Friday, December 28, 2012

Week 13, Day Two

Week 13, Day Two

It’s funny to me that there is all this hype and anticipation for Christmas and people vest so much into it (myself included completely) and then it’s over in a blink of an eye and some of what seemed so important really isn’t. And some of it is so much better than you could ever have imagined. I have a wonderful thoughtful caring husband. Sure we may fight and argue like most adults who breathe, but he tries so hard and I appreciate that so much. He got me an ipad for Christmas, which I completely LOVE. He also got me a $100 gift card to Victoria Secret, $50 to Red Lobster (my favorite restaurant ever!) and then he was super sweet and got me a coconut bath and body works body butter (because coconut is my favorite) and then the bare essentials face powder that I use was getting low so sometime recently he must have taken it into the store and he got me a new one. That is thoughtfulness!
Anyway, that was a side tangent. My point is Christmas is over- New Years is fastly approaching which I find to be an interesting time. Somehow magically because tomorrow is suddenly 2013 people decide that they must resolve to something new for the year. Why do so many people suddenly decide it’s time to lose weight? I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I mean deciding Jan 1 is better than NEVER deciding. It’s just an interesting phenomenon that gyms suddenly become packed and stores put all their fitness stuff on sale. Then by the time Feb. or March hit most gyms have returned to normal capacity with only a few survivors of the New Year’s Resolution fad.

I truly believe ANY time is a good time to start. If it happens to have to be Jan. 1 for you than its better than never for sure. What I really don’t mind is that at this time of the year since so many people jump on the fitness bandwagon there is lots of deals on stuff and of course lots of good information out there. It seems to be a good focus for a while and therefore lots of discussion in regards to health and fitness happen. That feeds my little obsessive self. I mean the Biggest Loser returns Jan 6 and for that I am completely grateful. Although rewatching past seasons are truly a wonderful thing for me right now. I believe I have enough past seasons to get thru to last me a year so I don’t show any signs of feeling complete depravation yet. However a new season is always welcome!

Since I’ve already been at this for 3 months I feel like I have a real secure footing/foundation on this weight loss thing. I am still plugging along happy for the most part. I stumble here and there and there are a few times where exercise becomes a chore I just don’t want to do, but for the most part I love it and look forward to it. It really is true what they say about exercise improving your mood and being the natural anti-depressant. It always is for me which is why it’s so puzzling that I ever give it up. I need all the natural help I can get.

I feel like that with the New Year while I may not be committing myself to a healthy lifestyle, I do feel a renewed yes I can do this and that is happiness. Things were not perfect over the last week but I will say I think they went better than I actually could have expected. I am completely proud of myself. My goal was to run last Friday and then manage two runs in between Saturday to Monday… I am very proud to say that I ran Friday night- 10 miles. I got myself up Saturday morning and I ran 8 miles. I got myself up Sunday morning and I ran 8 miles. I EVEN got myself up Monday Morning (Christmas Eve) and I ran 8 miles. Mission accomplished. My eating was better than I expected but not perfect. Which is okay. I did drink wine and eat cookies and cheese and crackers on Christmas Eve. Then Christmas day hit and I definitely ate more than I should have. After a wonderful Christmas morning with my family (complete with coffee cake pastries) we headed to Chris’s dads house where I ate lots of nuts. (Hunger lead to nut eating!) and then we went to Shari’s. I had the holiday dinner special which ultimately is pretty bad, but it was Christmas…. And therefore okay to eat a piece of pie… Ah well. I worked hard and ran 4 days in a row.

Christmas was wonderful and then I had to go back to work on Wednesday. I ate good on Wednesday but it’s hard to instantly undo damage from the previous 2 days of eating bad. I ran Wednesday night, 13 miles to be exact. Alas, when I weighed myself Thursday morning I was down .7 pounds. I expected it. Firstly, I had two previous weeks of killer weight loss and then I was coming off of two days of bad eating. With all that said I actually believe I lost more this week but that it will take a week to show up on the scale. And if I didn’t that’s okay to. I didn’t gain. That was my goal for the week. I simply wanted to live thru Christmas and not gain any weight. Mission accomplished.

Week 13 finds me down a total of 32.4 pounds. Not too bad. While I am embarrassed by the weight I started at, at least I am doing something about it. I mean the weight I am at now is also a weight that I have previously joined WW at. People start their weight loss journey at the weight my scale says right now. I am fully aware of this fact, but again, at least I am working on it right now. Oh, and I can run. I don’t run super fast, but I am an endurance runner. I can run and run and keep running. That is something I can do. And because of it I feel strong and proud. I have solid little muscles forming in my legs and I completely think it helps with getting rid of the McDonalds gut I have developed over time. Running is my friend. Always has been, will always go back to it.

