A 2014 goal

Motivation is an interesting thing. Some day you have it in spades and some days no matter what you do you just can’t make yourself do…. Well… anything. And what is even more specific is that I can have all the motivation in the world to say workout or eat great and have absolutely zero motivation to work at all. I should work because that is what pays the bills. I should work because I stress about not working and if I just worked I would feel better the rest of the time and yet I don’t want to. Where the hell is my motivation to be a good employee? Completely lacking apparently.

You know what else is funny. The consistent reality that every so often some other random part of my body seems to be sore. Just when I think that I’ve exhausted every possible area of sore something new comes along. Today for some really peculiar reason my forearms are mush. Not sure exactly why, but they are. This is a new one. It’s always a new one these days.

I am tired. This probably has something to do with the reality that I have exercised for the last 5 days straight and tonight I am back at the gym for the 6th day in a row. Typically this breaks my cardinal error of over training but Friday night is my night off and that is the way it is. I will go Saturday morning for some turbo kick again, if it happens. This weekend I am going to the Oregon State Fair, which should be fun. I am also going with my momma to see Reo Speed wagon in concert. I like 80’s rock. I always have. I kind of grew up listening to it so Reo seemed like it might be fun. So yeah, that is happening.

I have also decided that this weekend I am going to purge and clean my clothing. This is a monstrous task. Seriously have clothes everywhere but it’s time to really evaluate and decided that items I really want. I have so many dresser drawers that I never open because they are literally full of clothes that I do not wear. It would be more effective to put the clothes I do wear in those drawers instead of tossed about. Not sure exactly how I’m tackling this whole process other than I am certain I will feel better once it’s accomplished. I have to take baby steps and I am certain a good clothes cleaning will help. Maybe I should just empty everything onto the bed in a giant massive mess of a pile and put back in only what I really want. I don’t know. It’s time though. I found a second hand store that will pay me like pennies on the dollar for my clothes but it’s better than nothing. I might try and take some clothes in there. We will see. I will feel beyond accomplished this weekend if I can just get thru my clothes. Maybe I’ll even tweet some of the clothes as I am going thru them, that should be fun. If you follow me on twitter you know that I am kind of a self-indulgent whore when it comes to taking pictures of cute clothes. Mostly I do my workout clothes but I’m not athletic apparel exclusive. I’ll cheat with a few cute dresses here and there!

It’s a long weekend which is totally awesome. I don’t want to work (see first paragraph above about having zero work motivation). I think if I can just push thru the rest of today and tomorrow then a 3 day weekend is exactly what the doctor ordered for me.

So I’ve obviously been doing a ton of thinking lately about things, and life, and happiness and what I really want and what really makes me happy and brings me contentment and peace. I know that I have never been happier in my whole life than when I am challenging myself. It may be hard and at points I may hate the pain of pushing myself but ultimately I am never more alive than when I am really pushing beyond what I thought I could do. That my true happiness has always lied in sharing my passion with others. That my fulfillment comes in the form of helping others succeed where they thought they couldn’t. I am eventually going somewhere in this/with this.

Like everything in my life, it is baby steps and takes a lot of time and reflection on my part to realize what I want/need out of life. I am starting to realize that part of what I love so much about blogging and why I always come back to it is this… I like the feeling of feeling like I somehow something I do affects anyone else. That my words, my actions, my strengths and my weaknesses can serve as any sort of inspiration to anyone else. I want to be the living proof that having struggled in this realm does not always mean it’s not possible. What I ultimately love is helping other people, in any way. I just want to share my complete love of this world with anyone who wants to listen. I may have stumbled a lot in my life with this but doesn’t it count for something that I always come back to it? I may disappear for periods of time but eventually I find my way back to this because this is where my heart truly lies.

If you’ve ever read my blog in the past, I think it’s safe to say that this time just feels so different. The light bulb of my life has gone off. About damned time right? Only took 10 years to realize where my true passion lies. I keep thinking about what is the best path for me. I am going to figure it out. With time, I will figure it out.

While thinking I keep coming back to a thought. Something that I want to do. A goal. A few weeks ago, hell, might have been a month now, on Extreme Weight Loss, Chris Powell made one of the girls hike the Grand Canyon and it really stuck with me. REALLY. I have decided that this next year, sometime in 2014, I am going to hike the Grand Canyon. It just seems like something that I would feel happy and proud to do. So I’m officially putting it out there now. Bucket List goal for 2014. Hike Grand Canyon. How’s that for goal setting. How’s that for believing in the impossible. This girl IS going to hike the Grand Canyon. I haven’t researched what or how just yet. I know there are tons of hikes and trails but I want a difficult challenging one. I want to be able to say that I did that.

I already feel like I can do anything I put my mind to. I love where I am going. I really do. My course is being shaped every moment and if you love me, you are just going to have to come along for the ride because I’m not stopping. If you are not moving with me then you are standing in my way. That is how I feel about it. I really love the person I am becoming and I’m ready for her to explode out of her shell.

I have made a ton of mistakes in my life. Far too many to count really. Some pretty major ones even but I have survived them all. I am not a bad person despite some of the questionable decisions I may have made. Every single mistake me make in life is a lesson in disguise. I am learning to embrace every past mistake as it takes me forward toward my eventual destination. Although I don’t believe we ever arrive at a final destination. We are always moving, working, growing. I think positive self-talk is really important, and the first, most important and hardest lesson to ever learn in life is to truly love and accept yourself. Just as you are.

I may have had an off day here or there on this journey. (Hell, who doesn’t?) But for the most part I have loved myself completely and learned to be proud of everything my body allows me to do. This is why I whole heartedly believe this is finally working the way I’ve always wanted it to work. This is why I am 11 months in and feel more motivated than ever. Why I know I am never going to quit now. Because I love myself too much now to quit. And it’s all about what I feel about the inside of me. Nothing to do with the outside appearance. Amazing. What a freaking journey I have been on. To just be able to believe in myself is so amazing.

So yes, I am going to hike the Grand Canyon. And I am going to have fun coming up with all the other things that I have always been too afraid to do but suddenly love myself enough to attempt. I knew 2013 was going to be a momentous year and honestly I have not been wrong thus far. It has been full of challenges and growth and so much self-discovery, but I wouldn’t trade any of it. This Emily is the best version of me and I am proud to death of her.