Perspective

"The path to heaven runs thru miles of clouded hell"

This is a song lyric I heard this morning on the radio while driving to work. For some reason it REALLY resonated with me today. I think it can be applied to so much in life. It is particularly true in terms of weight loss. The path to heaven or goal as we are calling it in this case is definitely paved with miles of clouded hell or rather obstacles and set-backs and disappointments. No path runs entirely smooth does it? I’ve always said if it was entirely easy to lose weight and be healthy then the world would not have overweight people would it? I don’t think most people consciously choose to be overweight. I think sometimes it’s easier to be overweight because it is damned hard to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It’s easier to not exercise and get fast food. It’s a daily struggle to overcome those clouds of hell for sure.

Yesterday I managed just fine, thanks in large part to already being so close to my heaven. It’s not really that I am seeking much more from myself in terms of weight loss. Yes, ultimately I would like to be 140 pounds at some point but honestly I am for the most part, barring a few bad days here and there, pretty damned happy and comfortable with wear I am at. Yesterday I had a day; a moment in time, where I looked at myself and actually had the thought that I looked good or skinny and that someone would not look at me and think that girl is fat. It’s always interesting to get your brain to wrap about certain concepts.

When I first lost weight it took forever for me to actually see myself as a thin person. I was in constant comparison of myself to other women, not because I wanted to judge or for any vanity sake, but simply because I had zero perspective on what I actually looked like. I had the mind of a fat girl in a skinny girl body. After years I was actually able to successfully transition my brain into thinking I was a normal sized girl. Then this had the opposite effect on my image. As I gained weight back I could not see myself as anything but the normal sized girl and therefore found myself constantly disappointed when clothes did not fit or I couldn’t do things as easily as I thought I should. Basically since my brain still viewed me as a normal sized girl it took forever for me to realize I had a problem. I could always mentally convince myself that I wasn’t really that bad off.

Being back in the thick of this weight loss world again has been interesting. I have been everywhere literally between 128 pounds and 220 pounds in my life. I have jumped between almost 100 pounds in my lifetime. That is a lot of variance. I have no desire to ever do this again. Not that anyone desires this or thinks that they will gain the weight back. But I’ve lived thru this process so many times I actually in my heart know this time is different. I am too damned old and something just seems to have finally really honestly clicked this time for me. Yes, I have a few bad days here and there but that is just being a woman with hormones and all. Overall I have maintained a sense of health and overall well-being this time that was not present in all other attempts. I no longer have a desperate sense of urgency or an underlying desperation associated with the weight loss. I am at peace with the process and this carries thru most days. (Hello period time, you are such a bitch on so many levels!)

I guess this goes back to yesterday I was trying on some Tom shoes at Nordstrom and I looked in the mirror and all be damned if I wasn’t thrilled with what I saw. Sure I wasn’t the skinniest girl by any means. Ever notice how all Nordstrom workers seem to be like stick thin super made up girls. Perhaps that’s the requirement for working there. Anyway, not only did I think I looked good but I thought I looked pretty damned healthy and curvy in the right places and fit. My rocking calves were evident thru my jeans. I have zero desire in life to be a sexless stick thin size 0 or 2. I appreciate a good curve on a woman. I want to look sexy that is the goal. Curves are much more sexy than a stick thin nothing too you figure.

Last night I ran. I don’t think I ran hard enough or else my heart rate monitor was completely off, not sure. But if I’m being honest my heart probably wasn’t working that hard since I felt like I could just keep running. Either way it doesn’t entirely matter. I ran, it was a nice run and I was satisfied with my efforts. Tonight Chris works the late shift so I am on my own and free to have a nice run this evening. I did do my 30 for 30 challenge yesterday. By the end of the day I had actually completed 50 sit ups and 40 pushups. Some days it’s easier to do more. Other day’s not so much.

Chris went fishing on Sunday and caught a nice big steelhead fish which is just a big salmon really. We had smoked fish Sunday night and a had a nice piece of it last night as well. I love fish and it’s nice to have a husband who can fish. Of course he doesn’t actually like to eat fish all that much but he loves catching it. Works for me as I love eating fish. In fact I might even have fish again tonight. We will see if there are any leftovers still in the fridge when I get home, after I run that is.

I haven’t really thought too much about goals for myself beyond the next month but with Maui looming so close that is really all I can focus my little brain around. I think when I get back in June I will have to start thinking about some other possibilities for myself. Maui is June 1-10 and I know it’s going to be a big indulge fest and I know that the two previous times I’ve gone when I get back I always find it hard to get right back into the swing of things in terms of healthy living. I don’t want that to happen, but I also don’t think that is going to happen either. If I’m being honest with myself I think I left going to Maui the two previous times not being all that healthy so it isn’t shocking that upon return I never really got back into it either. The point is, exercise will be hard after taking off 10 days so I think I need to set some sort of goal or training schedule of some sort upon my return so I HAVE to get right back to it. Maybe I need to look up some 5K’s in the area and seriously consider one of them or sign up even so that I can be mindful of my diet and exercise while on vacation and certainly immediately upon my return. That might be a good plan. I have to say that it really does help that my mom is so into her health these days as well. It keeps things much easier in my life to have the people you are around all the time be focused as well.

Mom signed another year contract with her personal trainer so she is pretty committed I’d say. Yes contracts can be broken but mom isn’t the type. That means as long as mom is going and focused I couldn’t see myself giving up either. Just another nice check in place for myself.

Things are going along just dandy otherwise and I guess that’s the best I can ask for. I’m pretty happy and content today and that is good enough for me.

30 for 30 Challenge

Well, here’s the deal… I had a fun weekend hanging with my sisters. ALL of my sisters. My older sister and youngest sister live in Southern Oregon whereas I am in the Northern part of Oregon. We live approximately 3 ½ hours away. While I still consider us an insanely close family, one who is way too involved in each other’s daily lives, we don’t see each other ALL that much. We make a point of going down or them coming up as much as possible but for me it had been since January that I saw them. That is probably the longest I’ve gone in quite a while. Anyhow, I love it when we are all together. We really do get along amazingly and you know how I have no real friends that’s because my 3 sisters are my best friends.

Anyway, we ended up on Saturday heading to an outlet mall where we walked around for a few hours and shopped. Chris went with me and one of my sisters husbands went with her. It was a lot of fun and I just love hanging out. We did end up in the Coach store where we all (every one of the four of us girls) purchased a new Coach purse. It was entirely unnecessary and unneeded but whatever. I did not need a new coach purse as I get them all the time but I was in the market for a new fun color I suppose and this new red one really spoke to me. Anyway, this is my new bag that I purchased.



It’s quite pretty and I quite love it so I guess its okay. Who am I kidding; it’s always okay for me to buy things if I want them. Ha. I find that the more I love myself the more I feel its okay to buy myself pretty things. It continues to make me feel happy and pretty. Vicious cycle.

Now in terms of food and eating I made pretty much the worst healthy food decisions I’ve made in like 7 months over the weekend. My Thursday night ended up being shitty because I was having a pity party and then Friday I did get during the day but Chris and I went to dinner where I indulged too much and then Saturday at the outlet mall I made good choices, Subway, but then it was back to my mom’s house for a pampered chef party and pretty much all hell broke loose. It was also my nephew’s birthday celebration so we had amazing fancy cupcakes and I ate one. A giant like 1000 calories cupcake I’m guessing. Anyway, I wish that were all but it’s not. I ate too many other bad things. Again, my choices and its okay. Then Sunday I was hoping the day would be better but somehow by Sunday afternoon and 2 slices of pizza and a piece of chocolate cake later I was in full on indulge mode. I ate too many awful things but you know what what… I’m not really mad at myself. They were my choices and if this means it takes me a little longer to get to some magical goal that is okay. I had a nice time with my family and that is what is important to me.

I feel like perhaps I have been living this last week in a land where I think I am at some goal weight. Now realistically can I live at 146.7 pounds forever and be happy. Yeah, probably. But that is not my goal weight so I need to quit acting like it is. I don’t want to get “this close” to where I want to be and give up. Not happening. Yeah, I indulged to much this weekend but that stops today and I’m back at it. That is part of life.

I have approximately a month or 30 days (okay technically it is 33 days counting today) until I get on a plane for Hawaii. I need to put my ass in gear and see what I can do in these 30 days. I’m calling it 30 days for the sake of simplicity. I have created a little challenge for myself. I’m calling it a 30 for 30 challenge. That means I am going to do 30 sit ups a day for the next 30 days. I know it’s pretty basic and simple but it’s something to make sure that I accomplish and just another added thing. I also am challenging myself to run 20 out of the 30 days. That is not unrealistic for me but again it gives me something to track to “obtain” and we all know how much I crave the track ability of things.

I have every intention of running tonight. Actually there is no “intention” to it, it WILL happen. But with that said, I forgot to mention that I did run last Friday night, a nice good run and then Saturday morning when I woke up, before heading to see my sisters I made myself run full speed for 30 minutes. I did a quick 30 minute workout to keep me focused as much good as that did and all. But Nonetheless I killed it for a 30 minute run on Saturday. I did take yesterday off but today I am right back at it, ready for another fabulous run.

