Mother of Compliments

Another day, more of the same. I’d say who reads this shit that I dribble out but then I actually had that question answered a few weeks ago with all the amazing emails I received form incredibly, awesome, strong woman throughout the United States. So as much as I dribble on and think it is inconsequential there is that little voice in the back of my head that says someone actually does read this. It is still a crazy thought to me as at my core I feel like such a simple girl using the written word to work thru her issues. Actually, I always wrote in journals my entire life to deal with the inside so this is just yet another form of my therapy. The fact that anyone else reads it or can pull anything from it to motivate or encourage them is the bonus.

Last night at the gym I had one of the single best compliments or happy moments. I know I say that all the time in terms of the gym being this amazing place for me and it whole-heartedly is but last night was the best form of affirmation for my past almost 3 months of work there. I consider my gym experience really to have begun when I returned from Maui and went back to the gym on June 12th. That was the start of this epic journey into gym land. Given we are now at September 4, we are just about a week shy of 3 months of effort.

Watching a scale go down is trackable progress. It is something very tangible we can record and work towards. It is complete motivation to be rewarded in such a way. When that particular journey is completed for you it gets a little dicier. This is the problem that has plagued me for 10 years. I am motivated by reward and accomplishment. Tangible, trackable, graph-able progress. When that progress ends because there is just no more you can do I tend to lose my way. It is much harder to put the progress that has been occurring the last 3 months into any sort of trackable form. But I know the progress is happening, even if I can’t quantify it with a chart or diagram.

I said, sometime ago, that one of my personal goals was that walking around in my everyday life I want someone to be able to look at me and know I am a fit person. Know that I am one of those girls who lives a healthy active lifestyle. I want my passion to be written on my body. Basically, I want to be toned enough that there is no doubt I work out. This of course is something that you would rarely get feedback on. Not as if strangers are ever going to come up to you and tell you this. But it’s simply going to be that feeling that when I look in the mirror I know I look strong and that confidence will project to the world.

Amazingly enough last night at the gym I had a moment. A complimentary moment that blows all the charts and graphs out of the water. There is no way to express what the words of 2 strangers have done for me. Let me explain what happened.

I went to the gym. I did my half hour class that is completely killer. Sweating like a pig. Afterwards I hit up the weights because it’s what I do these days. Working on that upper body, building all the strength that I never had before. Then I moved over to a kettle ball to do some swings. I was standing there, minding my own business in the gym. Where I happened to be standing was close to the workout room. It was a little after 7 PM, and the Zumba class had just finished up and the people were pouring out of the room. Most of them were walking by me to leave. I really was minding my own business doing some squats lifting the kettle ball up and down and as I squatted.

I stood there and 2 ladies walked right over to me. I would say they were in their early forties perhaps, not really sure. I have seen them at the gym before but never talked to them. One of them walks right up to me and says,
“Okay, so how long did it take you to get those arms, because they look really toned and amazing.”

I was completely caught off guard. I had to pause and process for a moment. Holy shit she is talking about my arms that I’ve been working really hard on because I have never had this kind of definition in them. I told her it’s been about 3 months, that’s when I joined the gym and before that I didn’t do any strength training. She looked at her friend and they both looked amazed and were like, “Really, 3 months?” I’m like, well, I do work really hard and I am here A LOT!. She was like, how many days a week do you come? I told her minimum 5 but some weeks 6 times a week.

It was in this moment that I realized that while I have always known that I watch other people at the gym and aspire to be like some of them clearly here is the living proof that I am being watched too. It doesn’t scare me at this point. I find it so incredibly motivating. I have always wanted to inspire and lead by example. I just never believed for a second I was there yet.

It made my night. Seriously put the biggest smile on my face because it is the intangible progress that I have been working towards despite not having any actual proof that it is working. One can’t chart or graph compliments and moments in time where they are rewarded for their efforts but it is beyond a shadow of a doubt more rewarding that seeing a lower number on a scale. Who cares about the scale when the most important thing in the world is how you feel about yourself.

The fact of the matter is this, I had not picked up a weight or strength trained my upper body in the least prior to 3 months ago. In 3 freaking months’ time my upper body has become noticeably toned enough that two strangers would come up to me in the gym to inquire about it. Are you kidding me? I actually honestly had a moment where I looked around the gym to see if someone put them up to this… I had a slight moment where I thought it was a joke and there was no way they were being serious. That is the horrible self-doubt coming back. But I had to stop my brain and go No… No… your arms do look good and there is no one at this gym who would ever put them up to this and they were not joking at all.

