In search of a better attitude

Last night was a vast improvement from the previous night’s escapades. By no means is my cough gone, but it is such an improvement that I consider it a victory that I was able to sleep. It’s amazing how important sleep is to not only the body but the mind as well. I only woke up once last night to cough at about 3 AM. Considering I went to bed around 10 and woke at 3 and then was able to go right back to bed I’d say it was a victory all around.

I managed to come home yesterday and change into my workout clothes for a treadmill session. By no means was it the greatest workout in the world but anything is better than nothing. I really wanted to watch the Biggest Loser finale so I pushed thru. I was happy with the outcome of the finale. I was actually happy with pretty much all the contestants’ results and that is rare. Usually there are one or two contestants that ultimately just can’t seem to hack it at home. It looks like most of them were relatively successful which is nice.

I can still tell I am not at my 100%. I suspect it will take a little more time for me to make a full recovery and thus feel like myself again. I completely feel like I have been phoning it in all week. My heart is just not 100% in anything. It’s not just the being healthy stuff, it’s pretty much every aspect of my life. Honestly I am glad tomorrow is Thursday as it offers me a chance to start out a new fresh week. I’m already thinking ahead because I’m pretty certain tomorrow will be a bust. I know you should never plan to fail, but I feel like that is exactly what I’m doing. Mentally preparing myself for tomorrow’s unkind weigh-in. I have been so off all week and my food hasn’t been wonderful and I’ve just felt so run down that it’s hard to imagine anything positive on that scale. I am a firm believer in our body responding to the mental vibes we give out. Nothing I’ve been giving out all week has been particularly kind. I am not expecting my body to respond on its own, but we shall see.

Not to mention I’ve been walking around feeling extra bloated all week. Not sure what that’s about. It doesn’t really matter; tomorrow I get to start fresh. That is a beautiful thing. I can chalk this one up to a bad sick week and be thankful that I just survived and maybe lost a little. (I’m still hoping I lose a little)…

I honestly believe that anyone can be healthy and lose weight when faced with perfect conditions. I think we’d all be thin if we spent our lives in the healthy bliss of a perfectly contrived world lacking in sickness, or anguish or stress or turmoil. It’s a lovely thought but not even close to being possible. We make ourselves stronger, better versions of ourselves when we manage to live thru the obstacles that are presented in our paths. I can honestly say I have grown more in my defeats and tough times than I have learned anything from the positive easy ones. I mean, I would still love to live as happy and positive as possible but God knows the hiccups are always just right around the corner. If I can lose anything this week that is success. That is staring down a less than perfect week and facing it with grace and control.

Sometimes I wonder how it is that I can actually be so positive about all this considering this is the billionth time I have gained and lost weight. Sometimes I almost feel like a total sham because how can anything I say really mean anything since I so often fail at all of this. I keep hoping that I get smarter and wiser as I go but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I feel smarter and wiser this time around but I kind of remember feeling that way the last time and clearly I failed miserably. How amazing would it be to just live your life and not have to worry so much about all this shit? Never going to happen for me since I was not blessed with skinny genes.

I am honestly just hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a much better attitude. It’s not that my attitude is entirely off, it’s just that when you feel like crap physically it’s hard to mentally put yourself in the game. I feel like a broken record. I can do this. I will do this. I won’t feel like crap forever!

Tonight Chris works late again so it’s just me and Molly for the night. I do plan on running, but in the spirit of planning to fail, I know it’s going to be tough since it will be my 5th day in a row. Maybe I will only do a short run and supplement with something else. Perhaps some elliptical. Yup, I could use that shiny expensive elliptical machine that sits right next to my treadmill… Or else I could do some weights or perhaps open up the kettle ball I bought like 3 years ago that is still in the packaging with a workout video. We will see.

Whatever happens tonight is fine, I really want to focus on making tomorrow happy and healthy and starting the week off right. I’m going to call today as just survive, get thru it and hope for a great fresh start tomorrow.