Last night I experienced my first or rather one of the only in most recent memory moments of a true, “But I just don’t want to.” In relation to going to the gym and exercise. This is indeed rare for me. I h ad zero desire to go to the gym, but I went. When I got there it’s as if the universe was trying to tell me something because I was immediately approached by my trainer who told me that she needed to reschedule my training appointment. So instead of doing it last night it has be rescheduled for Wednesday night. In fact, we might have to permanently change my schedule because she wants to be at the gym less. It makes no difference to me ultimately. However, it’s like the universe knew my desire was none last night. So instead I headed into the 5:30 class and I can honestly say that I did not work that hard. I realize I am not pushing myself when I look around and other people are sweating and I am not. Usually a good indicator for me.
I then stayed for the 6:00 class as well, and again, did not push myself nearly as hard as I could have. I knew I just wasn’t feeling it. I had to leave at 6:30 to head to therapy which has been rescheduled to Monday nights permanently. Maybe that was playing in the back of my mind a little. I didn’t want to get to sweaty because I knew I had to go straight from gym to therapy. It also could be that I just wasn’t feeling it. Those days do happen, and I survived it nonetheless.
I would like to make note of an observation I did make last night at the gym. I rarely actually change my clothes at the gym. I always change at work and arrive at the gym ready to go in workout clothes and then leave in said clothes and change at home. But because of therapy I am forced to go into the locker room and change back into my everyday clothes. The observation is this…. I am not ashamed of my body. Sure, there is like usually never anyone in there, but even so, I literally am not in a rush to immediately feel the pressure to be fully clothed again. I mean, I’m not lingering or walking around half-dressed, but I mean, I remove my workout pants and I while reaching for my jeans am not ashamed of my undressed lower half to the point that I feel awkward and ma scrambling to quickly redress. It is a nice feeling to be comfortable in one’s own skin. I know I am not ashamed of my body because there is one area that does concern me and as soon as I remove my sports bra to put my regular bra on, I do this VERY quickly. I AM ashamed of my very saggy boobs. What this tells me is that my boobs are a huge psychological issue for me and that I am obviously comfortable with everything else at least to some extent.
There’s also probably awkwardness about not having a bra on because it really does expose real nakedness. Without pants or a top, I am still in a bra/underwear which is nothing worse than a bikini and I’m not exposing real parts, so it’s probably fair that I am in a hurry to put a bra back on and think that even if I had nice boobs I’d still be in a hurry. Regardless, I don’t dread having to change at the gym and that is pretty cool. I know I have issues, clearly. But this is a huge step for me. The lack of shame I feel for my body is completely new. The reality that I actually like what I see in the mirror and am not afraid to show more of my body is a huge step for me. That is almost more priceless than anything else. Comfort in one’s own skin is huge.
I forgave myself for my lack of real sweat last night and vow to do better tonight. This is life. This happens from time to time and it’s perfectly okay to have a less than stellar night. In the end, I still did an hour’s worth of classes. Maybe I didn’t push myself that hard. Maybe it wasn’t great, but it was still exercise. I plan on spending some time at the gym tonight to feel accomplished. I plan on doing some heavy lifting and pushing myself and perhaps get in a 30 minute run. Since I just ran 10 miles on Sunday I don’t really see any need to overly push the running. If I simply do a 30 minute run I should be fine.
Today I am ridiculously cold here at the office. It is that time and leaves me less than hopeful for the upcoming months. It’s only October 1 and in Oregon that means about 6 more months of rain and cold. Not looking forward to that. The older I get the more I want to move to the land of sun and warmth. I like to be out doors in the sun. of course being around 140 pounds this year means I have less body fat to insulate me thru the winter which kind of sucks on that front but I guess that is like the only down side to being healthier. Guess that could help explain why I feel so ridiculously cold in this office. I work essentially in a metal container. Okay, it’s a metal shop with a little office built in it, but it’s a metal building that is not very well insulated. And I’m freaking cold! Perhaps I should think about bringing a blanket or some other warm items with me. I might seriously have to sit in my office in gloves. Hmm…
Aside from not wanting to work at the gym yesterday, I really don’t want to work at the office today. The cold makes it hard to be comfortable and focus on real work tasks. This little space heater I have directly pointing at me is not really doing a good enough job. Today is the first so it means payday and that I have to run around and do a bunch of errands actually. In the rain and the cold. So that is definitely going to help with me warming up, for sure. On the plus side when it is this cold outside I can go grocery shopping at lunch and not have to worry about leaving the stuff in my car. Nice cold ice chest already out there. See… I’m trying to find the positive in this.
I really don’t have too much else to say today. Just plugging along on this whole journey, this whole life. Biggest Loser premieres next Tuesday and for the first time in 10 years I find myself in an interesting place with this. What I mean is this. There have been 2 times in my life. The years where I actually watched Biggest Loser as it was airing, done exclusively 100% on the treadmill. Then the times when I didn’t care about health and nutrition and thus did not watch it at all. (Later watched it all on the treadmill after the fact). I find myself at a place of caring about health and nutrition and wanting to watch the show but no longer exercising at home to the TV. How do I watch Biggest Loser? I have NEVER, I mean EVER watched an episode of the Biggest Loser while sitting on my couch. No joke. That would feel so off to me. But alas, I do all my workouts at the gym now so I don’t see how I’m going to manage that one. I might have to try watching the show on the couch which will just feel so odd to me. Maybe I could make it a fun challenge of sorts and while I am not necessarily exercising I could do rounds of an exercise every commercial break or something. I know I can fast forward but still. Something. We will see. Maybe it will prove easier than I thought to watch while sitting if it is watched AFTER doing a good gym workout. Still have a week for that one.
I watched the Voice last night and have to say it felt weird to look at Adam Levine now. Ha. Not sure why exactly but I must profess that he looks really good on TV and not as skinny as he was in person. That camera I guess does add weight then, right? Because he really was a twig in person. Not really someone I would physically be that attracted too. Yes, I generally like smaller men but he was way too thin for my liking. Ironic because he has all these photos showing him all muscular. I am sure he is muscular just a very small muscular guy.
My family leaves for Maui this Friday without me. Kind of have all those mixed feelings/emotions about that one still but it’s much better than it was months ago when they booked the trip. I mean, I guess I already went to Maui this year and I guess I am going to see P!nk in Seattle later this month and then to Vegas next month so it’s not like I’m not doing anything fun. :)
I sure do hope this week flies by for me and the weekend gets here soon. Really looking forward to another weekend already, plus this Saturday is the big one for me. You know, just that one year date that means the world to me. Nothing too big planned but that’s okay. Perhaps just a day for quiet reflection. I’ll take it.
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