Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Plugging Along

Last night I had another great workout, mind you it was no 2000 calorie day but few of them ever are :) I started by warming up with a quick 10 minute stair climb. Basically I am supposed to show up for my official personal training session a little warmed up. Makes sense. Yesterday was arm day which is fun for me because this is what I have been focusing so much energy and attention on because I really want to see results there. 30 minutes and I felt it. A LOT. After that, it was onto cardio sculpt class which was a lovely challenging workout. I followed this up with a 30 minute turbo kick class. Again, by the end I was pretty much spent in all aspects and turned in a very respectable 650 calories burned for the afternoon. I was more than happy with my results.

The difference between this 1.5 hour workout and the almost same one last Wednesday where I felt awful and only burned 450 calories was simply my effort. I knew something was missing last week and while the routine might have been very similar my effort was not. I could totally tell I was working harder last night. And of course this comes on the heels of my killer workout weekend. I was not sore yesterday at all. Today after all of my efforts, I feel slightly more sore. Nothing too major, but I guess a good sore in that kind of way where you know you worked hard and earned that sore.

I am going to the gym again tonight but I honestly have no idea what is on the agenda as there really are no classes I’m interested in tonight. My gym is fairly small, which is one of the things I actually love about it. It feels more personable and intimate. I pretty much know all of the employees at this point, since I spend so much freaking time there. But with “small” comes limited classes. Basically at any given time there is only one class going on and that is not even always happening. And of course if it happens to be a class I am less than thrilled about there isn’t another option. Last month they took away some classes off the schedule for the summer as less people have been going. Yesterday I saw the class schedule for August and thankfully they added a few more classes back in which makes me happy. Yes, stupid things like that make me happy.

Regardless, tonight is only Zumba and Yoga. Neither of which I am really a fan of. I do Zumba from time to time to fill in, but as a general rule I just don’t burn enough calories doing it to make it worth my time or effort. I spend so much time focusing on trying to get the steps right that I forget to actually exercise. I am such a people pleaser. I can’t “let go”; I have to make sure that I am trying my hardest to get the moves consistent and this totally blows the whole point to begin with. Next week they will have a 5:30 class on the schedule that will be more in line with what I like. Thank goodness. This month Tuesdays and Thursdays have been a struggle because it pretty much puts me completely on my own. I have all the motivation in the world on a Saturday/Sunday when I have all the free time in the world to do what I want, but on a week night, coming from work, it gets hard to actually motivate yourself sometimes.

But I have my workout clothes and I will go, because that is just what I do. I feel like I’ve put in 3 incredibly solid days of workouts in a row so it will be completely fine with me if tonight I don’t give it my all. A less than workout would be completely fine. Especially since tomorrow night I have my (3) thirty minute classes again. We will see what actually goes down once I get there.

I have been feeling less than myself as of late and it really does suck a lot of life out of me. Even people I encounter in real life are starting to notice it. Ugh. Hate it when casual acquaintances call you out on your lack of enthusiasm, or rather that you aren’t acting like your normal self. I take this to mean that I am generally a very happy positive person and lately they’ve noticed in those moments when I think no one is watching my smile fades and my pretend bravado goes away. Apparently I’m not doing as keen of a job of hiding it as I thought I was.

Actually, now that I come to think of it, I feel rather exhausted today. Like I didn’t get enough sleep last night, which I didn’t, coupled with probably exercise exhaustion from the last couple days of really killing it. I think it’s probably best to completely not overdo it tonight at the gym. I think I’ll shoot for an easy 400 calorie burn tops.

I wish this post was more exciting but it can’t be what it’s not. I really hope someday soon I can get back to some regularly scheduled discussion on weight related topics, but for now this is all I’ve got in me.

Monday, July 29, 2013

13.1 miles of athleticism

Well I have been the worst kind of blogger slacker this last week which isn’t shocking to me given the horrific week I had. I say horrific because it really was one of the worst weeks for me in a very long time. No excuses but I had a lot going on and then to top it off the muscle I pulled in my side on Monday really did bother me all week. I had a great exercise session Monday night but then the pain set in and Tuesday was crap. Wednesday night, despite being my favorite classes was still crap. I was definitely sick and sore and it was crap. Thursday night was even more crap. I tried to rectify the situation by doing a little 3.1 mile run on Thursday. Ultimately this just ended up aggravating my side even more. TOTAL crap. Friday I was in an incredible amount of pain and took the day off from exercise.

Basically, in a nut shell, my last week was physically awful and emotionally it was a train wreck of the worst sort. I really don’t want to talk about it or go into any detail here cause that’s just not what I’m going to do at this point in my life. I can say that things are a little better this week. I can say that I actually have a real life therapy appointment scheduled for this Thursday night to try and work out some of the issues that have been plaguing me and keeping me from emotionally being happy. None of these issues, shockingly, have anything to do with my health or weight, which is so bizarre to me that that is really the least of my concern. Meaning, if it were health or body image or weight related I would freely discuss it here. It is not. It is personal and in such I respect the boundaries of this website and won’t go too much into it.

I actually thought that my mental crap was causing me so much stress that I wasn’t working very hard last week. What actually was preventing me from having the energy/motivation/strength was really my physical pain. Go figure. The week prior to last, I was in a lot of emotional turmoil as well and had a kick ass awesome week health wise. Last week was a rare fluke of a muscle strain really taking its toll on me. In hindsight it was undoubtedly my body telling me to slow down a little. It was forcing me to listen last week.

Net results last week were:
Monday: Run 20 minutes: 2 miles; Personal training, 2 classes, awesome workout 750 calories burned
Tuesday: Pitiful, pitiful attempt, 250 calories burned
Wednesday: 3 (30 minute) classes where I actually felt physically like throwing up because I was not feeling well. 450 calories burned
Thursday: 30 minute Run, which ultimately aggravated the side even more plus some weights 400 calories burned
Friday: Rest Day

Overall, it’s not horrible, but it’s certainly not up to par and walking around in pain really put things into perspective and made me appreciate the health that I generally have. Saturday morning I woke up and I actually felt much better. Physically I felt good for the first time in a week. But I did not want to push it too much so I went to the gym and wanted to test the waters. My mom went with me and we started out with 20 minutes on the stair climber. Nice. Then we ended up doing an hour zumba class. It was good in a pinch because it was what class was being offered but still too much dancing for me as I am really quite retarded when it comes to movement. Afterwards I made my mom do some arm weight lifting. It was a great workout actually. In the end I burned 750 calories and truly felt like it was the best workout I had in a while.

I ended up spending the rest of my day on Saturday running around with my mom. We went to Costco, Pier One, and a few other places. We got frozen yogurt where I suddenly felt the urge to load up on a butt load of essentially ice cream with of course all the delicious horrific toppings of white chocolate chips, animal cookies, coconut. Ya know. But whatever. I still want to live my life.

Now let’s talk about Sunday. Yesterday the stars and the moons aligned into one giant motivation ball that this body hasn’t seen in forever. Like, I must have seriously been bottling up my entire weeks’ worth of motivation and somehow the bottle burst the fuck open yesterday. I really don’t know how else to explain the profound desire and ultimately sheer will that overcame me yesterday. It was the perfect storm as you will of free time meets pure adrenalin meets body feeling recovered.

I woke up and I felt so drastically better that I almost cried out of happiness that there was not pain in my body. I suddenly had all this energy that I swear was missing all week. It was in this moment that I realized that my physical injury clearly was affecting me more than I thought. Yes, I went to the gym all week but I didn’t really work. I was there in body, but not in spirit. Yesterday, I wanted it so bad and I was completely on my own which a great combination is.

We all know that my running has quite drastically tapered off. We all know I am a complete runner at more core. It scares the crap out of me that I don’t run nearly as much as I feel like I should. However, if you read those training guides for marathons or half marathons they really don’t have you running crazy, not even the amounts I was running. It’s something like run 2 miles one day. Next day weights. Run 3 miles next day. Weights the next day. Rest Day. Then a nice longer run. Basically they have you run like 2-3 times a week before a long run. Basically this is what I’ve naturally been doing the past few weeks without realizing it. Last week I ran 2 miles on Monday, then 3.1 miles on Thursday. With strength training mixed in on the other times. The week prior I ran 3.1 miles a couple times. I honestly don’t remember, but I haven’t really done a “long run” in a while. It starts to make me nervous when I don’t get in a nice good solid long run. I have this phobia that somehow my body isn’t going to remember how to run for a long period of time. I used to run at least an hour 5-6 times a week. I just need to make sure every week or so that I can still run for an hour solid. I never wanted to lower my endurance factor.

I think I wrote last Wednesday that I wanted to have a nice long run Sunday afternoon. It was in the back of my mind that I wanted to commit to a long distance run. Of course I had no idea that I could really go for what ended up happening. I was also fearful on Friday that I wasn’t going to be able to run period since I was in physical pain.

When I walked into the gym yesterday, high on feeling well and an energy drink, I decided that I was going to attempt a run. I told myself I would bail at the first sign of pain since I had zero interest in reinjuring myself. I started the treadmill up and went to a 6.4 speed. I was running great. Comfortable. Easy peasy. Honestly some days it’s a struggle to want to run at a 6.0, but 6.4 felt amazing. I honestly felt like I could go for a long while and my side felt great. So I decided to keep running. About half an hour into it I can’t even tell you how amazing I felt. Running is my free therapy. I had really been missing that. I felt so alive and high. So much so that I couldn’t control myself from tweeting about it while running. It really isn’t crazy difficult to tweet and run, you just have to have patience and take your time. I was holding the phone in one hand and using the other to carefully peck at the letters. It takes longer than a normal text would but I had nothing but time :)

Anyway, after 30 minutes I’m like I guess I can go for at least an hour run and see what happens. I was still feeling great so I kept running. After 60 minutes I was 6.5 miles or so into the run and I was still feeling great so I was like what the hell let’s go for 10 miles. Let’s just see if I can hit 10 miles run, in a row without stopping. So I pushed on. Somewhere about 95 minutes or so I hit 10 miles. At this point I was like, you know what, I’ve still got some gas in the tank left and this is the most I really think I’ve ran in one sitting at once at this high of a speed so I am just going to go for the gusto and see if we can’t push thru to 13.1. I mean, I’m at 10, what’s another 3.1 miles anyway? The fact that I still had gas in the tank after 95 minutes of solid running was impressive to me and the significance of what I was doing wasn’t lost on me.

