Friday, March 29, 2013

Appreciation

I am so happy it is Friday. I mean, tremendously happy. While it is a lot of work, I am so looking forward to having everything set up this weekend for the garage sale. I am so anal retentive that I’ve spent the last 3 nights doing that and it looks really good already. It honestly shouldn’t take us too long to do tomorrow and then I will just be happy to have it completed. Plus, I love me some weekend time.

Last night I completely stuck to my plan. I came home and immediately ran. It turned out to be a nice run, but it was day 4 in a row so I am definitely needing a break today. Today is my dedicated day off. I actually I have contrived a mental schedule for me for the upcoming week. Today is rest day. I run Saturday and Sunday. Monday is day off (will be a crazy busy presale day). Then somehow I am going to fit in runs on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night. I am not 100% sure how that will happen, but some way it will. Friday night is off because that is real garage sale set up. Saturday will be garage sale so completely no run at all. I will be crazy tired. And then Sunday will be back to my regular normal life. We will see how I do with all that.

Anyway, back to last night. I did run and then almost thereafter my mom and sister brought over there boxes of stuff. I then went to work on setting up more stuff. I am kind of like the energizer bunny sometimes when it comes to working towards a goal. When I have a goal/end in mind I just work and work as much as I can to accomplish it. I guess that is how I can be successful at weight loss too. It’s kind of the same mentality. I work and work to get exactly where I want to go.

I have been thinking today about how happy and comfortable I am at my present weight of 155. I also know that many times past I have not been happy at 155. I know I’ve started weight watchers a few times in my life at like 160-170… Clearly not being happy at 155. But I then thought of something else. This is my body at 155 pounds with 6 solid months of a bare minimum 4 workouts a week up to 6 workouts a week. This is not a 155 pound body without months of exercise. I guess my point is I have some lower leg muscles like you wouldn’t believe. Rock solid calves. That is 6 months of running 40 miles a week or thereabouts. The rest of me unfortunately is not that toned, but there is simply no way that I don’t have muscles in other places behind the fat and skin… yes, I do have that inevitable extra stomach skin that never seems to go away.

While the scale does say 155 pounds and I am completely fine with that, happy really, I feel so much better because this is an exercisers 155 pound body. A runner’s 155 pound body. Dare I even say an athlete? I have a hard time calling myself an athlete because I would fail miserably at just about any physical activity other than maybe running distance. I probably bet I couldn’t even beat someone in a flat out sprint because for me it’s all about endurance.

I was having a conversation with my sister yesterday on the phone about the gym and treadmills and running,etc. By the way she is doing good with her personal trainer sessions, but she is NOT dropping tons of weight and still trying to remain focused on the bigger picture of being healthy and converting fat into muscle by working out with a trainer 2 times a week.

Anyway, she told me that she HATES the treadmill. She is supposed to do a 30 minute cardio session 5 times a week but she HATES treadmill. I am baffled, but not really. I told her the truth is I think more people hate the treadmill than love it. It is all mental. She said she just is so bored and its torture that she just stares at the timer waiting for the seconds to tick by but that it goes so slow. I imagine if I was staring at the timer I would probably feel the same way. When I don’t really “feel” it and I’m struggling I can see where this mentality comes from. I can feel that way. I feel so blessed honestly that I am able to mentally put myself into a place, a zone really, where I am just running and I can get lost in my own brain for an hour or so and not focus on the numbers on the machine. It is therapy for me. It is the high I crave. It is the drug for my addictive personality. I feel so fortunate that I have that. If I didn’t love running the way I do I guarantee I would not be able to lose weight the way I do. I burn 1000 calories a night running. Plus it builds that muscle that burns more calories and makes me feel strong. Or at least my calves anyway.

I am not sure I have a total point to all this, other than A. as I always thought she is never going to be a runner B. Thank God I am crazy enough to zone out and thrive on a treadmill and C. I probably love my body at 155 pounds because of that treadmill.

I am not joking if my treadmill broke I would immediately A. have to fix it and if it were not fixable within a day or two I would be buying a new one. It’s that important to me. It’s basically essential to my well-being. That's what emergency funds are for and holy shit a broken treadmill would constitute a REAL emergency for me! Ha….

In all the times I’ve lost weight and been 155 pounds I can honestly say and believe that I have never been at this good of a place mentally. I honestly know that the other girl I become, that fat girl isn’t coming back this time. I will gain weight back I am certain of that in my life. But 10-15 pounds tops, I won’t let her win ever again. I’ve gotten it more figured out. I guess that is the beauty of age. Yes, you grow older but I actually really do believe you grow wiser. 33 year old Emily rocks as far as I’m concerned. I wouldn’t trade her for any other version of me. This is the one I am happiest with by far. Scars (both physical and emotional) and all.



I came across this picture the other day and I thought it perfectly illustrated that whole age-old debate about fat vs. muscle weight. It’s the same old story, a pound is a pound is a pound. A pound of muscle is still a pound. A pound of fat is still a pound. The difference is that the volume that pound of muscle takes up is much less, as illustrated below. This picture just makes perfect sense to me. And helps to explain what I am thinking or rather wishful thinking is happening in my body right now. I may be 155 pounds but I am hopefully, after 6 months of running, made up of a few more of those muscle pounds than I once was.



I’m afraid my afternoon is going to drag on now though. I just want to go home already and get to it. It looks like we might have sun and I want to be outside and doing stuff, getting ready for my garage sale. I’m eager to get to it because the sooner I get to it, the sooner I see the results of my efforts. I really am a results oriented kind of girl. 3 ½ hours left of work. I’ve got this…. Have a fabulous weekend!!!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Everything is different



This quote has been sticking in my mind for weeks. I think about it a lot. It’s not as if day by day I notice any real changes in my body. In fact if I’m being completely honest most of the time I have no idea change is occurring and can often feel defeated by it all. But if you look back, everything is different. Nothing could be truer than that. It’s been pretty much a little less than 6 months since I ventured down this path again and I am so far removed from that girl I could cry from happiness.

Today I lost 2.2 pounds which puts me at 65 pounds lost total. I am 1 pound shy of losing 30% of my original body weight. That is HUGE. While I can’t notice the changes on a daily basis, there is simply no denying that looking back everything is vastly different. I went from 220 pounds to 155 pounds as of today. 155 has always been a very comfortable happy weight for me. I will work towards my 140/145 weight but honestly in my heart I kind of suspect that the place where I will be most able to maintain my weight is 155. I am not quitting now, I am going to keep going but I can say with honestly that I love my body at 155 pounds. This is good to know because if this is the ultimate place where I have to end up in order to actually live my life than I am okay with that. To document the day, I went ahead and took some new pictures…



I am still going to work hard to get to my goal because we all know that at 155 pounds and 5 foot 3 inches I have weight to lose but I am happy. I am comfortable in my own skin again and that is the most important thing to me.

Last night I stuck true to my word and came home and immediately ran. I did a nice 8 mile run again and then immediately went into garage sale set up mode. When it is all set up on Saturday I will take pictures and post them so you can see the magnitude of the work that is involved in this set up. I think seeing is believing so I really will take photos. It’s basically like setting up your own store. Lots of work. Anyhow, I work on thru and get shit done. It’s what I do.

I really am excited for my loss today as I’ve said the last week has been less than stellar. I really can’t believe I am 10 pounds away from the goal I set for myself at the start. And honestly I can’t believe it’s been 6 months. It really doesn’t feel like that long at all. And yet, it seems like this is just a part of my life now and I simply can’t imagine not caring about what I eat and not exercising. Crazy that after 6 months it really is simply my lifestyle. I am very happy with my life right now.

I can honestly say that so far 2013 has been very good to me. 2012 was not the best year of my life but 2013 is shaping up to be pretty incredible. I am one thrilled puppy today!

Tonight is more of the same. I run and then my sister and mom are bringing over there garage sale stuff and it’s more sorting, etc. It’s all on track for this girl especially with all the challenges that this week is going to bring for me. I REALLY need to stay solidly on track. Garage sale time is crazy for me but I am so happy that I was still able to lose last week, now I just have to make it thru this complicated week and then it’s downhill from there in terms of the difficulties. One week. I got this!



Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Caution: Crazy days ahead

I am glad it is Wednesday afternoon already. That means the week is officially half over… it has gone by so fast and that is kind of cool. I say cool because I feel like I have been so busy the past couple days that I haven’t given any thought to my food/exercise at all… and you know what… it has all been spot on. That means, in the midst of being crazy busy without thinking too much about it I ran and I ate healthy. Last night I came home and keeping with my schedule of to-do’s I immediately got on the treadmill and ran. I considered it another important thing that I had to take care of on my list. 8 mile run… done. Check.

I got off the treadmill at pretty much the same time my husband was pulling into the driveway. I immediately turned my attention to the yard sale signs that I needed to make. Chris mowed the lawn and then we converged on emptying some stuff out of the shed to pull out the boards for shelving. We did some more stuff around the house and then headed to Home Depot. We picked up 3 shelving units for the garage sale and a new ladder that we desperately needed. We then came home and I finished my yard signs and Chris tarped off one side of the garage and then we assembled the new shelves and put up the board shelves. It was an incredibly productive night. I felt great about what we accomplished! However it was late before we got to bed. The reality was, it was around 11:30 before I got my ass to bed. I am tired today because of it.

That’s okay. We all know I will push thru because I am a determined girl. Tonight I will run again, as is second nature and then I will work on unloading some product onto my newly assembled shelves. While I haven’t exactly been feeling this whole health and wellness thing, I am proud of the notion that despite being busy and my life being complicated right now I am still managing great choices. I haven’t given tomorrow mornings weigh-in much thought to be honest. My weekend was really rough, but Monday-Wednesday have been perfectly on track. I honestly can’t even predict what the scale will do. I know I’ve had 2 great weigh-in’s in a row so if its not great that’s fine too. I’m at the point where I seriously have so much more to think about than the scale and for the next two weeks I will take it.

