Wednesday, September 18, 2013

On this exact day...

I’m trying to think back to a year ago today. Basically as I approach my one year anniversary of my quiet decent into health and fitness I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head. As I looked at the calendar today it occurred to me that I am in the final two weeks until the anniversary date. And then my brain suddenly jumped to the notion of I wonder what I was really doing and thinking a year ago today. I was on the last hurrah of my free for all in the world of eating like shit. I did an email search to see what happened on this day a year ago and guess what interesting thing I found happened on this day one year ago. Pink’s Truth About Love CD came out and she announced her tour schedule. One year ago today I completely remember lying in my bed waking up in the morning excited to read the email with announcement of where Pink would be going on tour to. This was particularly exciting for me but scary as well. I remember that feeling of dread as my stomach dropped seeing the closest possible location was Vegas.

Wow I’m having a surreal moment right here right now as I scroll thru my emails from a year ago and I so intensely remember my feelings because they were that powerful. I was so excited and anxious, hoping Pink was at least coming to Seattle. At the time she was not. I was disappointed when I saw Vegas was the closest. Disappointed and scared because I knew I was overweight and at my core I was terrified of getting on a plane and going to Vegas hating myself. Terrified because I was not sure if I could make myself buy the tickets despite preaching for years that I would see Pink the next time she went on tour. Terrified because in that moment I didn’t believe I was going to follow thru.

For a solid week before tickets actually went on sale I debated back and forth on whether to actually go or not. I used money as the excuse. Sure, it was expensive, but ultimately money was the excuse. We all know what the real excuse was. Even I was afraid to admit it at the time. As I scrolled thru a few emails I see on September 20, 2011 an e-mailed receipt to me from Old Navy. I remember this day VIVIDLY. This is the last time I went into an Old Navy store and purchased new jeans that were larger because I had outgrown them. From here on out my purchases would be a size down. I vividly remember this day because I was utterly depressed. I remember before I went into the Old Navy store sitting in my car, talking on the phone to my mom crying. I was at Old Navy because I was previously wearing two pairs of jeans that were really too small and in fact, it had gotten to the point where I could no longer button them, but guess what? I wore them anyway, without the button on them. They were tight enough that with a shirt over them no one really knew. How sad is that?

I had to get new jeans because my thighs were rubbing together so much that I was wearing holes in the crotch on them as well. You know thigh rub. I felt so frumpy, because I was. I was not and have never been one of those stylish overweight girls. First, I don’t carry my weight well at all. Second, my insides are such a mess because of the weight that I had zero pride in myself and did nothing to actually make myself feel attractive.

So there I sat in the Old Navy parking lot crying to my mom, sad about what I had done. Sad because I was going in there to buy size 18 or 20 jeans. I see from my receipt that I bought 5 pairs of Rock Star jeans, some were 18’s, some were 20’s. I still wear these jeans. I’m wearing the same style today. I am wearing a size 4. That moment, sitting in the parking lot, was one I won’t ever forget actually. That feeling of utter horror and terror over having to go into a store and try on jeans. Mixed with my internal dialogue over whether I should go to Vegas or not and it really was the perfect storm of chaos.

Scrolling a few days later I see that on September 22 I went ahead and bought the Pink tickets because in my heart I knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t. September 24 was the hotel and then it took a few more days of contemplation before October 5 hit and the rest is history, or rather pretty much documented here.

Which brings me to one of my favorite points which is that I LOVE having the last year of my life documented on this blog. I like being able to go back and see what I was thinking or where I was at during any given point over the past year. I didn’t really start blogging again until at least December but really Jan of 2013 so that is when my life’s documentation really hits.

So one year ago today I got the news that Pink was going to Vegas and two days from now was my Old Navy jean trip. Wow. What a hell of a difference a year makes. Today I sit wearing size 4 jeans (I actually ordered a pair of size 2 jeans that will be here tomorrow). I am going to see Pink in Seattle next month but it will be a completely different girl walking into that concert.