I’m mildly concerned about the scale on Thursday given my 4 days of indulgence this weekend and the yucky bloated feeling in my tummy as a result but I have to honestly say who the fuck knows since I was so confident last week and had it completely back fire. My expectations this week are minimal or rather none so therefore this week I’d be thrilled with a half-pound loss. My efforts have not been good enough to warrant any more confidence than that. In fact I’m mildly concerned I would gain but I do have three complete days to put me back on track. Good foods and healthy exercise are in order for the next 3 days. Plus my new 30 for 30 challenge which I am starting today. I should point out it would be acceptable to me to do MORE than the 30 but 30 is the minimum I can do.

It’s a little chilly here today but it’s not too bad but this looks like the worst day this week according to the forecast so I’ll take it. My forecast says its 57 high today, tomorrow is 61, then Wed we turn to 73, Thur 81.. (Holy crap the 80’s!!!) 79 on Friday and then 84 on Saturday. That is a heat wave to me. I need to get my feet into a pedicure stat as that is sandal weather if I’ve ever seen it. Honestly it won’t happen until Saturday but I did spruce them up myself so that they are at least presentable this week. Ha. I do love the sun though and am very much looking forward to this weather. I’m getting ready to head out for some lunch time errands and hopefully get in a little sun while I’m out.

The ugly underbelly

It is Friday afternoon and I am very happy about this. I almost didn’t write again today. I think that it is generally incredibly easy for me to come on here and write about what is going on in my life because like 95% of the time I am a happy positive person. I honestly believe that being a happy positive person is the only way to live life. But, that is not all that life is. If someone came on here and read this blog it wouldn’t be accurate to not ever show any of the negativity in my life or my brain and yes Virginia there is negativity and self-doubt and pity parties.

It is not accurate to only portray the good about me; I have to be free to act like a whiny bitch from time to time to show I’m human if nothing else. Actually I probably do that all the time so it’s probably not necessary to point out the fact that I am incredibly mental that is probably pretty self-evident.

Anyway, I am going to preface this by saying, I 100% solidly know in my head and heart that not getting the number I wanted on the scale yesterday is not that big of a deal. My brain logically knows that it doesn’t matter and I tried so hard yesterday to rationalize and remain untouched by it. That is not what ended up happening. I feel like a bitch because I know there are people who only lose ½ a pound a week every week and that is great for them and they are thrilled as they should be. I would NEVER tell anyone else that losing ½ a pound is not good enough. It is! I know that. A loss is a loss is a loss. It’s not even that I only lost ½ a pound. I could have lived with that. It was that it was the one and only week I wanted more. I expected more. I EARNED more. It threw me into a tailspin that can only best be described as a pity party for 1.

Never mind the reality that I weighed 146.7 on the scale. Never mind the fact that this means I have lost a total of 73.3 pounds. Never mind that I am wearing size 6 jeans. Never mind all the things my brain logically knows. NEVER mind them okay…. Yesterday, by the evening, I hated everything about what I saw in the mirror. In fact all I saw was the incredibly giggly thighs and the rolls of extra fat or rather skin around my stomach and the massive amount of untoned fat lurking.

Why is it that at 200 plus pounds I am less critical of myself than I am at 146.7 pounds? Why is it that the smaller I get the more I notice the little things? No matter how much my husband tried last night (and again bless than man for dealing with this basket case sometimes) he could not console nor convince me to be happy. I was in indulgent self-loathe land and I accepted it. I kept telling him I am just sad and I know I have no business being sad but I can’t help but be sad and you need to let me be sad. Some days you just have to indulge that girl so that you can move on from her. I also think a lot of this has to do with the reality that I started my period and therefore am a little extra emotional anyway. I kept telling Chris that I will be better tomorrow; I just have to get this out of my system. I really did feel awful for feeling bad about myself. Does that make sense? I knew I had no right to hate on myself so much because there are people out there who would kill to be 146.7 pounds, giggly parts and all. Hell, I would have killed to be 146.7 pounds like 7 months ago. I have no room to complain at all and yet there I was complaining and thinking life was not fair.

Why do I let the scale affect me like that? This is exactly why I am never allowed to weigh too much or to give it more credit than it really deserves. It is simply a single moment in time a snapshot of a moment. It is static. It doesn’t change as we change. All it can do is tell me at that exact moment what number my body is weighing in at. For that moment. Cause God knows if I drink a bunch of water in like 5 minutes that number could be different. I’m just illustrating that it is a completely fickle and undeserving means of measurement. I can think of so many other factors that are more telling of success. Even though I have had tremendous success measuring by this means, I still don’t think it’s the best means to measure anything.

Basically I was in a pretty pissy mood and I hate that I was. I so wanted to break out of it and instead I gave into the feelings and ate cookies. Damned period! Damned hormones. Yup, I ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies. Oh well.

Today is a new day and I promised myself that the pity party ends today and that is exactly what has happened. I’m over it and I’m doing fine. I’m ready to run tonight. I did take yesterday off from exercise as well as I was just too damned pissy and honestly tired to work out. So today I will go home and run. I will get a nice run in and then I’m going to dinner with my husband and then tomorrow my niece and nephew will be here. I haven’t seen them since January so I’m very excited to cuddle on them. Because my two sisters will be in town I probably won’t get much done this weekend. Saturday night my mom is having a pampered chef party so tomorrow is definitely going to be exercise-less, but that is okay. All the more reason why I must run today.

I am over the pity party, I need to keep my ass going and focus on what really matters which is that I am in control and not a stupid scale. I have accomplished way too much to be angry at myself. I can indulge for a day because sometimes that is healthy too but I will not wallow for too long, quite honestly I have too much other work to do. I want to be strong and that means building these muscles of mine and pushing them to their limits. So with that in mind I think I’m going to hit the ground for some more sit-ups. That’s what I need today. Exercise and health.

The universe owned me today

The universe is a complete and utter bitch. That is my official assessment for the day. This is not a post I wanted to be writing at all. But I guess it wouldn’t be a true and accurate representation of life if we weren’t sometimes left disappointed. In the grand scheme of things it’s not that big of a deal but I REALLY wanted it and therefore found myself in utter distress this morning when the scale said 146.7. Yup, I only lost half a pound and clearly feel quite short of my 145 pound goal. Okay, so this is what I know…

1. I fully believed I lost 2.2 pounds this week and I still do believe that
2. I killed it with exercise this week more than I have in quite a while and clearly my body is rebelling
3. I started my period a few days ago
4. Too much information here; I woke up bloated as when I went to the bathroom my pee was an obnoxious dark color meaning I am retaining way to much water, and I knew it

In my heart I still fully believe that I lost 2.2 pounds this week but this morning at that moment the scale was not cooperating. Sometimes I actually believe that exercise and weight loss are contrary forces. What I mean is that while there is not a person alive who should/could believe that exercise is not great for you and a good option, but that sometimes it can work against weight loss. Case in point a couple weeks ago when I lost an amazing amount of weight in one week I had my WORST exercise week ever. So yeah, my body let go of the weight but it did not build any muscle or make me any stronger that week.

I have to look at the bigger picture here which is that what I want most is to be strong and healthy and I love exercise. I love the way it makes my body look and feel and therefore a number is just a number. Chris sweetly told me that I didn’t lose more weight because I didn’t have any more weight to lose that clearly I was gaining muscle. I love him for saying that even if it might not be true. I countered with of course I have more weight to lose; which I do. BUT…. Part of the essence of his comments is not lost on me. I have been exercising like a fiend for the last almost 7 months. My legs are rock solid. My body is fit. I would consider myself a fit person. I often take for granted what I’m capable of physically. Therefore I have to have more muscle this time around than I have in some of my past endeavors and I believe this to be true.

The only time that I perhaps felt smaller or more fit was 5 years ago when I truly was at my smallest weight. This was the one and only time that I saw some 130 numbers on the scale and I had been exercising for months at that point. This is the time I consider myself to be in the best physical shape of my life and my smallest. I have some photos I took from that time and I looked small. Upon looking at the photos now I see how small and good I looked. It’s funny how you NEVER see it in the moment, and its only later than you have any perspective.

Anyhow, I looked at these photos yesterday. And again commented on how great I looked. I was wearing this pair of jeans that hands down I consider my skinniest pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that I have continually kept putting back under my bed without trying on. They are Junior’s Size 5 jeans. I knew I wore them that one and only time when I was in the 130’s… and in those photos. Last night I put those jeans on and they totally fit and I would totally wear them. I don’t know what that say’s about my body other than whether I am at 130 something or at this current 147, whatever exercise I have been giving my body has made it a decent shape. Now, I am not saying that my body really is the same at 147 pounds as it is at 130 something and yes, I have more weight to lose for sure, but I am still happy and proud of my body.

In fact, last night, before I knew the scale was going to own me today, I felt pretty fucking amazing about things. I had those jeans on and I had an adorable Victoria Secret matching bra and panty set and I felt hot. Am I suddenly not supposed to be proud of myself and that very same body because today I suddenly weigh 1.7 more pounds than I thought I did? Are you kidding me, am I really going to notice 1.7 pounds anyway? Plus, again, I actually whole heartedly believe that I lost 1.7 pounds this week. I believe that I am bloated and retaining water from my extra workout efforts this week.