This weekend we set up the garage sale and then all next week we have family presales in the evenings and then we are doing a Saturday only garage sale on April 6 and then another Saturday only sale on April 13. The nice thing is, the week in-between the sales should be easy going, no more evening sales, etc. Really my crazy week is next week, although this week has felt pretty crazy as well.

I don’t have a ton to say on the whole healthy living front, because I am just making it thru and not really going there. I think I’m entitled to phone it in once in a while. I ran to Safeway today, because I didn’t get to yesterday and picked up some more Oikos Greek yogurt. That is definitely going to be a later afternoon snack. Love it so much!!!

I don’t think I really have anything else profound to say, but I still came here and wrote shit anyway… I will definitely be back tomorrow and let you know what the scale says… I’m awfully curious myself.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

She is going down!

A good friend of mine sent me this quote on facebook yesterday…



I am in love. Thank you Theresa!!! This pretty much sums up everything I’ve been saying this time around. It actually is quite fitting. I will beat her!!! This time she is going down for good. I love it so much. I may have hiccups along the road because God knows we all do, but I am determined that this time I will finally win. I really am a much different person now than at any other point in my life so I keep holding on to that reality.

Anyhow, despite yesterday or rather despite the weekend I managed a solid day yesterday. I came home and ran. Did an amazing run actually. That is what happens when I take a day off; my legs feel like they can go forever. But I secretly suspect that I don’t work as hard because I don’t sweat as much because it’s easier because I took the previous day off…. Picky, picky.

I had a great day of eating but have to admit something. The past week I have become really bad about writing down my food. I have become pretty damned complacent really and haven’t been tracking my food all that much. I’m kind of wondering if I should try the whole listening to my body thing and not worry so much about tracking. Just eat healthy good foods and eat a filling snack when I’m hungry and just see where that takes me. I don’t know.

I’m coming up on my incredibly busy garage sale week. In fact we are setting up for the sale this Friday/Saturday so there is lots of prep work I am working on this week. I kind of feel like a chicken with my head cut off. I have a list of errands to run and things to do before Friday. I am working Friday but my mom and sister have the day off and therefore will be setting up some while I am at work. Once it’s set up its presale time and this means next week is going to be CRAZY and my workouts are going to be very hard to get in. I will be incredibly lucky to get 3 or 4 workouts…. I am not making any promises at all. Sometimes for just a week we have to put exercise on the back burner because something else truly is more important. I need to make the money so I can afford to pay for my Maui vacation and my luxuries I have become accustomed to.

I’ve got tons of errands to run today. The bank to deposit some money to pay for the P!nk tickets I bought yesterday. Rite-Aid to do some shopping, Safeway for some more Greek Yogurt, Office Depot to pick up some more signs for the garage sale and maybe Walgreens too. These are just my personal errands as you can tell and not actually work related errands. I don’t know if I’m going to actually fit all that in. We will see.

Tonight’s plan is this. Come home, immediately run. Then Chris will probably be home and we are going to unload some stuff from the shed for the garage sale, some boards for shelving. Then we have to run to Home Depot to look for some shelving units. I am thinking about purchasing some shelves for the garage sale. Come home and then maybe assemble one??? We need to start tarping off the garage walls as well. Can’t stand a million people asking me is that for sale when it clearly is hanging on your wall shelves because it belongs there not because it actually is for sale.

Anyway, Chris works late tomorrow night so he won’t be around and then Thursday night mom and pam are brining over there garage sale stuff so we need to have things in place. Oh, and sometime in there I need to make my signs from the signboards I am buying today. It’s a busy life. I want to get some of the shelving units set up because tomorrow night I can start loading one of them while Chris is working if they are set up. I might need his help in setting them up, I am not sure as I have not even purchased them yet.

Sometimes I think that being busy actually might not be a bad thing. It keeps me completely distracted from health stuff which has its benefits at times. I clearly do have a tendency to over think things and overcomplicate stuff. If I just let it happen naturally, while still eating well and staying busy then life just happens and I feel like I am not working that hard and hopefully still being good. I don’t mind shifting a little of the focus away from health for the next two weeks which are bound to be very busy for me.

I do promise you this…. That girl (ya know the one who was beaten me before)… she WON’T win this time. I won’t let her. I will maintain my strength and composure and healthy lifestyle during the next two weeks while being stressed and busy. I will keep her in the forefront and I will somehow, someway carve out some time for exercise. If evenings end up proving too difficult I promise you that I will wake my ass up early and run in the morning… something I hate and reserve for only special occasions. That or else I will run at 9 PM if I have to. I could also make myself walk outside during lunch if it is not pouring outside. All possibilities but I will make it happen. Huh, this must be what the rest of the world feels like with actual busy lives…. Clearly my life is pretty laid back with a lot of availability to focus my time and energies on me.

I’m actually kind of excited for the next couple weeks to see how I balance it all plus I mean, I love the rewards of my hard work. I think it’s going to be fun :) Anyway, I will see how many of my errands I can run today and still manage to eat my lunch and do some work… Oh and I'm still really giddy about my P!nk tickets... I am so excited to celebrate a year of healthy living in October by rockin it at the pit of a P!nk concert... yup... happiness.

Monday, March 25, 2013

A Woman of her Word

I am in a terrible funk today. I almost didn’t want to post at all. I actually wasn’t going to post but then I remembered a little promise I made to myself that the key to staying on this path and being healthy is for me to be accountable and not run away from my problems, even when it’s rough. This weekend was rough. I don’t know what came over me but I was not a good girl. Friday night I went to dinner with my mom and sister and we did Olive Garden. I got a glass of sweet wine and a healthy option but ate 3 breadsticks. I then ate far too many pieces of candy at home. Oh well. Saturday was actually pretty good in terms of eating and then I did have a nice hour run.

And then comes Sunday. Yesterday I wasn’t a good girl either. I ate m&m’s and had a decent Applebee’s 550 calorie or less item. Mainly I ate more candy again at night. I don’t know what I did that. And mostly I felt like crap because I didn’t run. I should have made myself exercise but I talked myself out of it. This is what happens to me. But in the spirit of being different than previous attempts at this, here I am actually blogging and admitting my failures.

In the grand scheme of things, all is not lost. I had a few higher than necessary days, but nothing that those supposed “flex” points wouldn’t take care of. But I doubt that anyone would still really lose weight eating an extra 49 points a week. Geesh. Anyhow, I only ran once, but I ran once. Not the end of the world. And I will run tonight and tomorrow and Wed. so that will be 4 ½ workouts this week. I say half because last Thursday night I only ran 4 miles and that’s a half workout for me. It won’t be horrible all things considered but it just makes me feel crappy right now.

I am certain I deserve a day off on the weekend but I can’t help but feel like shit today anyway. I should focus on the positive. I really felt good most of the weekend. Saturday night I dyed my hair blonde (blonder) again, basically covering up my emerging roots and I love it. I always love it when my hair is so nicely blond. Ever since I went back to using Philosophy face products a few weeks ago my skin feels and is looking so much better… amazing really. I am loving that. It is decidedly so that my size 10 Old Navy jeans are now too big. Problem is I do not have any size 8’s purchased to go into. So instead I wear the 10’s and pull them up over and over. I need to get some Size 8’s…

And in the most exciting news of the day… This girl right here is 100% for sure going to Seattle October 20 to see Pink again in concert. I am nothing if not a woman of my word. Case in point…

On Feb 17, after seeing her in Vegas, I wrote this exact phrase here on this board:
Needless to say it was pure perfection. So much so that somewhere into the second or third song I looked at Chris and said next time, I don’t care what it costs, we will be in the front. Yes I am verbally committing to the reality that the next tour, however long that takes, another 4-5 years maybe; I will be $1000 a ticket if I must to sit in the front.

I put my money where my mouth was today as the VIP package presale’s happened at 10 AM this morning. I waited and waited and as soon as the clock struck 10:00 AM exactly I hit refresh and I hit purchase on 2 VIP tickets for general admission pit tickets. The pit is standing room only in the front of the stage. This is where all the action happens. This is exactly the area I was talking about when I said I would be there next time. And here it is, next time, and you know what, I ponied up. So I was able to score two VIP tickets and I paid a total of $650… which is not the $1,000 a piece I claimed I would pay so I am actually quite happy about that.

So this girl is not only a woman of her word, but I am also going to be in the front pit at the show. I am a little scared because generally I wouldn’t say I’m a pit kind of girl but it’s Pink so, you know… This gives me something concrete to look forward to after Maui. I talked to Chris this afternoon and he was excited. I thought he might have been a little upset about spending that much money, but he wasn’t. He was excited to have pit tickets so I’d say good call. Plus, damned scalpers are already selling tickets on the internet and 2 VIP pit tickets they want double, $1,300 for…. Plus they are sold out now. So I’m glad I did not hesitate and went for it.

It’s almost time for me to go home, which is good, because that means this Monday is almost over… good 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Friday

Well hello Friday morning. You are not as glorious as I had hoped for but you are Friday and therefore by virtue of that alone you are still pretty awesome. I will take it. It’s kind of nice to be on the cusp of a weekend without too many major plans. Yes, tomorrow at 3 I have a nail appointment but other than that I don’t have any real commitments. Sunday morning I do intend to coupon but again, not a major thing.

It is Friday so as is customary Chris and I may end up going out to dinner tonight. I do not intend to get a drink this week as for whatever reason last week I had that major craving for one and I don’t feel it necessary today. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do dinner. I am pretty certain looking back we’ve probably had Friday night dinner out for the last couple months. But we will see.