Some days it’s easy to take for granted what I am capable of or what I have accomplished but I knew in the back of my mind that I don’t think I’ve ever really ran for 13.1 miles solid, continual at anywhere near a 6.4 speed. This is unprecedented for me. So I ran. I continued to run. Somewhere around mile 12 my legs started to get heavy and throbby. The last half mile was pure mind over matter, sheer willpower. I wanted to stop, but I finished strong. 13.1 miles, 2 hours 1 minute, 47 seconds to be exact and I had run a half marathon on a Sunday afternoon just because.

No one will ever be able to comprehend the feeling of satisfaction, confidence or excitement one gets over such accomplishments unless you’ve done something yourself. I suspect this is the feeling people get when they complete those triathlons they do, or the races they finish. I have nothing official or no shiny medal to signify my accomplishment. But I have the complete and utter truth and it doesn’t matter that I have no medal or even if another soul ever believes me or not, because I know the truth. I did it and no one will ever be able to take that way from me. I REALLY ran for 2 hours 2 minutes and did 13.1 miles without stopping at a 6.4 on the treadmill. Who can just do that without training or even knowing that is what they are going to do when they first start running? I guess me. I am not one of those gloaty people, but holy shit I feel so proud of the fact that my body can do that. I worked for that. I have earned this body thru sweat and tears, over and over, day in and day out and I have earned that feeling of pride I have over being able to just randomly run 13.1 miles.

Basically, it gives me hope. I live in a fear based world. I fear so much. In the back of my mind I have always been afraid that I couldn’t actually run 13.1 miles. Yes, it’s a treadmill and that still is not running outside with the elements, which I know is harder, but it’s a step. It gives me hope that I can do a half marathon if I wanted. It builds my confidence and that is so important at this point in the game. So I guess I’d say the answer to my questions is yes, yes, I really still can run for an hour without stopping. Nothing about my present fitness routine is actually hindering my endurance or ability to perform long runs. Good to know. I actually suspect that my current activities have helped me in this endeavor after all. I don’t suffer from runners burn-out and therefore really enjoyed every moment of my head-clearing 2 hour run.

After I finished running I wasn’t done with the gym. Not by a long shot. I had an entire afternoon to myself and the only thing I wanted was to push myself and enjoy the physical strength I was feeling. I FINALLY felt good and I wanted to take advantage of it. I went to the weight section and loaded up a barbell and started lifting. I got dumbbells and spent a good deal of time lifting and toning my upper body. I was basically enjoying my physical athleticism in all its glory. It was such a good day for me.

I can’t even put into words how great I felt yesterday and how much I needed the hours of me time at that gym. What exercise does for me mentally is so far beyond anything I have ever experienced in my life. It is my drug. Thank God I don’t do drugs, right. Because I am so addicted to that high of exercise I know I’d get addicted to a drug if I ever did one. Which I won’t. But honestly, my shitty past couple weeks felt so much more manageable after kicking ass in that gym. When all was said and done and I finally told myself I had to leave the gym because I couldn’t spend the entire day there, I had burned 2000 calories. Yes, 2000 calories, probably a personal record for me as well. Completely made up for any self-doubt I was having about my abilities post last week.

I think I really was meant to be a healthy fit girl. I really think this is my true calling. I am never happier or more at peace than when I am exercising feeling those endorphins thru my body. I need this in my life. I need this feeling. This is who I’m supposed to be. I know this.

I am not the same girl I was 10 years ago. I am not even the same girl as I was a couple years ago. We all change and grow and evolve. We outgrow things and people and don’t need stuff in our lives that we once thought and at some point we realize our true inner selves. I am an athlete. I really need to realize the truth of that. I am a god-damned athlete. That is who I am. I’ve always been her on the inside; always, my whole life as the chubby teen who dreamt about running to the current girl who can randomly run 13.1 miles. I am a God-Damned athlete and no one; NO ONE can take that away from me.

It is not about skinny, not even close. It’s about being strong and healthy and embracing the girl I was always meant to become. The strongest possible version of myself physically and mentally. Funny how physical strength gives me the mental strength that I really need as well.

Tonight it’s back to the gym for my personal training at 5:30 and then 2 half hour classes. I feel confident, strong and ready. My motivation has returned and with it comes my ability to achieve whatever I set my mind to. I am much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for and it’s about damned time I stepped up to the plate and took control of the things that are dragging me down. That’s what Thursday’s therapy session is for!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Long Overdue One

This is a long overdue post. This week has been interesting in the sense that for some unknown reason my motivation has been completely lacking. I am not sure what exactly is going on but I have moments of brilliant resolve and then wham, I crash. I think it really started last Friday when I was less than interested in keeping my resolve and over ate at Red Lobster. This somehow put me into what appears to be an almost week long “I just don’t want to” mentality. But honestly I am not too worried or being too hard on myself because its only a couple days in the grand scheme of things and I haven’t been awful. Not really so I think its okay.

Monday I had zero desire to exercise but since I had personal training it was a no brainer that I just went. And I can honestly say that I didn’t want to but the moment I got on the treadmill for my 20 minute warm up I felt amazing. I was loving it. Then came what I consider a killer personal training workout. That woman killed my legs. Like strength training with a big barbell on my shoulders and lunges like you wouldn’t believe. Yes, I lunged across the entire gym for what felt like forever but in actuality was probably like 15 minutes. But it was ENOUGH. I felt awesome. This was immediately followed by (2) thirty minute classes. In the end I did an awesome almost 2 hours of exercise burning about 860 calories. Good enough and honestly I felt great. Of course Monday night, much later, I felt very hungry and probably ate more than I wanted. I am trying to come to terms with the reality that while I am growing muscle I am just simply going to be hungrier and its really okay to eat more. I promise you that without trying I am eating way beyond what weight watchers would ever have me eat in a day.

Monday was great. Yesterday I started my day by running a million errands for work, mainly I spent my entire morning in the car. I did not make it back into the office until about 1:30 and then something shocking happened. I worked. I actually felt so far behind in work because of my general lack of interest the past couple weeks, but yesterday I hunkered down, stayed off the internet and just knocked some stuff out of the park that really needed to be done. While I was feeling much better about the work situation I felt worse about my health. Mainly yesterday I woke up with a pulled muscle in my core side. I don’t know what I did and it was in a weird spot, but it was making even walking slightly uncomfortable. Couple this with the reality that when I got to the gym I was just not feeling it. So yes, I went to the gym last night with the intent to work on my arms since that was the only thing I could really exercise without feeling that side tear. Ultimately I felt less than productive. I suppose a 45 minute arm workout is better than nothing but only burning 250 calories is so unlike me. Oh well. I think in the back of my mind I knew tonight would be better so I just let it go. Plus I really did want to give my side another day to heal up.

Cut to this morning. I was actually in the office at the appropriate time this AM and once again felt like finishing up actual work. I think I have got a good grip on the workload now and that does make me feel better about things. Funny how your general mood can improve when you take care of those nagging issues in the back of your head.

Anyway, as a general rule, my actual motivation this week is just so blah. I am sure after tonight’s workout I should be feeling slightly better. I think I just need to sweat and feel like I put in some effort. Tonight is my (3) 30 minute classes. Dumbbell fit, cardio core, and turbokick. I enjoy all forms of classes. I am really liking them as my core workout and then I supplement during the off times with the other stuff. Although I do really feel like I need a good run. It’s been far too long. I am kind of in my mind making a mental plan for a nice big long run this weekend. I’m thinking Sunday afternoon might be a great time to hit a long 6-8 mile run. I haven’t done that in far too long. Just get lost in the run.

After tonight I am hoping that my motivation picks back up a little. There is something pretty cool and motivating about being able to do something you didn’t think you could do. That is how I feel about personal training. There hasn’t been anything she’s had me do that I haven’t be able to do yet. I will always try. And some of it looks so scary to me, but I trust her and I guess I trust myself. I am pretty addicted I have to say. If I could afford it I would probably do more personal training. Its kind of torture but so good at the same time too.

I just have this image in my head of the person I want to be. I see a girl that I could be and when I get focused on something I will move mountains to make it happen. I’ve always been that way. I see the body I’ve always wanted forming and it just makes me want to push for it. I am so close, well closer than I’ve ever been in my life anyway. Have you ever been so close to having what you want and yet at some points feel so far away too at the same time? I kind of feel like that at points. I know I am close to the goal but I also realize that there is no real end-game for me. It can always go and go. And of course, lets say I finally get those ripped arm muscles I want, then what? I have to keep using my arm muscles to keep them around. It isn’t like once you earn them you’ve got them for life. Nope, you have to keep going even when you get where you want to go.

While my motivation is slightly off this week, overall my bigger picture is still there. I see myself on the cusp of pushing myself beyond what I ever imagined. I think about the possibilities now, of what could I really do? I mean, things that I maybe only dreamt of and not given much thought to. I really “could” one day run a marathon I think. Or I could hike the Grand Canyon. (Excuse my thought process as I watched Extreme Weight Loss last night and she was all about that). The point is, I am not sure what is next, other than I am certain that something else is next. I am enjoying taking on new challenges way more than I realized I would. While fundamentally I miss running, I don’t miss the grind of every single day the same old same old. I need it in my life for sure. But I am completely comfortable with a couple times a week. Moderation is an interesting thing that I have never really learned. I am working on it now. It is making me a more rounded, whole person I believe. And yet some days its still seems like forever. Guess that is just the way life goes, right? Some days your up, some days your down. Progress; not perfection. We’ve all heard it before.

