same exact route.

1:07:24 (average speed of 5.8 mph)
1:06:32 (average speed of 5.9 mph)
1:04:49 (average speed of 6.0 mph)
1:03:29 (average speed of 6.2 mph)

I suppose that doesn’t seem like a crazy lot, but in terms of running and keeping speeds and endurance up for that pace, it kind of is.  That first run was an average speed of 5.8, vs today being 6.2 miles per hour.  That is actually a very decent improvement.  I am not necessarily intentionally trying to run fast on these runs.  I am just doing my thing, running comfortable and it’s really impressive to me to see that in 4 weeks I have improved like this without necessarily trying so hard.  Crazy right?  This training this is so working and honestly I am so in love with it.  Yes, all that time being so scared to actually train for a marathon, thinking I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want to put in the work.  Man, I was so wrong.  Gladly admit I was crazy wrong.  I am so in love with marathon training it’s ridiculous!

I can tell you this, running on the treadmill I can’t or perhaps don’t want to come close to maintaining these speeds.  It’s just mentally boring as hell I think.  For instance last night my 3 mile run was not run anywhere near any of these speeds. Isn’t that funny?  My first mile I ran at a 5.8, but when I got back on there to run my 2 miles post all that workout all I could manage was a 5.5 without wanting to die.  I ran 2 miles at a 5.5 last night and this morning I ran 6.5 miles at a speed of 6.2.  Outside running is the best.  I am suddenly going to terribly miss it when it gets to be winter again.  Nothing beats running outside.  I just feel more alive and actually feel like I’m accomplishing something my moving from a point to a point instead of going round and round on the treadmill.  Seriously. 

But clearly I felt off the charts, over the top good today.  Good to realize that my training run hit that speed consistently for 6.5 miles.  This makes me feel awesome.  Makes me wonder where I can go in another 8 weeks, right?  Because basically my half marathon PR this last weekend was run at an average speed of 6.2 miles per hour, so I am right there.  I think I can get a little faster actually.  I kind of think I can.  Oh, and today my heart rate was much more consistent. Or rather it didn’t quite spike.  My average heart rate for the run was 155 with my peak high being 163 whereas my average on my half this weekend was 166 with a max of 180.  I was shocked my peak wasn’t higher today. It means I wasn’t working as hard to achieve the same results.  Knowing perfectly well that I had a little more in the tank honestly.  All good things.  All things that make me happy.  And I’ve got 8 weeks.

All of this is probably helped my decreasing weight too.  Less weight to carry around, makes me go faster, right?  I just feel much better today as a whole. Like crazy happy better about things.  At least from where I was at yesterday anyway.

Speaking of yesterday and the family stuff, the funeral is set for Thursday night. So that is going to happen.  Means I can’t go to the gym.  Which sucks, but its life right.  Guess that means I have to work out on Friday, not really my favorite or my general plan since I am running a half Saturday morning but what can I really do? It sucks. 

Okay so I am crazy hungry right now, like off the charts hungry so I think it’s time for me to eat my peanut butter rice cake things. Yup, yup.  Feeling much better today. I got this.  And crazy excited and happy.  And all those good things that running do for you.  And looking forward to some more calorie burn tonight at the gym.  It’s core/abs class which doesn’t burn shit in terms of calories but still works my abs in a way that I won’t do on my own so I guess that’s a good thing.  And then afterwards, well, not entirely certain, but I must do something, some strength training.  I will figure it out of course. I always do.  Yeah to happy running Tuesday!

Monday, July 27, 2015

A PR and a bunch of CRAP

So this morning officially sucks. Yup, not a fan.  Not a fan because of how crappy I feel like some of the weekend went and therefore I am just in a horrible funk today. Not so cool.  I guess in true Emily fashion I need to back up to where we last left off in the life of Emily.  That would be Thursday afternoon after running a shit ton of errands around town.  Just for the hell of it, before camping I made this lovely little collage.

There, don’t have too much to say about that one really.  And then I went home, and quickly did all the things I needed to do to get ready for camping.  It was fine. No big deal there.  Stopped and got Subway so that we could maintain some semblance of healthy.  Then we went a camping.

Thursday night was totally fine.  I was perfectly on track and all was great.  We woke up Friday morning and I was determined to make camping my bitch.