I think in the back of my mind I figured on not exercising tonight so I was trying to force myself to exercise last night. Probably not a good idea. I had ran the previous 5 days in a row. Last night I attempted to run. 6th day in a row. Yeah… since recommitting to my health in October I have not done 6 days in a row. I generally know when my body needs a break and typically 4 days is it and then I need a day off. On occasion I can push myself thru 5 days but 6 days was probably a terribly stupid idea. I got on the treadmill and I ran. Actually it wasn’t awful but my mind was giving out more than my body. Mentally the combination of Chris being in the other room walking around and my body just saying No and after 30 minutes I quit. Yes, words you will rarely hear me say. I QUIT! It’s hard to call it a failure since in those 30 minutes I ran almost 4 miles and burned 500 calories…. Anyhow, I decided a more productive use of my time was to take my husband and my dog on an outside walk.

I should have rethought the outside walk plan. I was just trying so hard to be active I guess. I say that because it was COLD. Like bone chilling cold. We did walk over to the school where I walked another mile or so and burned another 100 calories or so. But we were all frozen little ice cubes when we got home. Oh well. I was so cold I decided it was definitely time to call it for the evening. I made a chicken avocado feta cheese sandwich followed by a Oinkos Pomegranate Greek yogurt for dessert. I managed to eat pretty much on track for the day. It’s hard to really gauge all the few extra bites you put in your mouth and I am so guilty of that. At least my extra splurges are a little piece of beef jerky and some almonds instead of candy and crap. This is pretty much how I function most weeks and it doesn’t seem to do me too much harm so I think I shall be fine.

Ultimately this means that I will not run tonight even if I want too. My body is telling me it’s time for a break. If I want to have a good run tomorrow I will not torture myself with a half ass run tonight. Clearly body says rest! I will listen because it hasn’t steered me wrong thus far.

Tomorrow I will get in a nice good run where hopefully I feel like running! I am trying very hard this week to be a good girl and stay on track. I do have a lot of domestic stuff I could/should do around the house so perhaps that is what I should focus on tomorrow. But then again I might just say fuck it and do whatever else I want instead.

The point of it all is, it’s Friday. And that is a good thing :)

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Awesome!

Today I have made the decision to be happy. Yes, sometimes I believe it is a decision. Sure, I’m still not feeling amazing. Sure, the sun is decidedly not shining. Sure, I am freezing. But you know what… I am choosing to be happy and optimistic because its Thursday and today I officially get to put my dreadful last week behind me. I was plagued by too much eh and not feeling well and I vow that today I can be happy and positive and those feelings have to translate into making me feel better.

I have also decided that I should be taking a multi vitamin so today I have opened a new bottle and will try and commit to this as well. Perhaps my body needs the Vitamin C or D or Iron or other things that this pill will provide. I am certain I am probably not getting enough on my own otherwise. It’s amazing how a little pill (okay it’s not little at all in terms of pill size it’s what I like to call a horse pill!) but in terms of a pill packing in all those ingredients it seems small. How can that thing have that much of my recommended daily needs for so many things??? I am going to keep a bottle at work since I know I am far more likely to take them with my water at work. I will have a bottle at home too for weekends but my guess is I will be more successful with them sitting on my desk. Anyhow, I am thinking since this is the second time in the past couple months I’ve gotten this horrific cough and cold that maybe I need to beef up my immune system and consume for vitamins. It’s worth a shot! Plus I get all the vitamins for free with my couponing so it’s not putting me out any.

Boy do I wish the sun was actually shining today. I am desperate for some genuine good weather. My mood is just so significantly greater when the sun shines. This is probably why I much prefer warm tropical vacations over anything else. You will never catch me vacationing at a snow lodge. I might spend a night or two to snuggle up by the fire but I won’t be outside. I don’t like to be bone chilling cold.

I made an appointment for Saturday afternoon for a new set of acrylic nails. The old set presently on my fingers are at the end of their life span, meaning the French tip is about to give way and honestly they are looking a little crappy. Sometime Friday night or Saturday morning I have to peel them off, which I am not looking forward to. That hurts! Anyhow, it’s the price we pay for beauty.

And speaking of beauty I have to say that it is always such an amazing concept to me who much I care about myself in all aspects of my life when I am being healthy. When I let it go it’s like somehow I find it appropriate to torture and torment myself by not doing a damned good thing for myself. It’s amazing how easy it is to completely ignore yourself when you don’t like yourself. I fully acknowledge that you are more than capable of loving yourself no matter what you weigh. I just didn’t. You can still and honestly you probably should do the things for yourself that make you feel good no matter what you weigh.

It’s funny how when I started being healthy again I added all this stuff back into my life that I generally love but just ignore. I get my nails done, I get pedicures, I got a facial and a massage (and will continue to do this most likely). I buy nice makeup and am back to actually taking care of my skin with cleansers and moisturizers. Somehow I just don’t even want to look in the mirror to cleanse and moisturize. I buy nice clothes that make me feel good and spend money at Victoria Secret and claim I am worth new Coach purses and fun accessories. These are ALL things I could and should probably do for myself no matter what I weigh, but I just don’t. It’s so hard to love yourself when you are so disappointed in yourself. That’s what it stems from. Not that I couldn’t take care of myself while overweight it was more the feeling of disappointment in myself for having let myself go so much.

At my core I am such a girly girl. It doesn’t mean I’m afraid to get dirty or go natural but I love the really truly girly girl things in life. I am at my best/worst when I love myself. I’d say worst because it does cost me a lot of money but I always quantify that with I am worth it! But generally my daily sense of happiness is so much greater that I truly do think it is worth it!

Anyway back to the boring nitty gritty… last night was actually a better run than I thought it was going to be and it actually proved an easier run than the night before. Go figure. This morning I was shocked and amazed to see that I had lost 2.4 pounds. I weighed in at 157.2. This is fairly fantastic to me considering what an overall shitty week I had. My heart wasn’t in any of it. Plus I was coming off of a great week so was only expecting a small little loss. 2.4 is stellar and I am over the moon about it.

Sometimes I think nothing is happening at all. It is so hard to keep positive sometimes day to day. It’s hard to see any change at all because honestly most of the time you aren’t really going to notice a pound or two. Thus it’s easy to get discouraged. On a daily, even weekly basis I honestly don’t really notice any changes but on a bigger scale despite not noticing as life goes along, its hard to deny that each of those “I don’t notice anything changing” add up to 62.8 pounds. At some point one has to notice that. I mean I’m not stupid, I do notice that. It’s just hard to keep it going each week. Other than I will say if I just stay the course eventually I will get to where I want to be.

All I can say is I feel very blessed that by body clearly does not want to be overweight. It seems to have no problem letting go of the extra unneeded stuff. Of course this leaves lots of skin issues but that’s a better problem to have overall. As long as I keep losing every week I am a happy girl for sure.

I need to stop at the grocery store today for some more fruits. I am eating an apple right now but I am out of bananas and could pick up a few more fresh things and some more greek yogurt. Kind of have been into that so much lately :) Looking forward to berry season and Saturday market with fresh fruits and produce. See… there I go wanting the sun to be out in full force again.

Today I choose happiness!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

In search of a better attitude

Last night was a vast improvement from the previous night’s escapades. By no means is my cough gone, but it is such an improvement that I consider it a victory that I was able to sleep. It’s amazing how important sleep is to not only the body but the mind as well. I only woke up once last night to cough at about 3 AM. Considering I went to bed around 10 and woke at 3 and then was able to go right back to bed I’d say it was a victory all around.

I managed to come home yesterday and change into my workout clothes for a treadmill session. By no means was it the greatest workout in the world but anything is better than nothing. I really wanted to watch the Biggest Loser finale so I pushed thru. I was happy with the outcome of the finale. I was actually happy with pretty much all the contestants’ results and that is rare. Usually there are one or two contestants that ultimately just can’t seem to hack it at home. It looks like most of them were relatively successful which is nice.

I can still tell I am not at my 100%. I suspect it will take a little more time for me to make a full recovery and thus feel like myself again. I completely feel like I have been phoning it in all week. My heart is just not 100% in anything. It’s not just the being healthy stuff, it’s pretty much every aspect of my life. Honestly I am glad tomorrow is Thursday as it offers me a chance to start out a new fresh week. I’m already thinking ahead because I’m pretty certain tomorrow will be a bust. I know you should never plan to fail, but I feel like that is exactly what I’m doing. Mentally preparing myself for tomorrow’s unkind weigh-in. I have been so off all week and my food hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve just felt so run down that it’s hard to imagine anything positive on that scale. I am a firm believer in our body responding to the mental vibes we give out. Nothing I’ve been giving out all week has been particularly kind. I am not expecting my body to respond on its own, but we shall see.

Not to mention I’ve been walking around feeling extra bloated all week. Not sure what that’s about. It doesn’t really matter; tomorrow I get to start fresh. That is a beautiful thing. I can chalk this one up to a bad sick week and be thankful that I just survived and maybe lost a little. (I’m still hoping I lose a little)…

I honestly believe that anyone can be healthy and lose weight when faced with perfect conditions. I think we’d all be thin if we spent our lives in the healthy bliss of a perfectly contrived world lacking in sickness, or anguish or stress or turmoil. It’s a lovely thought but not even close to being possible. We make ourselves stronger, better versions of ourselves when we manage to live thru the obstacles that are presented in our paths. I can honestly say I have grown more in my defeats and tough times than I have learned anything from the positive easy ones. I mean, I would still love to live as happy and positive as possible but God knows the hiccups are always just right around the corner. If I can lose anything this week that is success. That is staring down a less than perfect week and facing it with grace and control.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I can actually be so positive about all this considering this is the billionth time I have gained and lost weight. Sometimes I almost feel like a total sham because how can anything I say really mean anything since I so often fail at all of this. I keep hoping that I get smarter and wiser as I go but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I feel smarter and wiser this time around but I kind of remember feeling that way the last time and clearly I failed miserably. How amazing would it be to just live your life and not have to worry so much about all this shit? Never going to happen for me since I was not blessed with skinny genes.