For a moment in time this morning, as I stood on that scale PISSED off, I considered lying to myself and saying that it was 145 and coming here and saying I was 145 as I whole heartedly believe I am. But the moment passed and I talked myself down from the crazy town and realized that disappointment is just as much an essential part of success as always being successful. That I would be doing no one, mostly myself, any favors by lying. That I simply cannot lie about that. This is for the rest of my life, so what is one more week anyway? Yeah, I really wanted it this week. Yeah, I wanted it so much that I over worked and psyched myself out.

Ironic is the word I would use to describe the situation. In almost 7 months I have not asked the scale to give my any particular number ever. I have not focused on a number or a weight not even once. Accepting whatever the universe gave me. The one and only time I asked for something, not unrealistic, and it gives me my worst week ever. Irony my friends, it’s a bitch.

I fully would expect that next week the scale will not only produce my 145 number but should be something good as I think I have lost it this week, but I am not going to curse myself by saying anything. Maybe as Chris stated this is where my body wants to be. Instead I am going to focus on all the positives that I have achieved. I was so happy and proud of my workouts this week and feel like I am on the path to being strong and that is what I want more than anything.

I have been doing my sit-ups and push ups at work and they are getting easier and I feel stronger because of them. I am pretty sure there is not an article of clothing that I presently own in my possession that I cannot wear. Those size 5 jeans were my last hold outs and therefore I am certain I can comfortably pull anything out of the closets, drawers, and under the beds and have it fit. The most important thing to remember is that I love the woman I see in the mirror. I feel happy again and there is not an ounce of weight (or 1.7 pounds of it) that is going to change that right now.

I had planned on taking pictures today, because I had planned at being at 145 pounds but I decided in the spirit of my whole post that I wasn’t going to care and I was going to take pictures anyway. So here I am, today, just as I am… and oh yeah, those are Size 6 Old Navy skinng jeans right there.... so hell yeah... My body may not be perfect but I will take me just as I am...





I may not technically be 145 pounds yet but at least I am no longer this girl…



I wish I had happier news to report today but it just isn’t going to slow me down and reflecting on it here makes me feel better about all of it for sure. Which I guess is why I carved out this little place for myself in the online universe to begin with. To talk thru my issues, to admit my defeats just as much as my successes. Notice I have not used the word failure because it is not a failure it is just a disappointment but I did not fail. As long as you are trying you are never failing. I really do believe that. I am simply choosing to believe that I worked too hard this week and I WILL get there eventually.

The designer in me

Ah Wednesday how I love how quickly this week seems to be flying by. Seriously this is excellent news for a girl on a mission. My mission is tomorrow 2.2. I know I’m being a little intense or obsessive about it this week, but you will notice that in the course of the last 6 ½ months I have NOT been that intensive or obsessive or fixated on a particular number so I don’t think one week is really so horrible. I just want to see my 145 tomorrow and then my life will return to its regularly scheduled programming. Honestly it’s NOT that big of a deal but I think I will get it. I really do.

Last night I hit the gym with my mom again. There is something nice about being in that environment. I can hold my own now and that is a good feeling. I “warmed up” with a half hour run at a high intensity. It was amazing and made me feel like an athlete. Definitely don’t push myself that hard at home. We then moved on to some weight machines and then some floor work. I did the stair climber again which was killer and amazing at the same time and then finished it all up with another ½ hour run. This way I am getting in my normal hour run PLUS some other stuff. Quite enjoyable. It wasn’t overly crowded there which was nice but I’m not sure if I am totally ready to commit to a membership just yet. I really do hate having to travel to exercise. I don’t mind on the weekends when I am already out and about and don’t want to be home but on a week night there is something fabulous about going home, doing my run and then being home already. We will see.

When I got home I was greeted to my new beautiful rugs. VERY exciting. I have seriously looked at rugs for years but never could get price and function to meet. Plus I’m a pretty picky girl about my interior décor. I have a modest small house but it’s decorated exactly as I love. I fancy myself a designer at heart. I mean I went to school for graphic design and love all things beautiful and pretty. I love interior design so much. I might have missed my true calling on that front. But like anything else if you have to do it for a job it probably wouldn’t be as much fun.

Anyhow, here are pictures of my living room with the new rugs. Love it. As the summer progresses perhaps I will take photos of other rooms in my house. I am super in love with my bedroom too. And my back patio is looking pretty nice again for the upcoming hopefully amazing summer months. But for now, here’s the living room.













I don’t have too much on the agenda for the evening. Since it is my last chance workout I will run tonight but I am not going to do anything too fancy or push myself too much. Since I will be at home and back to my normal routine I am fine with not overly pushing myself, considering last night I did push hard. I am all out of Hershey’s peppermint white chocolate kisses which is a nice thing. These were from Christmas and we are finally all done with them. BUT that means instead of over indulging on them I have taken to over indulging on nuts. I know there are worse things in the world to indulge on. But I find myself walking by and eating handfuls of cashews or the mixed nut can that sits on the counter. I have not been measuring or counting points for the past month or so. I think I go in spurts with that. Sometimes I am dead on and sometimes I feel like as long as I make good choices it’s probably good enough. I am back to thinking it’s good enough for me for now. And it truly is.

My older sister Jen called me yesterday afternoon. She had just completed a session with her personal trainer and only has one more session paid for, this Thursday. She told me she was on the verge of wanting to quit. At the cusp of either quitting and gaining back the 17 pounds she has lost or paying for more sessions and keep going. She was feeling discouraged and unmotivated. She wanted/needed a pep talk. I told her she absolutely could NOT quit. That I know she has a long road ahead of her and that it can feel discouraging at times but what was she really going to do… quit and gain back the 17 pounds that apparently are very hard to lose anyway. Don’t do it. Don’t quit. I told her to pay the money and keep going. She was worth it. And I meant every single word of it. She needs this. I want her to be successful. I really do.

It is supposed to be nice out today with sun and all and I want to go bask in it at some point. I miss nice sun and I hate being cold. The older I get the less I love the cold and rain. I want warmth and sunshine on my face. I just feel so epically better with sun. I feel like I can tackle things I otherwise don’t think I can handle. Yeah sun!

Today is on track… I will keep everything together and I will not peak at the scale. I want my weigh in tomorrow morning to be epic. Epic like I’ve lost 75 pounds total. That kind of epic. I will report as soon as possible tomorrow morning. Hopefully it’s what I expect to see.

It's a goal

Tuesday afternoon already. Boy does times start to fly I guess when you are busy. I’m feeling pretty good today because the sun is out and that is always happiness for me. Let’s see, last night I came home, got on my treadmill and started running at my normal speed. After 15 minutes I realized that I have NOT been pushing myself at all. I think pushing myself at the gym on Saturday made me realize that I am being lazy most of the time. As if running can ever be described as lazy. But I mean, I am definitely not challenging myself. At 20 minutes in and feeling like I wanted to fly I pushed my speed up by two tenths and went for it. Yeah, I ran another 45 minutes like this NOOO problems. Clearly the last couple weeks at least I was not working out at my full potential. I kind of knew this anyway. I had a great run and finished up before Chris came home.

I decided to dye my hair last night again. I looked in the mirror and saw roots so I went for it. I do all my own hair dying because while I splurge on so much in life I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I want to spend $100 a month on a cut and color. Besides I found a boxed dye that works miracles on my hair. Seriously LOVE how awesome it looks so I don’t want to fuck with that. Besides I am VERY terrible at actually making appointments for anything so it’s best to just do it myself on a whim. Regardless, today I am loving my hair so much. Nothing like freshly dyed hair to lift the spirits.

Chris sent me a link to a live webcam on a beach in Maui so I’ve been watching that a little. It is making me so ready to go there you have no idea. The ocean swaying back and forth. Beautiful. It is really like less than 6 weeks away now. That is going to fly by so quickly. So much so that I actually need to start thinking about all the stuff that I have to do before then. But man lying on that beach looks like heaven.

So get this, I brought my workout clothes with me to work to change into later and then after work I am actually heading to the gym to meet my mom there. I want to see what the gym looks like in the evening. Yes, I know the machines will look the same but I want to see how busy it is and how I feel in an evening after work. If you can’t tell I’m thinking about joining but we will see. I just want to see how I feel about it not on a Saturday morning. I really am looking for alternatives to keep me interested and going once I “hit” my goal. I have to have new goals.

Speaking of new goals I am REALLY good at keeping my goals when I actually set them. I can accomplish anything I put my mind to so I can say with certainty that next April/May I am going to have my plastic surgery because I have decided that. This is definitely going to keep me accountable and going for the next year. My goal is to get into as good of shape as possible in the next year and just maintain it for a whole year then I get my plastic surgery. I have decided this IS going to happen therefore I just know that it will. That is how I work. I have a crazy brain like that.

My new rugs arrive today and I am pretty happy about that. That will be my treat after the gym, to come home and put out my new beautiful rugs. Super thrilled. Look at this grown up here with fancy Pottery Barn rugs! It’s the little things in life sometimes.