I think tomorrow, being as its Thursday, I should really embrace the Throwback Thursday online concept and try and take a look at how far I’ve really come. I think the thing is, I have seen the fat before photos all the time. That doesn’t really impress me so much anymore. What I’m now in search of are photos of previous times where I have been my thinnest and I want to see how many body appears now as compared to then. I am looking to see the muscle definition that I didn’t have before, or at least that I don’t think I had. I want to see that kind of progress. I want to know that I’m actually making progress I guess. I know I am, but some days, like Throwback Thursdays, you might just need a little reminder of the progress. I will try and put that on the agenda for tomorrow.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Lack of Exercise

Here’s the deal- my weekend was fine. It was good. All things went well except I didn’t eat well, and I didn’t exercise well. I am not going to beat myself up over it. I simply won’t allow myself to belittle myself for taking a little breather from being obsessive/compulsive girl. I have been so incredibly “on” for over a month that taking a mini-breather is not going to kill me. And in the end, it wasn’t terrible awful either. It really wasn’t.

Friday I completely took off from exercise. I went to dinner at Red Lobster. I haven’t been out to dinner in far too long and honestly I really needed the nice dinner. I ate healthy on the menu but did eat 2 of the biscuits and had 2, yes 2, mixed drinks. Oh well. Not the end of the world. Saturday morning I got up and went for an amazing hike. We are talking true, trekking thru the Oregon woods kind of hike. Did I mention that this was climb to the top of not 1 but 2 different hills in order to complete the hike? They say the change in elevation on the hike is 400 feet. It was crazy intense uphill climbing in parts. I wore my heart rate monitor and turned it off every time we stopped as to not count those moments as “exercise” calories burned. Anyhow, the entire duration that we actually spent hiking was 4 hours 20 minutes and while some of it was easy peasy, some of it was intensely hard. 1300 calories burned. We pretty much were gone all day long. We got Subway early in the morning and carried it in for our lunch on the river. Beautiful!

When we got home I was exhausted. Had a decent dinner. I ate too much as a general rule but it wasn’t awful foods. The quality was there, just in excess. Still didn’t feel too bad about things. Then yesterday happened and I did not exercise. Boo. And then the lack of exercise really messed with my brain and while I was relatively good most of the day at some point last night decided it would entirely be a good idea to eat cookies and chex mix. When there is a will to “binge” one will always find a way. It wasn’t awful. Really it wasn’t epically bad or anything. I think the biggest problem for me was that I was missing my exercise high quite honestly. That is 3 days in a row that I did not go to the gym. Yes, I did do a massive hike on Saturday which is definitely exercise but it wasn’t the usual so it threw me off somewhat.

As much as I don’t like Monday’s or want it to be Monday and back to work part of me is glad to get back to my normal routine. There is comfort in the known. Eat well, and of course gym time. I think I missed the gym. Tonight is personal training so that will probably kick my ass in lots of good ways. I am certain I will feel much better once I have completed my 1.5 hours of great workout tonight. I am certain I am missing the cardio high that I need.

Consequently the lack of exercise and eh eating left me feeling emotionally yucky. Self-esteem issues left me not liking what I saw in the mirror which really is all in my head since in 3 days nothing about my body changed from Thursday night when I was loving my body! Go figure. We are a messed up species aren’t we? Basically I think I am just looking forward to feeling strong. I like the progress I am generally making and need to step back and learn that taking a few days off doesn’t mean that all my progress disappears. Maybe I wasn’t actively adding to the progress but I wasn’t really diminishing from it either. It’s okay to just exist for a couple days from time to time. Not every single day has to be 100% about my health and fitness. There, that is the truth. I am trying.

While on my hike in the middle of nowhere, where we are lucky if we run into another soul, I was walking down a trail and looked up and saw a couple coming towards me. Low and behold it was my cousin’s ex-wife. It was kind of heart breaking really. This is my younger cousin whom I adore and this girl was the love of his life. Like he still, to this day, is in love with her. Anyway, she cheated on him. Broke him to pieces. And there she was, in the forest, walking towards me. I haven’t seen her in 2 years. It was strange and surreal at the same time. Very small world indeed. I don’t run into her in town or at a store, but in the middle of nowhere, literally. I’d like to think there was some greater lesson to take away from that, but there wasn’t. It was simply a shitty situation that they lived thru and I was simply sad for my cousin. I wish it had worked out differently because I really liked this girl. I thought they were great together. We had a lot in common; thus the hiking in the middle of nowhere on a Saturday afternoon for fun. That’s it. End of story.

It’s almost lunch time, and once again, I have a bunch of work errands to run around town. Mailbox, drop off stuff at the bosses house, etc. Good times. Actually I’m kind of looking forward to getting out of the office today. Some days you just want to be outside, even for a moment.

Only problem is this, I am super stupidly hungry today. Not sure the reasons for that. Maybe it’s because I ate more food than I should have all weekend and my tummy now thinks that it needs more food than it really does, but I can’t stop from eating way more than I should. Shut up stomach, you are full! I say so. And with that, since I’ve already just now eaten my lunch and it’s not noon, I think I need to get out of this office. Off to errand.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Picture time

Good morning world. I woke up today feeling so much better than I have in a few days so that is always a considerable plus. Not sure what the cause of this general feeling of happiness is but I will take it. Last night after the gym, I decided to frolic around the house and try on clothes. Isn’t that what everyone wants to do with their free time? Okay, maybe only the really girly and self-involved types. I actually tried on dresses that I haven’t worn in years. Okay, probably not really worn ever. Two of the dresses still had tags hanging on them. But whatever. It’s always a good visual reminder of how far you’ve come to try on things you’ve previously worn.

So in my closet look thru I stumbled upon the bridesmaid dress I wore to my sister’s wedding in October 0f 2011. There is a horrible reality about this dress. My sister said we could get whatever style dress we wanted as long as it was the same color as my sisters. I put off buying the dress for so long because I was fat and didn’t want to look in the mirror. Eventually I went into the store and just said, fine, that one, which was the same style as one of other sisters had picked out. The problem is I ordered it in a size and didn’t really know how it would fit. I ordered a 14. When the dress finally came in a couple weeks before the wedding, (remember I procrastinated until the last possible minute to buy the dress making my sister nervous), it really didn’t fit well. The truth was it was a 14 and yes, I could put it on and zip it, but it was tight. WAY to tight. So tight that it kept ridding up my butt when I walked. So tight that during the reception the back slit a little and my ass was hanging out at some point and a guess at the reception had to come over and tell me. Thank goodness my other sister packed spandex tights I threw on under the dress. Geesh.

To put it mildly the dress was a train wreck. Perhaps this would have been a lovely style on someone smaller. Perhaps this dress would never have been flattering, I don’t know. I didn’t really care I was not a at a good place in my life. I did get completely shit-faced that night and had a blast. It was fun, until I started throwing up in the wee hours of the morning and could not stop of hours. One of the worst nights of my life from that stand-point.

Anyhow, the dress was hanging in the closet. I have tried this dress on before since the wedding. I tried it on when I was like 170-180 pounds. I thought the dress would fit so much better and be swimming on me. It was not. The thing is, the size 14 was too small anyway. Couple that with the reality that bridesmaid dress sizing, much like, wedding dresses themselves, are off. The size 14 fit me pretty decent at 170-180 pounds. Epic fail. I truly felt defeated at that point and decided that I should not try it on again until I would be swimming in it.

Fast forward to last night. There it sat in the closet and I was finally like, hell yes, this has to be too big now. My first clue should have been that I didn’t have to unzip it; I could totally pull it completely up and over my body without doing a thing. I am not sure the photo does justice to how big this dress really was. There was a solid foot, 12 inches all around that once was occupied by my body. I was swimming for sure. My arm is holding up the side that my body snuggly held once. I can’t believe I actually filled that out. Then again, I kind of do believe it because I still do pretty easily remember what it was like to be that big. It wasn’t that long ago after all. Right now I have a harder time believing I am as healthy and fit as I am. It’s easier to believe the first picture in my mind than the later.

Anyway, here is the photo:

So while I’m at it I thought I’d talk about this other dress I found hanging in my closet. This is a dress that still has tags hanging on it. I bought this dress like 8 years ago. I seriously bought this the first time I ever lost weight. It was on clearance at Ross Dress for Less. I think I paid like $5 for the dress. When I bought it; it was too tight and did not fit properly. I figured I would lose a few more pounds and it would fit. It never happened. But I kept the dress the entire time basically as a memory or symbol of where I once almost was, etc. I don’t know, I couldn’t get rid of it. I always hoped in the back of my mind one day I would be able to slip into this dress. Last night was the night.

Yes, it is a tight dress which is part of the problem. It is form fitting and not all that forgiving. Not only did it fit pretty dang well, but the top was actually kind of big and loose. I am not sure if I will ever actually wear the dress, but I like to have it hanging in the closet as the reminder of where I’ve been and where I’m going. But honestly I don’t hate how I look in it. That is a beautiful thing!

And finally, just for shits and giggles, here is a photo of me last night in my workout clothes because I love them and they are cute and I felt really confident, and strong last night so I took these photos, plus I was ridiculously bored so there you have it. Plus the lighting turned out really cool in these photos.

I of course went to the gym last night and worked it. I was actually kind of exhausted. Mentally I wanted to push thru, but for the first time in a while, my body just felt slow. Tired I guess is what it’s called. My legs were tired. I rarely get that tired or sore but yesterday I just didn’t feel like I had much energy left in me. I still did my 1.5 hours of classes and then pretty much called it good. I did notice during class as I was in between exercises stretching out muscles and was running my hands up my thighs just how damned muscular stuff is feeling. Well, not really. I mean, there is still tons of fat all around, but hot damned I feel more muscle than I ever have before. I love that. That is pure motivation to keep going.

As I was trying on all these different clothes, there were more that were not photographed :) Just how good my back is looking. It’s the little things. I talked about it yesterday but I really noticed last night that I don’t have really the back fat that I once did. Things have certainly tightened up on that front. I might even dare I say it, have a sexy back. I feel like breaking out into Justin Timberlake’s, Sexy Back song, but I know that’s about bringing sexy back, not actually having a sexy back. Ha.

As per the usual I have packed another gym bag and will hit the gym tonight. Not sure what the hell is on the agenda, since I am kind of sore already, as in an overall generalized kind of sore. But I will go, and I will work something out and I will get my high and feeling of satisfaction.