I put on workout clothes and we were going for a run.  I actually felt great and didn’t over indulge. Life was pretty much a okay. Chris and I ran 6 miles around camp, nothing too fancy, nothing too fast. Just a comfortable 6 mile stroll and it felt good.  It felt good to be active and run and maintain my life.

After we ran I got into camping mode.  Still feeling pretty good about things.

I did notice more and more that every single person around me was in full on let’s eat everything and anything mode and of course this goes perfectly with the idea that every single person brings a giant container full of crap ass foods.  This is their choice and it’s fine. I totally get that.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place mostly because I should be able to control myself and I don’t care if someone else eats crap all the time but it’s a fine line for those people who essentially are borderline binge eaters.  It is mostly best to not be around that kind of temptation.  Regardless, Friday I was still doing pretty good, went on some walks with my niece and my dogs.

And then the rest of the day was pretty chill.  I was good on eating mostly.  Then say around 9 PM or so, that box of Chicken in a biscuit crackers that had literally been staring me down all day got the best of me. I easily, quickly devoured half a box in a fuck it I don’t care moment.  But still I didn’t beat myself up over this.  I had run 6 miles that morning and was still feeling in control.  We went to bed and all was good.

Saturday morning I woke up and somehow the temptations got more and more and resisting got harder and harder. I think it was the lack of the run.  I woke up okay though.

And then somewhere between the approximate hours of 10 AM and 2 PM things really took a turn for the worse. I watched person after person eat item after item.  And I kept telling myself no, until I finally told myself yes.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  Yes, I am supposed to be able to live life, but why must this even be an issue?  It’s a control thing mostly.  I was losing control and that is what the trigger was.  Somehow I found myself downing buckets of peanuts. Not so horrible in the grand scheme of things and then I made my way to the licorice.  I was eating it like it was going out of style and then I had a moment of, “This doesn’t even taste good. Just stop.” I wasn’t eating for enjoyment. I wasn’t eating for comfort. I wasn’t eating because I was hungry.  I was eating in a binge filled, fuck it rage and I wasn’t even enjoying a thing about it.

The mental struggle is real sometimes and I had had enough.  I was also exhausted. Tired. Felt crappy.  And suddenly my tummy hurt. Physically felt disgusting. Like I wanted to vomit.  I went into my tent trailer and I am not going to lie I cried.  I cried because I hate this. I hate that any of this is an issue. I hate that my family must fill all of their “fun” with foods are terrible for you.  I hate that I have no self-control.  I hate that I am forced to exercise my self-control.  I hate that I am the outsider. I hate that no one else gives a damned about their health.  I hate that I am going thru some family issues right now that leave me feeling like the complete nut job of the family.  Everyone else can bond together to gang up on the outsider which happens to be me and my desire to be healthy and happy.

I sure wish there was more of the old Emily in there.  I can’t get the comment out of my brain because it hurts. It hurts me that while I am living a healthy happy life, truly the happiest I have ever been, the rest of my family is wishing I’d return to the old miserable fat Emily because it suits them better.  I get along better with everyone else when I will join them in their moments of reckless food abandon.  Maybe it makes them feel less guilty about their own lives. I don’t really know. But I know it hurts me.  I know their lack of support pushes me away and makes me want to run and hide and cry. 

I think by Saturday afternoon I had reached my breaking point. When your body is physically sick because it needs more nutrition than you have been giving it, I know I’m at my limit. Chris was gone fishing and when he returned I just wanted to go home.  Realistically we had planned on going home anyway to run our half yesterday so it wasn’t a stretch.  I had purposely avoided telling anyone we were leaving Saturday night (with the exception of my mom) because honestly I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear the crap I knew I’d get for leaving to go and run.  Because once again I’m insane for having such goals or desires.  So we packed up relatively quickly and were on our way. Thank God.

I felt awful at this point.  Physically. Mentally. And so on.  I got home.  We unpacked.  I ran to the grocery store for some ground turkey for spaghetti and determined to put the shit behind me.  I finally showered, which helped make me feel better and we ate.

I needed that healthy food. I didn’t care that I ate a ton of calories in crap food already.  I was not going to starve myself to try and overcompensate for the crap.  My body was mostly craving something real and nutrition and of substance.  The spaghetti was perfect.  We watched some TV and went to bed early because we had to wake up at 5 AM for our half.