I am honestly just hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a much better attitude. It’s not that my attitude is entirely off, it’s just that when you feel like crap physically it’s hard to mentally put yourself in the game. I feel like a broken record. I can do this. I will do this. I won’t feel like crap forever!

Tonight Chris works late again so it’s just me and Molly for the night. I do plan on running, but in the spirit of planning to fail, I know it’s going to be tough since it will be my 5th day in a row. Maybe I will only do a short run and supplement with something else. Perhaps some elliptical. Yup, I could use that shiny expensive elliptical machine that sits right next to my treadmill… Or else I could do some weights or perhaps open up the kettle ball I bought like 3 years ago that is still in the packaging with a workout video. We will see.

Whatever happens tonight is fine, I really want to focus on making tomorrow happy and healthy and starting the week off right. I’m going to call today as just survive, get thru it and hope for a great fresh start tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Late Night Horror

Last night was pretty awful, not food, exercise or generally anything before 11 PM. Basically I went to bed just fine, knowing I had a nasty cough but not realizing that I would be unable to fall asleep due to said cough. I had to cough every two minutes and then at about midnight I got a horrible coughing attack. I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen for water, Nyquil, chloroseptic and cough drops. None of it helped. I hacked it out for a good 5 minutes while Molly stared at me questioning why I was up. She’s too cute; she pretty much follows me around everywhere.

I attempted to go back to bed. I tossed and turned and coughed and coughed and coughed. At 1 AM I had another attack and once again got up to retreat to the other room to hack it out. When I thought I had it mildly under control I returned to bed. Around 1:15 Chris got up and used the bathroom and I just sat there coughing. He came back to bed and I continued my coughing fit. Chris feel back asleep and then at 1:40 I was jarred up in bed by an awful attack and I reached for the water somehow thinking this would be a good idea. I took a few drinks of water and just as quickly as I swallowed, with all the coughing I suddenly and without any proper warning, threw up into my hands. I have never had this happen before. I threw up my spaghetti dinner right into my hands. Obviously it was up and into the bathroom for me. So gross!!!

I mostly contained it all in my hands. I wiped off the bed and decided I could not do this to poor Chris and retreated to the living room about 2 AM. I lied down and must have eventually drifted off into sleep somewhere around 3 AM. I woke at 6 AM coughing some more but feeling a little better. I decided to go back to bed where I slept much longer than I should have, til about 8 AM before forcing myself to get up. I REALLY wanted to stay in that bed. Not shocking considering I got minimal sleep and the rest of the night was spent so awfully. I cried so many times, not on purpose, by sheer force of coughing so much my eyes starting watering. It was an ugly night. I guess lying down probably lets the mucus in my nose run into my throat which impedes the sleeping. I just pray to God tonight is more kind to me. I need sleep.

With all that said, I am pure exhausted today and yet tonight is supposed to be my Biggest Loser night. I am looking forward to the finale from last night. Biggest Loser already ruined the surprise for me by posting a picture of the winner on their facebook page for me to see. Oh well, I still want to watch the show. I am praying somehow I get a magical burst of energy today. I wish there was a magic drug to make my cough go away. It is better today than last night but I suspect it really is the whole lying down thing vs. just sitting at my desk. I keep finding myself wanting to close my eyes.

It really comes as no shock to me, considering my lack of feeling 100%, that I haven’t been feeling that good about myself as of late. You know those moments where you look in the mirror and hate what you see. Yeah, that’s been me the past couple days. I am certain it’s because I feel like shit, I feel bloated and generally am not having the same levels of energy to give me any sort of positive feelings about myself. I just feel complete lack of motivation to do anything. It’s been real bad lately. I have no motivation at work, at home, in my couponing. I have zero motivation to do anything but sit there and stare blankly, mindlessly into the abyss. I guess that is probably what happens when you are sick. It is my body’s way of trying to recuperate.

Overall today has just been a struggle so far and I am not predicting great things later. Lack of sleep plus nasty cough just leaves me run down and sluggish. One day at a time.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Pink Take 2

A rare second post in a day. Basically I had to post because I have some exciting news for me anyway. I was trolling thru facebook when I saw that Pink the artist, the object of my obsessive love announced today that she is adding tour dates to her schedule. Originally she only had so many shows with Vegas being the closest venue. Anyhow, she is getting close to being done with her North American leg of her tour and heading oversees for months, BUT upon her return in October she added a bunch of new shows and guess what… one is in Seattle. So it looks like October 20 she will be heading to Seattle for a concert. Yes, I’ve already seen this concert but it was the best show of my life and instantly I was beyond excited because I can drive to Seattle. I mean, I might want to spend the night which is a Sunday night of the concert but that is a detail for a later date. I mean, I don’t even have tickets yet as they aren’t on sale yet.

Basically, they go on sale next week I think and I will get tickets. Good tickets. I texted Chris and he was excited so we are in again. I mean, October is a long ways away actually and I am stoked. I am also stoked because this gives me additional incentive to stay happy and healthy AFTER my Maui trip. I mean she motivated me once so I’m sure she can do it again. I actually smiled because when she comes in October that will actually mean that it will have been 1 entire year since I first bought Pink tickets and decided to get healthy. If I can keep at this until October of 2013, which I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t that will mean one year of living this lifestyle. Oh Pink, how I do love you.

The show was worth every penny and I am pumped to see it again in Seattle. I’ll probably cry again too because I have such hardcore love for this girl. Anyway, I don’t have tickets yet, but I promise that I will be at that October 20 show in Seattle :)

Monday cough

Well Monday morning is finally upon us again. I can’t say that I’m too terribly pleased about this. But I guess it’s just part of life. Actually what I think I am not too pleased about is the horrible cold I seem to have developed. On Friday I thought it was the flu, as my stomach did hurt, but by Friday afternoon I didn’t feel nauseous I just felt drained. I felt really tired and sore and craptastic. Lovely.

Since I wasn’t feeling it I made the very difficult for me decision of calling it Friday night and NOT exercising. I literally sat at work and teetered back and forth on the topic. Yes, I felt yucky but I could have made myself run. I talked to my mom who convinced me that although I took Thursday off that if I wasn’t feeling all that good it was ultimately better for me to bag a Friday run and let my body rest. Clearly my body was sending me some not so subtle hints that it needed some things. And one of those things turned out to be an alcoholic mixed drink. Yup… around 6 or so I got the overwhelming urge to must consume a fruity concoction. I haven’t had that urge in a long time so when Chris came home and found me not exercising I told him that I needed a drink.

I figured since I was already indulging in a sure to be awful for you beverage that I wanted to at least keep the food relatively healthy so we went to Red Lobster. I had shrimp and lobster and a baked potato and of course the salad. I always avoid the cheddar bay biscuits. But I did have an amazing drink. I looked it up afterwards and discovered that it was 10 points. I really didn’t feel bad about this at all. I kept the rest of the stuff pretty good and for whatever reason I wanted it and my body was clearly telling me it needed the rest and the food to recuperate.

After dinner I came home and pretty much went straight to bed. Exhaustion all around. I told myself that I could take Thursday and Friday off from exercise if I got right back on it Saturday. Saturday was an amazing day actually. I woke up and my body 100% thanked me for the two days of rest. I felt so much better and my body wasn’t sore anymore. I had a big product sort party happening and I was thrilled I felt so much better. I immediately put on workout clothes that I could move freely in for the day’s activities. Chris and I worked on cleaning up the back patio and clearing off the furniture so we could store the boxes of product out there when we were done.

Around 10 AM my cousin, my mom and sister and eventually my aunt showed up. We worked for a few hours and got everything done. Yeah! I love it when things go so well. After we were finished they hung out for a few hours and it was really nice. Eventually they left around 4 PM and I was already in my workout clothes. I did a few things around the house and hit the treadmill for a nice run. I knew instantly that my body was doing good and therefore it was the right decision to have rested on Friday. I did my normal 8 mile run and called it good.

Saturday night was just filled with me doing girly stuff and that was fun. Sunday morning I slept in as couponing was crappy this week and I felt no major urge to have to over exert myself. I did wake up yesterday with a scratchy throat and a cough which seems to have worsened today. Guess that’s how my body deals with shit.

Anyway, yesterday I went to my moms and hung out a little and then Mom, Chris and me went to Panera Bread for a nice healthy lunch and then we did a few errands. I was home by around 3 PM I think. I once again changed into workout clothes just to get me in the mood. I ended up doing more domestics and then somehow over indulging in an open bag of chex-mix before I hit the treadmill for workout 2 of the weekend. I did about a 9 mile run and called it good.

Yesterday however, the frugal girl left the building and I had a case of the I want to buy nice things for myself. Oops… it’s possible that I have a few packages coming in the mail in the near future. I will try and not feel bad about that.

I ended up being starving last night again. I think this is my body’s way to telling me that I am sick and it needs things to heal. I opted for a chicken breast we had cooked and frozen (we just microwave them and they are delicious and ready to go) and then I bought some pita bread things at the store yesterday so I ended up putting avocado, chicken breast, lettuce and some feta cheese crumbles in this pita thing. It was AMAZING and perfect. Of course that didn’t stop me from wanting a few Hershey kisses when I was done. Oh well.

Overall I’d say it was a fine weekend. It wasn’t my best, wasn’t my worst. I am taking this as a huge victory considering how shitty I felt most of it. As I sit here in the office hacking up a lung I’d say being able to get through the weekend, getting in two runs, and not completely binging is a definite win. I think when you don’t feel great you give yourself permission to indulge in the things that are going to make you feel better. For me that was that alcoholic beverage and of course buying myself shiny pretty new things…

Today is right back at it, whatever “it” really is… I am sitting in my office cold as usual and counting down the time until lunch. I am extra hungry again and not sure what my plans for lunchtime are. I know what I am eating, I brought a lean cuisine pizza, just what my plans for running errands, if any, actually are.