3 months apparently is how long it takes an obsessive compulsive girl to build enough upper body strength for strangers to notice. Not too bad. I am shocked at what I have been able to accomplish in 3 months which is why I have so easily given myself over to the beauty of strength training. It has just improved everything so dramatically for me. Yes I don’t run nearly as much as I used to but honestly it has made the times I do run that much more rewarding and enjoyable. It has given me the feeling of anticipation and looking forward to a good run.

To say that the gym has changed me is the complete understatement of my life. But you know what, I don’t think it’s entirely the gym actually. I joined a gym once before, years ago, and this did not happen. Probably because I didn’t really go. But I didn’t really go because it wasn’t the right fit. This gym, at this point in my life has connected. The stars and the universe aligned and resulted in something down right magical. It’s the people. It’s the way I feel when I am there. It’s the connections I have with the staff and trainers. It’s pure love actually. And every single day my comfort level grows and I feel like I belong there. I feel like I am exactly the type of person that gyms were created for. My inner beast is awoken in a way that has NEVER come to life before. I just don’t give up. I just fight thru every damned thing thrown at me. My desire to succeed far outweighs any amount of physical pain that I may endure. My inner champion is roaring and ready to go EVERY damned day. Who the hell am I? Where did she come from?

Clearly I have more time to focus my attention and energies on this than most women are afforded. I have the luxury of time. I get that. I can’t even begin to imagine the responsibilities of motherhood. Actually I see it in the amazing women around me who are beautiful wonderful mothers. It is the most challenging and rewarding job in the world. It’s a full time job on top of some of these women having full time jobs so I truly get how it is impossible for them to devote themselves to their health the way I can. But you don’t have to spend your life working out, it really can be done in little chunks here and there. As obsessive as it sounds I have a pair of 5 pound dumbbells I keep at work and a pair at home that I pick up and do different exercises with all the time. Just as I walk by, do 10 arm lifts, etc. It’s amazing how easily this shit add ups.

And without sounding conceited because that is the last thing I want to do, I have to say that I really am falling in love with my upper body. I have to stop and touch my shoulders, my biceps, and my back from time to time just to confirm that that shit really is mine. It is so solid and muscular and I have a hard time believing it really belongs on my body. But I have earned it because I have worked for it. 3 months of persistence and dedication. I did not start out this way, not by any means and I am just not stopping. It only motivates me more.

I can’t even begin to imagine what things are going to look like in another 3 months, or 6 months even. I think I am well on my way to being that athletic toned girl that I have desired to be my entire life but was simply too afraid to be. It just takes a little bit of courage. I was scared shitless to join the gym, but I did it. I was scared shitless to do personal training, but I did it. I was scared shitless to not run 6 days a week and tackle strength training, but I did it. If I wouldn’t have been brave and taken those steps I don’t know where I’d be at this exact moment. Not nearly as happy as I have been. On the cusp of taking control and living a truly authentic life. 2013 has been beyond amazing for me, as I kind of thought it would be in 2012. One benefit of blogging your life is that you can go back and reference. On December 28, 2012 I wrote, and I quote;

2012 hasn’t been the best year of my life, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Thanks Kelly Clarkson for that. I am thinking 2013 will be much better… Said with a grain of salt before 2013 has even begun. I will make goal again this year and that is something to celebrate all by itself. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I feel stronger today than EVER….

I knew what was brewing inside of me 8 months ago, I just had no idea as I wrote that how amazing 2013 would really prove to be. And the funny thing is this, 2013 has been all about changing and growing and self-discovery. I haven’t even gotten to the really fun part just yet. My prediction for 2014? Best year of my life. Why? Because I am finally going to start living and stop holding myself back. I am going to do those fun things that I have always dreamed of. Not that I’m throwing in the towel on 2013 just yet. I’ve still got basically 4 months to go and I have lots of challenges left to tackle. I mean in about 2 ½ weeks I am running a half marathon. Holy shit is it that soon already?

So that is where I am at today. And guess what I’m doing it all over again tonight at the gym. 5:30 Class, 6:00 Class, 6:30 Class. Yup. I just keep going. It’s my passion. It’s what I do. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Oh, I'm adding some photos of me today...