Last night I managed another 8 mile run. Tonight I run. It’s just what I do. Or rather it’s just what I do after three solid months of caring. I had to make me the priority again. I had to make loving myself instead of hating the mirror more important.
I’m glad Christmas is over, as much as I love it, I’m glad it’s done so that I can return to focusing on other things. I’m ready for spring, although January is not really spring… but I’m ready nonetheless. Bring it on… and bring on 2013. I’m ready…

2012 hasn’t been the best year of my life, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Thanks Kelly Clarkson for that. I am thinking 2013 will be much better… Said with a grain of salt before 2013 has even begun. I will make goal again this year and that is something to celebrate all by itself. (Wish I didn’t always find myself in a place of self loathe where food seems like the only option) but now is not the time to dwell on the bad… move forward. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I feel stronger today than EVER….

Friday, December 21, 2012

Week 12: Day Two; Christmas Anticipation

Well I survived another week of Christmas activities and another weigh-in yesterday. I love how I saw weigh-in as if it’s all official. It’s not. I get up in the morning, go to the bathroom and then stand on my scale. That’s as official as it gets for me. But it seems to be working. I was down another 4 pounds this week. That means I am at officially 31.7 pounds for 11 weeks. Not too shabby at all. I am starting to notice and feel it. I feel better and that is an improvement. I still shutter to tell you what that number actually puts me at. A number I am still embarrassed by. Funny how you could lose 31.7 pounds and still be embarrassed by your weight or realize that you still have more to go. But honestly, I don’t hate myself now. Not that I ever hated myself, but I don’t dislike the way I look and that is an improvement. 31.7 pounds ago I hated looking in the mirror and I hated the way I looked in everything.

I managed to frost cookies last Saturday and only eat one cookie and perhaps a little more of the frosting that I probably should have but it still all worked out okay. I think it all works out okay due to my running. I love to run and make it a point to push myself as much as I can. Yesterday was myself imposed night off from running. When I run Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I need a rest. That was last night. But I have to have a calculated plan for this week because this week 12 is going to be HARD. Like the hardest week in a while. I have so much celebrating and Christmas activity to do. I have to get thru work today and then its four fun filled days of family fun. Fun filled days of family fun involve bad food and wine.

This is what I am thinking in terms of exercise. I am writing it down to commit myself to a plan. I will run tonight and treat today as any other normal day. Christmas is Tuesday so no exercise is going to occur that day I am way to busy. Wednesday is back to normal so I will most likely go to work and then run after work. That takes care of two workouts for the week. My goal is simply to get 4 workouts in. I generally strive for 5 workouts a week but this week will be THRILLED if I can get 4. That means between Saturday and Monday I need two workouts. My family really doesn’t come into town until noon on Saturday so I could potentially get up Saturday morning and do an hour run. I HATE morning exercise. I always run when I get home from work at about 5:30 or so. This is what my body is used to. Morning exercise and me don’t mix. I am not a morning person at all. But it might be what I have to do. This means that between Sunday and Monday I have to do one more workout. Monday is Christmas Eve and we have huge family festivities but not until the afternoon so again it’s possible for me to get up in the morning and run for an hour. I am basically just trying to talk it thru and commit myself to a plan of action. I think I will feel much better if I can manage that. I am not expecting anything big in terms of weight loss this week. To be honest if I could just maintain and not gain I am going to be happy for this week.

The food will be plentiful the exercise will be hard to come by and I bought wine to indulge in. Its Christmas, my favorite time of year hands down and I think it’s perfectly okay to not be perfect. Christmas day after we open presents we go to Chris’s dads and will go out to an early dinner at Shari’s probably so my healthy options are limited and I don’t want to be that girl anyway. So it is what it is. Maintain this week would be wonderful. I mean I quietly went into the weight loss night, didn’t jump in with some scary admission or run full force into the I’m going to be get thin bandwagon. I feel like I haven’t given it the crazy obsessive attention I have in the past and therefore I am beyond thrilled that in 3 months I weigh 31.7 pounds less. What if I hadn’t started exercising or eating better… where would I be right now? Very unhappy I’m sure. The truth is life was going to go on no matter what I did, these three months would have passed regardless so now they’ve passed with me being 31.7 pounds less. That is an accomplishment.

