Backing it up Friday night was a great run. I felt awesome. That’s what happens when you take a night off, I was in fact fierce Friday night and I felt amazing doing it. Saturday morning I got up and immediately put on workout clothes and headed to the gym with my mom. Hmm… what to say about the gym. I have never been a gym person for the simple reality that I have to many fucked up body issues looming in my head. I realize that no one is watching me or cares how I look while exercising or even how I look period. I completely get this. It’s not everyone else I care about so much. It’s me. Much like I am not to weigh myself except for once a week on the designated weigh in day, I think for the most part its best for me to avoid gyms for the same reason. They both fuck with my head and inner psyche. They throw me off my plan.
I can feel great about myself and great about a workout and then if I saw a number on the scale it would totally fuck up my day because inevitably it would somehow wouldn’t be good enough. Or if it was good enough and I didn’t do any better later in the week or worse if that number earlier was somehow manages to be a little higher on my official weigh-in day I would go into crazy town. No one needs crazy town. It just makes me feel bad about myself. I have completely come to grips with the weighing in the one and only time each week. It is what I must do to stay sane.
So now on to the gym. My brain has issues. Not that anyone severely overweight doesn’t have some mental issues that cause them to gain the weight, etc. I am a smart girl, I completely understand this. But somewhere in the back of my head I am never good enough or thin enough. I so desperately want to be fashionable and cute and desirable. Yes, I am now married and my husband tells me he loves me all the time and I know he desires me and that is wonderful. I won’t complain about that. It’s not that I want men to want me. That’s not really what I’m saying. I guess I want to want me. I want to be the image that society creates that is completely fucked up. Even though I know deep down its stupid and not real and not necessary and ultimately I can NEVER been the Barbie doll I love so much. (Yes, I am the hugest Barbie doll fan even today!).
I understand logically that I can’t be more than I am. For the most part I completely accept that and am happy with the person I see in the mirror. I am happy with the strides I have taken. I am happy with my place in the world. Sometimes going to a gym, even one as nice and low key as the one my mom goes to, just fucks with the head. There always has to be those ultra-skinny bitches who are literally trying to be Barbie dolls. Me and my mom were on a weight machine and right in front of us was the FAKEST girl I have seen in a while. She probably was 22-24ish. She had dyed blond hair. So do I, so of course that unto itself didn’t bother me. But she had that dyed hair with the horrible black roots. It looked tacky. And then she must have been maybe like 110-120 pounds. My perception is way off when it comes to weight so it’s possible she weighed 100 pounds. I don’t know, I’ve never been anywhere near that weight so I have no idea. But the killer to all this is she had the most gigantic pair of FAKE boobs ever. You could tell they were fake because they looked so ridiculous and out of proportion to her entire body. It was really quite sad actually.
So the reality is I have zero desire to be anything like this girl. Mostly I found myself feeling sad for her because to be so obviously sexual she probably has low self-esteem or self-worth issues. I like my life, I love my husband and I don’t need and or want big old fake ridiculous boobs. I am happy with my place in the world. I love my life actually. I just can’t help it if seeing a group of young fake girls sparks some sort of mental thing in my brain. Maybe it’s a missed out on youth. I wouldn’t trade where I am in my life for anything but I missed out on being young and desired. I flew threw 16-25 being incredibly overweight and having never kissed a boy. My husband is the one and only man I have ever kissed. Again, I am okay with all this. I just think in terms of gyms they tend to bring out the anxiety in me. They bring out the jealousy and crazy Emily.
I think what I realized on Saturday a little bit too is that I was sad because I am not physically where I want to be. Sure I can run. But I think I am jealous of the people I saw at the gym who are fit and doing the things I wish I could do. I know jealousy is a stupid emotion because I could work hard and do it but sometimes you just have to know your limits.
Now with all this said, it wasn’t that bad and I had a good time. I know that sounds contradictory to what I just said above but the reality is those were fleeting moments and thoughts that I am choosing to dwell on here on this blog, but while I was at the gym I felt okay and I did have fun. I did some of the weight machines which were nice and I did try the rowing machine which was fun.
But the number one thing I completely fell in love with was a bosu ball. I have seen them obviously a million times before but I had never gotten on one. Um… Oh my… I am completely smitten. I love the thing so much. So much so that I came home and promptly ordered this bad boy from amazon…
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00012PDMW/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00
I know its a little less quality than the ones at a gym but the reviews are mostly positive and I am not going to be doing industrial strength shit on it so I think it should be fine. It has shipped and it will arrive tomorrow. I am excited. I love balancing on it so much that I thought I would totally do it around my house all the time. I will let you know how that goes.
After the gym my mom and I ran some shopping/couponing errands and then we went back to her house and I spent the evening organizing coupons and getting ready for my Sunday morning coupon shopping. In the world of coupons Sunday mornings are a big deal. New ads come out on Sunday so you must be at Rite-Aid and Walgreens first thing Sunday morning. It is a lot of work getting your stuff organized and coupons ready for the Sunday morning deals. I was pretty tired Saturday night and then I woke up to be at my mom’s house at 7:30 on Sunday and then we were at Rite Aid when they opened a 8 AM. We spend all morning doing our couponing. We got done around 12:30 or 1-ish. My mom went to a movie with my sister and I came home to organize and clean up a little.
I actually cleaned out some clothes and got out some bags of the clothes that were previously too small to wear. I went thru them and found some new shirts to wear out of my old clothes. That is always nice. I really at this point was exhausted and didn’t want to run, but remembering my promise to myself I changed and ran. Once I got going it felt good, as it always does. I ran 10 miles and called it good. My husband was home by then and we had a lovely pork dinner and that was pretty much it.
My eating was pretty good this weekend overall. My food didn’t go over but I did lack some water. It is always harder to be away from my work routine. I am pretty pleased with my weekend overall. Since getting back into the couponing a little more it really has released some of the pressure on the dieting that I put on myself. It’s nice to be busy I guess. Too busy to really worry about what the scale is doing. Instead just eat well, exercise and get thru the rest of my life. There simply are no shortcuts or quick fixes to any of this. It just takes time and of course a little hard work from time to time.
1 comment:
It is amazing what all you can do with the Bosu ball. My trainer has had me to do burpees, pushups, squats, etc. Lots of variations.
I also can get stuck in the bad warped negative self talk when I go in to the gym. Even if I have just had a kick ass workout but catch a glimpse of myself in the 1 million mirrors it can bring my mood crashing down. It's like in my head it undoes every good thing I just accomplished. But that is kind of the story of my life, I tend to let my struggle with food and weight overshadow every other accomplishment I have ever had.
It's nice that you can use your posts as a way to keep yourself accountable. But I would hate for you to think you have to be perfectly on track for people to enjoy reading about your thoughts and where you are in life. You are so much more than this one aspect of your life. I hope you know that.
Hmm, maybe I should start emailing you through facebook instead of always writing super long comments on your posts:)
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