Oddly Happy

Today I am smiling. I woke up well tired of course and not wanting to get out of bed because that is pretty much how I wake up every single morning but after that wore off, I found myself in an exceptional mood. This strikes me as quite odd considering I only had a so/so night in terms of physical activity. I only had a so/so night in terms of doing what I wanted. I actually had a pretty crappy night in terms of food choices but all of that doesn’t matter because today I am smiling and happy. That my friends is progress. Progress because I can have a shitty eating night, well really, a shitty eating couple days and still feel like smiling and be comfortable and happy with myself.

Maybe it’s because today I put on this new Victoria Secret bra that is just the height of sexy. Here it is, http://www.victoriassecret.com/bras/very-sexy/long-line-push-up-balconet-bra-very-sexy?ProductID=141195&CatalogueType=OLS, I’m wearing it in the berry color and it is amazing. Not that anyone knows because hello it’s under my clothes, but for some reason it is just making me happy. I feel like a dirty girl and some days I think its okay to feel sexy. In fact I loved it so much I had to go ahead and order it in the black version as well. I am a complete Victoria Secret snob or whore or addict or whatever word you want to call it. But if something makes you feel good you just want to do it and that is what Victoria Secret does for me. It gives me that extra little bit of self-confidence. Plus I actually do love that their models are generally not stick thin but more curvaceous.

Anyhow. Last night I rushed to the gym as quickly as I could so that I could do a quick mile run before heading into a 5:30 class. This class was hard last night, which was good considering I had a limited amount of time at the gym. Afterwards I did about 15 minutes tops of some arm stuff and then called it quits to head to my therapy appointment. Yup, I actually really liked her. Like a lot. So that is good. It seems like continual therapy would be a lot of work but it seems like something that at this point is necessary and good so away we go.

I ended up eating like a ridiculous amount of less than stellar food choices last night. Buffalo wings much? But it doesn’t even phase me today because I’m like, look, you ate it, your body still looks the same this morning and you are going to the gym today so this is life. This is what it is supposed to be. Of course I only feel this way because I have managed to successfully avoid any urge to constantly weigh myself. I have made peace with a scale that has tormented me for 10 years. We have a good understanding these days. I will stay away from her and she won’t fuck with my brain. It’s a good balance. Sure, I know eventually I need her to do a double check but who needs the daily grind of it all, hell I don’t even need the weekly grind of it all. I truly feel like a once a month check in is probably good enough so long as I live the rest of my life the way I know I should be. If I keep going to the gym and being healthy like 90% of the time then there is no point in getting on the scale. Who is this girl?

So I’ve also been thinking a lot about October 2013, and my 1 year anniversary that is coming up in a couple weeks. I find it so fitting that everything suddenly is falling into place. Like my half marathon being in 2 weeks, close to the anniversary date and then it occurred to me this morning that the gym is making me member of the month next month, October and it will be my 1 year anniversary as well. It’s like it was somehow meant to be.

I’ve been thinking about the best way for me to celebrate the occasion. On the 1 year anniversary of the LAST time I will ever do this. My last 1 year anniversary. From here on out, it only goes up in duration of anniversaries. I am excited for my 1 year anniversary. It seems odd to be excited but I feel like it’s a milestone that makes me proud. My inner fighter is really remarkably strong. Even I am amazed at times by how much I am willing to fight for the things I want. I guess that is both good and bad. Here is an entry I wrote on December 13, 2012…. So like 9 months ago…

“What I will say is that although I am not the same person now, inside of me ALWAYS has lived a fighter. Someone who will not quit no matter the circumstances. Someone who will achieve anything that I actually decide to do. That is where I am at right now. I will achieve this. I am not even worried or thinking that I won’t. 10 weeks, 27.7 pounds. I am not stopping now. I completely seriously am proud of the fact that I have done this all without compromising myself. Without once peeking on the scale. I weigh in once a week period. I don’t obsessively write my food down. I eat breakfast and lunch and dinner and run. Wash, rinse, repeat”.

I love that I knew even then that I was going to do this. That even having only been 27.7 pounds down, so I guess that means I weighed 192.3 pounds when I wrote those words, I KNEW I would achieve this. And I know I wasn’t worried because honestly I never felt worried a single day that I wouldn’t achieve my goals. I have always trusted my ability to achieve the things I decide to do. And even back then I knew this time was really finally different. Being only 10 weeks in, I was already doing it completely different than I had ever done it. I had the feeling all along this time around that this was going to be the last time. I really did somehow know this was it for me. I of course had a hard time really completely trusting it for a while or even sharing it without reservation because I had said that before. And yet, in my heart, this is it.

In order to get something we’ve never gotten we must do something we’ve never done. So much of what I have done this time around is amazingly different than any other time. From the very beginning I just felt it to my core. And then look at me now, almost 1 year late getting the results I’ve never gotten before. AMAZING!

I think for my 1 year anniversary I am going to have to have my mom take some photos of me. Like real full angle photos, stomach, back, etc. You know those kind that no amount of holding a camera up in the mirror can capture the true progress. The kind that you are mostly embarrassed to ever ask anyone to take of you, but I will probably have to do that. I will also have to probably try and dig deep back in to the photo archives of my life and find some new “old” photos. I know that more must exist out there that I have successfully avoided.

Ooh, I just looked at the calendar and my official first day of my recommitment was October 5 and of course October 5 of this year is a Saturday. This is nice because that means I probably can actually do something to commemorate the day. Something active and healthy of course. Something that I could not have done a year ago. I’m going to have to think about that one a little.

I feel like things are heading in the right direction. I mean, generally in my life. I do not have all the answers of course but I am starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I know I completely find my strength in health and wellness. When I let that go, everything else in my life starts to fall apart. I know that I have to keep health and wellness in the forefront of my life not because I want to be thin or pretty but because I want to FEEL happy and balanced. Because it truly gives me strength and self-worth that I need to live the best possible version of my life.

Can I just say that it is so amazing to me that I am so much braver in my everyday life when I feel good about myself. I am more willing to take chances and do things that scare me. When I am not worried about how I look or how other people view me I am willing to go out on a limb, both figuratively and literally at times. It is the most amazing thing in the world to not be afraid to do something you’ve always wanted to do. To quit doubting that certain things are beyond your reach and only belong to “others”. There is nothing that is beyond you if you really want it. If this past year has taught me anything it’s that you have to work for the things you want but that anything is achievable if you really want it bad enough. You are worth it. It is worth the fight.

If you can’t tell my optimism is at a high today for some reason. I have no good reason to be this happy or optimistic but I just am. Right now I feel like I just want to bottle up some of these happy feelings to bring out on the less than stellar days and of course to share with all the wonderful women in my life who struggle. I want other people to believe in themselves and learn to love themselves and their bodies as much as I have come to terms with my own. I know how hard this is. I know how crazy hard it is to love yourself and learn to love your body. Believe me, no one will ever understand or get it more than me. But I am proof that it is possible. Miracles happen all the time and even if you’ve failed a million times one day it might just work. For no apparent reason one day it might finally just click and you’ll blink and wake up a year later and you might just have most everything you ever wanted.