Tonight is the Biggest Loser finale which I won’t be watching until tomorrow night but the nice thing about stalking all the former contestants on facebook is that they are posting pictures from California an the finale. The ones that are there anyway, lots of group shots. It’s cool to see all the former contestants now and see what they really look like after the fact. I often wonder though, they really have to pay for their own trip out to the finale I am sure but I guess they get to go, seeing as they are former contestants and all they are invited. I guess it’s like this little family unto itself and therefore worth the money just to be around everyone. I guess its good motivation for them to keep at it. Nonetheless, I like seeing the pictures.

Chris works late tomorrow and Wednesday night apparently so I will have two evenings to myself. Of course this means he has Thursday and Friday off this week which is always difficult for me and my exercise routine. Guess I will just have to do the best I can for sure.

Given all of these factors and the reality that I lost so much weight last week I am really not anticipating a large loss this week at all. Given my less than great physical health I will be happy with anything around a pound for sure. Just mentally prepping myself for what is sure to be a less than stellar week. I don’t have too much else going on. Just wishing I didn’t feel like I was hacking up a lung for sure.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Yuck

The good news: I am super glad it is Friday.
The bad news: I don’t feel very well.

Late last night I started feeling a little yucky and then this morning when I woke up I could tell I was not 100%. I am not full on sick or anything, I am just tired and sluggish with a slight case of upset tummy. In general, a yucky feeling brought on by outside forces. One of my bosses who hangs out in the office from time to time was sick a few days ago with a flu like bug and was throwing up. Yesterday he said his wife got it and low and behold I am just not feeling 100%. I don’t often complain of sickness because for the most part I am healthy. I don’t love this that is for sure. It fucks with my plans.

Last night I did not exercise because I was exhausted which I believe was a direct result of 6 workouts last week. That will not and cannot happen again this week. It’s just physically impossible for me to workout 6 days this week since I already took yesterday off which would mean I’d have to work out for the next 6 days straight. Not happening!!! I do plan on getting in 5 though. The plan is to run tonight and then one of the weekend days (Saturday OR Sunday) and then hit it good for next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Of course I say this is the plan because we will see if my body actually has other plans of its own.

I feel like I am teetering on the brink of either I am going to be just fine in a little while or else it will turn into full on sick. I am praying that it’s just a little passing morning yuck and things are all good by the afternoon. Being sick does not fit into any of my plans. I have a big product sort party tomorrow that will require hours of my attention and hard work. Also, I think I generally feel like shit when I don’t exercise so I really want to run to improve my well-being. It’s a horrible catch 22.

Last night I was a good girl and bypassed Ulta, despite my heart wanting something new and shiny, my brain told me I didn’t need to drop $100 on stuff I didn’t really need just because. I need to remember that I have a fabulous Maui vacation in like 2 ½ months that I should save my money for. My financially fiscal girl won out. For now. Mmmwwhhhaaaaa…… I won’t make any promises about the weekend though. I will try.

Instead, I stopped after work at Rite-Aid where I picked up some more free couponed stuff to make money on at my garage sale. Super productive and then I headed home and shortly thereafter Chris made it home. Despite it being a little cold we both threw on jackets and took Molly out for a walk. We live pretty damned close to a Middle/Elementary School combo and they have fabulous fields for walking and letting Molly run wild off leash. She is a good girl and listens to us so we have no problems letting her off leash, especially in the evenings when no one else is around. She loves the freedom. It’s also a nice dedicated time for Chris and I to talk. I really enjoy that. It wasn’t a workout by any means, but it was a nice little walk. I suppose better than nothing.

In the end I guess I’m just excited it’s Friday and I get a weekend and I get to spend it with some of my favorite people. My husband, my mom and one of my sisters… That is amazing. I also get to see one of my favorite cousins too. Good times.

I am sure I will plug along no matter what as I am nothing if not a determined girl. This is just what I do. I get right back up on the horse and do it all over again.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Thursday Magic

Can you believe it’s actually Thursday already? I heart Thursday’s probably because it is my weigh-in day, and the only day that I actually get on the scale to see the progress of my hard work. I suspect I would not like Thursday’s nearly as much if I wasn’t as consistent in my weight loss but truthfully I EARN every loss I have. It’s not like I sit around expecting my body to change without ensuring that it will. I put in the effort and I really do earn the numbers I see.

With that said, as I suspected, with the hard week of exercise and on point eating I earned myself a 3.2 pound loss this morning. The best part is that I get to say goodbye to the 160’s…. I am now 159.6 pounds. When I first stood on that scale at 220 pounds I wanted to throw up. But more importantly I remember just wishing I was in the 150’s… Yes somewhere in the 140’s is my ultimate goal but I knew the 150’s is where I really do like myself and my body and feel like I can be happy again. I am going to get to my 140’s goal but for today I am totally going to take living in the 150’s. I am barely there, but that second number is definitely a 5 and I am confident enough in myself that it only goes down from here. I don’t do gains :) (Said the crazy girl!)

With all the said, here is my updated charts…





I also like Thursday’s because it means one day closer to the weekend and you are confidently in the latter half of the week. Most enjoyable. This weekend should be interesting as Saturday I have a coupon product sorting day scheduled. I have tons of boxes in my garage…. Like I don’t know 200… yeah, probably not exaggerating and they need to be sorted into like items. Chris is home this weekend to help and my mom and one of my cousins is coming to help. Actually part of me thinks this will be fun.

I want to take a moment to talk about what I did last night. You see yesterday was day 5 in a row of exercise. I know my body fairly well and day 4 I start to fade and usually need a rest after 4 days, but sometimes the situation calls for a fifth day, such as yesterday. However, the desire and quite frankly the ability is lesser. I got on the treadmill and started running. I was doing my normal run but I’m not going to lie it was harder than it should be. I just kept running anyway, BUT… at around 36-37 minutes I’m like I don’t want to do this… this sucks… I hate this… Yes, I rarely get those thoughts and then I had another thought pop into my mind. It’s actually nice outside, a rarity and my doggie is sitting here staring at me… Yup, I think I can… I am sure you guessed it. At 40 minutes I stopped the treadmill and hopped off. I dug thru my stuff to find an arm strap for my phone, grabbed the lease and Molly and me were off for what I call a fast walk.

We ended up walking to my mom’s house about a mile away. She wasn’t home but I have her garage keypad code so I went in to give Molly some water and then we headed back out on our way. I took the long route home to avoid the scary pit bull who looked like he was going to jump over the fence to kill Molly and attack me. The long route added another half mile to the walk. When I got home I had accomplished a 2.5 mile outside walk and it was lovely. Molly had a great time. It didn’t feel like exercise at all. Something different for sure. The problem was while I walked 2.5 miles my body didn’t really consider it exercise either because I only burned about 100 calories doing that meaning my heart rate wasn’t where it normally is. I have a little mental game where I am supposed to get 1000 calories burned in an exercise session, so I got myself back on the treadmill to finish up. In the end all of my efforts combined netted 9.5 miles and a little over 1000 calories burned. What was nice is that I mixed it up just a little and it didn’t feel so horrible!

All this tells me today I need to take off from running. Clearly my body is sending me a message that it’s tired. I will listen to it. The only thing I might do tonight, if the weather allows for it, is take a nice walk with Molly and maybe even Chris. This is not hardcore workout so I am sure my body would be fine with it. I am still toying with the idea of a stop at Ulta after work today. It’s possibly on the agenda. I do find that I need a distraction if I don’t go home and immediately exercise. It’s too easy for me get out of whack otherwise. A stop at Ulta might be a good distraction for me and a nice reward for hitting the 150’s on the scale. Yes, as I’ve said before I really do believe in rewarding your efforts.

Today is more of the same on the food front. I’ve pretty much got my food dialed in at this point. I know when my body needs a snack and what to give it. I know what it can handle, etc. With the exception of a few unexplainable hunger pains from time to time, I am pretty content with the quality of what I’m giving myself.

It is nice to see that my hard work last week really did net the results I was hoping for. I am honestly BEYOND ecstatic with a 3.2 pound loss. That is not something that happens every week for sure. I also realize this means next week won’t be as spectacular but that’s okay. I really wanted to get to the 150’s and I accomplished that. I am now down 60.4 pounds, another victory too. Dude, I’ve lost 60 pounds… That is a pretty big deal I guess. I mean, I wish I didn’t gain the 60 to begin with, but shit… that is a lot of weight to lose in like 5 ½ months…. And yes, it is a lot of work. Let me clarify that. I run, and I run, and I run. Most weeks I get at least 5 days of running in, burning the aforementioned 1000 calories or more each time. Doing at least 8 miles each time, so that is consistently 40 plus miles a week. That is how you lose 60 pounds in 5 ½ months. It is work. But the reward is worth it all in the end.

Yeah for Thursday’s!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Rebound



Time and sleep. They truly are the miracle drug that we all look for. There is nothing as healing as both of them. As every one of those little sayings go, each day we wake up fresh with a chance to do it all over again. Today I am grateful for that. Nothing puts life into perspective quite like a good night’s sleep followed by a little time and perspective on issues. It’s not as if in a 24 hour period suddenly all my problems have gone away… they haven’t unfortunately… but the thing is nothing is as serious as it could be. I love time for this simple reason. Time goes on no matter what you do (and thank goodness for this reality) and everything you thought was so important doesn’t have to be. Time can be our friend if we let it.

Perhaps I am also just feeling better because I am so proud of my behaviors thru a turbulent time. There is always that lingering fear in the back of your head that great you’ve managed to make healthy choices when things were going great and you want it but what happens when times get tough? In particular you know all those triggers and feelings that made you gain weight to begin with… you know… what happens when those return? Mental issues that cause weight gain never really go away. How we deal with them can change, but they don’t just suddenly go away. Sure, a problem may resolve itself but I promise you this a new one will just pop up in its place. It’s not the problem itself that is the issue; it’s how we deal with it. I think I have been scared for months that I haven’t learned how to deal with the problem; instead I just didn’t have the same ugly problem rear its head. Now that I’ve navigated thru the problem successfully I feel much more confident in my ability to move forward from here.

