My Freeze Image Moment

So I recently watched Bridget Jones’s Diary for like the millionth time in my life. Bridge has always been one of my favorite heroines of all time and it occurred to me the other day I had not seen the movie in years so one evening it found its way into the DVD player and away we went. The point of this mention is this. There was a moment in the movie where the image freeze frames and a voice over goes, there, that moment right there, that exact moment was the moment where I decided to do something about it. It was the subtle use of the freeze image to capture the exact moment that something major changed for our heroine. I had that exact moment on Sunday afternoon while running on the treadmill. Where else would I have a major life change moment anyway?

Sunday was in fact the Disneyland Half Marathon run which apparently is really difficult to actually get registered for because it’s ultra-competitive to just get to run the race. Who knew? Anyway, tweets and Facebook pictures started coming in early of celebrities (okay celebrities to me, even if their actual celebrity status may be in question think Biggest Loser people here) Anyway, I started seeing images and felt that familiar feeling of jealousy rise up in my stomach. That feeling of hmm… and I couldn’t quite place it. You see, I am a huge Disney fan. It’s not like I walk around talking about Disney or loving it but I do. It taps into my inner child that has never left me. Anyway, I have often thought about the Run Disney adventure. We all know I’ve been yo-yoing my life and weight around for 10 years and often in those 10 years I have come back to thinking it would be amazing to run Disney. I very quickly dismiss this thought for various reasons. Money. Traveling to run? Fear. Lack of belief in myself. I’ve always given myself a million reasons why I could not possibly be one of those people. I am not good enough. As the images came in Sunday and I ran around and did errands and finally headed to the gym I had given this thing a lot of thought really. More thought than one probably should. And my Bridget moment was looming.

I didn’t really want to kill another giant long run on Sunday but I did want the high of running so I decided to go ahead and run a fast 5k. Well, fast for me. As to the actual “fastness” of the run, that might be in question but for now it is the fastest I have recorded a 5k run. I am at the point where I run at about a 6.4 on the treadmill speed wise. I decided to go ahead and start my run at a 7.0 speed just to see. Then I was like I can go faster so I went to 7.2 and decided to go for it. If it was too fast I could always bump it down to a 6.4 mid-way thru my 5k run. But I wanted to do it. And of course I had the new Katy Perry Roar song on repeat and as all of these factors converged; I experienced my Bridget Jones freeze image moment.

I started running, like really running, running faster than I have run 7.2. I have images of Disney running thru my head. I have all this self-doubt that I’ve carried around for years and then I hear Katy Perry signing out, “I’ve got the eye of the tiger. Cause I am a champion. And you’re going to hear me roar. Louder than a lion.” And I shit you not, as this played into my ears loudly, I had tears streaming down my face. Why do I always cry on the treadmill? “I went from zero, to my own hero.” Lyrics in the song. I AM A CHAMPION. And as I was running and I felt amazing, I believed every single word of those lyrics. And then it happened. As if the world suddenly paused for my epiphany. And I freeze framed that exact moment where the light bulb turned on in my head. “I AM going to run a Disney race.” I AM a champion and I can do whatever the fuck I put my mind to. I am so much stronger and more capable than I give myself any credit for. Why not me? Why not? I’m tired of all of those ridiculous excuses I’ve given myself for 10 years. I’m tired of not believing in myself. I’m tired of not thinking I am one of those people who can achieve things they’ve dreamed about. And the world seemed to pause while I made this exact decision and tears of strength and courage streamed down my face. Except the world didn’t actually pause because I was running pretty damned fast and feeling amazing.

I certainly have my best mental break thrus while in the throes of a good run. And ultimately while the decision was about deciding to run Disney in 2014 it was about more than that too. That Bridget moment that I have freeze framed in my mind is not about the decision to run Disney. That freeze frame moment for me is the exact moment where I decided that I was going to get the fuck out of my own way for the first time in my life. That I was going to stop putting stupid restrictions on myself and my abilities. That I was no longer going to be afraid to pursue whatever it is that makes me happy. That was my moment that I want to remember forever. That exact moment where I decided to let myself follow my passion, whatever it might be.

Now I can’t promise that this will always come easy to me or I won’t struggle, but that moment was so unbelievably powerful that I just want to remember it perfectly as it was. I have never, really honestly, EVER in my whole life felt more pure unadulterated passion or happiness. Is that odd that my moment of Zen happiness comes while running faster than I ever have on a treadmill, while crying, while listening to a female empowerment song?

