Dark and Dreary Day

I don’t actually have all that much to say today, go figure. It’s kind of dark and dreary outside which pretty much instantly sucks all of my energy and motivation. Fun times. That and I’m hungry which also sucks. I equate hunger to growing pains. Like literally I am growing new muscles and they need to be fed like a small child craving nutrients. Lame, I know.

Last night I did something at the gym that I didn’t even realize was something I wanted to do. Ha. After I had been there for far too long I was walking out the door to leave and had to walk right by the boxes. You know, those boxes that people jump up and down on. I have used them before, but I can only stand and jump onto the lowest one. I know for certain a while ago that I tried to jump up onto the next one up and I could not. So I stuck with the small one and honestly in the very beginning it was all mind over matter. Its mentally more tough than physically. So last night I was jumping up and down, up and down because its fun, right? Anyway, I looked over at the next height up and was like, whatever, go ahead and try it. So Sure enough I COULD jump it. I jumped the next height up. It was hard. It is something I am going to have to practice for sure, but I did it. Challenge accepted as in the words of the fabulous Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother. (Ridiculously amazing show BTW) Anyway, challenge accepted and I didn’t even realize it was something that I wanted to do. That was pretty cool I guess.

Other than that it was a low key night at the gym I guess. I did my 3 classes which were cool and then I did some weights on my own. Nothing too spectacular of note. I am going back again tonight which isn’t shocking. Tonight I will do a ½ hour class that will most likely kick my ass because its with a crazy instructor. Crazy in a good way :) And then I will probably actually take Zumba class because it’s the same instructor and she really does a much more athletic version of Zumba…. Less dance, which is more appealing to my go, go, go persona. That will be it for me tonight though. As tonight is literally the 6th day in a row of gym time for me. Tomorrow is rest day. Friday’s are always my rest day actually and to make sure that happens I actually made myself a nail appointment at 5:15 so I don’t tempt myself with going to the gym. I really do think my body deserves 1 day off a week as much as I mentally hate it and have to force that break on myself. But I also desperately need a nail fill and for these suckers to be cut too. Way too long and they are driving me crazy. So that will be good.

This weekend I will head to the gym again Saturday morning for hopefully Turbokick, but that is also one of those wait and see type things. Will there be enough people for class? This depends greatly on the weekend. If not I will find something else to do. I really am quite the addict on that front. No doubt about it, this is 100% whole-heartedly my lifestyle now. I love my gym-time. I must admit though its much easier to get jacked about going to the gym when you are already at goal or physically where you want to be and everything I do from now on feels like icing on the cake. Much easier to stay committed when I don’t feel like I’m chasing this gigantic goal. I hate to say that because that’s probably not what most people want to hear but it’s the truth. I was still completely always focused while losing the weight but working out is easier nowadays when I just have the mentality that every activity I do is to better myself because I ALREADY love myself. Exercise is not about torture or punishment or self-loathing at this point.

Life is interesting. Mainly our brains are interesting things. I don’t know what it is or why some days we are just so full of energy and excitement and then other days its just blah. I am having a blah day actually. Most days I look in the mirror and love what I see. Today, not so much. Sure, I still love myself but today is just one of those days where I’m finding it more difficult to see the positive. I look in the mirror and am not really happy with what I see. I know its all in my head because nothing has changed since yesterday but still. Hate those days. Not exactly sure why but I just feel ugly today. I hate that word because no one is ever “ugly” but still. I am not immune to the realities of a bad day. We all have them. No matter what you weigh, no matter where you are at mentally or physically in life you still have bad days.

I’ve always said it and I 100% mean it, its easy to do this weight loss journey thing when everything is going right and you have all the motivation in the world. It gets tough and your true character shows when things aren’t clicking the way you like. You succeed when you find a way to push thru the bad days and keep going. Your success is not measured in the times of triumph but rather in the times you fall and pick yourself back up. So I’m struggling today a little but it does not define me or my journey.

Funny how you can look in the mirror one day and see this amazing strong woman and then the next day see something completely different. You suddenly see all the imperfections that you cannot change, the damage you did to your body that you will never be able to undo. And it depresses you. Oh well, some days you just got to live with it. They can’t all be rainbows and sunshine huh…. Literally, dark depressing rain clouds outside… I will survive.