So being Tuesday and all that means I have the rest of today and tomorrow and then it is the moment of truth on the scale. Basically I have a day and half left for my 2.2 pound goal this week. Normally I don’t put that kind of pressure on myself. In fact the entire 6 ½ months I’ve been at this this is the very first time I’ve ever set a weekly goal. It’s just that 145 is so freaking close I can taste it. I pray that I will get it. I am definitely more conscious of it than I’ve ever been but I’m still not letting it throw me off too much. Last night I pretty desperately wanted to get on that scale but I refrained. I told myself that in the end it was not worth it and I could not do that to myself. Besides if for some reason it was 145 I want to save that happy moment for my official weigh-in. I don’t want to rob myself of that moment.

I am thrilled to be so close to 145 but more than anything I think it’s the thrill of accomplishing my goal. Yup, seriously a goal driven girl here. I think it’s the reality that I set a goal 6 ½ months ago to lose 75 pounds and *potentially* Thursday I will accomplish the goal. 75 pounds is a lot of weight. Never again. I will never have to lose 75 pounds again because once I actually get my plastic surgery I can’t gain the weight back. I will not waste thousands and thousands of dollars on surgery to eat it back. I am too thrifty for that.

Plus have I mentioned how happy I am? I am so much happier today at almost 34 years old than I’ve ever been at any point in my entire life. I seem to get better with age. I seriously feel like I’m in my prime right now. I feel at the verge of where I have just enough maturity and wisdom to understand myself and enough means to fully realize my dreams. In my twenties I had an understanding of what I wanted but neither the mental capacity or the financial means in some cases to execute it. Today I am happy with my life. My weight was one of the last big battles I have to tackle. It won’t ever go away and I will tackle it my whole life but in terms of my happiness level at the moment it was the thing that was holding me back in 2012. I was happy with the other aspects of my life just not me.

Today I am more happy with me than anything else. Proud of myself finally. Proud of my fitness and overall health. I want to be one of those before and after success stories. I want it all. I want to be that fit girl that people walk into a gym and say I want to be like her! I’m just putting it out there into the universe. I feel like sometimes you have to ask the universe for what you want. Like asking for 2.2 pounds this week. You have to put it out there in order to hopefully get it back. I have been on track all week so I don’t really see a reason why I shouldn’t get it back from the universe.

Oh, my kiddos are coming to visit this weekend. My niece and nephew. Okay so my two sisters are coming too but I get to see my babies and I’m so thrilled. Actually they are not babies at all anymore. Kayden is 8 and Ethan just turned 5. They are little people now, but they will be here Saturday and we will celebrate the aforementioned turning 5 birthday. I haven’t seen them since Kaydens birthday in January… far too long.

I think I might take a little afternoon break and go for a short little walk outside in the sun. I mean, there’s sun!!! Yeah.

The Gym

I swear to you I was formulating this post in my head all weekend. Time and time again I would literally think phrases in my mind intended for the written page. When you start blogging with any consistency it’s hard for your entire life to not be narrated in blog form. Does this happen to anyone else? I literally find myself blogging about an incident in my head while it is happening… Side effect I suppose of over sharing?

Basically the reason for so much thought formulation was this; my workout at the gym with my mom on Saturday morning was AMAZE-BALLS… (Have you ever heard that expression? Not sure where I got it but I use it often in real life). Anyway, my gym workout was so incredibly exhilarating that I honestly would consider joining after that. Not only was my workout top notch but I found my mood and attitude and self-worth so much improved after the session that it almost bears repeating on a consistent level. Let me elaborate.

The last time I went to the gym with my mom was a while ago. I could probably scan back and find the date… hmm… Yup, it was Saturday February 23 so many weeks and many pounds ago. In fact I was 167.8 on the Thursday before so yeah, 20 pounds ago. The reason that has any bearing at all is that I remember vividly that even at this last gym appointment I felt slightly out of place. I felt like I wasn’t measuring up in my own mind of course. I also remember feeling too large to work out in public. Whatever. The main reason that is even relevant is that I felt so damned good on Saturday morning that high was almost enough to take me thru my entire weekend!

First I must say that I went to the gym feeling great about myself already, rocking some adorable Victoria Secret workout pants black leggings with a fold over top of dots… super cute. Plus I just felt smaller. Some days it’s happening for you. I took Friday off from exercise so my body was probably ready to go on Saturday. Well, honestly first thing my body was not ready to go. I was like holy shit, how can people work out in the morning. And it wasn’t even “that” early really. We rolled into the gym parking lot at 9:20 AM and I looked over at my mom and was like, really, you want me to exercise now. I was barley awake. NOT a morning person.

Anyhow, we got into the gym and for warm up I hit the treadmill for a 20 minute run. I knew it was only going to be about 20 minutes or so so I decided to go balls to the wall and run. Actually as I turned the machine on I felt amazing so I kept increasing the speed. Of course at home I just watch the Biggest Loser but at the gym I was greeted to the sights and sounds of fitness all around me and of course I put on my music and my true obsessive compulsive self hit repeat on Christina Agularia’s Fighter song. Okay, I HATE Christina Agularia as a person but damned if she didn’t make the single best running song ever. Seriously, I literally run faster when certain phrases come on. It just pushes me. Anyway, I felt so completely in my element that I ran faster than I ever have. After 30 minutes I had completed 4.5 miles. I felt so alive. We then did some weight machines and then some more free weights, medicine balls, etc. The whole time I actually felt like I fit in. Like I belonged there. I could keep up, I was a fit girl!

Since I spent my entire time running isolated on my treadmill at home I have no point of comparison. I feel like a runner. I feel like most people don’t run for an hour a day without stopping. And I mean actually run. But sometimes my perspective gets jaded. Since I am not in a gym setting to see how the other half lives I have no idea. This is where my fear and phobias creep in. My feeling of perhaps I am kidding myself and I can’t really do the things I think I can because it’s that whole if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it really make a noise kind of thing. If I run by myself and no one is around is it all really real?

I observed a few things while in that gym that made me think perhaps I can really run. While on the treadmill, while I ran and ran I saw people go up the stairs to the treadmills to run and come back down while I ran. I saw people get on treadmills next to me and come and go and I RAN. I saw a buff looking guy get on a treadmill next to me and run. Now I have to tell you, I had assumed that he wouldn’t be running for distance as it is my observation that most muscle builders get on a treadmill and go like balls out sprinting for like 5 minutes and then quit. They just want to run as fast as they can for a 5 minute stretch. They are body builders after all. So this guy walks up and gets on the treadmill next to me and I assume this is what he is going to do. I keep my pace and I am running, but I never really know what I look like running. If by someone else’s standard I look like I am actually running or just enjoying a leisurely little jog. I never can tell.

Anyhow this guy is running for sure. I am thinking to myself though, boy, he doesn’t really look like he’s running all that fast and then my brain goes to BUT I bet he’s running way faster than you. You probably don’t look like you are running at all. I wasn’t judging the guy by any means; I just am trying to get a gauge on myself. So I finally force myself to look over at his speed and my jaw just about dropped when I saw he was running at a 4.5 and I went, Oh, he doesn’t look like he’s running as fast as you because he’s not. At that moment I looked over at my machine and I was consistently going at 6.3 miles an hour. No judgment from me, just a nice reality check for my brain.

Anyway, I also did the stair climber and I have to say I LOVED the stair climber. It was hard work don’t get me wrong. I was on there for 15 minutes and the last 4-5 minutes every step I took I was dropping beads of sweat from my forehead onto the steps. I was literally Biggest Loser sweating my ass off. I really enjoyed it. Funny how much I enjoy sweating.

I ended our time in the gym with what mom calls the cardio cool down. She does the elliptical while I headed back for another 15 on the treadmill, but in reality this turned into another 30 because I was feeling so damned good. So yeah, I did another 30, another 4.5 miles and ended up from simply the treadmill burning over 1000 calories which does NOT take into account my 15 minutes of stair climber or any of the other activities that made me sweat in the over 2 hours we were at the gym. Over all one of the best workouts I’ve had because it made me feel so alive and happy. There is something really to be said about feeling like you fit in or belong somewhere. Like this world is a place I want to be. And maybe, just maybe, I can keep up just a little with something.

I think it helps to keep my focused to be around other people who want to be healthy as well. I think I’d run just a little bit harder anytime I saw someone else trying or getting off the machine. It pushed me in a way I just don’t get at home. So I definitely I want to go back with mom again soon and see if I have the same “high” experience again.

Saturday afternoon I got my massage and a facial and my nails done but by far and away the highlight of my whole weekend was going to the gym. How crazy is that? Yup, I am a fitness girl at my core. My massage was nice. It was actually a guy which was interesting to have another man touch me. It wasn’t creepy or anything but just different. He was definitely better than the last massage person but I can’t tell if that was entirely because he was just stronger as a man or if because at the beginning I said I wanted full pressure and wanted “deep tissue”. Either way it was nice. The facial was good too. VERY relaxing. I almost relax more during a facial than I do a massage. Don’t know if that’s normal or not. Afterwards I definitely felt very sleepy and thirsty. Two hours of lying there in tranquility being touched and I needed WATER.

Yesterday I spent my day couponing and hanging out with my mom and sister. I purposely took the day off from exercise as I wanted to hit it up again tonight and tomorrow and Wednesday night before my Thursday weigh-in. 2.2 pounds people. That is what I am looking for this week. 2.2.