I’ve spent my entire life chasing myself really. From an early age my personality was established, my character formed and this girl was taking shape inside of me. I was a self-conscious girl my whole life who secretly wanted more. I played with Barbie’s until I was like 16, no joke. Like dressed them up and made them talk to each other. I still have Barbie’s. They no longer converse with one another :) I grew into a teenager who felt powerless but craved more. I secretly wanted to be pretty and popular. I dreamed of being Homecoming Queen. Not ever happening. I wanted a popular boyfriend. Guys didn’t look at me. I wanted to be Samantha Baker from 16 Candles. (I just watched 16 Candles last night!) And I wanted my Jake Ryan.

As I hit my late teens and life was not at all what I had envisioned I still sought out female empowering role models that I wished I could be. It seems to be no coincidence that Buffy the Vampire Slayer quickly became my obsession. Or that I fell in love with Sex and the City. Or that years later P!nk would become my love. Notice a pattern of strong kick-ass women? Something that I was striving to be but always came up short on. They all embodied the things that I was not brave enough to be. The picture of how I wanted to live my life but didn’t know how to. There is nothing I love more than a strong woman. Period. My respect and admiration for women who are strong and capable all by themselves have set the tone for my entire life.

When I first started blogging 10 years ago, it derived from the weight watchers messages boards, the 50+ pounds to lose board actually where I spent so much time talking to amazing women. It was from here where I met some of the most amazing women of my life and I got to see first-hand that that aside from fictional characters there really were women in real life who were the living embodiment of strength and courage. I slightly hero-worshiped some of them because I felt like they were everything I was not. Ultimately I became very proud to call them my friends.

All the while, forever and ever, never really believing in myself. Sure, I could lose weight. That is honestly the easy part when you are obsessive compulsive and start to do things to your body that you could not ever possibly keep up. But you know what happened? I lost the weight and for a while I would feel good, but I never really changed the inside. At times in 10 years I thought I had. And maybe for a brief period of time I had. But I didn’t really “get it”. I never got it. Fundamentally I understood that I could not do the things I was doing to lose weight for the entire duration of my life.

I never threw up my food. I never completely starved myself. But there were days where I would limit my food more than anyone ever should. There were days where I punished myself with exercise. There were days where despite being anything but “fat” I would torture myself in the mirror with words of hate and self-ridicule that was beyond unfair. I did not love my body despite professing to the world that I was happy losing weight and claiming to think this time was different. It never was. How could it possibly be when the self-hatred was still so profound? I was destined to fail. I see that now. Hindsight is 20/20. I was a walking mess.

My journey I am on right now is no longer about weight loss. That ended a couple months ago when I hit 140 pounds. The journey I am walking right now is the most important one of my life and the one that I can honestly and completely say I have NEVER gone on before. My journey is the one of self-love. My journey is about learning to love, appreciate, and believe in myself. It’s about loving all the good and all the bad about myself. Mainly, my journey is about finally really believing that I am a strong enough woman that I am capable of whatever I put my mind to.

I am different. I am so different today than I was at any other point in my life. I am so different than the girl that wrote about weight-loss even 4 months ago. I had no idea how profoundly this experience would change me. I had no idea I would have my very own Bridget Jones freeze picture moment where I could pin point the exact moment where I decided to really start saying YES to myself.

With age comes wisdom. Not that I am wise, by no means am I wise, but I wouldn’t trade where I am at for a million do-overs at my twenties. I was a hot mess for sure. Happiness is a beautiful thing. True happiness is something that I can’t describe. I am sure most people have experienced it over and over in their lives. But I feel like true happiness can only really be achieved when you learn to really love and accept yourself and up until lately I have honestly never done that. No wonder so much of my life has been lived with a big old question mark around it. How could I ever really be happy with anything, with anybody, with myself when I couldn’t really accept myself?

I believe in me. I believe that I can do whatever I decide to do. I am not saying I am magic and can do anything. I certainly cannot. But I believe that anything I decide to do, if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish it. I believe I am stronger than I ever thought. I believe that I identified with all these strong female archetypes because deep down I was one of them myself. I am a fucking strong ass woman. There I said it, and I believe it.

I am a champion. I will succeed at this life, at my life and I will be happier than I ever knew was possible not because of anyone else, but because of me. Because I finally see that I am worth it.