Less than 1%

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what it means to finally become an official half-marathoner. Every single person who runs a half marathon has their own reasons and story behind it. I cannot begin to profess that my accomplishment means anything greater than anyone else’s. I doubt it very much actually because I didn’t overcome some major life crisis to get to it. I didn’t battle back from a severely crippling disease. Not that these are the only significant means to feel proud of finishing a half marathon. Anyone who finishes has accomplished something great. But as per is typical of my personality I tend to downplay its own value. Is it really that heavy of an accomplishment?

I try to put things into perspective as my brain has a hard time with that concept to begin with but it also likes to rationalize out things. I did a Google search for how many people run half marathons. Turns out 13.1 miles is the fastest growing race in the United States. More and more people are running them and mostly women. Not shocking. And the median age of a ½ marathoner is 35. I am perfectly in line with the statistics. With all that said, despite its incredible growth in popularity in 2012 (the last full official year for statistics), 1.85 million Americans completed a ½ marathon. At first this sounds like a great deal of people completing this run. But then I decided to Google search the US Population. Turns out there are actually a little over 314 million people in the United States. This actually means that as a whole something like less than 1% of the US population actually completes a half marathon. I can handle math that a calculator can do but when it gets in the millions it’s like .05% of the US population completes a ½ marathon. That puts it more into perspective actually.

Of course you will also notice that the statistics are gathered by how many people actually finish the line at a ½ marathon, so there were 1.85 million finished runs in the United States in 2012. This includes every person who crosses the line in every race. What I mean to say is that, if the same person ran multiple races in 2012 than they are counted each time. Reality is, I am guessing, it is quite a lot less than 1.85 million different people finishing those races. If you run a ½ marathon odds are you are probably running more than one in a year. I suspect the number then goes down quite significantly. Even if 1.85 million different people ran a ½ marathon, that makes it less than 1% of the entire population of the United States. This is the perspective my brain is trying to grasp.

I think my brain needs to compute the raw numbers because as I sat in the car yesterday morning, waiting inside the car because it was cold and windy outside, I watched tiny runner after tiny runner exist their cars and I had a typical Emily mental block. They all “looked” like runners. Not that there is ever a single size of anything that looks like a runner but in my mind I have always struggled with the concept of feeling like a runner and self-doubt.

I can tell you that most of the day on Saturday I was indeed fine. I helped my youngest sister and her husband unpack their belongings into a new apartment closer to where we live. But as about 5 PM rolled around and I was starting to think about leaving and heading home the panic shockingly started to hit. I have never experienced panic quite like that. Actually, that is a lie. When I did Speech and Debate in high school, before every speech tournament, despite always being utterly prepared for what was to occur, I would get quite sick to the point of throwing up from nerves. That is my body’s natural reaction to stress. Physical sick. Once before I went to Girl Scout camp in like 6th grade, I literally got so sick the night before I was throwing up non-stop because I was scared. I think this is my body’s way of “getting out of” the things I don’t want to do. Being sick is a perfectly viable reason to not do something we are afraid of so my body musters up the physical sick. I was beginning to feel that way. It has been so many years since that feeling has occurred for me.

I was driving the ½ hour home from my sister’s house and I started to feel the incredible panic set in. I had not expected to feel that. I tried to calm myself down and played Katy Perry’s “Roar” and Sara Bareilles “Brave” over and over in the car. Be Brave I kept telling myself, and I am a champion. Not sure if I really believed it, but I made it home. Then I REALLY panicked. I set out my clothes for the morning and started to do the timing math and realized I had to awake at 5:30 AM to leave the house by 6 AM to drive the hour and a half to the location to pick up my packet to run at 9 AM. I almost had a mental break down actually. Being in the house was freaking me out because it was allowing me to stew in my own thoughts. I decided that I needed a better arm band for my i-phone because I was using an old one that was not designed for the I-phone. I headed to Best Buy to pick out a new one. Being out of the house seemed to help some. I ended up at Red Lobster for dinner. I was trying to distract myself and basically get out of my own way. I loaded up on shrimp and baked potato and opted for water only as my beverage of choice.

I can say with 100% certainty that I was beyond shocked at how panicked I was about running the next morning. I am not sure what I was really all that scared of. Not really. I knew I could run 13.1 miles. Or rather run most of it and walk it out if I had to. I knew my body was physically capable of it. I am certain I was afraid of the mental part of it. I went to bed and obviously did not sleep as much as I should have. I awoke and was on the road when it was still dark outside. I was tired. I tried to stick to my normal routine with food and water. I arrived at the location of the run way too early. I picked up my packet and then had to sit in the car for the better part of an hour until it became time to actually go outside.