I did get my new Old Navy size 6 jeans in the mail on Saturday and am wearing a pair of them today. Yeah… I actually didn’t think I’d ever get into the size 6’s so that is a nice surprise for me. I have to admit that last night as I could not sleep and my insomnia was kicking in that I spent some time on my ipad looking up plastic surgeons. I am committed to waiting a year to have any work done, I want to see where my body ultimately maintains at, but it was encouraging to see some of the before/after shots and to get a more realistic idea of what I might be looking at in terms of cost. Let me say that for what I want to do we could buy a car but some things are worth the money. I can wrap my head around the money in time, but a loan is definitely going to be in order. I have no student loans, never did, instead I will have boob/body loans. But then maybe for the first time in my life I might know what it’s like to feel good and confident in your body. Those are discussions for another day. Clearly I am not against plastic surgery. There is a time and place for everything. For this next year I am going to be very happy with my size 6 jeans and my ability run my heart out.

Oh and as I was having this pretty much identical discussion with my mom yesterday about the gym and my inability to accurately see myself she told me that while she’s no expert that I looked like I was running, really running and she didn’t see anyone running as hard as me. I’ll take it. On that single day I killed it. Doesn’t mean there won’t be many people who come before or after me that would kick my ass but on Saturday morning in that moment I killed it for me and that is what is most important for sure.

Today is good. This weekend was good. I am eagerly awaiting Thursday morning. I sure hope I get my 2.2 because it’d be a real bummer not too. I mean, If I don’t it won’t be the end of the world, but man it sure would be nice. I am so close I can taste it.

The cost of growing up

Friday afternoon is upon us. I am actually very happy about this. I have been running work errands all morning which is okay I guess. It makes the day go by quicker. BUT… the weather is crappy which sucks. I hate gray skies. Will this ever end?

Today I am completely exhausted. I didn’t sleep well last night and I am physically drained. I guess that is what four intense days of exercise will do for you. I am so happy tonight is my day off. I can’t stand the thought of having to exercise right now so I guess it’s a very good thing I don’t have to. Rest. I want rest. I indulged at lunch and got avocado on my turkey subway sandwich. I know, I’m such a risk taker and all. But I feel very satisfied even right now so I think it was a good choice. As I sit here at my desk my legs are slightly achy which is again 4 awesome days of running in a row. Today is definitely rest and tomorrow is my day of me. I was more excited about it two days ago when I booked it but I think that’s just because I am tired right now. I am hoping with adequate sleep tonight all will be well.

Tomorrow I’m going to the gym in the morning with my mom, around 9 I think. My guess is we will be there between 9 and 11. Then I will probably try and grab some lunch to go, either a sandwich or Panera bread. Come home and shower around noon perhaps and then get ready for my 1:30 massage appointment to be followed by an hour facial. Probably over around 4 PM, then I get to come home and hang out for a little bit and regroup before my 5 PM nail appointment. Yup, such is my life. Actually a massage sounds pretty damned wonderful just about now. Hence the tired achy muscles.

I don’t really know what I’m going to do at the gym tomorrow morning. Mom likes to start with 15-20 minutes of cardio so for me that is a run. Then we move on to weights and machines. She likes to show me the new moves her trainer is having her do. It’s cool… I kind of go along for the ride either way. I don’t think it’s going to be an entirely killer workout but something different is always nice. Plus a 20 minute run shouldn’t kill my legs which clearly are in need of a rest.

Aside from being tired and achy and therefore a little irritable I am actually in a pretty good mood otherwise. I am feeling like I look fabulous today. I totally did my hair, using the flat iron and I love it. I am actually thinking about going to Ulta and buying a chi flat iron and hair dryer. The other night blow drying my hair I knew something was wrong with my dryer as it was not really blowing that hard. I pushed on and and on and was sitting there forever getting nowhere. I went in search of my old crappy dryer and plugged it in. The power was way better thus leaving me realizing that it had in fact died on me. I am now in need of a new high powered hair dryer.

This is what I have determined about myself as of late. The older I get the more picky or high end I get. I think you spend a lot of your twenties just collecting everything you need in life to run a household and function. Most of the time I found myself settling for furniture or things because it would work and I could live with it. As time has passed and as life goes on when something dies or I want to replace something I am willing to spend good money to get what I want and what is perfect. It’s not so awful when you do it piece by piece.

Case in point, my living room rugs. I bought these two matching rugs like I swear 10 years ago from Big Lots. They were $99 each. In the last 10 years my dog has done unmentionables on them and they have been beaten and battered as one would expect. Not to mention it always bothered me that they were not actually square. I mean, that’s what you get with cheap shit.

Anyway, after the garage sale I told myself I was going to splurge and buy two new rugs that I loved that were nice. I have been searching for a while for the perfect rugs. I did find them. Pottery Barn. When I say that you probably know they were not cheap. 2 5x8 wool rugs in a light gray zebra print. I am an animal print kind of whore. Love all animal prints. Anyhow. I purchased them yesterday or the day before I can’t remember and they are estimated to be here next Tuesday at which point I will take photos to share. I am super excited. I’ve lived like 10 years with crap rugs and now I get beautiful adult rugs I can be proud of. These are good quality. I know because it’s possible I recently bought a 3x5 version of the same rug for my spare bedroom so I already know what it looks like.

Anyway, that was a tangent. Back to the hair dryer. Instead of buying a stupid $40 dryer, I want to spend like $100 on a nice chi hair dryer. And I thought I might as well throw on a straightener well I was at it. Hopefully I don’t have to replace them for a long time. I am a high-maintenance bitch really. I think I can afford to be because of my lack of children. Sometimes that makes me sad that I don’t have kids. I don’t think I actually envisioned being an adult without a child but here I am. Sure I could have a child but when I run thru the pros and cons it just doesn’t pencil out for me. Some days I may get that pain in my heart for offspring but mostly I am happy with the life I’ve created and simply indulge in spoiling my niece and nephew instead. I am certain they don’t mind. No child can ever have too much love.

I am still committing myself to 10 wall push ups and 10 sit ups every day. So far I’m doing pretty damned good with it and I can feel it in my stomach area and I love that. It’s Friday so normally I would be heading out to dinner tonight but I talked to my husband a few hours ago and he isn’t feeling well. He says he’s sick sitting on the couch feeling crappy so I’m guessing dinner is not going to be in the cards for tonight for me. It’s really okay with me too. I’m pretty tired and might fall asleep at 9 myself anyway. Another side effect of getting old I guess.

Milestone Bound

So guess who decided to make a reemergence in the office… yup, my boss. Two days this week is more than I’ve seen him in the office in the last two months. Like I said two days ago, thankfully he is a cool guy who outside of work I would totally be friends with. He is younger than me. The older brother, my other boss is like a couple months older than me, but pretty much my age. I REALLY like both my bosses and their wives. Definitely the kind of people I would hang out with. After almost 5 years I actually know them all pretty well and have a great rapport with them.

Regardless, he cramps my lazy-fair work attitude though so that slightly sucks. Here’s the thing I have always said about my job at least in real life to my family. It is so easy. It is not hard or challenging or really that much work. I don’t get paid a lot, which is the trade off, but I REALLY like it. I like it because I love my bosses. I like it because 95% of the time I am completely 100% alone in the office which is again very nice and of course because my job is based on running around town to do errands which means I have complete freedom in my workday. I can run any errands that I need to with pretty much ease. It is perfect. Well, perfect for a coupon girl. Perfect for someone who doesn’t really want to work that hard but still get paid some sort of a salary. I make more than minimum wage so I can’t really complain. Most days I love my job as a whole and that is worth a lot. I have had a job or two that I hated and let me tell you loving your job is worth making less money.

Anyway, it is Thursday already. Hell yeah, it’s Thursday!!! I am very excited about this reality because Thursday is the start of my new week and I am thrilled about that. I weighed myself this morning not at all sure what I was going to see. My weekend was not great but given my history it’s not as if I actually thought I didn’t lose anything. I mean the last three days I killed it with healthy days and healthy evenings of running. So this morning I weighed 147.2 pounds. I lost 1.9 pounds officially this week which puts me at 72.8 pounds total lost. That is pretty awesome overall. It also means that I am 2.2 pounds away from my 145 goal. So, you are reading it here first, 2.2 is the number I have in my sights this week. Anytime I want something bad I am going to repeat 2.2 in my head. I think it’s completely do-able for this week and I am going to work damned hard to see a 2.2 pound loss this week. I mean, come on, 2.2 pounds away from losing 75 pounds. That is a milestone.

I am not ready to quit losing weight. I am definitely going to shoot for my real official 140 weight watchers goal. To be honest 140 is the TOP end of my weight watchers chart weight but I am not really splitting hairs about these numbers honestly because anything in the 140’s is happiness to me. Seriously. Anything in the 140’s is amazing coming from weighing 220 pounds like 6 ½ months ago. If I told that girl in October she would be in the 140’s in April she would have been so happy. (Secretly I think I did tell that girl I could be in the 140’s in April… since I can do the math).

