I'm no expert

It has been another busy morning at work and I am just now getting to sit down at my desk and think about anything other than work. I know, funny concept, since I am at work and all :) I guess the good news is that it is now securely in the afternoon already and my day is half done. That is joy. It is still yucky and cold outside which is not much fun, but I am wearing a cute outfit today so that makes me feel a little better.

Last night was really really good. I actually felt amazing and was completely in need to the killer workout I put in…. See these numbers…



Yes, that is a 12.25 miles ran and 1618 calories burned. It was a really good run for sure. I actually could kind of feel it in my soul all day yesterday. As if you can feel such things in your soul but if you can I did. I knew that my body was excited for a nice good run. I was also excited to watch the new makeover episode of Biggest Loser. The stars and the moons aligned and I got on my treadmill and felt great. I ran and was going along and 20 minutes in didn’t even notice that 20 minutes had passed. That is the sign for me that this is going to be a good one. After an hour of running, I did pause the treadmill so that I could go to the bathroom and refill my water bottle and then I got back on and ran another 45 minutes and finished up Biggest Loser. So yes, 1 hour 45 minutes and 12.25 miles later I felt amazing.

After my run I headed over to my mom’s house and spent about an hour and a half over there talking to her, doing some couponing stuff and I picked up my pampered chef order. Anyway, I felt really good. I actually felt like my body could have kept going but logically I knew it was time to quit. When I came home Chris was about 10 minutes after me and I got in the shower and came out and made myself some pork and avocado dinner. Amazingly good as well. Two solid runs in two days is so what this body was needing. Tonight I run again as it’s my last chance workout night. But I am pretty certain tonight is only an 8 mile run. That is my typical normal run.

As I said yesterday some weeks it’s so hard to judge if you’re making progress at all. Last week I knew in my heart I had lost weight as I swear I felt smaller, this week I feel nothing. In fact the reality of having my period made me feel a little bloated this week but I need to not dwell on that. In fact, I need to keep reminding myself that even when I have weeks that I don’t “feel” smaller or like I’ve lost weight my track record tells me that I will lose something. I am not really worried or anything but just more curious. I guess that’s how one gets the day before a weigh-in. It’s also an amazingly good thing I’ve kicked my obsessive weigh-ing in. It’s good healthy behaviors for this girl :)

My older sister Jennifer and her family have joined a gym where the live. They live 3 hours away from us and I do miss my kiddos a lot. My niece and nephew are pretty much the loves of my life and I consider them like my own children as I don’t ever intend to have my own. Anyhow, I am hopefully for her that things work out. I worry about her a lot actually. I am fairly certain she doesn’t know that this online world of mine exists. Well, she knew of its existence 8 years ago but I’m pretty certain she has no clue I am blogging again. My point in this is I feel like I can speak freely about her and not have it offend her or feel bad. Actually, other than Chris, I am pretty certain no one from my real life knows I’m blogging again either. I kind of like keeping it that way for now.

Anyhow, back to my sister Jen. I love her to death. She is 2 years older than me and was always my best friend. As we’ve gotten older and she’s lived her whole adult life 3 hours away from me we probably aren’t as close as we once were, but we are all so stinking close for a family that it’s probably amazing to most people. Anyhow, she is overweight. She has gotten more overweight as the years have gone by. Like everyone else it makes her sad and depressed and at points has caused issues in her own marriage. None of this is a new concept to anyone. I’ve had my own same issues. Anyhow, next October my mom and my other sister Pamela are planning a trip to Maui as well and my sister Jen has decided that her and her family are going to go as well. I have some other weird emotions about this topic actually that I am not really going to go into here right now, but that’s a story for another day. The point is, since she is thinking of going to a beach in October I suspect that she felt it might be time to tackle some of the weight issues.

Her family joined the gym and she paid for personal training sessions. I honestly have no idea how much that is. Part of me is jealous because my mom has a trainer and now Jen has a trainer but then I remind myself that the reason I don’t have a trainer isn’t entirely because of the money. I could afford it if I really wanted it. I don’t do it because I like my routine and it seems to be working for me. I don’t like to be tied down to appointments or other people’s expectations etc. Maybe someday, but for now I am content as things are.

I am really hoping that she is able to stick to it and lose some weight. I also know how hard it is in the beginning when you start something like that, especially because when you are staring down the reality of having to lose 100 pounds even if you lost 2 pounds a week for a month, you have only lost like 10 pounds and all the work you have to put into it barely seems worth it. This is the exact reason I waited an entire month to weigh myself when I started. I weighed and then literally did not get on that scale for a month. I was too afraid of only seeing 2 pounds or less each week and having it bring me down. Instead I focused on being healthy for that month and how it made me feel and then when I weighed myself finally after a month, it was encouraging to see 10 pounds gone. That was acceptable.

From a purely selfish standpoint I am excited she is trying because the more people in my immediate family that live a healthy lifestyle the better for me. We are a family that when we all get together we tend to celebrate and eat food and it is hard when you are trying to be healthy. It has been easier now that my mom is on board with me but it will just be one step easier if my sister is doing it to. Plus the reality is I worry about my sister’s and their health to. I learned a long time ago that I can’t talk about weight stuff to much in front of them without it driving them crazy and probably ultimately making them feel bad. You can’t force anyone to be healthy who isn’t really ready to be healthy. I know this from multiple personal experiences. I just want the best for her and her kids. I want her to be the best possible mom that I know she wants to be.

And then…. And yet… this is the shameful part that I have to admit and can only admit here… are you ready for it…

Part of me, a very small part, is worried that she will be more successful than me, or doesn’t really want her to go to the gym and be healthy because that is my thing. That is what identifies me. I want to be the one in the family that is the healthy runner. She will NEVER be a runner so I don’t have to worry about that really. But I am ashamed to admit that a small part of me is like, oh God, if she loses weight how does that really affect me and my identity?

Fucked up, right? Truly the part of me that thinks that way is a tiny small fraction. More than anything I want her to be healthy and happy. I really do. It’s just I have that moment of oh shit, how can I define my identity if I’m not the only one…. But I am more than just this and I think I’ll be just fine. It’s just interesting that this thought even entered my mind. And honestly I don’t think I’ve given it as much thought as I just have writing this out. So I actually didn’t mean to give this topic this much thought. I should have just said, my sister joined a gym and I’m excited for her to get healthy too. Period. End of topic.

So back to me, which is what I’m supposed to talk about after all since it’s all about me… HA HA… it’s funny because I am so not a person who makes anything all about me and yet I have a whole blog where I just talk about myself. I am excited for the day to be over and to go home and have a nice run and a healthy dinner to be followed by a Thursday morning weigh-in. Everything else is going along pretty good and I simply cannot complain too much about anything. (Despite what this post might otherwise indicate)

We all have to start from somewhere to get anywhere and I’d do good to be reminded of that today. We shall see what tomorrow brings!