Remember the weather forecast was calling for tracheal downpours and high winds. It wasn’t quite pouring yet and it wasn’t quite crazy wind yet but it was COLD. And windy. And on and off drizzle. And I am a wuss. Let’s all take a moment to realize that I am not an outdoor runner. I am a treadmill girl thru and thru. Yes, it means I can run and have endurance but the elements are all new. If I had been at all better I probably would have ran more than once outside prior to the event. In that moment, sitting in the car, trying to keep warm, I regretted my lack of outdoor running immensely.

I think something like 5 or 6 years ago I ran 1 5-K run, and then two weeks ago I ran an outside half marathon on my own. Those are the only times I have actually ran outside in the past 5 years. Seems crazy that I would decide to just go ahead and run a ½ marathon then. But since when I have ever been all that sane in my training/running/exercise life? I don’t know how to run in the cold, and wet. At the last minute I decided to bring a baseball cap and I really was thankful for that. As most crazy girls do, as other racers got out of their vehicles I surveyed their attire to try and determine if I was completely insane in my Capri pants and tank top. Of course I brought a hoodie running zip jacket as well. Some women were in short shorts and I’m like, what the hell? But I quickly realized that perhaps they ran outside so they knew better than me.

The nerves were pretty insane at this point. About 20 minutes before we were to start I decided it was time to get out the car and brave the weather. We all lined up and I saw a bunch of women who I perceived to be runners. I pretty much walked to the back of the line and planted myself somewhere towards the very end.

The race started late because I feel like perhaps this wasn’t the most organized race ever but in the end that didn’t matter too much as it was chip timed and it was still a 13.1 mile course. The buzzer sounded or else the pack started moving, I can’t exactly remember and I started running. It was immediately up a little hill and I thought okay. Then we were out on the open road and I felt good. Like really good. Like, oh yeah, I haven’t exercised in 2 whole days and my body loves this shit kind of good. I quickly realized that I had positioned myself incorrectly in the very back as I started to run around people. I wanted to keep an even pace for sure, something I knew I could keep up for a while, but I also didn’t want to sell myself short. So I scooted up to where I felt comfortable, eventually nearing the 10 minute mile pacer guy. This is where I felt comfortable.

I am not going to lie, it was cold. It was windy. It was rainy at times. And then somewhere around mile 2 we turned off in the forest and did trail running. Real life up and down narrow steep path trail running. Wasn’t exactly expecting that. We ran around an entire lake. Then we’d turn back onto a road and I’d be happy again. Not because I particularly love the road but because my grip and footing felt so off running in the dirt on steep hills where I felt like I was going to slip. But I ran. I didn’t stop running. Around mile 5-6 I realized that I felt GREAT. I felt amazing. I felt really comfortable and not at all fatigued. I knew the fatigue would hit. I knew I couldn’t quite keep up that pace for 13.1 miles, but I felt better than I had on any previous run.

They had water stations or rather people handing out the water as we ran buy. I would slow down, drink it and keep running. I was feeling it. I don’t run particularly fast, but I run consistent and that is all that matters to me. Around mile 9 there was another water station and then we headed back into the woods and the rain started to come down. The combination of the rain and the runners who had gone before me left the trail very muddy and slick. It threw off my footing completely. I ran as much as I could. I had to stop and hop around some giant mud pits. But I kept going. And talk about elevation change. There were hills. A lot of hills. Many more hills than I was expecting. Both in the forest and on road. This was a challenging course by all accounts.

When we finally cleared the forest and was back on the road I ran until I hit mile 10 and then I found myself repeating, it’s only a 5k now. You’ve only got to do a simple 5k now. You are on the home stretch. But I was getting tired. The last 5k is the hardest by all means. And of course as I was fucking with my armband my music stopped and I had to pull it out and try and make it work again and then I heard Brave kick on and I ran. I felt like I was running thru a rain storm fast, but I am certain I was probably barely moving. At this point it was raining and the wind kept blowing it all around us. My feet were muddy and I was carrying around extra dirt from the trail. And I was cold. I was shivering, but I ran. Then I had to stop. I had to stop about mile 11.5 or 12 as I looked up and saw a VERY steep hill. My brain told me no. My brain said just walk for a moment or two. I walked for 20 seconds, I ran for 20 seconds up a hill and I started to think about a year ago and how I could not have even begun to do this. And I started to wipe away tears from my eyes. It was hard to tell because I was also wiping away wind and rain and all around dampness. And I was an ice cube. My extremities were not moving as fast as they could have been I was very cold at this point.

