Afraid of history

My boss is not in the office today which is happiness for me because basically I can focus some time and energy on writing the blog post I’ve been thinking about for a couple days. It’s nothing fancy or anything but just stuff floating around in my mind since the weekend. So brace yourselves my friends, it’s going to be a long one.

I start today’s rant by saying that I am proud of myself. I realized sometime Sunday night that while my weekend was less than perfect that I survived the garage sale chaos which was like 3 solid weekends and 2 solid weeks of hell (rewarding hell which is why I continue to put myself thru it) but mental hell nonetheless. What I am most proud of is not necessarily my weekend but the reality that Monday I was right back at it and have finished up 2 wonderful days of completely healthy endeavors.

I realized that two years ago, before I went to Maui for my wedding we did an April garage sale as well. This proved to be my nail in the coffin of healthy living. You see, According to my charts I weighed 156.7 pounds on March 8, 2011. I guess I didn’t weigh myself again after that but on March 22, 2011 I signed up for a little small group session gym called fit studios. Yeah, I paid them way too much money to do 30 minute workout sessions in small groups. Anyhow, I went to about 5 different sessions. Then My April 7, 2011 garage sale hit. It put me over the top. I ate like crap. I specifically remember sitting outside at the garage sale eating crappy saying I guess I’m not going to go back to my fit studio sessions. I am sure I was already on max stress level with the wedding and then the garage sale. But the last time I gave a thought to my weight and eating was before my garage sale. After April 7, 2011 I no longer even attempted health.

Ultimately the garage sale was the catalyst for my giving up. I have to say that I was worried that I might not fare as well this time around. Yes, in my heart, I am not at a place of giving up but you always worry about repeating past mistakes. Today I am proud that this garage sale, 2 years later did NOT break me. I still have the fire and passion. It is less than it was months ago but it still is burning inside me. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to be able to push thru these last 13 days of April and into the month of May to return to Maui June 1 totally and completely healthy. Progress, despite less than perfect situations.

Last Friday I wrote about addictions and a friend of mine pointed out a truth I knew but kind of forgot. Ultimately I really am addicted to losing weight. I actually have known this for years and it is terrifying. It is terrifying because I claim that I am great at losing weight, not good at keeping it off. This is true, but what I’m most afraid of is the reality that I’m addicted to the high of losing weight. I’m addicted to the feeling I get while losing weight. Once I get to where I want to be and can’t lose any more weight I lose interest. I crave the feeling of excelling at losing weight and eventually the weight creeps back on. I am an addict. I have a true addictive personality. While I would love nothing more than to be able to maintain this weight the rest of my life at some point my crazy brain goes into over drive and I start to crave the affirmation of weight loss and my brain takes care of the rest in terms of allowing it to happen. I am terrified of repeating past mistakes. Notice a theme to today’s post? Repeating past mistakes….

I know I am a dedicated focused person. Time and time again I drop the weight with an ease that seems to shock even me. Perhaps if it was harder I wouldn’t be so addicted to the process. I would struggle more with it and perhaps think twice about gaining it back. I am not wishing it harder on myself as it already is a long hard process but I am worried. I am so bound and determined to never go back there this time but I also accept that I have to find ways to prevent that from being so. I need to find a substitute for the high I get from weight loss.

Running helps. I always give up running at some point but it does provide the high that I crave but unto itself it isn’t really enough. It truly is the whole setting a goal and working towards achieving it. I have a graph and chart addiction that’s been around for as long as I can remember. I like to make progress no matter what it is towards. I need to find something else to focus my efforts on in the health related word. I SHOULD try organized running of some sort. But basically I am scared shitless. I only run on my treadmill and it’s such a fun happy thing for me that I’m afraid to take it out into the “real world” where it puts pressure and competition on it. I don’t want to compete with it because I don’t want to fail at it but mostly I don’t want to turn it into something that makes me unhappy instead of being my savior. Does that make sense?

