Goals and Addiction

Woo Hoo, it’s officially Friday. I can honestly say that this week has pretty much flown by for me. I really appreciated my evenings to myself again. Last night I came home and I got to run again which felt really nice. I actually need the high from exercise for things to feel good in my world. I get mentally so out of whack without those extra endorphins pumping thru my brain. I guess I can turn into a major bitch I suppose which is the crazy I was experiencing last Friday. I am in a much better mental state today. Happy even. Yes, tomorrow I have one more day of garage sale but I am not worried about it all. It is not the crazy of last weekend and I relish the opportunity to sell a few more things and make a little more money. I mean, I like money :)

One more day and then I pack it all up and can officially be done with this garage sale. We do another garage sale in August, but that is months away. 2 a year. I will be happy on Saturday evening when it’s all over and cleaned up. But honestly, it’s like only 26 or so hours away from completion so I’ll take it.

I was reading some blogs today… I am always in search of new blogs to follow as I enjoy keeping up with real life people and one of the new blogs I was reading was talking about the concept of addiction. This is not a new concept and certainly something I am painfully aware of. Cleary any overweight person has an addiction of one sort or another. Perhaps it’s not always the obvious. Perhaps it isn’t even always an addiction to food… BUT… I do feel like there is an underlying addiction to something that keeps us miserable and repeating past mistakes. Maybe it is as simple as a food addiction. I do love food after all. But for me it was never truly an addiction to food itself, it was always more complex than that. I guess if I completely knew I’d be able to solve my own problems. I think about this concept a lot actually. Why do I let myself gain so much weight back? Am I addicted to misery? Am I addicted to punishing myself physically when things in my mental world go out of whack? I think this is probably closer to the truth for me.

I have an addictive personality. Plain and simple. Period. I lovingly call it obsessive compulsive and joke around but at its heart is a real truth. There is a crazy streak in me that not only allows me to be so successful at weight loss, but keeps me the crazy coupon lady, or keeps me 100% balls to the wall with anything I do. My family has also been known to call it passion from time to time as well. I am very passionate about everything I set my mind to. I love this trait about me at times because it does allow me to accomplish anything I really decide to do. However, it has its drawbacks as well. Like for instance in ignoring issues when they come up or really anything having to do with the maintenance of my weight loss. Or shopping. I am slightly addicted to shopping. It’s like some chemical portion of my brain is not satisfied until I own whatever it is I get my heart set on. Now mind you I am so much better now than I ever have been. At least I don’t shop beyond my means or what I can afford. That is a huge step for this girl. Even my first paragraph above shows signs of my addictive personality. Did I not just comment on how much I need and crave the exercise high??? I believe I am perhaps addicted to it!

All I know is I’m working hard to try and break the patterns of addiction that are destructive to me. I am working to put checks in place for myself to keep me healthy long term. Last night, after I ran, while I was in the shower I actually noticed how once again my boobs looked really really saggy and deflated. This always happens when I get close to goal weight. Anyhow, in the shower I reaffirmed my promise to myself that I WILL maintain my weight for a year and this time next year instead of a Maui trip, I will be taking a trip to a plastic surgeon for a lift and implants. I know it can happen as the obsessive addictive person in me does whatever I put my mind to. It gives me a goal, a broader picture to look at. I need to set positive goals for myself, things to keep me encouraged.

June 2013: Maui
September 2013: Maroon 5 concert
October 2013: Seattle for Pink!!!!
May 2014: Boob job

There, see my lofty goals laid out. But perhaps this will allow me to actually succeed whereas all previous attempts I have been goal-less or reward-less or didn’t have things to keep me going. Also I should point out that May 27, 2014 will be my 35th birthday so I guess I will give myself new boobs for my 35th birthday. I think that sounds like an AMAZING plan! So I guess that means in like 7 weeks I am going to be 34 years old. Hmm… my birthday doesn’t actually do that much for me anymore so I don’t think about it too much. But I do think it would be pretty cool to have my boob job the beginning of May so that on my 35th birthday I was a new me so to speak. This is the first time I am actually giving myself something concrete here.

I told Chris that I was getting a boob job in a year last night too. I mean, I told him before but I reminded him that I was serious again last night. That in a years time even if I have to finance it and make monthly payments for my boobs (which I probably will, as I am certain a lift and implants is going to be hella expensive!) that I didn’t care, I was getting them and I would make my monthly boob payment because it matters to me. My self-esteem and self-worth are worth a monthly payment. I have really honestly thrashed my poor boobs with so much weight gain and loss. I want to fix what I’ve broke.

Anyway I guess I really am all over the place on this post so I might as well make one more giant jump in conversation. I have been wavering back and forth on running tonight but I am going to commit right here and now so that I HAVE to hold myself accountable, that I am going to immediately go home and run. I am going to get on the treadmill for an hour so that I can go into my weekend feeling good. Chris wants to go out to dinner tonight so in order for me to let go and relax and enjoy myself a little I think I need a good run. There. I’ve committed it out loud so it must be so now. My new Old Navy jeans are “out for delivery” today according to my online tracking. Thank goodness. My size 10’s I’ve been wearing for far too long are really driving me crazy. I do NOT like pulling them up every single time I move… Looking forward to some better fitting pants.

With that, have an amazing weekend everyone and I shall return Monday a happier, clean-garaged woman…