The biggest thing I have to say is learn to trust yourself. Trust in this whole process. I am trying to learn to have more trust in myself I guess. Yes, this weekend I ate out Friday night; I ate out Saturday, I ate out Saturday night; I ate out Sunday. I had Mexican food and a margarita. I had alcohol and too much of too many foods but overall that did not negate all the other work I put in the other 5 days last week. Trust the process. Trust that our bodies don’t mind a day or two of high calories to keep the engine burning. I am one of little faith most of the time as illustrated by my constant fretting over things. I am trying to just have faith in myself and my body and in the overall lessons I have learned.

Anyhow, today is a new day. I have eaten 13 of my allotted 26 points for the day. I will have an afternoon snack and then the rest will be for dinner. My husband is off work today so he will be home. I plan on running tonight so as to take tomorrow night off. We will go out for dinner tomorrow night somewhere and then Saturday I have all those big plans. Lots of me time and the gym first thing with my mom. Gym then massage and facial and nail fill. Sounds like a wonderful heavenly day. Sounds like I will be able to stay on track this weekend which is VERY good for me. I have an important milestone upon me and I am just going to keep saying 2.2. I can handle 2.2…. We are almost there.

VS Happiness

I am feeling very happy today and thus have decided to purchase this dress from Victoria Secret…



Have I ever mentioned that like 75% of my wardrobe come from Victoria Secret? I think I have some fucked up image of what I want to look like based on Victoria Secret models for sure but I really do love all their clothes and don’t even get me started on their amazing bras. In lieu of actually having a boob job Victoria Secret is the next best thing for actually getting these babies to look decent. I don’t buy pants from them for some reason but other than that all my workout clothes, my shirts, my skirts and dresses and of course I will ONLY wear V.S. bras and underwear. Love them. I am a total snob I know.

Anyhow, I purchased this amazing fit and flare dress today in white to wear on the beach in Maui. Yup, on June 6 my two year wedding anniversary I will be sporting this dress on the beach where we got married and have a photo taken. I only hope I actually love it when I get it but I should. It’s a very flattering style for my body. I just hope I ordered the right size also. I’m way excited about this. I also picked up a new amazing looking bra. Addict much! I really just wanted a killer white dress for Maui so now mission accomplished.

Also I should note that in feeling great today I keep feeling my stomach and thinking that it is feeling smaller. I have made a pact with myself to do at least 10 wall push ups and 10 sit ups every day at work in April. (Every day I work that is) I love wall push ups… and of course those sit ups are killer but I can tell my abs are working and I love it. Okay there looks like there might be some sun outside temporarily I am sure, so I want to go enjoy it for a few minutes. Just wanted to share about my gorgeous dress.

Afraid of history

My boss is not in the office today which is happiness for me because basically I can focus some time and energy on writing the blog post I’ve been thinking about for a couple days. It’s nothing fancy or anything but just stuff floating around in my mind since the weekend. So brace yourselves my friends, it’s going to be a long one.

I start today’s rant by saying that I am proud of myself. I realized sometime Sunday night that while my weekend was less than perfect that I survived the garage sale chaos which was like 3 solid weekends and 2 solid weeks of hell (rewarding hell which is why I continue to put myself thru it) but mental hell nonetheless. What I am most proud of is not necessarily my weekend but the reality that Monday I was right back at it and have finished up 2 wonderful days of completely healthy endeavors.

I realized that two years ago, before I went to Maui for my wedding we did an April garage sale as well. This proved to be my nail in the coffin of healthy living. You see, According to my charts I weighed 156.7 pounds on March 8, 2011. I guess I didn’t weigh myself again after that but on March 22, 2011 I signed up for a little small group session gym called fit studios. Yeah, I paid them way too much money to do 30 minute workout sessions in small groups. Anyhow, I went to about 5 different sessions. Then My April 7, 2011 garage sale hit. It put me over the top. I ate like crap. I specifically remember sitting outside at the garage sale eating crappy saying I guess I’m not going to go back to my fit studio sessions. I am sure I was already on max stress level with the wedding and then the garage sale. But the last time I gave a thought to my weight and eating was before my garage sale. After April 7, 2011 I no longer even attempted health.

Ultimately the garage sale was the catalyst for my giving up. I have to say that I was worried that I might not fare as well this time around. Yes, in my heart, I am not at a place of giving up but you always worry about repeating past mistakes. Today I am proud that this garage sale, 2 years later did NOT break me. I still have the fire and passion. It is less than it was months ago but it still is burning inside me. There is no doubt in my mind that I am going to be able to push thru these last 13 days of April and into the month of May to return to Maui June 1 totally and completely healthy. Progress, despite less than perfect situations.

Last Friday I wrote about addictions and a friend of mine pointed out a truth I knew but kind of forgot. Ultimately I really am addicted to losing weight. I actually have known this for years and it is terrifying. It is terrifying because I claim that I am great at losing weight, not good at keeping it off. This is true, but what I’m most afraid of is the reality that I’m addicted to the high of losing weight. I’m addicted to the feeling I get while losing weight. Once I get to where I want to be and can’t lose any more weight I lose interest. I crave the feeling of excelling at losing weight and eventually the weight creeps back on. I am an addict. I have a true addictive personality. While I would love nothing more than to be able to maintain this weight the rest of my life at some point my crazy brain goes into over drive and I start to crave the affirmation of weight loss and my brain takes care of the rest in terms of allowing it to happen. I am terrified of repeating past mistakes. Notice a theme to today’s post? Repeating past mistakes….

I know I am a dedicated focused person. Time and time again I drop the weight with an ease that seems to shock even me. Perhaps if it was harder I wouldn’t be so addicted to the process. I would struggle more with it and perhaps think twice about gaining it back. I am not wishing it harder on myself as it already is a long hard process but I am worried. I am so bound and determined to never go back there this time but I also accept that I have to find ways to prevent that from being so. I need to find a substitute for the high I get from weight loss.

Running helps. I always give up running at some point but it does provide the high that I crave but unto itself it isn’t really enough. It truly is the whole setting a goal and working towards achieving it. I have a graph and chart addiction that’s been around for as long as I can remember. I like to make progress no matter what it is towards. I need to find something else to focus my efforts on in the health related word. I SHOULD try organized running of some sort. But basically I am scared shitless. I only run on my treadmill and it’s such a fun happy thing for me that I’m afraid to take it out into the “real world” where it puts pressure and competition on it. I don’t want to compete with it because I don’t want to fail at it but mostly I don’t want to turn it into something that makes me unhappy instead of being my savior. Does that make sense?

I have an addictive personality. I have a competitive personality which is why I try never to compete. I don’t want to do something unless I can “win” at it. I don’t mean win the race kind of thing; I mean win by my insanely outrageous standards. Whatever I deem winning at the time for the given application. Somehow I want to keep running pure and free of all that for me. I don’t know. I could run some 5k’s I guess since I know that wouldn’t be difficult for me at all.

I see posts on Facebook from casual acquaintances or people I went to high school with and they mention running 5k’s, and training to run a 5k and being all like… oh I just ran a 5K and talking about being exhausted or whatever. I am going to admit something that makes me sound like a total bitch here okay, so please keep in mind that this is my little page on the World Wide Web to let pseudo-anonymously let out the thoughts in my head that are not appropriate for the real world. Anyhow, with that fair warning I say; when I read those comments I’m kind of like, so the fuck what… who cares… get over it… I run more than 5K with ease every damned day practically. Okay, off my rant. I really don’t mean that. Obviously for most people running a 5K would be a great deal and I get that and am supportive of that. I think what I am doing is comparing them to me and that is not fair. It’s not fair because most people are not crazy like me.

I am afraid now that I just sounded like a horrible bitch and I am so not. Honestly in real life I am meak and timid practically and one of the nicest people you will meet. I don’t stand up for myself even when I should. Take yesterday for example. I am waiting in a stupid long line at the bank to make a work deposit. I walk into the bank, see the line and get in the back of it. A lady walks by, right in front of me and say’s something like I was there, and walks by completely going over to the other side of the bank. I pay no attention to her but as I am waiting in line eventually she returns and literally walks right in front of me and gets in line ahead of me. Clearly she thinks because she was in the bank before me but not in line she deserves to be ahead of me. It pissed me off but I didn’t say a word. It’s just not the kind of person I am. I let a horrible bitch cut in front of me but I just can’t cause drama. My sister would never let that fly. I respect her for that.

Anyway, back to the 5K thing. I really am a nice person and acknowledge the accomplishment of running a 5K for most people. But mostly because we all try to make things relevant to our own lives I ultimately always bring it back to me and wonder… hmm… is it hard to run a 5K? I think I take it for granted how much I run. I think I am the one who is off. I truly do. I have no perspective at all. I am always trying to better myself which is good but take last night for example. I had what I finally would call a great run. Since starting down the whole garage sale path I haven’t had a “good” run in a while. Last night I got on it, bumped up my speed by a tenth and ran and felt it. I just felt great and I ran and ran, I ran for 85 minutes and did 10 miles. I was tired at the end. I wanted to quit. But I felt amazing. I always sell myself short I suppose. Like running on a treadmill doesn’t count. I know it’s much easier than an outside run. So somehow in my brain I feel like running a 5K would be hard for me because I only run treadmills.