We got to bed around 9:30 or 10 and honestly I slept great. Got a good amount of sleep.  Was slightly not awake in the morning when I got up but knew I’d be fine once we got there.  I had zero expectation for the half marathon. I was just grateful my husband was willing to leave camping to go and do it. I am grateful that I have one person solidly in my corner at this point.  This was a hard half marathon.  In fact of all the half’s that I’ve run this half last year was my 2nd worst time ever.  It was not an overly easy run.  It wasn’t that crazy either but it was definitely challenging.  The first quarter mile is completely straight uphill. Like you are walking it. It does level out after that.  But mostly the entire course is some up and down hills. Not entirely easy by any stretch.  My “hope” was that I could finish somewhere between 2:15-2:20.  But really I never know how things are going to go.

I felt okay when I started. No pressure or expectation.  When you very first hit a giant hill, as I knew I would, and you instantly see your average pace drop to like a 13 or 14 minute mile because you are literally walking up a hill you are like, well this one is already shot.  But I tried to not let that affect me as once I finally got up the hill and was able to run I felt like I was going at a decent pace and the average pace started to go down.  Typically speaking for most of a race your average pace slowly but surely increases as you slow down.  This one was very different as ever so slowly my pace started to drop. That was kind of fun.

I found myself having amazing moments of awesomeness.  Periods of running a pace in the 8 something minute mile range.  Okay mostly the high 8 something. But this is fast for me. 8 anything including 8:58 is a crazy fast pace for me.  But my legs felt amazing.  So I just kept running. Despite being hilly, it really is a beautiful run around a lake.  One side is paved, the back half is trail running.  I am not a trail runner. It is much harder for me.  I don’t like lose ground and rocks and gravel. I don’t like muddy trails which at points it was. You have to be very careful of your step.  But I started to notice at some point in the 7-8 mile range that my average pace was 9:39 minute miles which was in fact that pace of my PR I set 2 weeks ago.  I was like, nah, no way.  But I ran on.  At mile 8 we entered into the path/trail running and I was like surely my pace is going to slow because I know I can’t keep this up.  But I ran on.  My legs felt great.  I felt alive.  I felt on fire really.  Like I had that little moment where suddenly it all was perfectly inline.  It all made sense. I am going to do this.  Secretly my brain said, you are getting close to being done and how cool would it be to PR on this crazy hard course?

I did slow at moments on the trail.  I watched my average pace bounce between 9:38, 9:39, 9:40, 9:41.  But I was in the range. I had hoped if I got close to the home stretch and I was at all in the range I could sprint it out.  But I wasn’t going to put any undue pressure on myself.  Just coming close to this range was exciting for me and validation that this is where I belong and of course that my marathon training plan was fully working. 

We finally cleared the trail run at like mile 10.75 or so and I was thankful.  So close to the finish now.  Pace was on point.  And I felt good.  Like last weekend was the worst physically I think I ever felt during a run, cramping and shooting pains and all, and somehow this week was the best I’ve ever felt during a run.  My pace wasn’t really slowing that much in the final 5k of the race. Typically the last couple miles I have to slow down.  Not this time. I was still ticking it off at an under 10 minute mile pace.  Holy hell. And I felt great.  So I ran on.  I hit the 13 mile mark very close to the finish line and saw the time was at like 2:05 something.  And I knew I was within range of my previous PR of 2:06:22 so I literally booked it.  I sprinted like I’ve never sprinted during an organized run before.  Clearly indicating to me that there was something left in the gas tank, that I hadn’t left it all out on the course if I was capable of that kind of sprint.  In fact the last .13 miles of the race my pace was 6:41.  I was RUNNING towards that finish line, and officially cleared this hilly course at 2:06:09.  Beating my previous PR by 17 seconds.  But more importantly there was zero comparison between these two courses’.  This one was challenging and I crushed it.  People don’t PR on this course, not unless it’s your first one! 

Happiness was an understatement.  I was in pure shock to be honest. I had zero idea or expectation that I would PR this run and especially after .35 miles when I was walking up that hill and my pace was such crap.  And yet, there it was.  Proof that things are definitely getting easier and this training shit is completely working. At times I don’t understand at all how this is working since it seems like I’m not doing anything too difficult and yet the proof is in these races. The proof is in the reality that I am maintaing speeds better and feel better with the runs.  This all leaves me terribly excited for Maui and the idea that I can really do this whole marathon thing. I don’t think it’s going to be easy by any means, but I have confidence that as long as I keep doing this plan that I am going to get there!

Which leads me to this little gem.