Oh, and since Thursday has always been my official weigh day, and I’ve just been plain bad this week about weighing myself too often, I decided that I weighed myself this morning for an official count and then I’m hiding the scale again. NOT NECESSARY! While the scale was kind to me this week generally I don’t want to get back into that habit of letting it have any control over me or what I do. Quite honestly I have been doing so great with the health and exercise that I don’t need a scale. For the record the weight this morning was 140.2. I can live with that. Yes this week I saw lower, but 140.2 is great. Especially since last week I think it was 141.9 and the week before 141.4. It’s just good to maintain in any way. I am getting close to consistency at that 140 mark and that is ultimately what I always wanted. Way back in the day 140 was set as my official weight watchers goal. I think for the most part I’m maintaining that well these days while still building all sorts of awesome muscle. So impressed by the changes and so optimistic for what is to come. It’s only been a month!

Anyway, I think that’s about it for the day. It’s getting close to lunch time anyway.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Strength Training

So this morning I’ve actually been trying to focus on getting some work done this morning at work. A completely novel concept I know. The thing is, despite NOT being a morning person at all I tend to only really get work done in the morning. By the time the afternoon hits I get my slump and I just don’t seem to want to do anything productive. Seeing as the past two days I’ve spend my entire morning in the car driving around it makes sense that today was the first chance I really got to delve into some work. Still not perfect, still not done, but better. Significantly better.

Last night I wasn’t really “feeling” the gym but I went anyway of course. It’s just routine at this point. I guess that is the thing that I probably love the most. They originally said it takes 30 days to form a habit, but then I think they, whoever they is, revised that to like 45 days. Regardless, the habit is formed. Not just the exercise after work habit, but now the go to the gym habit. Pretty cool really. Even when I may not want to, it’s so engrained in me that I just go. Once I go, I pretty much always end up loving it.

Last night I wasn’t sure what I was going to do at all. I was completely on my own. Sometimes I feel like a lost puppy looking around the gym trying to decide what to do. I wanted to get my heart rate up and my leg was feeling fine so I decided to run. I just needed the stress relief yesterday. I wasn’t in the mood to go super-fast or push myself too much as I was still conscious of my leg and not pulling another muscle. I just did a nice pace 30 minutes 3.1 mile run. I felt good afterwards which is always the point. About this time it was time for the barbell workshop. It was about using proper form on the barbell and then of course using the barbell to do some exercises.

Before the class started, the instructor, who is not my personal trainer, but a trainer who teaches classes at the gym, Amanda is her name. Anyway, we started talking. I said that I was doing the barbell workshop because I get enough cardio on my own and was looking for anything strength stuff. She said, yeah, I’ve noticed you are starting to get definition in your arms. Hasn’t it only been like a month? I’m like yes. Secretly inside I was thinking HELL YES!!!! Amanda was the first person at the gym to put me thru an arm workout about a month ago. She is the Turbokick instructor and the first Saturday they were offering the class no one but me showed up and instead she gave me a 30 minute one on one session and we did arms. My arms were REALLY weak at that point and I told her that I had never done arms before. It’s been about a month and she said she really has noticed. I said I had too. I feel it. She said that’s pretty great results for a month. I have to say that I am pretty impressed with the results of a months’ worth of work. So much so that I am starting to not feel as bad about not running every single day. Running is my go-to for sure and while at times I miss it daily, at some points I don’t either. Don’t get me wrong, I miss it if I don’t run and will ALWAYS return to running. I can’t go more than every other day without running something. Maybe it’s only 2 miles fast or maybe it’s a 5k but I have to run at least every other day. My brain needs that runner’s high to function properly.

But I have to say after only a month the results really are enough to keep me wanting to push at the strength training. The results are pretty awesome. Overall every inch of my body feels tighter and more toned. I look at my back and for some reason it just feels so much firmer. It’s crazy! One month people, one month! And the best part about it is that there is so much to do, so many areas, so many exercises to get better at that I couldn’t possibly ever get bored or max out. You just move on to something else. Right now my obsession is with building arm muscle and I don’t think that’s going to change for a while. Someday I really want to be able to do a pull up. Believe me, I am SOOOO ridiculously far away from being able to do one but some day this girl wants to pull herself up. That is the goal. I can dangle and lift my lefts and move maybe an inch but I can’t get my arms to pull my body weight up. Some day.

Anyway, after the barbell class I did more free weights for a while before calling it quits. I finished the day burning 700 calories in just about 2 hours. I came home and was super productive which was also nice. It was garbage night so I gathered all the garbage and got it all out to the curb, I did some dishes. I put my new bed sheets on the bed. I did 2 loads of laundry and then I showered and blow dried my hair, prepped all my clothes for today. Regular outfit and workout outfit. Set my vitamins out for the morning. Super crazy productive. Love that feeling.

It does help make the morning go smoother when most everything is done already. I have been taking vitamins consistently for a couple weeks now actually. There is something ridiculously motivating about the gym and seeing those girls and the results of my efforts that just makes me want to push further. I take 5 drugs every morning. 2 allergy pills and 3 different vitamins. I have to say that I didn’t think they were doing much at first but after being consistently in my system for a few weeks I think they are doing their job. I feel more regular or balanced. I am taking a general multi-vitamin which is just plain good for women I guess. I am also taking a chromium pill because that is what the crazy health nut trainer girl recommended. It’s supposed to help control your blood sugar levels consistently throughout the day thus not leave you starving as much. I do think its working. I am not a pill girl and up until recently never took a single pill. So this is all new to me. But so is being this focused on my overall “health”. Sure I’ve focused on weight loss but not really my health. Generally I feel like I’m in the best physical condition of my life. My body is just thriving on all that I’m giving it. I feel great honestly. Physically at least. Emotionally is a whole other story :)

Tonight is my 3 classes on Wednesday. I have dumbbell fit for half an hour and then cardio core for half an hour and then Turbo kick for half an hour. It’s only 1.5 hours of workout but it’s a good little stretch of exercise. I love Wednesday nights because the classes are so awesome :) I’m pretty much looking forward to all of it. I love sweating. It really does help with the emotional stress of life. You know, I haven’t even turned the TV on since like last Thursday night I think. I come home, turn the radio on and do stuff around the house. Not interested in the TV. So weird to me, I used to be a TV junkie. Maybe it’s just the summer lack of new episodes.

I am going to run my lunch time work errands now. I think I was about done anyway.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Healthy Heavy post

So here’s the really boring lackluster story. Both yesterday and today I had to start my morning by driving from Salem to Hillsboro. For those of you who are not Oregonians I can tell you this is about an hour or so drive. Yesterday was actually worse than that, as I had lots of errands and trips. Either way both days I have not returned to the office until the afternoon. This is the first chance I have gotten to sit down and write out anything.

At this point, the weekend seems so long ago that I’m not entirely certain that I remember what happened. I will skip over the details and hit the highlights in terms of my health and nutrition. As this site is, at least for the time being, mainly focused on things as they relate to health. Friday night I went for what ended up being a nice 2 plus hour hike. It was very challenging, lots of hills, etc. I burned about 700 calories doing this. Yeah me.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom again. My 9 AM Turbo kick class was cancelled as there were only 3 of us. Boo. I had a hard time with motivation at this point and wanting to exercise. I am not a morning exerciser by nature so I really need Saturday AM classes to “make me” work. I kind of messed around for an hour doing a few things, but then at 10 AM decided to take the Boot Camp class, which was being taught this week by the same instructor who normally does Turbo kick. I really like the girl so I went for it. Holy Hell was boot camp HARD. I was practically dying and I’m in pretty good shape. That good kind of awesome for sure. After an hour of that I actually did feel like I sufficiently worked out. This resulted in about 650 calories burned. I can’t exactly remember the numbers off the top of my head.

Sunday I did have every intention of working out but it didn’t happen. Had other life issues get in the way I suppose is the nice way to say that. After trying to force myself to do something by myself at home I decided to just call it and let this one be a day off. I was feeling a little bad but then remembered after looking at the calendar that holy shit, if you count my two days of “hikes” which honestly were 2 hours each and burned at least 600 calories, then I had actively worked out for the past 15 days in a row. No wonder I wasn’t feeling like working out on Sunday, so I let it be. Mentally I had bigger fish to fry on Sunday.

Yesterday, after having taken Sunday off, I always get that residual backlash where I was not feeling motivated to want to work out. Of course that is never an option on Mondays because that is personal trainer day. I guess that is kind of nice about scheduling them for Mondays. If you don’t feel like it or had a crap weekend it’s a great way to get you back on track fairly instantly. So despite all of my not feeling it, I headed to the gym knowing I was going to get my ass handed to me. I mean, I pay for that after all. My boss was in the office yesterday afternoon so I couldn’t actually leave a few minutes early, so I got to the gym about 5:15 or so. I had like 10 minutes to warm up so I got on the treadmill and went for it for 10 minutes to get the heart rate going.

My personal training session was great. I am actually not fearing them so much anymore. I think it’s partly the fear of the unknown that keeps me nervous about them. But yesterday was my 4th session and I felt much more confident going into it. As per typical I loved it and honestly felt great about the session. Immediately following it I went to a cardio sculpt class. This was actually pretty hard. I was doing great but somewhere around the middle of the class we went to sit down on mats and I sat down wrong and totally tweaked my inner thigh on my left leg. It was instant and excruciating pain. I have never had that happen before. So much so that the whole round of floor exercises I could not do. I couldn’t move my leg for a moment. The leg itself was fine; it was the muscles in the crotch area. Awful pain. I got up and shook it off. There were a few movements I could not do so well, but it seemed like I could continue so I did. I don’t listen to my body so well sometimes. Never have.

I went ahead and did the Turbo kick class afterwards. My mom looked at me and said, are you sure, and of course the answer was I’m going to do it! It was fine honestly. I felt amazing afterward. Basically 1.5 hours of exercise and I burned 750 calories. Awesome times. I was feeling great and then later in the evening I realized that my leg was actually hurting quite a bit. Oops. Delayed reaction. I went to bed thinking it was going to be lights out for me in terms of my leg. Really worried. I actually then ended up having horrible insomnia. I walked around the house from like 1 AM-2 AM. Good times. Too much on my mind I guess. My leg was only eh at this point. Wait, I put a thermacare wrap on it and that seemed to help. I used a back one and just wrapped it really tight around my upper thigh. I slept with it on most of the night, once I actually fell asleep that is. It totally helped.

