Love and Hate

I don’t really have a lot to say today which probably means I’ll write a book, ha. We all know I’m wordy. It’s as much my thing as anything else is. I love the written word. Always have. Good therapy. Of course I actually have a therapy appointment tonight at 7 so that might be good therapy as well :) I kind of just looked at the calendar and realized that I actually have some things booked on the schedule. Crazy for me. The first is I have a massage appointment made for this Friday. Seriously, I’m getting a massage? I say this sarcastically because it’s been far too long and somehow right now that sounds amazing. Of course Sunday is the big one. And by the big one I mean its ½ marathon time. Seriously, Sunday I will be running outside, rain or shine, in a half marathon. I will talk more about that as the weekend gets closer. Expect a pondering of it on Thursday or Friday. But for today, Tuesday, I will simply say holy shit, its happening. And it’s here. Am I ready? I’m scared shitless and kind of blocking it, but I suppose I’m ready. As ready as I’m going to be I guess.

Then the following Friday I have a Maroon 5/Kelly Clarkson concert. I am SOO excited about this actually. My sister and I are going and I’m thrilled. I love them both. It’s just fun seeing something on the calendar so close that is so exciting. Fun times. That shall be my reward for the ½ marathon. Well, that and actually finishing a ½ marathon I suppose.

Last night was personal training at the gym. It was leg day. Despite all the constant work I do with my legs it amazes me when I can still get sore from workouts. Today my upper thighs are sore. Crazy. I did a ton of squats last night so it makes sense. Nothing too major to report from my training session. Just another one, which ultimately will help shape and define my body. I’ll take it. Persistence not perfection. If you keep persisting at anything eventually you will get there. My new focus I’ve decided is going to be my stomach. I was focusing really hard the last 3 months on my arms and now I feel like they are looking really good and strong and I’m starting to see the very beginnings of some upper stomach muscles and now I’m excited to see if I can get any of those to show. I knew that going to the gym was going to provide me with challenge and after challenge. All new stuff and I love it. Oh Barney Simpson (How I Met Your Mother)… “Challenge Accepted!”

I have to say that I never thought I’d EVER have any amount of abs so the possibility that perhaps something might start to show is all the motivation I need to actually work on it. I have been so stuck on the reality that I have the extra skin droop, which I totally do, and therefore I thought it was impossible to get abs at all so I didn’t even think about it. I guess I didn’t realize that maybe I could get upper abs… we will see. I actually hate ab work most of all at the gym so I am not sure how much I am going to actually want to do it. I am just having too much fun trying out different stuff anyway. I don’t want to lose focus of my arms either because I am loving getting those muscular and defined. Plus I still think I look feminine. I mean, when I am not intentionally flexing everything I still look pretty damned soft. Too soft for my liking actually :)

I have been gathering all these ideas for comparison photos for my 1 year anniversary, of course that means I would actually have to follow thru which sometimes is not my strongest suit, but we will see. I also was thinking of things to do on my 1 year anniversary since it’s a Saturday and all. Of course the weather will probably be crappy by October 5 so that really limits the outdoor stuff but I thought about maybe doing indoor rock climbing. I have never done it before an always wanted to try it. Plus watching American Ninja Warrior these past weeks has made me think that I want to do that. Of course in reality it will probably be hella hard but I still want to try.

Last night at the gym I saw my aunt. She has a gym membership there as well but ususally goes to Curves, anyhow, we were talking. And at some point she looked at me and said, “This is it, isn’t it?” Referring to the reality that I am never going back. And I said, “Yeah, it is.” I find it interesting that it is that profound and obvious, or maybe it’s the way I’m carrying myself and the belief I finally have in myself, but this REALLY is it. This is the very last time I am ever losing the weight, or rather gaining the weight. I have known since the very beginning this was different and I am so thrilled that a year later I still believe with every fiber of my being that this is the last time. That this is a life style not a diet. This is how I am choosing to live the remainder of my life because it makes me feel so damned good.

I’m pretty sure this is the most consistent I have ever been with this my whole life. The most consistent I have been with blogging, with exercise, with health and nutrition with self-love. I believe a lot of it has to do with the inside of me. The outside changes, but it always changes with commitment and dedication. What makes this time the final time is the work I have done on the inside. It’s the complete change in attitude and perception of myself. I still have bad moments. I would not be human if I did not. But even as I was losing the weight, at 210 pounds, 190 pounds, 170 pounds, I actually loved myself all along the way. I actually embraced and loved my accomplishments during the entire process. That is new to me.

When I went to Las Vegas and saw Pink in February, which was one of the major catalysts for me doing this to begin with, I was 169 pounds but I would never have known it because I felt like I was at a goal weight. I was so love with myself and my body and my accomplishments. Looking back, I was still overweight and was not nearly where I would eventually end up, but it didn’t matter, I was on top of the world. I had a great vacation and felt beautiful and sexy. That is the truth. I figured out how to love myself at 169 pounds. I believe whole heartedly that is one of the reasons that I am going to be forever successful this time. I figured out how to change the inside. There is no part of me that has tackled any part of the journey this time out of self-hatred. I didn’t make the changes because I hated myself; I made the changes because I FINALLY loved myself. Do you realize the difference? I finally do.

For 10 years I lost weight when I got really overweight because I hated myself and the person I had become. It was all hate driven which prompted me to negative self-talk the entire journey and rush towards the goal, even though when I got to the goal I didn’t really love myself any better, thus gaining it all back.

This time I decided to lose the weight because I finally loved myself enough to do it. Because I loved myself enough to take care of myself and do positive things for myself that made me feel good about myself. There was minimal negative self-talk. There was none of the destructive behaviors that dominated most of my previous weight loss endeavors. Just straight up love of the woman I was becoming and acceptance of myself.

I cannot express enough how important the difference between love and hate in weight loss really is. That is the magic answer my friends. That and strength training. If I had to give you the secret to success I would tell you equally its self-love and strength training. That is what I’ve learned this time around. Funny coming from the cardio queen, the EPIC runner who has logged more miles on a treadmill than anyone probably should. Still a runner, I just now believe in the magic of strength training.

Oh, speaking of running, one more thing from last night. During one of my classes we did something different. We ended up going to the treadmills and doing sprint intervals with stair climbing. We were supposed to sprint for 1 minute, and then get off and go up and down the stairs twice and then go back and do another 1 minute sprint. I have never done sprints because I obviously just get on there to endurance distance run. Since we were doing sprints I decided to go ahead and see just how fast I could actually sprint. I ususally run between a 6.2-6.5 on the treadmill. I CAN run at a 7-7.2, which I have for a few 5k runs. In a pinch I know I can run up to about an 8. So as I stood there setting the speed I’m like its only 60 seconds, you can do anything for 60 seconds so for the first time EVER I ran at a 10 on the treadmill. Yup, I sprinted my ass off at a 10. But the point is, I could do it. I could not maintain that for more than 60 seconds, but I can sprint at a 10 for 60 seconds. Yup, I did that for the first time last night. There is always something new to accomplish, always. It’s just being brave enough to try.