Time, perspective and lovely sleep. The best combination in the world. Yesterday I controlled the only things I could control and made great decisions. I ran to the grocery store and picked up some items that I really needed. Staples. Lettuce, spinach, bananas, more weight watchers Smart One meals for lunch and some more Greek yogurt for my smoothie making. However, when I was down the yogurt isle I decided to try some of the flavored Greek yogurt as well. I have never been a yogurt fan. I know it’s good for you and I want to like it but I just don’t. However eating yogurt in my smoothies has given me some courage to venture out and try with the whole Greek, new and improved thing. Yesterday for an afternoon snack I had a 3 point Greek Yogurt Pomegranate. Um… it was delicious. I am not sure why I resisted the Greek yogurt trend for so long. I brought a tropical fruit mix for a snack today. What a great protein rich snack. See excellent food choices yesterday. Plus bananas and apples. Can’t beat that!

Last night, keeping with my I will control what I can control attitude I got on the treadmill and I felt amazing about myself physically yesterday. Monday night after my shower I applied Victoria Secret’s bronzer so yesterday I was rocking an incredible fake tan! I mean, I still have it today but boy do I feel better about myself when I have a fake tan. I wonder why that is. I feel like I glow and that makes me happy. Anyway…. I put on a cute workout outfit and was ready to watch the new Biggest Loser.

I was feeling really good about my body and decided that maybe I didn’t need the t-shirt over the sports bra when I was running. If I’m being completely honest I can admit that I kind of wanted to see my gorgeous fake tan in the mirror while I ran. Vain I know :) Anyway, it was a victory and I’ll tell you why… When I started running I wore tank tops over my sports bra because at 220 pounds one does not want to run in only a sports bra and pants. Too much giggle everywhere. But I soon discovered that as I ran and sweated too much my underarms started to chafe. The fat rubbing together hurt. I quickly had to turn to t-shirts to provide a layer between my arm fat and body fat. It did the trick, no more chaffing.

For the last 5 months I wear sports bra and then t-shirt. Last night I had an ah-ha moment where I was like, I wonder if I really still *need* to wear a t-shirt to prevent arm chaffing… So I took a bold move and removed the t-shirt while I ran. Low and behold I didn’t really need it. 5 months and 57 pounds later and my arms don’t produce the same kind of chafe anymore. With that said, this all is only possible because I run in the privacy of my own home and it doesn’t really matter what my fat looks like as it bounces around while I run. Honestly I expected to hate the site of it more, but with proper fitting clothes it wasn’t so bad actually. Small victories.

I watched the new Biggest Loser and took control of my life with a 9 mile run. Not my best ever but completely acceptable. Dinner was more awesome choices. I had chicken breast and avocado. One of my favorite combinations. Completely healthy and delicious. I seriously feel like I am feeding my body with things it wants when I eat like I did yesterday. Control what you can control.

Today is the last day of my weigh-in week for me… I am excited to get on the scale tomorrow because I have had such a great week of eating and exercise. Of course, that doesn’t really mean I am going to have a great number necessarily but I am just proud of the week I’ve had and that means a lot more to me. Sure I’d love for the scale to be kind but it doesn’t really matter in the end. My bigger goal is to get thru today cleanly so that I can have one week where I know I did everything I could and lived a perfectly healthy lifestyle. Actually I have no worries about accomplishing this.

During the Biggest Loser last night I think it was Jeff was talking about losing weight and was saying something like the reality is you just have to want it more than you want the donut or the cookie or whatever it is you are craving. I don’t remember exactly what he said but that was the sentiment. And he is right. I just want it more than I want anything which is probably how I can consistently pass up foods that once were common place to me. I want it more than I want anything else really and of course the vain part of me loves seeing the girl in the mirror again that I am happy with the bigger picture, the thing I want more than anything is the happiness I feel from loving myself. It’s so easy to forget what it feels like to love yourself. It is so easy to get caught up in that perpetual game of eat like shit, feel like shit, feel guilty, have a bad day because you are hard on yourself, eat like shit to comfort yourself, feel like shit, feel guilty… you get the idea. The cycle is so hard to break and honestly when you are living it you don’t realize the psychological toll it is taking on you.

I guess it’s much easier to recuperate from life’s yuck when we are generally happy and love yourself. That is the bottom line. You really do have to fix this problem from the inside out. I loved my new necklace so much yesterday that I went to amazon and bought another one in orange… They are cheap I am sure, but I don’t spend tons of money on costume jewelry as it is just that, costume… so who cares if it’s only $10.99… anyhow, here is the link to it…

http://www.amazon.com/Necklace-December-SALE-High-Engagement-Bridesmaid/dp/B00AM7TEBW/ref=pd_sbs_jw_2

I pretty much love this necklace and am excited to have it another color.

This is my plan for the day…

Tropical Greek Yogurt
Banana
Apple
Lean Cuisine French bread pizza for lunch
Apple
Banana
Smoothie after my workout
Dinner??? (Not sure what exactly because I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of girl, but most likely it will involve chicken as we have left overs in the fridge)

Chris works the late shift tonight so its jut me and the treadmill, of course I am going on day 5 in a row of exercise so I don’t predict a long one. It will most likely be a nice 8 mile run and I will call it good. Drink my smoothie, shower and then dinner of some sort.

Tomorrow morning will be weigh-in and then tomorrow is my day off from exercise. I mean 5 days in a row is enough for this girl :) I am thinking I might treat myself with a stop at Ulta after work tomorrow they have lots of free gifts when you buy different brands going on right now. Not that I need to treat myself or anything but I might just do that. We will see.

That’s about all I got for the day.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Just a bad day

Yesterday was a long stressful day. I won’t go into the details because ultimately they are irrelevant. I had a shitty day at work, I had a shitty day at home, but you know what… I STILL managed to keep my calm and carry on. I managed to not let it get into my head and make poor choices. I managed to eat well and exercise and try and move forward.

Not every day is filled with sunshine and roses. It is equally as important to learn to deal with the pressures of life thru adversity as it is to maintain health in the good times. I am proud of myself because I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. I really am starting to love myself again. Previously when faced with a shitty day, a shitty mood, it was easy for me to go to that place where I am DOWN on myself and verbally beat myself up. Tell myself all the things that are wrong with me, etc. Generally not love myself. Yesterday I really was able to realize that I love myself and I am stronger than I think and give myself credit for my accomplishments. Valuable lesson learned.

I am so much stronger, braver and happier than I realize on a day to day basis. I just kept saying to myself it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.



We all have them. Move forward.

Because of the shitty day at work and a few things that happened the end result was that I had to stay late at work and therefore didn’t make it home until about an hour later than normal. This, combined with the aforementioned shitty day all around, led me to a pissy mood to begin with. (Or perhaps I went into the day with a pissy mood already and that helped to set the shitty tone of yesterday). Anyhow, home an hour late and I got on the treadmill. This really does help me clear my mind and make me feel strong again. I ran. I pushed thru my demons and felt pretty good afterwards.

Life just is never prefect. I don’t honestly expect perfection. Bad days make you appreciate the good ones, right? What I don’t love is the yucky feeling in my stomach that things are out of whack in my world and it’s like a plague on my soul. Yes, dramatic but truthful. I’m fearful that this stress that won’t go away will take its toll on my body. It always does. I am powerless to change the situation I am in so I must work extra hard to not let it control my mood. I need to find the happy in the day so that I can be happy, despite the nagging yuck in the pit of my stomach.

Today I promise myself this… I will maintain a smile even when I don’t feel like it. I will remind myself I am beautiful and worth it, I will drink my water and eat my healthy foods and you know what, I am going to go home and run and watch the new Biggest Loser. I love new Biggest Loser night (despite not really loving this season all that much) and that is something to look forward to. A nice long workout tonight to elevate my mood.

I will find the beauty in the day. Because God knows there is always beauty in any day and yes, it can always be worse. So today I will make lemonade out of lemons and I will push on thru. So with that in mind I am going to talk about the positive of today… I got a really cute necklace I ordered from amazon in the mail yesterday and I am wearing it today and I really like it. I think it is adorable and I like my outfit today and I feel really happy with how I look so I took photos….



I am certain I am just being over dramatic anyway and I will get thru all this and be happy in a few days… In the meantime, I shall focus my efforts and attention on things I can control like my food and exercise. Cause I certainly need a reason to be more obsessive compulsive :)

In the meantime I will keep my head held high and focus on the truths to get me thru....



Monday, March 11, 2013

You Choose

I would call my weekend a success. I definitely feel better about this one than the previous two and that ultimately is what success is about. Friday night I came home and Chris and I did our normal Friday night dinner. I was brave, or rather, felt comfortable enough venturing out from our normal restaurants to go to a Mexican food place that we both love but haven’t been to in 5 months. Basically I have not ventured there since I started eating healthy. It’s hard to eat totally healthy at a Mexican food place. Everything is VERY oiled and fried.

Anyway, they put the chips and salsa on the table. And beans. I love refried beans but this girl had 2, yes, 2 whole freaking chips with beans. That is a success. We ordered fajitas to share. I did not eat the tortillas. Instead I ate the chicken and shrimp and veggies with some guacamole. It was really good and I felt very comfortable with my choices. I could definitely tell it had all been prepared in oil but it wasn’t awful. I ate a respectable amount and then quit when I was full. It was moderately healthy considering the previous foods we would have ordered at this place. Success. Given it was date night there was no run on Friday. This was actually fine as I had run Monday-Thursday, 4 days in a row previously so I was due for a night off.