This morning I actually woke up feeling pretty okay. I’m tired. But that’s just the insomnia catching up with me more than anything else. This morning while I was driving around my eyes REALLY wanted to slam shut on me. I had to stop and run into the store for an emergency energy drink just so that I could keep going. It seemed to do the trick.

I am going to go to the gym tonight, but be conscious of my leg injury. I don’t intend to do anything that is to leg heavy. Tonight I will focus my efforts on my upper body. Actually regardless of my leg issues tonight probably would have been an arm heavy workout anyway, as I feel like I needed it. So lots of weights and machines all designed to work my would be “guns”. At 6 PM tonight they are having what they are calling a “workshop” on weight bars. I am going to do that. Thinking this will mostly be arm stuff.

This post is entirely boring and I apologize for that but this is about as much as I feel comfortable sharing right about now. I have a lot of personal issues running thru my brain that I am just not ready to articulate into any coherent post or thought. So its basic dry boring facts.

Oh, with the exception of yesterday when I was in Portland I totally got hit on. I was getting out the car to go into a masonry supply store and as I walked by a van outside, the guy rolls down his window and sticks his head out of it and yells at me, “Hey.” I turn around as is customary when someone is trying to get your attention. I said, “Hey.” Wasn’t sure what he was wanting. Maybe I parked stupid or did something wrong. Whatever and then they goes…. So classic… “How’s it going?” I wish words could articulate the Joey Tribiani from Friends tone to his voice… Classic…. In that moment it registered what was happening in my brain. I am not really used to these situations so I was like, Fine. My first instinct is always to respond when asked a direct question, even if it’s a stranger. Then he’s like, so what are you doing up here and then he continued to ask a few questions before I had to tell him thanks but no thanks, I am married. Nonetheless it was kind of a nice compliment. He wasn’t exactly my type but he wasn’t creepy or hideous either so that’s a plus. Always nice to be hit on I guess.

Can I just say that mentally I’ve been a little all over the place lately and its causing some emotional duress in my life. With this stress and mental state I do things that are not good for me like get on the scale. I found myself scale hopping much more than I know I should. It just goes with the out of control emotional states. Nonetheless, this morning as I scale hopped, I was incredibly pleasantly surprised by the number. Of course this number could change at moment’s notice so I realize I should not get too attached to it. But it’s a step in the right direction nonetheless. I realize that weight will fluctuate and vary on a daily basis so this is no real indication. But hell it was nice to see a number in the 130’s, albeit high in the 130’s but the second number was still a 3. It was close enough to a 4, that I won’t at all be surprised if I still see a 4 in the second number spot. As long as I fluxuate between that 135-145 range I will be a content happy camper. I have focused so much less on the food and scale part and so much more on the strength and health part. That is ultimately what matters to me.

Okay, I’m getting hungry so I think it must be time for an afternoon snack. Yeah to snacks. I feel like I really need one today. And most likely, scratch that, definitely another afternoon energy drink to barrel myself on thru this otherwise sleep deprived kind of day.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Runner's High

Yee ha, it’s already deeply into Friday afternoon. The day has flown by with lots of actual work taking place. That is good. I am feeling really happy right now, which is a combination of the Friday, looming weekend high and the amazing much needed workout I had last night. I can tell you this; NOTHING in this world makes me feel as alive, amazing and confident as a gloriously killer workout. I think this whole week I was only operating at less than full capacity and therefore was really missing a workout last night. I instantly felt better.

Let me discuss this more in depth. I packed my running shoes last night which means we know I’m ready for a good run. I have gym shoes that are cross trainer type shoes, which I can and have run in, but they aren’t “running” shoes. When I really want to run I break out the exclusively good running shoes. Those puppies adorned my feet last night. Okay I have 3 pairs of good running shoes but that’s beyond the point. I got to the gym and wanted to run a 5k. 3.1 miles. I got on the treadmill and instantly bumped the speed up to 6.2 miles per hour. This puts me in at an even 30 minute 5k. This is a challenging speed. At first it feels pretty comfortable and easy but it’s still challenging. But lately I’ve been noticing that I wasn’t getting the same “high” from this run. Something was missing. For shits and giggles with about 5 minutes to go on my 30 minute run I decided to bump the speed up to 6.5. I have run at a 6.5 before but I’m like, let’s just push myself. Maybe that’s what’s missing. I ran for a couple minutes and realized this still wasn’t producing the “alive” feeling I was craving. So with 3 minutes left I bumped the speed up again to a 7.0. I have never consistently ran at a 7.0. And I was running. I finished out at a 7.0 speed and low and behold I felt AMAZING. There was that high I was missing. After I got of the treadmill I felt on top of the world. I felt that cardio high, all the glorious good things in the world that exercise produce. I felt it. Those endorphins. That ridiculous high. And in that moment I realized that while 6.2 was challenging for me it was also playing it safe. In order to push myself and step out of my comfort zone I have to not be afraid to push a little more. That is where I get those results I am looking for. And the result I wanted was to feel challenged and feel my high.

At this point, it was time for class. It was supposed to be a Zumba class with an awesome little instructor I love. But because of the broken air conditioning situation in the room, which they are supposed to be fixing today by the way, she asked us if we would all be interested in doing an iron power class instead. I was completely game for that. I don’t need class for cardio and would totally prefer a strength training class. We got barbells and went to town. I felt so strong and challenged. It was perfect actually. It pushed me beyond what I would push myself with weights. Again, with the euphoric high feeling. That ended up being about 45 minutes or so of work. And I loved every second of it.

Afterwards I was not done. Basically as much as I loved the strength workout, which I did. I was still thinking about that 7.0 running speed. And I was jonzing to get back on the treadmill. I just wanted to “see” what I could do. 7.0 is hard. It is a full on run for my short legs. I got on the treadmill and immediately went to 7.0 to see if I could do it. I figured I would do intervals of running for a minute or so at 7.0 and then down to a 6.0. I just wanted to try. But after a few minutes, I was like as hard as this is; I just want to keep going. I want to run a mile at a 7.0. I know it will be challenging, but that is the whole point. To feel alive and challenged. It’s so all mental anyway. Mind over matter. Yes I was tired but could I physically do it? Of course I could. So I just decided to do it and therefore I did. I ended up doing a mile run in 8 min. 19 seconds. I was pretty proud of that. I know there are people who can run like 6 or 7 minute miles but for now I am getting faster and that’s good enough for me. Remember I am more of a distance kind of girl than speed. We all know I can string together a 6 mile run in 60 minutes so speed work is entirely new.

After my mile run, I walked a couple minutes and then bumped the speed back up to a 6.2 to finish out another mile. In the end I did a total of 5.25 miles worth of run but more importantly found that high that I was looking for. You know that clarity that can only come from pure unadulterated endorphins pumping through your body. That kind of happy that is better than any drug I could ever put in my body. Not that I have taken drugs to really know. But it’s probably a lot like what I imagine drugs would feel like because I am addicted for sure. I crave that cardio high like you wouldn’t believe. And I ultimately believe that was what was missing this last week. Sure I ran a few 5k’s this week but I didn’t push myself. It’s only when I truly push myself that I get the desired high and sense of accomplishment. Lesson learned. Keep pushing beyond what you think you can do. So yes, on my own, I am capable of pushing myself beyond what I thought I could possibly do.

After I finished up on the treadmill I was done for the night. My efforts clocked in at about 2 hours of exercise and 900 calories burned. Plus honestly one of the most killer strength training sessions I’ve had in a while. Plus I have to say that I am really loving all the trainers at the gym. I never would have guessed I’d be such a gym girl but I am loving it so much. I am developing real relationships with great people and that has also been missing quite a bit from my life as well. I look forward to seeing these amazing, inspiring instructors on a daily basis. I love getting smiles and waves from them from across the gym. It keeps me going. So yes, I have a treadmill, an elliptical machine, a bosu ball, dumbbells, ketteballs, etc., at home. Technically I could pretty much get a killer workout from the comfort of my own home, but I FINALLY understand why people pay money to go to the gym. I understand what I get from there that my home will never be able to afford me. That is inspiration and a sense of belonging. With every day that passes I feel more and more connected to the people there and this is what will keep me going. I’ve already found motivation beyond what I thought was possible for me at this point in my journey. And this is why I believe this time is truly different and I’m never going back. I have a community of experts behind me this time. Yes, I pay them good money to support me, but the relationships and budding friendships are real. My respect and admiration for these strong women is real. It’s the kind of love and admiration I have for so many of my fellow blog writers/readers whom I’ve established real relationships with over the years. This is the same thing, in a real life form and I love it. This is the kind of stuff that makes me think this is what I should be doing with my life. Working in this environment somehow, sharing my stories, and helping others on their journeys. Nothing is more inspiring to me.

I have faced a lot of battles over the past 10 years and learned a lot about myself and the struggles of dealing with weight. Often times I see girls at the gym who are larger, struggling and overhear conversations they are having about not having motivation or thinking it’s possible to really lose the weight. I don’t know how many times I’ve “wanted” to say, keep going, it’s possible. I have done this over and over and it is worth it. That I am living proof of the possibilities. But I keep my mouth shut because no one really wants anyone ease dropping on them. I am not that athletic skinny girl at the gym. Not that I really think people see me as that, but I am sure I look thin enough now for people to think about my back story and certainly no one is going to look at me and realize the battles I have faced with my weight. I don’t ever want to be that girl that people think is a skinny bitch who won’t understand. I have faced every struggle. I know the battle of weight far too well. 10 years of this and I have a thing or two to say to you about it. As I continue to get more fit, my ultimate goal, I will never lose sight of the fat girl that still lives inside of me. This is a choice I make every day to continue to be healthy and ultimately happy with myself.

Tonight I am going to try and sneak out of work an hour early so I can go meet my husband who has the day off to do another hike. Since it gets dark so much later here in the summer I am thinking we can squeeze in a wonderful 7.5 mile hike tonight. It looks like a good one. I’m pretty excited about that really. I love being in nature having fun, being active, not even realizing that you are actually exercising. Perfect!

