Perspective

"The path to heaven runs thru miles of clouded hell"

This is a song lyric I heard this morning on the radio while driving to work. For some reason it REALLY resonated with me today. I think it can be applied to so much in life. It is particularly true in terms of weight loss. The path to heaven or goal as we are calling it in this case is definitely paved with miles of clouded hell or rather obstacles and set-backs and disappointments. No path runs entirely smooth does it? I’ve always said if it was entirely easy to lose weight and be healthy then the world would not have overweight people would it? I don’t think most people consciously choose to be overweight. I think sometimes it’s easier to be overweight because it is damned hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It’s easier to not exercise and get fast food. It’s a daily struggle to overcome those clouds of hell for sure.

Yesterday I managed just fine, thanks in large part to already being so close to my heaven. It’s not really that I am seeking much more from myself in terms of weight loss. Yes, ultimately I would like to be 140 pounds at some point but honestly I am for the most part, barring a few bad days here and there, pretty damned happy and comfortable with wear I am at. Yesterday I had a day; a moment in time, where I looked at myself and actually had the thought that I looked good or skinny and that someone would not look at me and think that girl is fat. It’s always interesting to get your brain to wrap about certain concepts.

When I first lost weight it took forever for me to actually see myself as a thin person. I was in constant comparison of myself to other women, not because I wanted to judge or for any vanity sake, but simply because I had zero perspective on what I actually looked like. I had the mind of a fat girl in a skinny girl body. After years I was actually able to successfully transition my brain into thinking I was a normal sized girl. Then this had the opposite effect on my image. As I gained weight back I could not see myself as anything but the normal sized girl and therefore found myself constantly disappointed when clothes did not fit or I couldn’t do things as easily as I thought I should. Basically since my brain still viewed me as a normal sized girl it took forever for me to realize I had a problem. I could always mentally convince myself that I wasn’t really that bad off.

Being back in the thick of this weight loss world again has been interesting. I have been everywhere literally between 128 pounds and 220 pounds in my life. I have jumped between almost 100 pounds in my lifetime. That is a lot of variance. I have no desire to ever do this again. Not that anyone desires this or thinks that they will gain the weight back. But I’ve lived thru this process so many times I actually in my heart know this time is different. I am too damned old and something just seems to have finally really honestly clicked this time for me. Yes, I have a few bad days here and there but that is just being a woman with hormones and all. Overall I have maintained a sense of health and overall well-being this time that was not present in all other attempts. I no longer have a desperate sense of urgency or an underlying desperation associated with the weight loss. I am at peace with the process and this carries thru most days. (Hello period time, you are such a bitch on so many levels!)

I guess this goes back to yesterday I was trying on some Tom shoes at Nordstrom and I looked in the mirror and all be damned if I wasn’t thrilled with what I saw. Sure I wasn’t the skinniest girl by any means. Ever notice how all Nordstrom workers seem to be like stick thin super made up girls. Perhaps that’s the requirement for working there. Anyway, not only did I think I looked good but I thought I looked pretty damned healthy and curvy in the right places and fit. My rocking calves were evident thru my jeans. I have zero desire in life to be a sexless stick thin size 0 or 2. I appreciate a good curve on a woman. I want to look sexy that is the goal. Curves are much more sexy than a stick thin nothing too you figure.

Last night I ran. I don’t think I ran hard enough or else my heart rate monitor was completely off, not sure. But if I’m being honest my heart probably wasn’t working that hard since I felt like I could just keep running. Either way it doesn’t entirely matter. I ran, it was a nice run and I was satisfied with my efforts. Tonight Chris works the late shift so I am on my own and free to have a nice run this evening. I did do my 30 for 30 challenge yesterday. By the end of the day I had actually completed 50 sit ups and 40 pushups. Some days it’s easier to do more. Other day’s not so much.

Chris went fishing on Sunday and caught a nice big steelhead fish which is just a big salmon really. We had smoked fish Sunday night and a had a nice piece of it last night as well. I love fish and it’s nice to have a husband who can fish. Of course he doesn’t actually like to eat fish all that much but he loves catching it. Works for me as I love eating fish. In fact I might even have fish again tonight. We will see if there are any leftovers still in the fridge when I get home, after I run that is.

I haven’t really thought too much about goals for myself beyond the next month but with Maui looming so close that is really all I can focus my little brain around. I think when I get back in June I will have to start thinking about some other possibilities for myself. Maui is June 1-10 and I know it’s going to be a big indulge fest and I know that the two previous times I’ve gone when I get back I always find it hard to get right back into the swing of things in terms of healthy living. I don’t want that to happen, but I also don’t think that is going to happen either. If I’m being honest with myself I think I left going to Maui the two previous times not being all that healthy so it isn’t shocking that upon return I never really got back into it either. The point is, exercise will be hard after taking off 10 days so I think I need to set some sort of goal or training schedule of some sort upon my return so I HAVE to get right back to it. Maybe I need to look up some 5K’s in the area and seriously consider one of them or sign up even so that I can be mindful of my diet and exercise while on vacation and certainly immediately upon my return. That might be a good plan. I have to say that it really does help that my mom is so into her health these days as well. It keeps things much easier in my life to have the people you are around all the time be focused as well.

Mom signed another year contract with her personal trainer so she is pretty committed I’d say. Yes contracts can be broken but mom isn’t the type. That means as long as mom is going and focused I couldn’t see myself giving up either. Just another nice check in place for myself.

Things are going along just dandy otherwise and I guess that’s the best I can ask for. I’m pretty happy and content today and that is good enough for me.