Death

So this morning I found out that my grandma died. This is my dad’s dad. I have to be honest and say that I am not particularly close to any of my grandparents. It’s not like during any point in my life any real relationships were cultivated that left a lasting impression on me. I think that is pretty sad actually. I am sad that she has passed. I appreciate the reality that she was my grandparent and gave birth to my father who in turn spawned my immediate family that means the world to me. However, my grandma herself was a true 1940’s housewife. She believed that a woman’s place was complacent to her husband and most likely in the kitchen. She also believed that in order to get thru most likely the monotony of this existence that medication was the only solution. For my entire life she was a pretty quiet repressed woman and that is sad. I truly believe she has gone to a better place where she can be reunited with my grandpa, the love of her life, and my father.

In the grand scheme of things her actual passing does not have a major bearing on my life. That makes me sound like a horrible bitch and I want to feel sadder than I actually do. But how much is it supposed to affect my life when I saw the woman but maybe once every couple years. That makes me sound so awful and again, I’m sorry for that. But nothing about visiting her was ever easy. Not that easy is always the best answer, it’s just she wasn’t the easiest person to get along with. None of my grandparents are. I wish I had grandparents that were active and involved my whole life. My mom is a great example of what an active grandparent is. My niece and nephew have incredible love for their grandma because she is involved in their lives. That is the way it should be. I can honestly think of few things worse than dying alone in a nursing home, which is pretty much exactly what happened to my grandma. Worse yet, my uncle, (my dad’s brother that we never see, who is some big time programmer at Microsoft), sent a text message to my sister telling her grandma died. No one actually called anyone. My dad’s family is weird. For as close as every extended member of my mom’s family is, my dad’s family is the complete opposite.

I have a ton of cousins that I am incredibly close to on my mom’s side. She has 7 brothers and sisters each with children that I see frequently. We are a rare exception in terms of families. But my dad’s family barely communicates. I assume some one will let us know when services will be for Grandma. I always knew this day would come. I guess as much as it doesn’t really affect me I have to take a moment to acknowledge and process it because it is still sad. I wish I knew her better. I am certain I would feel sadder if my dad was alive and I had to see him be sad. When my Grandpa died many years ago, my dad was still alive and he fell apart and I felt so sad for my dad. It was hard. Obviously with my dad no longer around it’s not quite the same experience.

When my mom’s parents go, both of them are still alive, it will be more difficult. Not because I am any closer to them, I am not. But because my mom will be a mess and my aunts will be sad and that will be very hard for me. I will feel for them. Not looking forward to that time, as much as I know it will eventually come. Death is such an interesting thing to deal with. Emotions strike you in weird ways at weird times. I think perhaps I will just have to reflect upon it and I might get a moment here or there and remember something. But again, I would be such a hypocrite to actually completely feel sad because I didn’t take the time to be with her when she was alive. You can call me a bad person all you want, but it’s just the circumstances of life. We all have them. Good or bad, things just sometimes are.

Other than that I’m having an okay day. Nothing too spectacular but nothing too bad either. I think somewhere in my stomach are the beginnings of nerves about Sunday. I know I can run 13.1 miles. I have run it before so I am trying to not psyche myself out too much. I guess I am trying to decide if it’s a big deal or not. Part of me is like running a ½ marathon IS a big deal, if it wasn’t I would have done it a long time ago. Then part of me is like maybe it’s not that big of a deal, maybe it’s just something I show up and do. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t really do any “training” for it. Perhaps it’s because I just decided to do it and now I’m going to do it. I read a lot of stuff that tells you all the things you should be doing the night before, etc., and mostly I’m like eh, I’m just going to show up and run. Does that make me incredibly naïve? Perhaps. What’s the worst thing that will happen? The worst thing is that I have to walk more than I want to. Is that really so bad? I know that no matter what I can run a good ½ to ¾ of it even in the worst of circumstances so the worst case scenario is I have to walk a little bit. It’s not really the end of the world actually. I will finish. I have never thought I wouldn’t finish it.

Honestly I feel like I am going to be relieved when it’s over just to be able to fully know I’ve done it. Just to be able to say I’ve ran a half marathon. Relief. I think I am probably downplaying its own importance or significance to me because I am scared. It’s what I do. It’s how I handle things. If I don’t admit how much it matters than I can’t be heartbroken if something goes wrong. Not that I believe something will go wrong, but you know, safe guard your heart. I really think this is our bodies own natural self-protect mode.

I just re-read the post I wrote when I signed up for the half-marathon and my excitement was so real and infectious. I was so ready to do this. Now I am scared, but I am sure after I finish I will be thrilled. I promise to take some photos to share. In fact, I will probably end up tweeting about it on Sunday. I might even tweet during the race actually. I don’t think I will post on Facebook because I don’t want to be one of those people. I will post when I finish the thing but not during; but twitter, be prepared for ongoing updates… maybe that will help get me thru it. Sunday morning 9 AM, this girl will embark on her ½ marathon journey. Wowza.

I guess this is the first step in that whole being brave thing. It’s one thing to run outside by myself, it’s another thing to run with a bunch of people watching me. I wonder how that is going to affect me actually. All unknowns, but it’s time to find out, right?

Tonight I go to the gym, put in one last good workout and then tomorrow night I am taking off, getting my massage that I am quite looking forward to, and then I reluctantly take Saturday off. Do you know how hard it is going to be for me to not exercise on Saturday? REALLY hard. But I am going to do it so that I can be as prepared as I possibly can for Sunday morning. I think my body will probably thank me for a whole 48 hours off. At least I think it will.

I am pretty much looking forward to Sunday afternoon when I am done and just say I’ve completed it and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Just get thru tonight and then I get 2 days off and then my run on Sunday. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. Yup. I think my massage tomorrow is going to feel awesome too :) Guess I should get some cash for a tip though. I already paid for the massage via a groupon I bought a while ago, but I definitely need to get tip money.

It’s hard to keep motivation alive day in and day out isn’t it? Even I struggle with it from time to time. Like right now this minute to be exact. I just want to curl up into a ball, close my eyes and go to sleep for a little while. Boy do I wish we could still take naps. That sounds so amazing right now. Just push one thru one more night of the gym, just one more. You got this.