I plan on getting up and hitting the 9 AM Turbo kick class at the gym tomorrow followed by some free weights. Then I am not positive of my rest of the day but I’m excited about that. I think it’s going to be a great weekend actually. Yes, my mood is much improved due to wonderful exercise I am sure. Free therapy. That’s all cardio is isn’t it? Some really good free therapy. And God knows I need it! Have a fabulous weekend.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

The choice of happiness

I’m feeling a little better today than yesterday. Always a good thing. Not that I was feeling physically bad yesterday just mentally tired of my routine/life. I mean, nothing has changed at all between yesterday and today but somehow it’s ever so slightly better. I mean my job is still annoying the ever-lasting fuck out of me but I suppose from time to time that is going to happen. My work relationship has turned into one of those on call, on demand; I’m your bitch kind of things. While at the gym last night I was taking classes so left my phone in my gym bag, totally normal. Between 6:00 and 7:00 I had 3 missed calls, a voicemail, a text and an email. I get off work at 5 PM my friends. I replied to the email and thought that would do it. Later, about 8:30 I get another email asking for more “info” about something. I responded. 7 AM this morning another email; I responded. I start work at 8:30 AM. This kind of stuff happens a lot but normally it doesn’t bother me like it is right now. I can totally understand the whole beck and call kind of situation if I made more than a measly $12 an hour with not a single benefit at all. No health insurance, no vacation days, no sick days, nothing. Whatever. That’s just me bitching right now.

I’ve read a lot lately about how it’s easier to complain and bitch about our problems so in the spirit of that I want to talk about the positives. God knows I’ve spent too much time dwelling in the negative as of late so it’s time to refocus on the happy positive. I think that we entirely get back from the universe what we put out into it and therefore if I want to return to my happy positive land than I have just simply decide to be happy and make it happen. I wholeheartedly believe this. As a complete general rule I am a happy positive contended person so dwelling in this ridiculous unhappy land for too long starts to take its toll on me?

Oregon has been absolutely beautiful the past week or so. Just gorgeous. I am quite enjoying the beautiful weather. It really does just make you feel better in general. I love wearing tank tops and oh yeah, not being cold all the time. Unfortunately the past week, right when it’s so beautiful outside, the air conditioning inside the group fitness room at the gym broke. It’s been ridiculously hot in the room and therefore they keep cancelling and cutting classes short. Cause frankly, it is like a sauna in the room and then people sweat and the floor gets so sticky and slimy with sweat that doing cardio is dangerous. Good times. Last night I did do my three classes but instead of being 30 minute classes they ended up being like 20 minute low impact classes. Slightly disappointing but at least still a workout. I only managed 450 calories burned but it’s perfectly fine.

I didn’t stick around too much longer after the classes and headed home. Chris went to his dad’s to pick up our tent trailer for next weekend. We are going camping next weekend. Anyhow, that meant I had the house to myself. It was REALLY nice. Sometimes a girl just needs some good quality alone time. I forget how much I just love being in the house by myself to do my girly things. And by girly things that means I totally dyed my hair again (side note: I was in desperate need of a hair dye job and feel so much improved by simply having blonde hair again), and then I did a facial mask at the same time. While I waited for the hair dye to soak up I danced around the house, did a few domestic things and generally just enjoyed having the music cranked and being fancy free. These are generally only things you can do when you are completely alone and have no fear of someone walking in and surprising you expectantly.

Probably because of my calming me evening I am feeling that need to be happy. I mean, my hair looks great today after a fresh dye job so that is reason enough to be happy, right? I’m going with it anyway. I think what I really need is a nice good cardio session. I can talk all I want about strength training and building muscle which I really do love, but sometimes a girl just wants to sweat out her problems with a good run. At my core I am still a runner. Nothing makes me feel as contented and free as a good run. So I think tonight I will at least try and do a 30 minute 5k run. I do not think cardio is bad at all. There is nothing wrong with cardio. In fact I am entirely certain that my intense 5 day a week 60 minute cardio running sessions is a strong factor in how I was able to lose all the weight again at a pace that I am used to. Cardio, cardio, cardio. It will ALWAYS be my go-to. It does so much more for me than burn calories, it clears my mind. Something that is entirely equally important to me. Especially since I’m such a nut job most of the time; I need that.

I really want to focus on the positive and happy so I am going to list 5 things today that I like about myself… ready… go…

1. I am enjoying my emerging arm muscles immensely. They keep me going, working towards something
2. I am learning how to maintain my weight and be healthy. Today the scale was 141.9. Last Thursday it was 141.4 I think, so half a pound. That is normal fluxuation and I am cool with that.
3. I like my never quit, keep fighting attitude. I guess that’s called determination. When I decide to do something; I do it. I ususally can feel pretty confident that I will get it accomplished. It’s a nice trait to be able to believe in yourself I guess
4. I love that I generally have clear skin and a good complexion. Thanks genetics and the help of Philosophy brand skin care products. Awesome! I love that I rarely break out and don’t hate the sight of myself in the mirror without makeup on.
5. Maybe 5 was ambitious, this last one is hard to come up with. I guess in that vein, I will say I love my ability to continue to try. That even when things are hard or no matter how many times its seems I have done something; I am always willing to try again and improve.

We are all continually works in progress and today I am working on it, trying to see more of the happy positive in the daily grind of it all. Maybe I’m just overdue for my weekend. Especially since I did start my period this week and it tends to make me a little hormonal and uneven.

With all that said; smile smile. Cause today I am choosing to just be happy!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Big Shoe Trouble

Oh and just wanted to share, I am in such big shoe trouble today because http://www.zulily.com/new-today/? Has Toms shoes on sale today. $45 instead of $68 or more for the wedges. I have already purchased 4 pairs that I don't already own and I owned a lot of them already in the wedge style. Let's see if I can hold myself back and not order the other colors I don't have. If you want to try the most comfortable wedge shoe ever than I highly recommend!!!

These are the ones I bought today already...


Some days I feel so great; on top of the world actually and then other days I realize how little I really have figured out anything. Today is definitely the later. Today I feel lost for some reason. When you are a little kid when you looked into the future did you really ever see yourself exactly where you are right now; today? If you can honestly answer that with a yes than congratulations more power to you oh and wait, what the hell is your secret? Did you set unbelievably low expectations for yourself or are you just a contended generally happy person? I guess on Facebook I see women who are stay at home moms raising their kids who “appear” to have it all or at least be at exactly the place they want to be at in their lives and I find myself so envious. Not of the stay at home mom part but at the pure happiness they seem to have. Notice how I obviously say all this with a grain of salt because we all know Facebook is probably one of the least accurate portrayals of truth out there but it’s a nice fantasy isn’t it? God knows what is really going on underneath it all. Most people don’t have blogs to document the true neurosis of their inner brain.

Today, this rather ordinary Wednesday, I am having a whole who the fuck am I kind of moment. I’m having a; I haven’t figured out shit and is this what I really want kind of moment. You may ask in reference to what, but the truth is, it’s in reference to everything and nothing all at the same time. How’s that for complicated. I guess it’s just growing pains which I have never been very good at. I am nothing if set in routine, reliable and consistent and the slightest wind in the sails and I don’t like the outcome. I read a pinterest the other night about change being incredibly difficult. Here, I’ll post it;

Nothing in my life has particularly changed other than the slow every day changes that shift and occur but suddenly today I just feel so out of whack. Yup, my chi is off balance. Suddenly today I find myself not sure how the person staring back at me in the mirror is. I feel majorly discontented with every aspect of my life. Like somehow, somewhere I’ve steered myself off course. I wish I knew where that course was supposed to lead me to begin with so I could get back on it, but I don’t know.

I guess I’m just having one of those days where I feel like I’ve missed the boat on something big and crazy that I should be doing in my life. Like somewhere along the way I clearly made a wrong decision. As much as I generally love my job, today I feel miraculously unfulfilled. Like I am wasting away my life sitting in this office. Like this doesn’t make me happy one little bit. And then there is my personal life which has gone thru its series of challenges this past week or so. Really years actually. But nonetheless, like maybe something is missing from all of it. Ugh. I hate that. My brain is being a whiny discontented little bitch today and I just want to make these thoughts dissipate. I’m having a moment of thinking that I am just wasting away the happiest moments of my life. Like maybe I should have been a mom? I would have been a good; albeit slightly crazy mother. Or maybe I should have embarked down a different career path that actually left me challenged and completed.

Funny this is, most of time I really enjoy my life. Most of the time I love my job; am completely contended with the quality of my life, etc. But just lately, those winds of change have shifted ever so slightly and left me wondering what if. What if I could actually be one of those people who was truly happy and got what they wanted out of life? Why do I so consistently stand of the precipice of having what I want and choosing fear instead. Fear keeps one stuck doing exactly what they have always done. Finding excuses as to why things aren’t possible when even I know that anything is possible if you really want it bad enough.

I guess we all want more out of life. I suppose the grass is somehow always greener on the other side. Be thankful for what you do have I guess. Be thankful in the moment that you are presently living because nothing is ever guaranteed.

I sit in my office staring at a pile of work that I need to do but can’t for the life of me get myself to do because I am feeling so uninterested in any of it. I am uninterested in my own life. I blame my period I guess. Damned hormones running amuck. But still, if period hormones can make you question your whole existence isn’t that probably some truth to it? At its core isn’t some part of you slightly off? Maybe I need happy pills, maybe that is the answer. Maybe a little pill in a bottle can take away some of the fuzzy rolling around in my brain. Or perhaps that is my coup out to actually dealing with the real issues. I have a tendency to do that. I run away from all my problems. Like literally don’t answer the phone, ignore the email, walk in the other room, shut down. Anything to avoid having to actually deal with a problem.

And today my biggest problem is how unsatisfied I actually am. I feel like I should/could be doing more with my life. I just don’t know how to get it. This doesn’t make me happy anymore. I feel like in order to be truly happy I need to find a different outlet. I feel like I want to connect more with people than sitting in an office by myself actually allows. Thank God for the internet or else I would certainly had to have quit by now.