Saturday morning I got up and immediately put on my workout clothes. I do this as an enticement to get me to actually run at some point. I am NOT a morning person. You know how some people wake up all ready to go and pepped for the day. Not me. It’s pure misery. However, I was dressed the part and that was a start. I had some coffee and then spent the next couple hours in the house by myself, music blaring pricing all of my garage sale clothes. What a pain in the ass!!!! But it’s done and that feels good. I probably spent 3 hours pricing those clothes. It takes a stupidly long time.

At about 11 I decided it was time to actually run. The day wasn’t getting any longer and I had a mental plan anyway. Run 11-12, shower, get ready 12-1, head to Rite-Aid and couponing stuff 1-3 and them y massage at 3. I am happy to say I pretty much stuck entirely to this plan. The one thing I pretty much entirely forgot to account for was eating. Silly me. When I was out running my errands I suddenly realized I was completely starved and didn’t want to go to massage with a completely empty gurgling stomach. I made an impromptu and great decision and pulled into a Subway before my appointment. Eat to be nourished was the goal. Ham sandwich later and I was on my way to my massage.

The massage was nice and relaxing. The only thing I will say is that I kind of wanted it more intense. Does that make sense? I think perhaps I want a “deep tissue” massage instead of just a Swedish. I kept wanting her to push harder, but I didn’t say that. I don’t really know the exact etiquette of such things. I enjoyed it and it was lovely and all but I can stand a little more pain I guess. I have to say though I am a huge sucker for having my feet touched. I can see how all that reflexology stuff could be true; I adore someone rubbing my feet. It does it for me for sure. Afterwards I felt good and the sun was shining so all things considered it felt great.

I came home and putted around the house the rest of the evening. Sunday morning came too early by all accounts…. Literally… As I knew it would getting up at 7 AM to be to the store by 8 AM was hard. Daylight savings is a horrible bitch. But I did it. We spent a couple hours out and about shopping but I mostly spent the day hanging out with my mom and sister. We ended up going to Red Lobster for lunch. Pretty much my favorite restaurant ever. Made lots of good healthy decisions and called it good. Totally on track… no slip ups for this woman. Honestly I was bound and determined to keep this weekend on track so that I could mentally feel proud of myself.

I came home around 4 PM and honestly was not feeling any of it. I mean, I was tired and lazy and unmotivated. I thought to myself there really was no good reason I could not exercise other than I didn’t really want to. I toyed back in forth with the idea in my head of exercise for a solid hour. I kept thinking of a quote from pinterest so I went to pinterest and started reading thru my quotes for motivation. And low and behold it worked….

Basically I kept repeating to myself,

You can feel sore tomorrow or you can feel sorry tomorrow. You choose.



And low and behold, I put on my workout clothes, filled my water bottle and hit the treadmill. To my amazement it actually wasn’t as grueling as I feared. It actually felt pretty amazing and really did do the trick to cure my otherwise sluggish mood. Amazing how exercise really does make you feel better afterwards. (Another quote from pinterest that I was thinking about yesterday)



Both Saturday night and Sunday night after my run I made myself a delicious smoothie that I have fallen in love with. I have come around to the joy of Greek yogurt. I am not a girl who can just eat yogurt with a spoon. I just have never been that girl. However, if I take a cup of the Greek yogurt and mix it with fruit (in particular mangos, papayas and pineapple) A premixed blend I got from Costco, and blend it all up in my nutrabullet it is this amazing smoothie concoction that I gulp down. Plus somewhere after about 20 minutes afterwards I feel really content. The Greek yogurt has lots of great benefits for you. I found that I like a little thicker consistency on my smoothie than just water base produces. Yogurt is definitely the way to go.

I ended the weekend with two successful healthy living days. I did not exceed my point values and I got in two runs and I felt great about my food choices. Very important for my mental well-being. I don’t feel like any of this is necessarily going to produce any greater movement of the scale but it really wasn’t about that for me. It was about proving to myself that for this one weekend I could stick to it and be healthy. It’s good to prove to yourself that you are capable.

I love that I don’t start today’s post of with saying a general feeling of ehh about my weekend. I like that it’s a Monday and I don’t feel like I’m playing catch up for my weekend. I feel like the next three days before weigh-in I can be happy and healthy and positive and not try to undo some of the damage. Instead I am adding to a great base of 4 solid days of good choices. Mentally this Monday feels so much better already. Of course the universe did steal an hour from me which really sucked this morning and of course I am at work which really sucks too… But my outlook is positive for this week.

Today I have healthy good foods. I brought a lean cuisine pizza for lunch. I really do love those things. I have 2 bananas and 2 apples for snacks. Of course I have my water with me as well. I will run again tonight. Just a normal average run. Chris actually has the normal shift at work tomorrow which means its messes with my long Biggest Loser Tuesday night run. Not sure what I will do about that. He works late on Wednesday instead so I don’t know if I should wait to watch my Biggest Loser and have my long run till Wednesday. Or maybe I won’t do a long run this week just 3 more normal runs since I added an extra work out this week. That’s probably a better choice. Either way, I will run and be healthy and that is what matters most.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Putting in the Work



I am mixing things up today by putting my quote first for a very important reason. Last night while I was lying in bed, having a horrible night’s sleep I kept thinking about the reality that you won’t get results if you don’t put in the work and I of course remember reading a quote similar to this sentiment and had to find it today to share.

I do believe this is going to be my motto this weekend.
“Don’t be upset by the results you didn’t get with the work you didn’t do.”

Pretty basic, and yet still so hard all at once. Mainly I was referencing my horrible atittudes on the past couple weekends and my inability to really produce any solid healthy living. I haven’t been proud of myself the past two weekends and I really want to make this one a different story. But as the quote goes, I have no right to be upset with myself if I don’t put in the effort. Last weekend in particular I did not exercise once in two days. Really, that might be unacceptable to me. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a killer run, but something…

I honestly am not upset with my results from last week. I think I’m doing fine and whether I exercised over the weekend or not I am certain would not fully have affected the scale but mostly I am upset by my attitude. That is what I want to change. So I will, I promise myself this today, get in at least 1 workout in the two days I have availiable to me, just for me, over the weekend. One would really think I could manage 1 workout.

Last night I did get in a run. It wasn’t a pretty run but it was still a run and I took it! Later in the evening I took a shower and actually spent the time afterwards to blow dry my hair. As Chris was otherwise preoccupied all last evening I was pretty much on my own which lead to me staring at myself in the mirror for a while. Ha… can’t help it, it’s how I gauge how things are changing in my body. Anyway, I was actually feeling pretty good about how things are shaping up. BUT… and this is an easy fix, I realized that I might want to cut my hair a little. I always pull my hair back because basically I can’t stand to have my hair hanging down in my face, it’s just too long so I need to find some inspiration or perhaps a cute shoulder length layered do online that inspires me to actually go to a salon. My hair is flat and boring otherwise and it just might be time for a change. I mean my massage isn’t until 3 tomorrow, there’s always time to sneak in a hair cut in the morning…. Ha, we will see.

So I felt incredibly guilty last night because I was talking to my sister Jen on the phone and she was telling me how much she was struggling with motivation. She has been working out with her trainer for a week and she didn’t lose any weight. My heart sank. I felt bad for ever having a slightly negative thought. I want her to be successful and honestly, there simply is no way that we should even be competitive at all in any way shape or form. I forgot that I am obsessive compulsive so its difficult for anyone to take on things the way I do. My sister is NOT obsessive compulsive. She is a hypochondriac but I don’t think that proves any benefit in the weight loss realm. My very first instinct was to try and help her and encourage her all I could. I suggested to her what I have said on here which is maybe she shouldn’t weigh herself for a month, as to not get discouraged. She sounded so defeated and sad. It broke my heart. I tried to be as encouraging as possible. Instantly I felt like a horrible human being for writing the words I did on this site… I know I didn’t really wish her any negativity but I still felt bad. I love her so much and only want her success, really. It’s so hard to hear someone you love so much struggle and sound so sad. :(

Anyway, I am ready and excited to have a perfectly on track healthy weekend. I feel like I can do that and pamper me and stay focused. I got this. I will put in the work this weekend to get the results that I want. And the result is not scale driven, its mental…. I just want to prove to myself that I can do this. That its possible for me to have a great healthy weekend!

That is all, now back to our regularly scheduled lives….

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Mind Blown

This morning I lost 1.8 pounds which puts me at 162.8. I will take it. In my heart I know this is a good number and I’m thrilled with 1.8 pounds, I really am, but at some points it just seems like another number. It’s just routine and somewhere in the middle from where I was and where I want to be. It’s a good number but it doesn’t produce any milestone or have any great significance. But it’s a good number. I keep saying that, because I really mean it. I know 1.8 pounds in a week is really good. Considering that I keep having similar weeks. Perhaps each week you don’t really notice the 1.8’s etc., but at some point they do add up. I mean I have lost a total of 57.2 pounds now, so clearly they must add up. But for now it’s just another number on the journey to where I want to get to. I’ll take it and be happy because it’s a solid loss for the week.

I don’t have any major plans for this upcoming week other than I really should focus on being as healthy as possible because I basically have two weeks before my life gets crazy with the garage sale. I need to focus on and enjoy the free time I have available to me now. I also whole heartedly believe in rewarding yourself for all your efforts and I’m really considering a massage this Saturday as a little personal reward. I am not sure what I’m rewarding other than the fact that I really just want a massage. I think I’ve had 2 in my life and they were probably 7-8 years ago. But last weekend getting my facial make me realize how much I would love to sit in a quite tranquil room and have someone rub my tired body. As a general rule my body is always tired or sore enough to benefit from a massage I am certain. I am not sure though what I’m really going to do. I guess I probably need to call around this afternoon and see if anyone has any available openings for a Saturday massage. I feel like I’ve earned the massage since I mean, I have lost 57.2 pounds… Okay that’s not really an excuse!

