1. I fully believed I lost 2.2 pounds this week and I still do believe that
2. I killed it with exercise this week more than I have in quite a while and clearly my body is rebelling
3. I started my period a few days ago
4. Too much information here; I woke up bloated as when I went to the bathroom my pee was an obnoxious dark color meaning I am retaining way to much water, and I knew it
In my heart I still fully believe that I lost 2.2 pounds this week but this morning at that moment the scale was not cooperating. Sometimes I actually believe that exercise and weight loss are contrary forces. What I mean is that while there is not a person alive who should/could believe that exercise is not great for you and a good option, but that sometimes it can work against weight loss. Case in point a couple weeks ago when I lost an amazing amount of weight in one week I had my WORST exercise week ever. So yeah, my body let go of the weight but it did not build any muscle or make me any stronger that week.
I have to look at the bigger picture here which is that what I want most is to be strong and healthy and I love exercise. I love the way it makes my body look and feel and therefore a number is just a number. Chris sweetly told me that I didn’t lose more weight because I didn’t have any more weight to lose that clearly I was gaining muscle. I love him for saying that even if it might not be true. I countered with of course I have more weight to lose; which I do. BUT…. Part of the essence of his comments is not lost on me. I have been exercising like a fiend for the last almost 7 months. My legs are rock solid. My body is fit. I would consider myself a fit person. I often take for granted what I’m capable of physically. Therefore I have to have more muscle this time around than I have in some of my past endeavors and I believe this to be true.
The only time that I perhaps felt smaller or more fit was 5 years ago when I truly was at my smallest weight. This was the one and only time that I saw some 130 numbers on the scale and I had been exercising for months at that point. This is the time I consider myself to be in the best physical shape of my life and my smallest. I have some photos I took from that time and I looked small. Upon looking at the photos now I see how small and good I looked. It’s funny how you NEVER see it in the moment, and its only later than you have any perspective.
Anyhow, I looked at these photos yesterday. And again commented on how great I looked. I was wearing this pair of jeans that hands down I consider my skinniest pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that I have continually kept putting back under my bed without trying on. They are Junior’s Size 5 jeans. I knew I wore them that one and only time when I was in the 130’s… and in those photos. Last night I put those jeans on and they totally fit and I would totally wear them. I don’t know what that say’s about my body other than whether I am at 130 something or at this current 147, whatever exercise I have been giving my body has made it a decent shape. Now, I am not saying that my body really is the same at 147 pounds as it is at 130 something and yes, I have more weight to lose for sure, but I am still happy and proud of my body.
In fact, last night, before I knew the scale was going to own me today, I felt pretty fucking amazing about things. I had those jeans on and I had an adorable Victoria Secret matching bra and panty set and I felt hot. Am I suddenly not supposed to be proud of myself and that very same body because today I suddenly weigh 1.7 more pounds than I thought I did? Are you kidding me, am I really going to notice 1.7 pounds anyway? Plus, again, I actually whole heartedly believe that I lost 1.7 pounds this week. I believe that I am bloated and retaining water from my extra workout efforts this week.
For a moment in time this morning, as I stood on that scale PISSED off, I considered lying to myself and saying that it was 145 and coming here and saying I was 145 as I whole heartedly believe I am. But the moment passed and I talked myself down from the crazy town and realized that disappointment is just as much an essential part of success as always being successful. That I would be doing no one, mostly myself, any favors by lying. That I simply cannot lie about that. This is for the rest of my life, so what is one more week anyway? Yeah, I really wanted it this week. Yeah, I wanted it so much that I over worked and psyched myself out.
Ironic is the word I would use to describe the situation. In almost 7 months I have not asked the scale to give my any particular number ever. I have not focused on a number or a weight not even once. Accepting whatever the universe gave me. The one and only time I asked for something, not unrealistic, and it gives me my worst week ever. Irony my friends, it’s a bitch.
I fully would expect that next week the scale will not only produce my 145 number but should be something good as I think I have lost it this week, but I am not going to curse myself by saying anything. Maybe as Chris stated this is where my body wants to be. Instead I am going to focus on all the positives that I have achieved. I was so happy and proud of my workouts this week and feel like I am on the path to being strong and that is what I want more than anything.
I have been doing my sit-ups and push ups at work and they are getting easier and I feel stronger because of them. I am pretty sure there is not an article of clothing that I presently own in my possession that I cannot wear. Those size 5 jeans were my last hold outs and therefore I am certain I can comfortably pull anything out of the closets, drawers, and under the beds and have it fit. The most important thing to remember is that I love the woman I see in the mirror. I feel happy again and there is not an ounce of weight (or 1.7 pounds of it) that is going to change that right now.
I had planned on taking pictures today, because I had planned at being at 145 pounds but I decided in the spirit of my whole post that I wasn’t going to care and I was going to take pictures anyway. So here I am, today, just as I am… and oh yeah, those are Size 6 Old Navy skinng jeans right there.... so hell yeah... My body may not be perfect but I will take me just as I am...
I may not technically be 145 pounds yet but at least I am no longer this girl…
I wish I had happier news to report today but it just isn’t going to slow me down and reflecting on it here makes me feel better about all of it for sure. Which I guess is why I carved out this little place for myself in the online universe to begin with. To talk thru my issues, to admit my defeats just as much as my successes. Notice I have not used the word failure because it is not a failure it is just a disappointment but I did not fail. As long as you are trying you are never failing. I really do believe that. I am simply choosing to believe that I worked too hard this week and I WILL get there eventually.
2 comments:
Girl I am so proud of you for being honest to yourself and everyone else. As much as I know the number is important, how you feel inside is even more so. You look fabulous- look at those pictures and the difference. Your smile is so much brighter and you can tell you have a confidence you didn't have in the pictures from 'before.' Embrace how far you have come and know you will get to that goal, I think the closer you get to goal, the smaller the numbers but the inches are definitely melting off of you. You are a true inspiration to me and I cannot wait to get back on the WL journey as soon as this baby comes out. Nope definitely not failure, I would say that is success because you recognize you are still winning even when you are a bit disappointed. (((hugs)))
I have to tell you... I was getting nervous that you might have jinxed yourself when I read your post yesterday and you were fully expecting to get to 145 or lower. PLUS... with the extra weight training and stair master and push ups and sit ups that you have been doing your body is building muscle and toning muscle.... remember that photo you posted of the size of the fat blob and the size of the muscle that weighed the same amount?? You are building muscles girl!! You are getting a harder body. Don't let what that stupid scale said change the way you feel about yourself. You look AMAZING in the pics you posted!!! Oh... and don't get on the scale again until next week on Thursday... I know you will be tempted in the next couple of days. :)
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