I think secretly I am jealous of all the people who run 5K’s because they have the courage that I do not possess. I think that is what it probably boils down to my fucked up so what attitude stems from jealousy. I am afraid and therefore choose to have a bitchy attitude instead. But I do wonder why I won’t even try sometimes… I am certain that no matter what the circumstances even on a horrible day I could run 3.1 miles. Maybe it wouldn’t be killer fast, but I could run 3.1 miles. I could run it right now if you wanted me to. Like this minute if I had my shoes of course. But I don’t need to train. I guess I’ve been training for months. I am not trying to gloat or brag and I certainly am not ever trying to make anyone feel bad I’m just trying to figure out what blocks me from attempting to even try.

I told you today was going to be an extra-long post as I have so much running thru my brain. Ha Ha, pun intentioned on the running bit. Anyhow, back to the whole concept of being addicted to losing weight. I am in search of that high that will keep me healthy and active and provide chart accountability and tracking. I need to be able to set goals and achieve them. I work best with results driven kind of behaviors. I need tangibles. Another thought is actually joining a gym and a personal trainer so that I can start tracking the intangibles for me such as body fat percentages or rather muscle percentages. I have zero concept of how much muscle I have on my body. My mom and sister have trainers and they do their monthly check in’s and are told how many pounds of muscle they gained and I am super jealous.

Perhaps if I had a trainer who pushed me I might stay motivated? I don’t know I’m stretching here. I know that having things like vacations and concerts help to keep me in check. And of course the “goal” of maintaining my weight so that I can get my boob job is really motivating. But there does have to be something more. I will keep pondering this as my goal gets closer in sight.

I have 4 pounds to go until my 145 goal. Really my goal is 140 so that is 9 pounds. I won’t “stop” after that but I am certain that on my own my body will find its place where it wants to be. I am going to let it find its set point all by itself. I have learned to avoid the scale and let me body just do its thing. That is the thing I am most proud of on this like take 20 at losing weight. Okay maybe it’s not the 20th time but sometimes it feels like it. It is definitely too many times thus my determination to never go back there again. For real this time. At least I’m actually open to discussing the reasons why I gain the weight and accept my past failures. I’m afraid of my past because I’m afraid of repeating it AGAIN. I suppose as I get closer to goal it’s only natural that these feelings would start to emerge. I’ve failed so many times that it’s easy to see why my brain would go there.

I will not let that fear get the best of me because if I fear too much I am letting it win and I won’t do that. I can do this this time. I actually in my heart believe that I will be able to succeed this time. I feel like I’m already acknowledging and accepting what I need more than I’ve ever done in the past. I will work to find new challenges for myself to keep me in check. I will continue to use this board as a place to check in, as my disappearance from this world is always indication of failure for me.

On another note, I got my size 8 Old Navy jeans the other day and while they do fit, there is still some slight falling down issues. Not really falling down but I want my jeans tight so that I don’t have to constantly yank them up. Basically as I feared I waited too long to retire the size 10’s and probably needed size 6’s. So I went ahead and ordered three pairs of size 6’s now. They should be here next Monday actually. Basically what this means is that since October 2012 I have bought the same style of jeans from Old Navy in EVERY single stupid size from 18 to 6. I guess that means I’ve gone from an 18 to a 6 which is pretty amazing. Not smart on the pocket book but not a bad problem to have overall.

I did take some of my garage sale earnings and splurged on a few things for myself. I bought a new bottle of perfume, some coach sunglasses, a few more makeup items and some house stuff I wanted. I bought a capiz lamp for my makeup table from west elm. I’ve been eyeballing it for years but didn’t want to spend the money. I was totally like fuck it and went for it. I picked up a new rug too to go with it. This is all in the spare bedroom where I have my makeup table and do my hair/makeup every morning. My bathroom is entirely too small to do it in there. I like to spread out! Anyhow, I got a few other knick knacks for the house from pottery barn and west elm. They should start arriving later this week and I will be a happy girl. For now anyway.

Um… Maui is like a month and a half away… Less than a month and a half actually. I am so stupidly thrilled. I woke up this morning and rolled over and looked at Chris and said, I need a vacation! I am in desperate need of some time off from everything. I didn’t want to go to work today for sure but here I am. I just want to go sit on a tropical beach and relax. Soon… and I couldn’t be happier.

So I just planned and booked my Saturday. Are you ready for this… yeah me… I have a 1:30 1 hour deep tissue massage and a 2:45 PM 1 hour facial at the same salon and then I have a 5:00 PM Nail fill appointment at another place. How exciting is that! I am thinking the day will look like, get up go to the gym with mom at like 9 AM, spend like 2 hours there. I won’t be working out that hard the whole time and then come home and probably shower so that I am nice and clean and fresh for my massage and probably not do makeup since I am getting a facial. How exciting is that. Exactly what I needed. A day of pampering for me. Been far too long. That just sounds off the charts amazing to me. Workout in the morning, healthy lunch somewhere, then pampering in the afternoon. Perfection! I did specify deep tissue massage this time as I really want it to be harder than last time. This is a different place so I will just tell them off the bat I want it hard :)

Okay so I think that’s about it for now. I mean, this is probably one of the longest posts I’ve ever done so it’s not like I didn’t say too much already. You never know I might be back later with more as I swear I have a million thoughts floating around.

Just a drive-by

I really have a lot to talk about and want to post but I have been super busy the past couple days and then today one of my bosses decided that he wanted to spend the day in the office working which really limits my ability to do other things. Fortunately he is super nice and I don’t mind having him here, I’m just not used to it. Anyhow it does completely limit my plans for the day.

My weekend was less than stellar. I know I’m not judging in terms of good or bad but I will say this Sunday I just ate whatever I wanted and too much of it and come Sunday night I felt physically sick. Yup, I felt so horrible. It is amazing what food can do to you/for your body. It’s been a while since I gave it so much of the things it didn’t like that it countered with a very sick feeling. I ended the evening with 2 glasses of wine. Again, another less than stellar choice for me because I don’t drink to much and it gave me a terrible headache and contributed to the sick feeling. Anyway, later in the evening/early morning hours I threw up once. Nothing drastic but it was my body saying don’t eat this shit.

I vowed Monday to treat my body with healthy foods and I did. Especially since I was walking around feeling completely bloated all day. I seriously felt my stomach pooching out. Yuck. I think I detoxed pretty well yesterday though. Had some healthy fruits and veggies. Drank water. Today my body feels amazingly better. I am reminded of why healthy is generally all around a better choice for me. Food is either nutrition or poison. It is very clear to me after my weekend reminder.

I’m glad the garage sale is done. Completely, 100% finish until August. I have a clean house back and I am thrilled for that. I ran last Friday night, yeah! Saturday and Sunday were awful food choices and no exercise. Ah well. Yesterday was healthy healthy healthy and a good run. Today is perfectly on track and will include a great run tonight as well. I am declaring it to be great already because I say so. Tomorrow I will stay on the healthy track and finish it with a run tomorrow and then we shall see what Thursday’s scale brings me.

I find that when I am happy and comfortable I ease up a little on the healthy nazi in me. This is both good and bad all at the same time. It’s fine as long as I can pull it back together during the week to be the healthy woman I have come to love so much. I’ve got thoughts swirling around in my head and I really do want to talk about them, but alas, I need to keep it short and sweet. Maybe tomorrow my boss will find something else to do and leave me to myself to formulate long insightful posts. Ha.

Regardless, I am alive, I am still at it and all is cool in my world.

Goals and Addiction

Woo Hoo, it’s officially Friday. I can honestly say that this week has pretty much flown by for me. I really appreciated my evenings to myself again. Last night I came home and I got to run again which felt really nice. I actually need the high from exercise for things to feel good in my world. I get mentally so out of whack without those extra endorphins pumping thru my brain. I guess I can turn into a major bitch I suppose which is the crazy I was experiencing last Friday. I am in a much better mental state today. Happy even. Yes, tomorrow I have one more day of garage sale but I am not worried about it all. It is not the crazy of last weekend and I relish the opportunity to sell a few more things and make a little more money. I mean, I like money :)

One more day and then I pack it all up and can officially be done with this garage sale. We do another garage sale in August, but that is months away. 2 a year. I will be happy on Saturday evening when it’s all over and cleaned up. But honestly, it’s like only 26 or so hours away from completion so I’ll take it.

I was reading some blogs today… I am always in search of new blogs to follow as I enjoy keeping up with real life people and one of the new blogs I was reading was talking about the concept of addiction. This is not a new concept and certainly something I am painfully aware of. Cleary any overweight person has an addiction of one sort or another. Perhaps it’s not always the obvious. Perhaps it isn’t even always an addiction to food… BUT… I do feel like there is an underlying addiction to something that keeps us miserable and repeating past mistakes. Maybe it is as simple as a food addiction. I do love food after all. But for me it was never truly an addiction to food itself, it was always more complex than that. I guess if I completely knew I’d be able to solve my own problems. I think about this concept a lot actually. Why do I let myself gain so much weight back? Am I addicted to misery? Am I addicted to punishing myself physically when things in my mental world go out of whack? I think this is probably closer to the truth for me.