February 13, 2013 I got to Las Vegas to see my Pink concert. We are leaving on Feb 13, will celebrate Valentine’s Day there, my concert is Friday the 15th and then we come home on Sat. the 16th. I think in the back of my mind I just always wanted to be healthier for that. I was afraid of going to Vegas being the size I was a few months ago. I barely had clothes that fit, I felt frumpy and old. I already feel better and I have a month and a half still until Vegas to take off at least another 10 pounds or so. I won’t be at goal but at least I will be happy. That is good enough.
I am very excited for my family to get here on Saturday and really enjoy the holidays… It just makes me smile… I can’t wait!!!!! With that everyone enjoy the holiday season and allow yourself the ability to fully enjoy it!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Week 11: Day 1

Today is Day 1 of week 11. I have successfully completed 10 entire weeks of eating healthy and exercising. I feel really good today, but then again it was a weigh in morning so typically when I see a loss I feel pretty good and its hard to not feel really good all day long basking in that glow. In 10 weeks I have lost a total of 27.7 pounds. That is not too shabby. It’s not Biggest Loser crazy (can you tell I have been watching a lot of biggest loser lately) but nothing is Biggest Loser crazy outside of the Biggest Loser. I think Jillian Michaels said it best, Biggest Loser is the Olympics of weight loss. It is not possible anywhere else nor would I want to. I mean who really wants to work out 6-8 hours a day? I do NOT. I’ll take my 27.7 pounds in 10 weeks and be happy. Crazy happy actually. That is a great number.

Today I was rewarded with a great number. The last two weeks the scale was only losing a little bit then today I got a 4.5 pound loss. Body catching up. I actually don’t hate my body right now, must better with 27.7 pounds off of it, that’s for sure. I’m rocking a cute outfit today which makes me happy. I ventured into the black leggings and knee high boots realm today and I must say as much as I admire the look online I was very weary that I couldn’t pull it off. However, I think I’m doing okay. I feel happy and confident and that is what most of weight loss efforts are really about. Doesn’t matter what the scale says you are ultimately going for feeling happy and confident. I am still a long way from where I’d like to be on the scale, a long way from where I once was, but its not cool to compare what once was to now. What once was is clearly no longer and I am clearly a different person now so what I am now is what matters.

What I will say is that although I am not the same person now inside of me ALWAYS has lives a fighter. Someone who will not quit no matter the circumstances. Someone who will achieve anything that I actually decide to do. That is where I am at right now. I will achieve this. I am not even worried or thinking that I won’t. 10 weeks, 27.7 pounds. I am not stopping now. I completely seriously am proud of the fact that I have done this all without compromising myself. Without once peeking on the scale. I weigh in once a week period. I don’t obsessively write my food down. I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner and run. Wash, rinse, repeat. Of course it is more like 4-5 days of running a week. I have a hard time with weekends like most of the world and tend to overindulge and take off from running. But after 4 days of working out in a row my body screams for a break. I HAVE to take a day off. In order to run well again I need a day of rest. It seems to be working for me.

It feels really good to do things right for once. I am not perfect but I am happy. I wasn’t happy 10 weeks ago, and felt powerless and spinning out of control. Today I am happy and really excited for Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of the year hands down and I am so excited to celebrate and share in the fun with my family. I just love being around my family so much and the wonderful happiness that is Christmas just warms my heart. I sincerely can’t wait.

Glad today is Thursday and another weekend is coming up. I have a pedicure appointment with my mama and sister on Saturday morning. Love them, should be fun. Ususally I get a French tip but I am thinking since its winter and my toes are not often exposed except at home I might go red for the holiday season. Just a thought…. After that we are going to my aunts house where I shall meet up with cousins and aunts to frost cookies. Now I am just praying that I don’t down lots of cookies and frosting which are always my weakness, but I plan to wear a nice cute outfit to keep me in check and hopefully remind me of how far I’ve come. Either way it should be fun. I just love this stinkin time of the year. So merry… Complete love… Happiness in my heart and that’s about it.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Silent discent

Hmm… it’s interesting to me that somewhere in the universe this page exists where previous thoughts of mine have been collected. Actually when I get in a mood I have goggled myself, Emilys Big Adventure and up pops my very first website that actually still chronicles my first date with Chris, well over eight years ago now… has it been that freaking long? Anyway, it’s crazy to me that this page is here in the universe and I can write something if I choose which apparently I don’t often choose. Guess I’m leaving lots of good info out there in the world for people to search and find if anything ever happens to me. Yes, I watch too much Dateline NBC, 20/20, 48 hours mysteries, Snapped, etc. The news media would have a heyday with the info they could find on the World Wide Web with me. But I’m assuming it shall never come to that as for most people it rarely does. I’d probably delete my first website if I even knew how to. I can’t remember what password or username or even how to get into it so it sits there as a tribute to the girl I was forever ago. I certainly am not her anymore. We have a lot of similarities, but are such worlds apart to.