I have an addictive personality. I have a competitive personality which is why I try never to compete. I don’t want to do something unless I can “win” at it. I don’t mean win the race kind of thing; I mean win by my insanely outrageous standards. Whatever I deem winning at the time for the given application. Somehow I want to keep running pure and free of all that for me. I don’t know. I could run some 5k’s I guess since I know that wouldn’t be difficult for me at all.

I see posts on Facebook from casual acquaintances or people I went to high school with and they mention running 5k’s, and training to run a 5k and being all like… oh I just ran a 5K and talking about being exhausted or whatever. I am going to admit something that makes me sound like a total bitch here okay, so please keep in mind that this is my little page on the World Wide Web to let pseudo-anonymously let out the thoughts in my head that are not appropriate for the real world. Anyhow, with that fair warning I say; when I read those comments I’m kind of like, so the fuck what… who cares… get over it… I run more than 5K with ease every damned day practically. Okay, off my rant. I really don’t mean that. Obviously for most people running a 5K would be a great deal and I get that and am supportive of that. I think what I am doing is comparing them to me and that is not fair. It’s not fair because most people are not crazy like me.

I am afraid now that I just sounded like a horrible bitch and I am so not. Honestly in real life I am meak and timid practically and one of the nicest people you will meet. I don’t stand up for myself even when I should. Take yesterday for example. I am waiting in a stupid long line at the bank to make a work deposit. I walk into the bank, see the line and get in the back of it. A lady walks by, right in front of me and say’s something like I was there, and walks by completely going over to the other side of the bank. I pay no attention to her but as I am waiting in line eventually she returns and literally walks right in front of me and gets in line ahead of me. Clearly she thinks because she was in the bank before me but not in line she deserves to be ahead of me. It pissed me off but I didn’t say a word. It’s just not the kind of person I am. I let a horrible bitch cut in front of me but I just can’t cause drama. My sister would never let that fly. I respect her for that.

Anyway, back to the 5K thing. I really am a nice person and acknowledge the accomplishment of running a 5K for most people. But mostly because we all try to make things relevant to our own lives I ultimately always bring it back to me and wonder… hmm… is it hard to run a 5K? I think I take it for granted how much I run. I think I am the one who is off. I truly do. I have no perspective at all. I am always trying to better myself which is good but take last night for example. I had what I finally would call a great run. Since starting down the whole garage sale path I haven’t had a “good” run in a while. Last night I got on it, bumped up my speed by a tenth and ran and felt it. I just felt great and I ran and ran, I ran for 85 minutes and did 10 miles. I was tired at the end. I wanted to quit. But I felt amazing. I always sell myself short I suppose. Like running on a treadmill doesn’t count. I know it’s much easier than an outside run. So somehow in my brain I feel like running a 5K would be hard for me because I only run treadmills.

I think secretly I am jealous of all the people who run 5K’s because they have the courage that I do not possess. I think that is what it probably boils down to my fucked up so what attitude stems from jealousy. I am afraid and therefore choose to have a bitchy attitude instead. But I do wonder why I won’t even try sometimes… I am certain that no matter what the circumstances even on a horrible day I could run 3.1 miles. Maybe it wouldn’t be killer fast, but I could run 3.1 miles. I could run it right now if you wanted me to. Like this minute if I had my shoes of course. But I don’t need to train. I guess I’ve been training for months. I am not trying to gloat or brag and I certainly am not ever trying to make anyone feel bad I’m just trying to figure out what blocks me from attempting to even try.

I told you today was going to be an extra-long post as I have so much running thru my brain. Ha Ha, pun intentioned on the running bit. Anyhow, back to the whole concept of being addicted to losing weight. I am in search of that high that will keep me healthy and active and provide chart accountability and tracking. I need to be able to set goals and achieve them. I work best with results driven kind of behaviors. I need tangibles. Another thought is actually joining a gym and a personal trainer so that I can start tracking the intangibles for me such as body fat percentages or rather muscle percentages. I have zero concept of how much muscle I have on my body. My mom and sister have trainers and they do their monthly check in’s and are told how many pounds of muscle they gained and I am super jealous.