I guess I just am having one of those days today. The Wednesday hump of it all. I am sure tomorrow I will feel better as the weekend approaches. At least I hope I will. Happiness is a hard pill to consistently keep down. Some days it just eludes you no matter what you do. No matter what you have in your life I guarantee there is someone wishing for it right now. So as bad or as discontented as I may feel I am certain someone would rather be in my spot right now for sure. I need to keep a mental note of the reality that it can always be worse. I have a good life, I really do. So get over the bitching already!

It’s my lunch time and I am going to go outside in the sun which might help improve my mood a little and of course tonight I have my three 30 minute workout classes to look forward. 1.5 hours of fun! Hopefully stress relieving fun! I just wish I “had” this a little more than I do. That’s all.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Operating at 92%

This is going to be a very quick drive by kind of post. My morning has been really busy thus far and any time now I have to leave the office and deliver a contract for a job we are starting tomorrow to the general contractor’s office about an hour away. This means a solid 2 hours plus in the car driving. When I get back into town I will have more errands to run; fun fun. Aren’t some days just like that?

Anyhow last night went well. I had my personal training session which ended up being entirely weights driven. I really enjoyed it. Not so much about elevating my heart rate but instead focused dedicated lifting which was a nice change of pace. The truth is this… I don’t need a personal trainer to tell me how to do cardio or to elevate my heart rate, I paid a trainer to show me how to lift weights and target areas that I would never do on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I love cardio something fierce, but I just know how to do that on my own. That has always and will always be my go to gym activity. I know how to get on a treadmill. I know how to do the stair climber. It is my passion and I do that quite frequently without any guidance from a trainer. I love that when I am with her I get to work out and do all these other things that I don’t normally do. I actually think it was one of the best training sessions. No, I wasn’t dripping sweat but I was using my arms in ways that I don’t really do otherwise. It was pretty awesome actually. I learned a few new moves to incorporate into my little weight routine I do.

Yes, at work I have 2 five pound dumbbells that I break out pretty much daily and do a little set routine of lifts. It is awesome because it breaks up the day and gets me to be active at my otherwise sedentary job and it doesn’t make me cardio sweaty so it’s cool. Plus I’m exercising at work here and there. Nice. I’m a freak. I like to call it obsessive compulsive but when channeled towards good it can have its benefits I guess.

After my training session I did a cardio sculpt class and then what is quickly becoming my favorite class, Turbokick. So much fun! It wasn’t a killer sweat session last night but that’s okay. Thus, I didn’t burn a ton of calories. Ended up around 600 calories gone but more important than that was all the different stuff I did. Tonight there aren’t classes I want to take so I will be on my own in the gym. Quite frankly I think it’s time for at least a 5K run. I’m trying to be conscious of what the trainers have told me in regards to not overkilling the cardio but a nice 5K is what my body wants and I don’t think that’s too bad. A nice 30 minute run followed by at least 30 minutes of weights. This week I’m still not back to my crazy town attitude in regards to wanting to exercise for 2 plus hours but maybe this is normal and just me balancing myself out. That is probably more the truth. This is probably the normal balance or level of interest I will have in exercise. Enough to go almost daily but not wanting to push myself past an hour or hour and a half. I think that is normal. The shiny new-ness of it all is starting to wear off, but at least I’m still interested in it.

I think when I finally do take my measurements again at the gym that will be some sort of motivation… hopefully… I have this insane fear that I am not really losing any inches. I am not losing anything on the scale I know but I have to have some sort of measurable progress for me to keep giving myself to this so much. Sure, I really do notice muscle growing which I love so that is truly what is keeping me going but it’d be nice if some sort of measureable activity followed. Anyhow, I first got measured on June 17 so I have another week or two but I’m already looking forward to that. I have really worked VERY hard this past month and would love to see some results. Of course my food is still all over the place and I’ve heard pretty much every one say that the exercise is nice and all but everything that is truly happening in your body is pretty much because of nutrition. Like 80% about food, 20% exercise.

I still have fabulous great days and then just shitty periods of time. I guess it’s because at my core I am a food addict. I just love good food and some days I just want to be able to eat chips and candy. If I cared a smidge more, I probably wouldn’t find myself so often eating crap foods but I generally think I care enough. It doesn’t rule me 24/7. Most of the time I eat healthy and then I throw in the things that I crave but seriously I couldn’t live if I couldn’t eat good tasting stuff. I’d fail.

Anyway this week is already much better than last week but I am not 100%... I’d say I’m at like a 92% in terms of motivation and drive. I actually think 92% is pretty damned good. I’ve had weeks where I teetered at 50% as to whether I wanted to do this or not. So a 92% is great all things considered.

It’s only Tuesday so I probably won’t feel better until later in the week and especially after I run my errands today that I don’t want to do. I guess sometimes it’s nice to get out but seriously driving for hours is never fun. Ah well.

Monday, July 8, 2013

A 4 day roller coaster

A Monday morning after a 4 day weekend is particularly ridiculous. I don’t like it one bit! I’d just say serious crap for sure. My heart is conflicted I want to do all the things I need to do to catch up personally but then I have that whole professionally speaking work stuff to catch up on as well. Balance it all. Tough. My 4 day weekend was a mixed bag. Some high highs, some low lows. As a general rule I have been off all last week.

I had some personal stuff going on in my life that was obviously playing into all aspects of my life. It was a rough week and by the end of the week I was emotionally exhausted and drained. Friday night ended up being particularly painful. Wait, let me back up. Last I spoke, or wrote, it was Wednesday. So let me get in my little mental time machine and back pedal to what feels like forever ago.

Wednesday night after work I went straight to the gym for some good class time, oh a visit with the health girl at the gym to discuss food a little. That was actually quite interesting really. We discussed nutrition and of course in relation to me and my goals. Basically she told me that I should not be doing cardio. That clearly it was time to build muscle and get my foundation base down and the cardio was just sucking all the nutrients and muscle from my body. Which always leaves me feeling so conflicted. How can getting my heart rate up and running be bad for me???

Honestly by the end of Wednesday night I was exhausted. I have been going going non-stop like the energizer bunny to the gym and was tired. Thursday morning I woke up and decided it was time to weigh myself. Thursday AM has always been my weigh-in day. Since my Maui trip I only have scale hopped like 2 times at random times on the scale and did not entirely like what I saw. The previous Thursday I weighed myself and was freaked out. I actually say 144.6 on the scale. This upset me greatly and I was mad. I was fearing that all the strength training and building of muscle was obviously fucking with the numbers. But since I had not officially done a Thursday morning weigh in since Maui I decided to go with the number and weigh myself again this week to compare. As long as it stayed the same or went down I was going to be okay. Well, this Thursday my body shifted and I weighed 141.4. Ah, better. Pre Maui I was 141 pounds. I can entirely take 141.4 and live with that. As long as I’m between 140-145 I will be happy. 144.6 was just too close to 145 that’s all. So 141.4 and I have this extra muscle I’ve never seen before. Yup, I’ll take it.

Obviously in lite of the scale Thursday morning I was a happy girl. It was 4th of July and I decided despite days and days in a row of exercise that I needed to go to the gym to stay on track for the day. I managed about an hour workout and left. Mentally I just wasn’t there. I had a fine 4th of July. I ended up eating too much as I could have predicted but whatever. Friday morning I woke up fine. I did some errands and REALLY didn’t feel like working out. I dragged my ass to the gym Friday afternoon and again did about 60 minutes before I told myself to just leave. I can tell when my mental fatigue sets in because I just don’t want to do it anymore. I just don’t care. I was so drained from so much of what was occurring in my personal life that I went home and pretty much had a freak out Friday afternoon. About 4 PM I just lost it and unfortunately the entire freaking evening went as horribly as one could expect. I was in a deep dark little hole that I could not drag myself out of. Stuff was said and done that was highly regrettable. I was up very late in my dark state of tears and confusion. Mentally exhausted. I ended up finally going to bed and just wanted to sleep. By some miracle or insane force more likely Saturday morning I made myself get out of bed to hit at 9 AM Turbokick class. I told myself that if I went to 9 AM Turbokick that I could be done with exercise until Monday night. So despite my lack of sleep, I got up and went to Turbokick.

Which means that I went to the gym and did a lot of exercise for 8 days in a row. I could feel it. Mentally I felt it. Saturday though I did feel better. Whatever horrible place I was in Friday night I was able to kind of pull myself out of a little Saturday morning. I went to Saturday Market and walked around and got fresh produce and flowers and was outside and it was great. My Saturday was kind of relaxing which really helped things improve. But I did end up eating like crap again. Oh well. Baby steps.

Yesterday, after a good night’s sleep on Saturday I finally was starting to feel better. I decided that perhaps a nice hike in the woods was in order. Boy oh Boy, that hike in the woods was PERFECT. Exactly what the doctor ordered. Calm. Peaceful. Yet still a workout. My mental attitude improved with every step out there in mother nature. Amazing. When I do stuff like that I am reminded how much I love Oregon and am always shocked that I don’t do it more often. It was really perfect!

This is what I discovered from my walk. Somewhere around 1 ½ hours of intense terrain hiking I realized that I was in extraordinary physical shape. I don’t say this to gloat or brag but more as in oh my god, I am in awe. My husband was huffing and puffing and he has always been in good shape. He is a physically active kind of guy. I was so good to go it wasn’t even funny. I could have hiked for hours upon hours. I felt great. We ended up doing 2 hours 10 minutes of intense hiking and I burned 625 calories. But more importantly I had an amazing head clearing time. Nature is amazing! But the realization that I am an athlete was far more priceless. I am strong and in shape. My legs were not tired, they could climb and climb. I felt good. Those feel good endorphins came rushing back for sure.

I ended Sunday night feeling much better about things. Lots of things. Life things. Nothing is ever perfect and nothing helps when you find yourself in a funk. We all get those super depressive moments where life is not going the way you want or wish it would. Sometimes we just have to give in and be sad and pray tomorrow is a new day. I ate too much as a general rule this 4 day weekend. But that’s okay. I am right back on the straight and healthy today. Today is a new week. Today I can pick myself back up and get back on track. Today I have personal training which is going to kick my ass. I’m not dreading it as much as I did last week but I’m still nervous! Can’t escape that feeling. I am sure I will feel happy and strong and accomplished afterwards.

Personal training, then 2 classes at the gym and then I will be ready to go home!!! Glad I get a fresh start at it today. Hoping this week goes more smoothly than the last!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

It's Friday, right???