Hmm… last time I wrote I went back to weight watchers the end of May. That lasted two weeks; clearly I still wasn’t ready despite seeing that awful number. Further proof that you can’t make yourself do it if you aren’t ready to yet. What transpired was another 4 months of avoidance and self-loathing which quietly materialized into an October 5, 2012 recommitment to me. Instead of being a loud boisterous announcement to the world of my recommitment, I quietly went into the weight loss night and simply just ate well for one day. Then the next I ate well, and then I was like hey can I go three days… It wasn’t a declaration of my recommitting to any greater good. It wasn’t an I’m going to do this because I hate myself so much. It was a simple quite act and it worked. In hindsight I actually think this is why I am two months solid and feeling okay about things. I made no great promises to myself, no shockingly unrealistic expectations, just one day, one girl, one moment at a time.

In fact it took me until October 10 to decide that I might even want to try and exercise again. And even then it was a simple quick 30 minutes of walking on the treadmill. This old tired large body wasn’t used to anything more vigorous. Of course what followed was what always happens which is my love of exercise or rather running is resparked and in the weeks that followed not only was I doing an hour plus but I was running the entire duration and slowly but surely getting better. All of this was occurring while I was NOT weighing myself 3 times a day or conveniently starving myself more than I should. It was a nice natural happy progression. And it’s working.
In fact for an entire month I did not weigh myself at all. I weighed myself on Oct. 5 and then it was November 1 before I got on the scale again. This made perfect sense to me. Mainly because I was able to avoid a lot of the crazy behaviors that so often plague me in any effort to lose weight. The constant weighing and shuffling my life based on those stupid numbers. The not drinking too much water or liquid even after running my ass off for an hour simply because I didn’t want to see the water on the scale. STUPID! If you don’t weigh yourself you take care of yourself. Crazy concept I know. So alas one month passed and I lost 10.2 pounds. Good enough for me. Besides at this point while at times it seemed easier to want to sit on the couch after work rather than run, for the most part I wasn’t doing anything that was too hard. I was definitely beyond the point of return. No more daily McDonald’s runs and my body felt better. No more crazy turning of my stomach after eating stupid grease. Yeah, I had come too far to quit for sure.

I guess it’s a little bit like, what am I going to do now, quit? Even if I had a bad day where I wanted to eat a bag of candy or not exercise, in the grand scheme of things was I really going to quit? No, I honestly am not. Since Nov. 1 I have been weighing myself exactly once a week. Every Thursday morning after I get up and go to the bathroom I weigh myself. No second guessing all week, no being mad if earlier in the week I saw a lower number, no beating myself up. Just once a week and I take whatever it gives me because a loss is a loss. 4 more weeks have passed at this rate and I am down 21.2 pounds. I of course have weigh in tomorrow morning. I don’t feel like I had a particularly great week as my sister and niece and nephew were in town this weekend and I didn’t exercise like I should or eat like I should. I had too many of those delicious peppermint candy can Hershey kisses, but even if I lose half a pound I will take it.

I am most proud of the reality that despite what I weigh, despite everything I constantly put my body thru I still can run. I love running. Always have. Last night I ran for 1 hour 43 minutes, 13 miles. I know I am capable of that. I also look forward to what I will be capable of when I weigh less and get some more of this weight off of me.

Clearly I will always have a weight problem. Thank God I always come back to eating well. I should also point out that I am not crazy obsessing over food either, in fact I am not even writing anything down. I eat breakfast and then lunch, have a snack run have dinner and it is what it is. And I’m happy about the fact that I don’t obsess over every stupid little thing.

I still have my moments of I hate my body or I can’t do this, some things are very hard to unlearn. But I can honestly say that for the most part I don’t think about it too much. I see the progress I’m making and that is what matters. In eight weeks I lost 21.2 pounds and that is progress. Someone else probably can’t tell on my body just yet, but I notice the subtle little things and that’s what matters. Hell I’ve been wearing my wedding ring for a month no problems and that was a huge goal for me. Not squeezing my finger so much that I have to take it off.

Things are good, I’m doing good and I’ll take it. I have to say I much prefer the silent decent into happiness rather than the guns blazing running in shooting em up approach. This works so much better.

Oh and two shout outs, one to pinterest where I have collected motivational sayings about exercise that keep me smiling and motivated when I might otherwise give up and I have found my missing link, the holy grail of running, for me it is my lovely huluplus that I watch on my blu ray player in the gym. Who knew that someday there would be a means to watch past seasons of the Biggest Loser on demand while I run day in and day out. I have watched two complete seasons now and am working on another one. Sure, I watched them some time ago, and while I know who wins and all and I have vague recollections of some of the events, in a lot of ways it’s all new and fresh. I LOVE it so much. I haven’t been able to tear myself away from past seasons as if it’s happening right now. The best part is that after I see someone get kicked off I can go to facebook and search for them to see how they are really doing today, years later. I am presently watching Season 6 which aired some time ago. I always thought my best workouts came when I was watching the Biggest Loser and now thanks to modern technology I can just watch it over and over. AMAZING!!!! I’m completely in love.