Perhaps if I had a trainer who pushed me I might stay motivated? I don’t know I’m stretching here. I know that having things like vacations and concerts help to keep me in check. And of course the “goal” of maintaining my weight so that I can get my boob job is really motivating. But there does have to be something more. I will keep pondering this as my goal gets closer in sight.

I have 4 pounds to go until my 145 goal. Really my goal is 140 so that is 9 pounds. I won’t “stop” after that but I am certain that on my own my body will find its place where it wants to be. I am going to let it find its set point all by itself. I have learned to avoid the scale and let me body just do its thing. That is the thing I am most proud of on this like take 20 at losing weight. Okay maybe it’s not the 20th time but sometimes it feels like it. It is definitely too many times thus my determination to never go back there again. For real this time. At least I’m actually open to discussing the reasons why I gain the weight and accept my past failures. I’m afraid of my past because I’m afraid of repeating it AGAIN. I suppose as I get closer to goal it’s only natural that these feelings would start to emerge. I’ve failed so many times that it’s easy to see why my brain would go there.

I will not let that fear get the best of me because if I fear too much I am letting it win and I won’t do that. I can do this this time. I actually in my heart believe that I will be able to succeed this time. I feel like I’m already acknowledging and accepting what I need more than I’ve ever done in the past. I will work to find new challenges for myself to keep me in check. I will continue to use this board as a place to check in, as my disappearance from this world is always indication of failure for me.

On another note, I got my size 8 Old Navy jeans the other day and while they do fit, there is still some slight falling down issues. Not really falling down but I want my jeans tight so that I don’t have to constantly yank them up. Basically as I feared I waited too long to retire the size 10’s and probably needed size 6’s. So I went ahead and ordered three pairs of size 6’s now. They should be here next Monday actually. Basically what this means is that since October 2012 I have bought the same style of jeans from Old Navy in EVERY single stupid size from 18 to 6. I guess that means I’ve gone from an 18 to a 6 which is pretty amazing. Not smart on the pocket book but not a bad problem to have overall.

I did take some of my garage sale earnings and splurged on a few things for myself. I bought a new bottle of perfume, some coach sunglasses, a few more makeup items and some house stuff I wanted. I bought a capiz lamp for my makeup table from west elm. I’ve been eyeballing it for years but didn’t want to spend the money. I was totally like fuck it and went for it. I picked up a new rug too to go with it. This is all in the spare bedroom where I have my makeup table and do my hair/makeup every morning. My bathroom is entirely too small to do it in there. I like to spread out! Anyhow, I got a few other knick knacks for the house from pottery barn and west elm. They should start arriving later this week and I will be a happy girl. For now anyway.

Um… Maui is like a month and a half away… Less than a month and a half actually. I am so stupidly thrilled. I woke up this morning and rolled over and looked at Chris and said, I need a vacation! I am in desperate need of some time off from everything. I didn’t want to go to work today for sure but here I am. I just want to go sit on a tropical beach and relax. Soon… and I couldn’t be happier.

So I just planned and booked my Saturday. Are you ready for this… yeah me… I have a 1:30 1 hour deep tissue massage and a 2:45 PM 1 hour facial at the same salon and then I have a 5:00 PM Nail fill appointment at another place. How exciting is that! I am thinking the day will look like, get up go to the gym with mom at like 9 AM, spend like 2 hours there. I won’t be working out that hard the whole time and then come home and probably shower so that I am nice and clean and fresh for my massage and probably not do makeup since I am getting a facial. How exciting is that. Exactly what I needed. A day of pampering for me. Been far too long. That just sounds off the charts amazing to me. Workout in the morning, healthy lunch somewhere, then pampering in the afternoon. Perfection! I did specify deep tissue massage this time as I really want it to be harder than last time. This is a different place so I will just tell them off the bat I want it hard :)

Okay so I think that’s about it for now. I mean, this is probably one of the longest posts I’ve ever done so it’s not like I didn’t say too much already. You never know I might be back later with more as I swear I have a million thoughts floating around.