After I ran my half and recorded my run my marathon training app, My Asics sent me an email basically telling me they’ve noticed I’m doing better than I originally expected with the runs and perhaps I should make some adjustments and revise my plan.  For the hell of it I clicked on the link and they said based off my current runs and paces that they think I should adjust my plan from running a 4:53 marathon to a 4:17 or something like that. I laughed out loud.  Not going to happen.  No way at all I can keep that up for that long. But it was a lovely sentiment that they notice I’m basically doing way better than expected. Let’s just get thru a run longer than 13 miles and we shall see. Mmm kay….

My first longer run 15.5 miles is scheduled for August 15 or 16, that weekend so it is in fact coming up.  Eek.  First real test honestly.  First real step for me.  But I’m not thinking about that right now at all.  One day at a time.

So here is what happened yesterday post run.  I ate like shit.  Something about my mental game already being way off.  Something about having felt like I’ve already failed this weekend led me to eat things I should not have.  And too much food. As per typical of running a half I suppose.  Sigh.  But I tried really hard to keep things in check mentally.  And made these little collage to try and encourage myself.

I still went to bed not happy with myself.  Mad about the entire weekend as a whole.  To be honest my mom called me in the evening and honestly I was in a shitty mood already and then she said something and basically I unloaded.  It wasn’t pretty.  I feel constantly judged and told what to do, and how I should behave and feel and act and I’m having major issues, etc.  And I just let it all hang out there.  It was not a pleasant conversation honestly. I told her I hated that everyone ate like crap. I hated that everyone seems to judge me for trying to be healthy because clearly I am the odd man out in our family. WHATEVER.  It was not a fun time and I said things that I feel bad about but maybe they needed to be said. Maybe I was overreacting.  But it was the end result of a bunch of shitty things, and not enough clearing of the air. She asked about her new boyfriend and I was not exactly glowing about him either.  I don’t dislike him. I think he is fine. Honestly, I feel like he is going to be around for a long time honestly. I can see that they really like each other.  However I feel like he is just more of the same.  I am not sure I like how mom acts around him.  She is acting weird and I’m trying to figure it out. 

Here’s the thing. One of the things I have always admired most about my mom is her strength.  She has become such a strong confident woman these past years, maybe because she had to be, but I adored that about her.  She was self-sufficient and strong.  And all these amazing things.  The minute she gets around this guy I feel like she throws it all out the window. She plays the helpless victim, the damsel in distress, the take care of me thing.  It rubs me the wrong way.  Like, really, all this time, you’ve just been waiting for some man to come in and take over and take charge.  Sick.  He’s fine. He’s nice. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have any problems with him, but I’m just not sure.  I hope that it works itself out. I hope it’s just the newness of it all, but in a nutshell my mom just doesn’t feel like my mom right now.  And I don’t feel like I can go to her with stuff right now.  Like she’s totally off in her own world.  It’s just sad.  I am sure things will work themselves out but for the time being when my mom asked me last night what I thought, I couldn’t get myself to lie. I couldn’t force myself to lie about everything and say what she wanted to hear which is that he’s great and I love him.  I don’t.  I don’t know him.  It really has less to do with him and more to do with my mom.  And how she is behaving.  But whatever.  It’s all complicated, as it always is.

Which leads me to today, and this morning, which is where I woke up just ugh. Ugh with the food. Ugh with the mental state. Ugh with life.

I am trying to focus on the reality that today is a new day, a fresh start, and I can change my attitude.  I can get it right.  I can get this shit back on track. FYI, I FEEL like I gained a little weight. I feel like I fucked it all up. But I know this is just my guilt talking.  I know it’s my insecurity and the crap going on in my head that is causing this feeling.  I am sure after I put some work in today, and have a clean healthy eating day that I will feel better.  I know that my body needs to detox from the junk. I ate way to much junk this whole weekend and my body doesn’t feel good and healthy.  I can honestly feel it.  I am bloaty and poochy and I feel sick.  I need to detox and accept that life isn’t always perfect.  And hell, despite all the crap I ran my fastest half this weekend.  So there’s that.

I need a serious attitude adjustment. Hoping I get one today. I hate not being my happy, positive, healthy self.  It really affects me.  But perhaps just writing this all out will help me process it and move on.  I think my family stuff is really bothering me a lot.  And now my grandma’s funeral is Thursday and that is just going to be so much fun seeing everyone, NOT.  Ugh.  Whatever. Breath. Just Breath.