I pushed on thru the hill and I was running and turned the corner I actually saw the finish line below and realized I was seconds from the end. That is when I felt the tears come up out of nowhere. The last .10 meter dash to the finish. In hindsight if I had actually comprehended the finish was up at the top of that hill, I would not have slowed down so much the last little bit, I would have fought like hell up that hill to make it, but I didn’t know. I sprinted down the hill and thru the finish line at officially the time of 2 hours 18 minutes 50 seconds. I was cold more than anything else. My feet were wet. But my body was physically okay. Actually I felt pretty damned great considering I just ran 13.1 miles.

It was the first time ever that I thought hmm… maybe someday I COULD do a full marathon. Crazy thought I know. But I wasn’t nearly as exhausted as I thought I’d be. My body wasn’t completely spent. I still felt like I had a little something left in me. Actually the entire time as I was running, and believe me I pretty much ran most every part of that 13.1 miles, I kept thinking this is not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I feel so much better than I thought I was going to. And mostly, yeah, I do feel like I real runner. As people would occasionally move out of the way for me on the trail, I thought you know, I must be doing okay. By no means was I the fastest. But 2 hours 19 minutes is completely respectable. Respectable considering every obstacle that was thrown at me. I have never run that many hills before while being pelted with wind and rain. I have never run in the forest for such durations in the mud. I mean in 5 years I ran outside twice. I will take my 2 hours 19 minutes and be incredibly proud of what I’ve accomplished.

I know if I actually trained or worked at it I could probably improve my time. I could probably get this down to somewhere in a 2 hour time but this is also what I have discovered; I’m not sure how much that matters to me or not. I am not trying to be the fastest person out there. I like all the other stuff I am doing these days at the gym. I like exploring lots of different options and I don’t know if I want to invest all my eggs into one running basket anymore. I rather like that I can train and build muscle at the gym, and not really have to train all that hard, okay, really train at all, and still go out and run 13.1 miles in 2 hours 19 minutes. I am pretty comfortable with that time considering the amount of effort I actually put in. Maybe sometime I will get more into it. Maybe I will want to run that marathon someday. Maybe I will strive for a 2 hour ½ marathon time but for now, for this day, I am simply thrilled that I am in the less than 1% of the American population who have run a half marathon. Today that is good enough for me.

I cannot tell you how incredibly freeing it was to finish. The sense of relief I felt crossing that finish line. Not because I doubted that I could, but because I was finally able to finish something that has been a “what if” or an “I’d like to” for so long in my life. And it was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. Not necessarily the running, but the mental aspect that I struggled with for so long. It was mentally not as awful as I projected. Getting over the mental is the hardest part. That was the part that I felt the relief for. Relief that I had finally done one and the fear of the unknown was over. I am no longer a race virgin. I don’t consider my 1 5-k, 5 years ago, as a real race at this point.

I can actually say I have ran a half marathon. Because I ran 99% of that bad boy. 2 hours 19 minutes is totally respectable. No one can say I didn’t run it with that time. I would like to run another one now that I know I can. Of course I wouldn’t mind a race this time that perhaps isn’t quite as off-roady. I don’t think I am a trail runner. I don’t like feeling like I might slip and hurt myself. I can handle the hills of the road as they happen but the uncertainty of brush and mud and tree roots and slipping are a little much. I actually really enjoyed the run and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards. I could see myself doing this. I really could. I could see myself working a little bit on training more pre run to maybe actually get my body more used to outdoor running. Of course running season is pretty much over as well. I don’t actually love being cold. I was cold all day yesterday as a result. Wet socks for a couple hours left me really cold all day/night. So perhaps this is a good thing to have accomplished for now to mentally prepare myself for next spring. I could see myself running ½ marathons quite more frequently. I could see myself getting addicted to them.

All the self-doubt about whether I can do it or not is gone. I have done it. All the times I told myself running on the treadmill doesn’t make me a real runner is gone. Questioning if I can really keep it together solidly for 2 plus hours on a run is no longer an issue. All of it wiped out in one morning. Yes, I am mentally tough enough. Yes, I am physically tough enough. Yes, I can run in mud, and up hills and in the rain and in the wind, and in the forest, and on trails, and with people around me, and in the cold and I can do this for 2 hours 19 minutes in a row and walk away a ½ marathon finisher.

