Flying By

Can you even believe today is the last day of September already. It’s incredibly safe to say summer and any trace of it are far behind us now. Tomorrow is October. This year has seriously flown by. I swear the older I get the shorter my years feel. We are definitely in the last quarter of 2013 now. As I thought 2013 has really been very good to me. So much so that I find it hard to think that 2014 is going to be able to top it, but I will just have to figure out ways to make it exciting right?

We all know that with the changing to October we are now like 5 days away from my 1 year anniversary of the big one, I am calling this the big one because this is the last time I am ever doing this and this really is the big one. I really believe that in the history of 10 years going at this weight loss stuff this is only the second time I’ve ever had a 1 year anniversary of being healthy. The very first time I did this, 10 years ago, I managed a 1 year anniversary, followed shortly thereafter by the inevitable backwards slide. This is the second time that I have officially celebrated 1 year clean and healthy. 1 year McDonalds free. I am not even sure how that happened. I have gone an entire year without consuming any McDonald’s. I do however think in the year prior I ate enough McDonalds to hold me over for my entire lifetime. It’s really quite disgusting and yet I was really so ridiculously addicted to it that I pretty much HAD to eat it every day. Do you think perhaps there was some addictive drug they added into their shit? I think it’s highly possible.

I still haven’t quite figured out how I plan to commemorate the official day, this Saturday, October 5, 1 year to the date. In hindsight, probably one of the single most important days of my entire life. Since I know this really is it forever for me this time, that date has become incredibly significant because it symbolizes the moment that I said enough was enough. It is the day I took control back of my life and I am so ridiculously thankful for that. It has become about so much more than my weight. It started as something as simple as eating good for a single day and here we are a year later, learning to love myself enough to no longer limit my life. To embrace all the possibilities and things that I reserved for others. Running ½ marathons, not accepting less than I deserve. It’s really been the best year of my life and the single year where I have taken the largest steps to discovering my true self. I feel so blessed because of the awesome journey I have been on. I am not perfect. It is not a perfect journey by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s my journey and I own it.

As I was riding in the car to the concert Friday night with my sister I talked about this blog. She, like the rest of my immediate family, knows it exists. I am certain Pamela has never come on here to find it because she could care less about my mindless dribble. In fact, I pretty much told her that and she pretty much concurred that she didn’t really care, she got to see me in real life and that was enough :) Ah family, got to love them. Anyway, she was like, do they know how messed up you really are? She wasn’t being mean, just saying that if they “really” knew you… you know… I was like, actually, I swear in some weird way this world gets the true me, whereas everyone else gets the edited; fit for human interaction version. The real world gets to live the events; this place is a retelling of the events with the narrative attached. In some ways it’s the most honest version of my world. I try to be as honest as possible. No sense in painting a picture that doesn’t really exist. Sure, we all hide certain parts of ourselves but I do really try my best to put it out there as it is.

I can’t believe a whole year has pretty much gone by. In some ways it seems like I’ve been living this lifestyle forever and a day, but then sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was sitting in my car, bags of McDonalds everywhere on the floorboards, crying about my lack of control. I remember those days far too well. Maybe that is what we really need to stay on the health path? Maybe you really have to live thru some trauma to really never want to go back. Maybe I needed my 10 years of struggles to really grasp that feeling of true despair. And it was real, honest to God, true despair. Despite constantly being able to lose weight, I was sitting there a year ago, doubting it was possible. It had never taken me so long or been so hard for me to try and lose weight. For months and months prior to October 2012 I had tried to do it. I had even gone back to WW in May of 2012 for 2 weeks, but it didn’t stick. And that is where my doubt came in. Could I really do this? Maybe I had lost my desire or my way and it wasn’t coming back. Maybe I wasn’t that girl anymore? The one who could easily stick to something and drop the weight without thinking.

And you know what, it turns out I WASN’T that girl anymore. Yes, I was able to finally stick to it and drop the weight, but no part of me was the same girl. Maybe it took so long for me to get to this point because I needed the time to finally do it right, to finally understand WHY I was doing this to begin with. I am now convinced that my long term success completely resides in the reasons why I am doing this. They have completely shifted.