I shake my head in awe because one year ago I was a completely different person. Emily on Sept. 18, 2011 would have killed to be this girl today. I know exactly what she was thinking and it wasn’t pretty. She also would not have really believed that one year later she might have finally gotten it right. I guarantee she had no idea her body would have muscle and she’s be going to the gym with personal training sessions. She would have laughed her ass off at that thought. She also would have sat there and cried her eyes out seeing a picture of herself a year into the future.

I think about that sad broken girl sitting in the Old Navy parking lot, about to go in and try on size 18/20 jeans because she had gotten too fat for the jeans she already owned. That broken girl who was so afraid of her own image that she was about to pass on doing one of the major things on her bucket list (See Pink live in concert). That girl would have cried and smiled seeing what she was going to become in only 1 years’ time. Not only would she lose all the weight, but she’d love herself. She’d have the body that she’d NEVER had because she finally stepped out of her comfort zone and took a risk. That girl would probably not have believed where she’d be in a year. But then again, I also have a sinking suspicion that that girl in the Old Navy parking lot probably WOULD have believed it. Inside of even her, was the heart of a fighter, a champion, waiting to break free.

Amidst that crying phone call to my mother was the beginning formation of the reality that I was going to lose the weight again. These were the early days of the brainchild that it was finally time to do something different. Inside that dressing from, 2 days from now, a year ago, stood a woman in a pair of size 20 jeans who promised herself that this was the last time she was buying a larger pair of jeans. I also distinctly remember, after wiping the tears from my eyes, that maybe I had to buy bigger jeans today to start taking better care of myself and loving myself today so that I would never have to do this again. That the next pair of jeans I bought would be smaller and so forth. That I wanted to someday only buy new jeans because I wore them out, not because I needed a larger size. (Or because they were so cute I had to own them!)

I realize that right now, a year ago, and really for the next two weeks until October 5, was the beginning moments that shaped the decision that occurred on October 5. That really today actually, this day, one year ago, was the first time I realized how much I was letting my weight decided my life. The day that I knew I was going to have to travel to see Pink and my insecurities were instantly preventing me from wanting to do it. Hmm…. Today was the day that it all started to change. One day ago. That is amazing to me. And I’m so glad I could go back thru my e-mail and realize that.

Of course, one year ago today that didn’t stop me from eating like crap just yet. The forming of this lifestyle was occurring but it really did take until October 5 before I got it together. In fact, based on my bank account records I can tell you this. And no part of this is an exaggeration my friends. I told you I had a McDonald’s addiction, Just looking back from September 15-September 30, 2011 I ate at McDonalds pretty much every day.

9/15: McDonalds
9/16: McDonalds
9/17: McDonalds
9/18: Olive Garden
9/19: McDonalds
9/20: McDonalds
9/21: McDonalds
9/22: McDonalds
9/23: McDonalds & Applebee’s (where there was no healthy menu options)
I’m guessing between 9/23 and 9/27 I used cash to eat at McDonalds :)
9/27: McDonalds
9/28: McDonalds
9/30: McDonalds

Looks like 9/30 was the last entry I show for McDonalds. I haven’t had McDonalds since. No joke. Almost an entire year McDonald’s free. Coming from a girl who ate it pretty much every single day. No fucking wonder I was 220 pounds again. I remember trying to collect the McDonalds wrappers from my car and hide them from Chris because I didn’t want him to see all the empty food containers. As if not seeing them would somehow hide the reality of the damage I had done to my body. It’s a funny thought that if we don’t see the wrappers then it isn’t really happening. Obviously it WAS happening.

There is a quote that goes, a year from now you will wish you have started today. That could not be more aptly fitting for me. One year ago I was on the verge of starting and I couldn’t be more grateful for that final push towards exactly where I stand today. Today I am the happiest I have ever been with myself, EVER. I can honestly say that there is not a single period of time in my entire life where I have been more at peace with myself and who I am in my own skin. After years and years of yo-yoing and self-hatred I finally get it. I am so ridiculously grateful that almost a year ago I decided that today was the day and I am here today, wearing my size 4 Old Navy Jeans anticipating my kick ass workout tonight at the gym. That is what a difference a year makes.

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