I have an addictive personality. Plain and simple. Period. I lovingly call it obsessive compulsive and joke around but at its heart is a real truth. There is a crazy streak in me that not only allows me to be so successful at weight loss, but keeps me the crazy coupon lady, or keeps me 100% balls to the wall with anything I do. My family has also been known to call it passion from time to time as well. I am very passionate about everything I set my mind to. I love this trait about me at times because it does allow me to accomplish anything I really decide to do. However, it has its drawbacks as well. Like for instance in ignoring issues when they come up or really anything having to do with the maintenance of my weight loss. Or shopping. I am slightly addicted to shopping. It’s like some chemical portion of my brain is not satisfied until I own whatever it is I get my heart set on. Now mind you I am so much better now than I ever have been. At least I don’t shop beyond my means or what I can afford. That is a huge step for this girl. Even my first paragraph above shows signs of my addictive personality. Did I not just comment on how much I need and crave the exercise high??? I believe I am perhaps addicted to it!

All I know is I’m working hard to try and break the patterns of addiction that are destructive to me. I am working to put checks in place for myself to keep me healthy long term. Last night, after I ran, while I was in the shower I actually noticed how once again my boobs looked really really saggy and deflated. This always happens when I get close to goal weight. Anyhow, in the shower I reaffirmed my promise to myself that I WILL maintain my weight for a year and this time next year instead of a Maui trip, I will be taking a trip to a plastic surgeon for a lift and implants. I know it can happen as the obsessive addictive person in me does whatever I put my mind to. It gives me a goal, a broader picture to look at. I need to set positive goals for myself, things to keep me encouraged.

June 2013: Maui
September 2013: Maroon 5 concert
October 2013: Seattle for Pink!!!!
May 2014: Boob job

There, see my lofty goals laid out. But perhaps this will allow me to actually succeed whereas all previous attempts I have been goal-less or reward-less or didn’t have things to keep me going. Also I should point out that May 27, 2014 will be my 35th birthday so I guess I will give myself new boobs for my 35th birthday. I think that sounds like an AMAZING plan! So I guess that means in like 7 weeks I am going to be 34 years old. Hmm… my birthday doesn’t actually do that much for me anymore so I don’t think about it too much. But I do think it would be pretty cool to have my boob job the beginning of May so that on my 35th birthday I was a new me so to speak. This is the first time I am actually giving myself something concrete here.

I told Chris that I was getting a boob job in a year last night too. I mean, I told him before but I reminded him that I was serious again last night. That in a years time even if I have to finance it and make monthly payments for my boobs (which I probably will, as I am certain a lift and implants is going to be hella expensive!) that I didn’t care, I was getting them and I would make my monthly boob payment because it matters to me. My self-esteem and self-worth are worth a monthly payment. I have really honestly thrashed my poor boobs with so much weight gain and loss. I want to fix what I’ve broke.

Anyway I guess I really am all over the place on this post so I might as well make one more giant jump in conversation. I have been wavering back and forth on running tonight but I am going to commit right here and now so that I HAVE to hold myself accountable, that I am going to immediately go home and run. I am going to get on the treadmill for an hour so that I can go into my weekend feeling good. Chris wants to go out to dinner tonight so in order for me to let go and relax and enjoy myself a little I think I need a good run. There. I’ve committed it out loud so it must be so now. My new Old Navy jeans are “out for delivery” today according to my online tracking. Thank goodness. My size 10’s I’ve been wearing for far too long are really driving me crazy. I do NOT like pulling them up every single time I move… Looking forward to some better fitting pants.

With that, have an amazing weekend everyone and I shall return Monday a happier, clean-garaged woman…

A true shocker

I feel like a jackass. Seriously. And I’ll tell you why. I am always like, blah blah blah, I don’t know how I’m going to do on the scale. I had a “bad” weekend. And I truly did in comparison to some of my other weekends. But a friend pointed out and reminded me of something very important. Nothing is ever “bad” really. How can a choice you make really be bad? I made the choice. I could have not gone out to dinner multiple times over the weekend. I knew the consequences of my actions and I did it anyway. So yeah, nothing is really ever bad or good. Anyway, I realize this is setting myself up for you to think I didn’t do too great on the scale and that is completely the opposite of reality.

I feel like a jackass because I did AMAZING on the scale. I have no explanation for it. I have no rhyme or reason to it. If I had to quantify this week I would have said it was one of my worst weeks ever, but there I go again putting labels on things. It was certainly one of my most stressful weeks ever coupled with the reality of only getting in 3 workouts and eating out 4 times over the weekend and not necessarily eating healthy choices. Therefore what I saw on the scale baffled the shit out of me. So much so that I weighed myself 3 times just to make sure.

We all have learned that I am an obsessive scale kind of girl; therefore I don’t weigh myself during the week. I honestly had zero idea what the scale might say today. Thus my complete shock when I actually got on there this morning and saw 149.1. I did a double take. I thought my eyes were tricking me. I had to do a mental note of what my weight last week was. Yup, 153. So um I lost 3.9 pounds this week. That Can NOT be right. Hmm… I got off. Waited a few minutes moved the scale around. 149.1. Okay. So then I did this thing where I turn the scale back on and get it to read a different number by not putting my full body weight on it just so that it “registers” a new number less it is somehow remembering my 149.1 and not really weighing me again. I got it to register a new number and then after waiting a few minutes, put the scale back in place and got on it for real again. 149.1… Okay, I guess I’ll believe it. This is why I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. Period.

Anyhow. I have no idea how that happened. I guess all the running around of the past week physically took its toll in the way of losing weight. Perhaps last week I lost more that didn’t show on the scale. I don’t really know, nor do I guess really care. What I care about is that somehow the universe was ridiculously kind to me today and put me out of the 150’s and into the so close to goal land of the 140’s. I mean that is almost 149 pounds, which means for all practical purposes I have lost 71 pounds thus far. Holy shit. I will point out that this was the single highest percentage of weight loss I have accomplished in any week since doing this. It is not the most weight I have lost in a week, but as I weigh less the percentage of weight loss is higher.

Honestly you really can imagine my complete and utter shock this morning. There was not a world where I thought 3.9 pounds was even close to possible. Sorry for the excessive rambling. I was just blown away.

Now on to my night. Last night I did great. I ran, my mom stopped by. My husband worked late so after I ran I was left to my own devices. I ended up trying on a bunch of clothes. This is my old standby in times of complete alone-ness in my house. I love to be at my leisure to walk around in various states of nakedness and try on clothes worn at different points in my life and compare. I know comparison sucks but it’s actually thrilling when clothes you didn’t think would fit, not only fit but fit better than you ever remember them fitting. Yeah for that!

So I did get out my wedding dress that literally hangs in the bag in my spare bedroom. I love my dress so much but honestly I can’t really get into it without help. Thus the nature of wedding dresses I guess. The back is lace up so there’s really no way for me to lace myself up in it, but I did put it on and pulled it tight in the back with my hands and have to say that I truly do think that it might be too big now. I only say that because I think I can have the two sides of the lace up hooks touch which means that if actually laced up and pulled tight I am not sure I could get it tight enough to stay on my body. I adore my dress and it does really fit me better now than I do believe it did on my wedding day. I don’t know my wedding day weight but I am now certain it is more than now for sure.

I had lots of photos taken in a blue dress as well on my wedding day. I have that dress in my closet and put it on. It DEFINITELY fits me better now. In fact all the clothes I wore 2 years ago in Maui seem to be fitting better. I actually felt great about myself last night looking in the mirror and I didn’t even know that the scale was going to put me in the 140’s this morning. In all fairness I weigh myself naked so if I got on a scale right now it would be back in the 150’s… but if you are weighing yourself at home by yourself why wouldn’t you weigh yourself naked? I started out weighing naked so that originally 220 was my naked weight, so I truly have lost 71 pounds… But if I went anywhere in public and was weighed (who would want to do that by the way?) it would not put me in the 140’s…. Oh well though I know that is my naked weight and that’s all that matters for now.

I do love me some Thursday’s. Basically because today is Day 1 for me of my “next” week. I usually use this day to say I am going to kill it this week or hope for awesome results. I am going to be on it this week which is all true. I felt so chaotic last week and like my healthy living endeavors were definitely on the backburner, but given the crazy good weigh-in it’s hard to think this week could possibly be any better. It won’t. In fact I could give it my all this week and come out barely losing next week. That would be fine as well. It is very nice to know that I can live my life and have a crazy week and only exercise three times and my body is still going to do what it is going to do. I guess my body truly does want to be smaller.

Since I didn’t really try last week and I want this to just be my life I don’t think I am going to do too much different. Period. There isn’t too much I can really do different. While today may be the start of a new week for me, I plan on doing exactly what I’ve always done. I have my water sitting at my desk. I have my banana for my mid-morning snack. I have a smart ones meal in the fridge for lunch, and I have a Greek yogurt for afternoon snack. Done and done. Tonight I will run again. I will probably try to run tonight and Friday night, as I know Saturday I will not run and despite trying to tell myself I should run on Sunday, odds are I won’t. So I should run tonight and tomorrow so I can have the weekend off.

Hell, let’s face it. I am just one happy girl today.