I was actually thinking last night, when I was formulating my massage plan for the weekend that when I am happy and healthy and thinner I turn into one high maintenance bitch. I’m expensive!!! When I’m fat and unhappy I don’t want to leave the house. I guess I spend a ton of money on food but we still go out to dinner a lot so I’m not sure that really had decreased the food budget. But now I am back to getting my fake nails and pedicures and now a facial and I could totally go for a monthly massage. Yup, high maintenance. Also, my monthly Victoria secret spendage is probably higher than it should be. I don’t like to tally it up for sure but I have the credit card with them and earn rewards points so I charge stuff and then immediately pay it. It’s scary to see how many orders have been placed in the last 6 months. I guess again when I’m fat I don’t like to shop at all and certainly am not in the mood for cute Victoria Secret stuff that doesn’t fit… but watch out when I am happy again!

I like the finer things in life and I am not sure there is really anything wrong with that. I am 33 years old, I work full time, I kind of have a second couponing job and I don’t have children. If I want to spend money on myself I think that is perfectly acceptable. Last month I paid off a huge bill that was lingering over my head. I was making $200 a month payments on this for the last 3 ½ years or so and last month it got completely paid off. That is exciting! So I do make progress otherwise. When I was 18, right out of high school I got lots of credit cards and then maxed them and then paid for years on them and then quit paying for years on them… my credit was shot for a very long time. It’s only been in the past year that things have finally improved. But as a result I am SUPER careful with my cards and credit. I don’t actually like to have any debt because I spent so much of my life in debt and then without any credit that I pretty much immediately pay anything I charge so I guess sometimes I am not sure why I even need a credit card other than to earn rewards and benefits.

I can honestly say in the last year and a half since I’ve had a couple different credit cards I have not paid a dime of interest on them because I always pay them off completely. I am scared because of my past history I suppose. I want to build up good credit again. Chris has excellent credit though so we aren’t really hurting. This is how we have a house because he gets great interest rates.

Anyway back to pampering myself. I did just make an appointment for a massage on Saturday at 3 PM. But let me tell you I had to call about 6 places before I found one with an opening. I guess it’s harder than I thought. And actually I called this place and they said they only had a male masseuse available and I said I’d call back if I couldn’t find anything else. I just am not sure if I’m ready for a male. I don’t think my husband would like a guy touching me, even if it’s completely non-sexual. Anyhow, I called another place and they had nothing and then my work phone rang with Pamper Me Massage on the caller ID so I answered and she said she moved an appointment around from her woman masseuse to her male and now I could have the 3 PM appointment with the woman. I said great, I’ll take it. So apparently God did want me to have a massage on Saturday after all :) Or else I could just not wait until Thursday afternoon to book an appointment for Saturday but I REALLY suck at making appointments; I am more of a spur of the moment kind of gal.

Anyway the plan is to go home and run tonight, despite the reality that Chris is home today and tomorrow and it does tend to interfere with my desire to run… Have a healthy dinner and then wake up and start the day all over again.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

I'm no expert

It has been another busy morning at work and I am just now getting to sit down at my desk and think about anything other than work. I know, funny concept, since I am at work and all :) I guess the good news is that it is now securely in the afternoon already and my day is half done. That is joy. It is still yucky and cold outside which is not much fun, but I am wearing a cute outfit today so that makes me feel a little better.

Last night was really really good. I actually felt amazing and was completely in need to the killer workout I put in…. See these numbers…



Yes, that is a 12.25 miles ran and 1618 calories burned. It was a really good run for sure. I actually could kind of feel it in my soul all day yesterday. As if you can feel such things in your soul but if you can I did. I knew that my body was excited for a nice good run. I was also excited to watch the new makeover episode of Biggest Loser. The stars and the moons aligned and I got on my treadmill and felt great. I ran and was going along and 20 minutes in didn’t even notice that 20 minutes had passed. That is the sign for me that this is going to be a good one. After an hour of running, I did pause the treadmill so that I could go to the bathroom and refill my water bottle and then I got back on and ran another 45 minutes and finished up Biggest Loser. So yes, 1 hour 45 minutes and 12.25 miles later I felt amazing.

After my run I headed over to my mom’s house and spent about an hour and a half over there talking to her, doing some couponing stuff and I picked up my pampered chef order. Anyway, I felt really good. I actually felt like my body could have kept going but logically I knew it was time to quit. When I came home Chris was about 10 minutes after me and I got in the shower and came out and made myself some pork and avocado dinner. Amazingly good as well. Two solid runs in two days is so what this body was needing. Tonight I run again as it’s my last chance workout night. But I am pretty certain tonight is only an 8 mile run. That is my typical normal run.

As I said yesterday some weeks it’s so hard to judge if you’re making progress at all. Last week I knew in my heart I had lost weight as I swear I felt smaller, this week I feel nothing. In fact the reality of having my period made me feel a little bloated this week but I need to not dwell on that. In fact, I need to keep reminding myself that even when I have weeks that I don’t “feel” smaller or like I’ve lost weight my track record tells me that I will lose something. I am not really worried or anything but just more curious. I guess that’s how one gets the day before a weigh-in. It’s also an amazingly good thing I’ve kicked my obsessive weigh-ing in. It’s good healthy behaviors for this girl :)

My older sister Jennifer and her family have joined a gym where the live. They live 3 hours away from us and I do miss my kiddos a lot. My niece and nephew are pretty much the loves of my life and I consider them like my own children as I don’t ever intend to have my own. Anyhow, I am hopefully for her that things work out. I worry about her a lot actually. I am fairly certain she doesn’t know that this online world of mine exists. Well, she knew of its existence 8 years ago but I’m pretty certain she has no clue I am blogging again. My point in this is I feel like I can speak freely about her and not have it offend her or feel bad. Actually, other than Chris, I am pretty certain no one from my real life knows I’m blogging again either. I kind of like keeping it that way for now.

Anyhow, back to my sister Jen. I love her to death. She is 2 years older than me and was always my best friend. As we’ve gotten older and she’s lived her whole adult life 3 hours away from me we probably aren’t as close as we once were, but we are all so stinking close for a family that it’s probably amazing to most people. Anyhow, she is overweight. She has gotten more overweight as the years have gone by. Like everyone else it makes her sad and depressed and at points has caused issues in her own marriage. None of this is a new concept to anyone. I’ve had my own same issues. Anyhow, next October my mom and my other sister Pamela are planning a trip to Maui as well and my sister Jen has decided that her and her family are going to go as well. I have some other weird emotions about this topic actually that I am not really going to go into here right now, but that’s a story for another day. The point is, since she is thinking of going to a beach in October I suspect that she felt it might be time to tackle some of the weight issues.

Her family joined the gym and she paid for personal training sessions. I honestly have no idea how much that is. Part of me is jealous because my mom has a trainer and now Jen has a trainer but then I remind myself that the reason I don’t have a trainer isn’t entirely because of the money. I could afford it if I really wanted it. I don’t do it because I like my routine and it seems to be working for me. I don’t like to be tied down to appointments or other people’s expectations etc. Maybe someday, but for now I am content as things are.

I am really hoping that she is able to stick to it and lose some weight. I also know how hard it is in the beginning when you start something like that, especially because when you are staring down the reality of having to lose 100 pounds even if you lost 2 pounds a week for a month, you have only lost like 10 pounds and all the work you have to put into it barely seems worth it. This is the exact reason I waited an entire month to weigh myself when I started. I weighed and then literally did not get on that scale for a month. I was too afraid of only seeing 2 pounds or less each week and having it bring me down. Instead I focused on being healthy for that month and how it made me feel and then when I weighed myself finally after a month, it was encouraging to see 10 pounds gone. That was acceptable.

From a purely selfish standpoint I am excited she is trying because the more people in my immediate family that live a healthy lifestyle the better for me. We are a family that when we all get together we tend to celebrate and eat food and it is hard when you are trying to be healthy. It has been easier now that my mom is on board with me but it will just be one step easier if my sister is doing it to. Plus the reality is I worry about my sister’s and their health to. I learned a long time ago that I can’t talk about weight stuff to much in front of them without it driving them crazy and probably ultimately making them feel bad. You can’t force anyone to be healthy who isn’t really ready to be healthy. I know this from multiple personal experiences. I just want the best for her and her kids. I want her to be the best possible mom that I know she wants to be.

And then…. And yet… this is the shameful part that I have to admit and can only admit here… are you ready for it…

Part of me, a very small part, is worried that she will be more successful than me, or doesn’t really want her to go to the gym and be healthy because that is my thing. That is what identifies me. I want to be the one in the family that is the healthy runner. She will NEVER be a runner so I don’t have to worry about that really. But I am ashamed to admit that a small part of me is like, oh God, if she loses weight how does that really affect me and my identity?

Fucked up, right? Truly the part of me that thinks that way is a tiny small fraction. More than anything I want her to be healthy and happy. I really do. It’s just I have that moment of oh shit, how can I define my identity if I’m not the only one…. But I am more than just this and I think I’ll be just fine. It’s just interesting that this thought even entered my mind. And honestly I don’t think I’ve given it as much thought as I just have writing this out. So I actually didn’t mean to give this topic this much thought. I should have just said, my sister joined a gym and I’m excited for her to get healthy too. Period. End of topic.

So back to me, which is what I’m supposed to talk about after all since it’s all about me… HA HA… it’s funny because I am so not a person who makes anything all about me and yet I have a whole blog where I just talk about myself. I am excited for the day to be over and to go home and have a nice run and a healthy dinner to be followed by a Thursday morning weigh-in. Everything else is going along pretty good and I simply cannot complain too much about anything. (Despite what this post might otherwise indicate)

We all have to start from somewhere to get anywhere and I’d do good to be reminded of that today. We shall see what tomorrow brings!