This girl I am today is someone I only dreamed of 10 years ago, yet alone a year ago. I am going back 10 years now my friends to that 24 year old girl who first walked in a weight watchers meeting and didn’t believe in anything in herself. The one who had never thought she was an athlete. I am going back to that 17 year old girl who for some crazy reason dreamed of running free and letting her legs take her away, despite her growing physical size. I am speaking to that girl right now, that girl who always dreamed of and imagined more for herself. And here we go, to that overweight 17 year old who envisioned herself a runner. To that sad and lonely 24 year old who didn’t envision herself as anything… to that defeated grossly sad 33 year old a year ago sitting in that Old Navy parking lot crying, this I say to you…

“Yesterday you did something you thought always exclusively belonged to “other” people. Yesterday you fulfilled a lifelong dream, whether you always desired it or not, or even knew you wanted it. Yesterday you pushed thru all of your anxiety and fear and self-doubt (and beyond your body’s physical representation of making you sick) and actually decided to take a chance on yourself. I know life hasn’t always been kind to you. I know you have been knocked down many times and find it difficult to sometimes muster up enough self-love to give yourself a chance. But yesterday you accomplished something that will undoubtedly make you feel proud for years to come. Maybe you don’t know the significance or importance of it yet.

Hell, I am certain that from this point forward you will probably run many more races in your life, but yesterday will always be special. It will always be the first. It will be the moment you allowed yourself to really let go and fulfill a dream. It is not often in life that our dreams are so easy to determine and fulfill. Mostly they are abstract big picture things that are harder to really gauge. Yesterday was a clear moment of fulfilling one simple dream and the power behind it will be felt for years to come I am certain.

It was a step to becoming the grown woman that you have always secretly desired to be. The athlete in side of you who runs marathons and breaks down her own self-imposed walls. Yesterday you took a big step towards finding her. I am proud of you. I am proud of the 17 year old version of you, that 24 year old and that 33 year old because underneath each of you was a girl who while muddled at times, always had a little spark of this woman inside of her.

Yesterday you fulfilled a lifelong dream and the importance of that alone makes me want to cry. It might have been simpler than you imagined which only goes to show you that perhaps those other things you have always wanted are easier than you thought possible as well? Maybe it was simpler but the first step, that mental step was the real challenge and that is what I am most proud of for you. Of course like any true champion, you could not have done it alone.

I don’t think you ever realized that at 34 years old you would be surrounded by the most amazing set of strangers you’ve never met but love anyway. That in the days leading up to the big day, the day before, the morning of, and there after you were filled but wishes of love and inspiration. Do you know how lucky you are to have such amazing people in your life? Did you ever think that a bunch of glorious woman from all over the United States would care enough about you to send you notes of encouragement? You must be doing something right to have such love surround you? Please remember that feeling forever. It seemed like the moment you were feeling scared or frightened someone would reach out and tell you that you are going to do this and it put the biggest smile on your face. You are blessed. Don’t forget that. You are not alone in this and don’t ever think for a second that you are.

To my un-athletic 17 year old dreamer, to my lonely naïve 24 year old, to my defeated sad 33 year old self I can only tell you this, always, always believe in yourself. Don’t be afraid to dream something, no matter how big it may seem at the time. You are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for and yesterday you found that out first hand. You are officially a half marathoner. You earned that. You deserved that. You killed that. Congratulations and thank you for always somewhere keeping that dream alive. Each one of you kept a small piece of this dream in your heart so that yesterday at 34 you finally realized it.”

And I have one more incredible thank you to put out there. Yesterday I met a very dear online friend, Paige. I have “known” Paige online for years and years and years. Hell, probably 10 years. That naïve 24 year old probably met her 10 back on the weight watchers boards. Yesterday Paige came to Oregon and was there at my race with me. I got to physically hug Paige and she was there as I crossed that finish line. Then I got to go to lunch with her and her sister. It meant the world to me that she would be there with me. That I got to experience that moment with her right there is something that will always be part of my memory of that special moment. That is the power of this world. Strangers are not really strangers. The world is smaller than you think and I am never really alone. Thank you Paige for sharing that moment with me. I adore you. Always have. Always will.

From this day forward I will always be a half-marathoner. No one can take that away from me. I now belong to that group of less than 1% of the American population who have completed that task and I can smile because I now believe I am a true runner.