60 seconds

I am moving incredibly slow this morning for some reason. Oh wait, it’s because I’m tired. Yup. Exhaustion will do that. At least it’s the good kind of exhaustion. The best kind really. It’s the exhaustion brought on from sore. I did not want to go to the gym last night all that much. I guess having killer 2 plus hour workouts on Saturday and Sunday not so shockingly left me a little mentally if not physically fatigued. But that didn’t stop me of course. Plus Monday nights are my personal training so I headed to the gym.

I of course felt much better once I started. I always do :) Of course my trainer told me that I was going to die tonight and she was going to have to practice her CPR skills. HA. Love it when you are greeted to such words. Do you think perhaps she likes to physically make me work? Thank God it’s only 30 minutes because I am certain I could not stand much longer of a torture session.

So yeah, it was HARD. It was one of the best workouts I’ve had in personal training actually. I loved every single horrible minute of it. It was mostly upper body stuff which I love working out with a trainer because that is always where I feel like I need it the most. My legs get their fair share of workout all on their own. We did timed exercises. 1 minute of a variety of torturous things. Push yourself to exhaustion. And boy did I. You will never realize how long 60 seconds really is until you are are 1. Trying to finish onto holding a plank after your arms are shot or 2. Doing pushups, or 3. Raising a 40 pound bar over your head. Mind you, by themselves any of these things are accomplishable for 60 seconds. Put them all together, with about 10 other activities in rapid repetition and holy shit, it burns. 30 minutes and I was a sweaty sweaty mess. I loved it. She was ridiculously complimentary as well. She always is. Like I’ve said before, I know it’s her job to compliment her clients and build up their egos but you can’t help but feel warm and fuzzy on the inside as a result. This woman trains lots of clients on a daily basis and she is always telling me that I am a workhorse and I don’t complain and just do and of course how strong I am and how she tries out stuff on me first. I’m kind of in love with personal training if you couldn’t tell.

After training and being a sweaty mess I immediately jumped into a class that was killer last night as well. 30 minutes of more work on top of the killer 30 minute workout I just did and I was dripping sweat everywhere. Crazy good. Then of course I followed that up with 30 minutes of Turbokick. Another good time. So all in all 1.5 hours of fun. Around 750 calories burned which is pretty good for me these days. More importantly I felt like I got a ton of awesome strength training in. Love it. My muscles are coming along in a very nice way.

It is so crazy hard for me to believe that in only 3 months I have made this much progress. I guess all I can say is trust the process, believe in yourself and by all means listen to the professionals. Julie told me that if I trusted her and the process I would see results. Of course that is only if you really put in the work, which of course, we all know I do above and beyond.

This is an interesting reality. I don’t think anyone, including all the people at the gym, would argue that I put in the work. I am at the gym pretty much 6 days a week, minimum an hour a night, mostly 1.5 hours. I have greatly improved my strength and stamina. I know I am a work horse and if you tell me to do something I will do it. All of this is true, but the reality comes into play that I still have a hard time seeing myself as a fit person. I’m working on it.

I think it’s like this. We all know that when we lose weight it can take a very long time for our brains to catch up to the actual image in the mirror. It honestly takes years for our brains to not see ourselves as the fat girl. It’s a slow tedious process. My mom is actually experiencing some of that right now. I don’t think I’ve talked about how awesome my mom is actually doing. She started going to the gym October 2012. When I started losing weight, she joined the gym and did personal training. She is coming up on her year anniversary as well. Anyhow, she is my mom and I love her to death, but obviously she is not as crazy insane as me. No one really can be. Anyhow, he also is older, being my mom and all, so metabolism is not working for her. But she looks awesome! I feel like in the past month or so her body is really starting to tone up. She is never going to be a 140 pound girl. She is never going to be ripped but she is HEALTHY and that is what matters and I am so proud of her. End side tangent.

Anyway, she looks much slimmer and we were discussing on Sunday how she was going thru her clothes and having a bit of some identity issues with the woman she was seeing in the mirror. She is having a hard time believing that that woman is her. I told her it is very natural when one loses weight for it to take a long time for your brain to catch up. It really does. I honestly think it was years before I started seeing myself as a thin healthy person. Probably just about the time I would always start gaining it back. It works both ways for the record. I actually believed I was a thin healthy woman as I gained all the weight back and had a hard time with my brain adjusting to the reality that I was gaining too much weight.

It takes time for our brains to catch up to what is actually occurring. I think this is the same way with my fitness level. I see women at the gym that I consider fit and healthy and I am envious of their abilities. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept that I am in their league. I still don’t think I am, but then part of me goes, I have to be. It’s a mental thing for sure. I suspect it will just take time for me to realize my own abilities. It’s no surprise that I don’t see myself clearly. This is my lifelong journey and if it takes more than 3 months for my brain to adjust to my new improved fitness level I think that’s okay.

Last night as I was doing pushups for 60 dreaded seconds I realized that holy shit I was doing real pushups but mostly that 3 months ago I truly could not even do 1 real push up on my own. Sure, I weighed close to 140 pounds and I could run for an hour solid, but I could NOT do even 1 stinking real push up. And somewhere over the course of the last 3 months that happened. I can do pushups for 60 seconds, maybe not a ton of them, but I can do them. Real ones. That is progress.

Last night I felt amazing at the gym, which is exactly why I love going to so much. Tonight is going to be interesting for me. Tonight I go to the gym, at 5:30 there is 1 half hour class and then I can do something else for 30 minutes and then I have to leave at 6:30 because I have a 7 PM therapy appointment. Found a new therapist that can meet Tuesdays at 7 so as to not interfere with work which is good. So I am going tonight. That should be interesting. 7-8 PM, which will make for a long night. I am just praying it doesn’t leave me feeling as yucky as last time but I guess that’s part of the process too.

Honestly, only getting in an hour at the gym tonight is probably a good thing for me since I have had 3 killer days in a row of kick ass exercise. I’ve also eaten really bad for 3 days in a row as result of being extra hungry. I am calling it a wash. I work out really hard so if I’m hungry and I choose to eat more than that is life. I am not weighing myself. I have no idea what the scale is doing. I know all it will ever do at this point is maintain so there’s really no point in weighing myself. I know I am not gaining weight. I can tell from the mirror that things are just fine. So what does it really matter if I get on the scale or not? I’ll take not.

I’ve come such a long way in a year. I really have. I can’t wait until my one year anniversary and I know it’s going to be a doozy of a post and I’m going to cry. I know I am going to cry when I hit a year and I reflect on how incredibly different I am. How changed to my core I feel. I can’t imagine every going back at this point. I can’t imagine giving up my exercise high. I don’t know how I ever got away from that to begin with.

I am going to be successful this time. I already feel it to my core.