Despite what I might have ever said previously, every motive, every intention, every sacrifice was made out of a dislike of myself and a desire to be thin and beautiful. I may have professed health and quality of life as a motivating factor but it was a lie. Plain and simple. I was putting on a front because that was what I was “supposed” to say. It didn’t work. Long term, it just can’t work.

The difference in my life is felt to my core because this time it IS about my health and quality of life and I think I have finally proven that to everyone in my real life and to myself. I am making these healthy choices because I feel so much better on a daily basis. I am not going to the gym because of vanity; I am going because I love the way it makes me feel and because it makes me strong and capable. I am eating good quality foods and fueling my body with more food than I’ve ever given it because it is what my body wants and needs and I no longer have too many days where I feel physically sick as a direct result of the stuff I’m putting in my body.

Mostly my attitude is so shockingly different that even I am blown away sometimes. I want to go out and try new adventures (like going to Vegas to run a ½ marathon), because these are the things that excite me now. Because this is the stuff that makes me have a full and active life. This is the stuff worth living for. I finally get it. I love myself because I believe in myself enough to try. I can’t believe I lived 33 years of my life without really believing in myself or loving myself. That is kind of sad. And I can’t explain it to anyone. I thought I loved myself. I thought I was living my life. If you would have asked me at multiple points in my life I would have told you I was happy and enjoyed my life. I guess, while deep in the throes of it, you can’t see how blind you really are. It was only when I REALLY learned to love me that my eyes opened up and I started to really accept the changes that were happening.

I truly in my heart believe that I have only gotten the results that I have this time around because I finally did it different. Because, yes, I physically did different things, but I mostly believe it’s because mentally my attitude was just so different. I pretty much knew from two weeks in that this really was the last time for me. This is my forever. I never want to go back to that woman I battled with for so long. This is my lifestyle now, bad days and bad meals here and there and all. That is life.

Things are not perfect. I have lots of loose skin on my body, as one would expect from a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. Things are not nearly as tight as I’d like but I’m working on it. From everything that I’ve read basically from the time you get to goal or your maintenance weight and start strength training, your real results, your best results, won’t really come until at least 6 months but most likely up to a year later. Basically, the way I look at it, from the date I started personal training and joined the gym, my ultimate results won’t be achieved for a year. I am a little over 3 months into that process, so I have another solid 9 months to let my body do its best possible job of doing what it’s going to do. I will reserve all judgment for 9 months down the line. At that point I will make an educated decision about what if anything I am going to do about that. Still thinking that a boob job is in my future plans. But I’m not worrying about that too much at this point. I still have 9 months to give it my all at the gym to see what I can accomplish completely on my own.

Thank you all for continuing to take this journey with me. I am so humbled and floored that I have people who read this at all, yet alone, who have walked this journey with me for almost 10 years. I don’t believe in my heart that I could have done it without this place and without some of you nudging me along and reminding me to be Brave… :)

And on a simpler note yesterday despite not really wanting to I made myself go to the gym for a nice long run. I have to stay in running shape since a. I love it and b. I have another ½ now I’m prepping for. I decided to set my sights on a 10 mile run yesterday and am proud to say that is what I accomplished. It’s getting easier my friends. Every time the distance is getting a little more and more manageable. 10 miles didn’t feel that bad yesterday. Honestly, the first 7 miles were a breeze. That is how I know I’m improving. 6-7 miles used to be what I did every night and I was tired by the end. Now 6-7 miles is very comfortable and I barely feel it. I don’t want to sound like a snarky bitch who thinks it’s easy to run 6-7 miles but I’m settling into that distance nicely. Guess I really am that runner after all, right?

Tonight I have personal training and then I get to take 1 class and then I have to leave because my therapy sessions have gotten moved to Monday nights now instead of Tuesdays. So yes, I have to leave to go to therapy but sometimes these are the sacrifices you have to make. Just means more time for me to actually embrace the gym tomorrow night. I think that is about all I got for the day. Be back tomorrow for sure, because I crave this place like my new found drug. Love it!