So today is my Friday. Yippee Skippy!!! Needless to say I have been incredibly less than productive at work pretty much all day. Can we say worthless… Ha… But one of my bosses, (all 3 of them happen to be off today by the way so who really is the slacker?), sent me an email saying that there is a 3:30 PM job start meeting that I need to attend because he is gone. I loathe construction meetings because inevitably I am the ONLY girl and mixed among this sea of construction men I feel retarded because guess what I am ultimately just a secretary and don’t really know how to do masonry work so most of it is really lost of me. Whatever, I go to show my face and say I went and that’s about it. Of course that means after this construction meeting I am taking off for the day.

I set up an appointment at the gym with a personal trainer (not mine but another one who is big into nutrition) to kind of talk nutrition for a moment, and I set that up for 5 PM, given I don’t technically get off work until 5 PM I clearly have to leave early.

This is my night schedule:

5:00 PM: Nutrition Meeting
5:30 PM: Butts and Guts (30 min class)
6:00 PM: Cardio Conditioning (30 min class)
6:30 PM: Turbokick (30 min class)

After that I will be ridiculously spent because these are not easy classes. I knew I was going to have a nice long evening tonight so last night I really was less than productive at the gym. Ultimately I decided to not push myself and call it my rest night for sure. I rationalized that I worked out HARD Saturday, Sunday and Monday and deserved a little breather last night especially in light of the schedule tonight. And then I will exercise tomorrow morning because the gym is open, I don’t have any spectacular AM plans and basically I want to get in some solid healthy living pre- Fourth of July BBQ.

Since I have Friday off I will probably end up exercising again anyway, so really not working that hard last night was probably okay for me. I literally did like 45 minutes of weights, BARELY. I didn’t even sweat and since I just professed that I am a terrible disgusting sweater that lack of sweat = not working hard for me. Whatever.

So I just read a little quote that said, “It’s no longer about “skinny.” Now it’s all about “healthy”. I really liked that because this has got to become my new motto. I no longer just want to be skinny, I really want to be that healthy fit girl that people look at and go yeah, she’s in shape. At least I have to keep reminding myself of that because I have to focus this attention and energy on something other than the scale that does not want to move at all. I honestly believe that the scale could/should move more but it’s not so therefore I have to go with the concept that I am the healthiest I’ve ever been, I’ve been protein loading and helping to build the strong muscles that I have been talking about forever and therefore the scale can’t possibly be right.

I truly believe that. That scale cannot measure the muscle that I see in my arm and it certainly cannot measure the level of happiness and satisfaction I feel when I look in the mirror and see those muscles. That is priceless.

I am going to meet with this trainer because she is like this crazy food Nazi type who should be able to help me discuss what I should eat a little more to fuel my workouts and build my muscle mass. No, I’m not looking to be a muscle fitness girl, I just want to look healthy and strong while still being feminine and sexy you know. Nothing too much to ask for right, ha  truly I think meeting with her is going to be awesome, she’s a great resource to have and I am all about the more knowledge you have the better.

Anyway, I’m pretty ready for the day to be done. About an hour until my “meeting” and then I’m out of here. Hell yes. Hope everyone has a fabulous 4th of July. Can’t believe it’s the 4th of July already. Crazy town!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Hard and Exhilarating at once

A rare afternoon post which means while typing this out I am consuming a Monster Energy drink, my usual go to afternoon energy source. But for some reason today I am totally feeling it. Like on what has otherwise been a fairly shitty past 24 hours I am feeling strangely over energetic… ha… All I’m going to say is that while I am growing in lots of ways, my personal life is experiencing growing pains of its own. I made a decision quite some time ago that this time around I would not broadcast my relationships ups and downs on this site so I will honor that and simply say last night was a VERY rough night. As we all know every single human relationship or interaction requires 2 to Tango so no one is blameless. Enough said.

Instead let’s discuss my gym trip last night because that is what I am at liberty to discuss at ridiculously great lengths and in great detail on this site. Granted last night was only my second personal training session in like a million I bought. Ha. Technically I haven’t paid for them all yet because it’s a monthly deduct but whatever, I committed, I signed the legally binding contract so I guess those sessions are mine by law now. Anyway, point is it’s only the second one and thus far my general demeanor is to be scared and fearful. I am not sure that will ever change actually. I think it’s my personality. I am generally an anxious and nervous type person I guess. Maybe someday I will actually come to not be as fearful but I think that is highly unlikely. I like to people please way too much and I’m just always afraid I won’t do good enough.

Let me just sum up personal training in a few sentences. Hard. Exhilarating. I can’t believe you pay someone so much money to torture you so much. That is my general thoughts on it. Oh yeah, and ultimately I am completely in love with it. Wish I could remember that come next Monday. I am sure I won’t and will be back to dreading it.

I got to the gym at 5 or so and did a quick warm up 20 minute 2 mile run. Burned 200 calories. Excellent. Then it was training time. I like my trainer more and more each time we meet so that is nice as well. These were my observations from last night’s workout. I am one sweaty ass mess of an exerciser. I literally have sweat dripping from me non-stop. So much so that half-way thru Julie asked me, “Are you generally a big sweater?” She was checking to make sure I wasn’t like dying or something because I was literally leaving every piece of equipment I touched drenched. Pretty sick but also kind of cool. She said she really likes it when people sweat because it shows that I’m working. My heart rate really does amazingly jump pretty high and then plummet pretty quickly as well. The stuff I did last night was HARD. During it I am always like I love to hate this or I hate to love this. Take your pick at which it is. I loved every horrible awful minute of it. And a few of them were really rough going. Some of the stuff is obviously completely out of my normal wheel-house and therefore challenged me in all these ridiculous new ways. I suspect this is going to be how it is forever really. The moment I am not challenged and dripping sweat like an insanely large man is the day that personal training isn’t working anymore and I suspect that will be never. There’s always some way to make it more challenging and crazy and I’ve barely started.

Did I mention that after 30 minutes I was so ready to be done? Like I don’t think my body could have taken another minute of that intensive one on one stuff. I burned 300 calories which is pretty much my max of what I can burn. When I am full bore, which is what running does for me and my heart rate is engaged at its max, I burn about 100 calories in 10 minutes. We are talking max heart rate my friends. Typically only running really produces that for me which is probably why I love it so much. I rarely get that from any amount of strength stuff. Yup, 30 minutes, 300 calories from my personal training torture. It’s pretty intensive go, go for a full 30 minutes.

So my trainer looked at me last night and said, and I quote… “Do you have any idea how tiny you really are?” I kind of shook my head and shrugged. And she followed up by saying, “No seriously, I know you’ve lost weight a couple times so maybe you don’t realize that you are a tiny girl. Do you really know how small you look?” Since she was apparently asking me a real question I had to stop and think about a real answer and I said, “I guess not. I know I’m smaller than I once was, but I guess I don’t know.” I think she was working on some of the mental as well as the physical huh.

The thing is, I don’t see myself as tiny at all. I see so many women at that gym that I consider tiny and I’m not even in the same ball park. It’s funny because I honestly can look into the gym mirrors and see someone who is fat. I mean this woman, my trainer, is truly TINY. Like I swear she weighs 110 pounds, maybe 100. Tiny little thing. That’s tiny to me. I don’t hate myself or the woman I see in the mirror. I don’t. I don’t think I look huge or anything but I don’t see tiny. Period. I am just not built “tiny”. I have hips and I have curves. I have a shape that is womanly and I wouldn’t trade that for a size 100 frame. Honestly I wouldn’t. I want to be curvaceous. Just toned and sexy. Sexy is the word that comes to mind. Yup, I want someday to look at myself and see a sexy woman. Maybe those pin-up shots I’m going to take will help.

I can tell you that in the past two weeks that I have backed off from daily running and instead done more strength training I have seen a huge difference in my arms. I have muscles. I seriously kid you not have freaking arm muscles, something I have NEVER had. I guarantee they are not huge and hopefully will eventually grow and get more noticeable even when I’m not flexing. However, for 2 weeks’ worth of training I am quite thrilled with the progress. That alone makes what I’m doing worthwhile. Even if nothing else budges for me, I feel progress in 2 weeks and that is so cool. This is the shit that keeps me excited and motivated and focused on my get healthy goals!

After my training session I immediately went into a 6:00 PM, Cardio Sculpt class. Another hard one, 30 minutes, burned 200 calories and then immediately following that was 6:30 Turbo Kick, now this was intensive and I loved every single minute of it despite my growing exhaustion. Yes, 1.5 hours of continual non-stop activity and I was feeling tired. I burned another 300 calories making my total for the day 2 hours, 1000 calories. And I truly did feel amazing last night until I got home and had to deal with life. That’s probably why I like the gym so much, I can block out the rest of life sometimes and just focus on the endorphins and getting “high!” the natural way.

Tonight I am back to the gym, but it will be a lot less cardio tonight. I am cardio-d out. Ha Ha, something I never thought I’d say. Since I didn’t do any free weights or machines last night, I think that is what I will focus my time on tonight. I will burn less calories but I need a bit of a break since tomorrow night is another 1.5 hours’ worth of 3 classes in a row that I am looking forward to. Therefore I must rest tonight more.

For some reason it suddenly feels like the end of the week to me and not a Tuesday at all. My bosses are leaving tomorrow for a long weekend and I guess I just have to work tomorrow and then I have a four day weekend. Excellent! Tonight is easy night at the gym, tomorrow night is a nice 2 hour kick ass fest and then Thursday is the 4th of July, but I am thinking I will start the day with some gym time to get me high and hopefully keep me on track with my eating for the rest of the day. We will see. I don’t have any significant plans for Friday-Sunday; other than be healthy. Considering I just found out I don’t have to work Friday it’s not shocking I have no immediate plans.

For the record I truly don’t think I am or will ever be “tiny” but it’s a nice compliment coming from a tiny active trainer at a gym. I’ll take it. Eventually I think I just said thank you even if I didn’t fully believe it in my heart.

And one last note, despite the very rough night last night and issues that never go away, today is officially the 9 year anniversary of the day I met Chris. 9 whole years. Holy freaking cow.