Eve of the Eve of the 1/2 Marathon

Can you believe this day is finally upon us? And by this day I mean the eve of the eve of running my first half marathon. I am in parts in denial I believe. Yup, there might be serious amount of denial wrapped up in there. Basically because I am walking around in la la land ignoring the reality that I am going to be running outside in what is sure to be a rain storm for 13.1 miles, up hills with people watching. Oh boy. I am allowing myself 3 hours to complete this task given all of the extenuating circumstances. I don’t like rain. Well I mean, I live in Oregon so parts of me like rain. Just I don’t want to be outside for hours in the rain. I would prefer to run in the heat actually to the rain. But no one really asked for my opinion before setting the weather forecast.

I thought I’d be more excited than I actually am. Perhaps that’s the nerves as well. I am actually feeling really blah today. I’ve actually felt kind of blah on the whole exercise front all week to be honest. I just feel like while I have been going thru the motions that my effort hasn’t exactly been 100%. I guess some weeks are just like that. It really is okay. At least I put in the effort, right. I mean, I did exercise from Saturday thru Thursday even if some of them were less than stellar workouts; it’s still 6 days in a row. Thus my break tonight. In about 2 ½ hours or so I actually have a massage which will be really nice and much needed at this point. I am on the fence about tomorrow, and by that I mean, I know I am NOT supposed to exercise. I am pretty sure that everyone would tell me to let my body rest but then part of me is like, why is this any different than any other exercise for me? I run 13.1 miles before and I have exercised the day before and been fine. I don’t know. I probably will take the day off but I don’t have to like it. And that is my story and I’m sticking to it!

I wish I was going into the run feeling more confident. I am terrified if I’m being honest. Yes, I am terrified. It is such a weird thought to me especially because two weeks ago I ran 13.1 miles outside so I know I can do it physically. It was hard. But I could do it. The conditions will be very different on Sunday but even in the worst of conditions I have to keep reminding myself that I will be able to finish it. Why do we constantly doubt ourselves so much? We are in the end our own worst critics and enemies.

I am very much looking forward to Sunday afternoon and completing this task to cross it off my bucket list. And then perhaps after having completed it I will have the confidence to know I’ve done it and then not feel quite so terrified of it. Also I’m hoping that there is going to be some amazing feeling of accomplishment or pride kick in after having actually finished one that will kindle my desire to run more of them.

For some reason I still can’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not a real runner. I honestly don’t know why I feel that way at times. I am certain I am as much a runner as anyone else who runs is but in my mind there is something that tells me I am not. I don’t know what it is really. Maybe having run a ½ marathon will shake some of my doubt away.

No matter what happens on Sunday this much I know. One year ago I would not have been able to walk slowly a 5k race, yet alone consider running a half marathon so I have to smile and be proud that I’m even going to be there. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else. I don’t need to try and keep pace with anyone else running. This is not about keeping up with anyone else. This is about me and accomplishing something that I’ve always wanted to do. It’s about believing in myself enough to even attempt the race. Rain or Shine, I will complete this thing. Even if I end up being a drowned rat at the end, I will be a drowned rat who ran/walked a half marathon.

With all that said, everyone keep me in your thoughts and prayers Sunday morning at 9 AM Pacific Coast time, because that is when it all starts for me. I need all the positive energy in the world coming my way to push me on. So if anyone feels so inclined Sunday morning between 9 to say 11:30 AM Pacific time to send me a Facebook message or a tweet or a little note of encouragement I am going to have my phone on me… I’d appreciate any support that comes my way to push me on. Really, in the end, the support I get from all of you is what keeps me going. It reminds me why I do this to begin with.

Obviously can you tell how scared I am? I know it’s going to be fine. Logically I know I can do this. But it doesn’t stop fear from coming in. But as all the sayings go, you have to get past the fear to find the things in life that truly worth doing. No matter what happens from here on out, I will ALWAYS remember Sunday because it will be my first. Maybe my only, who knows. I kind of doubt it, but it will be my first and therefore memorable forever. So Sunday I run and then Monday I will have a very lovely recap of the event for everyone.