25 Percent

Today is officially the last day of February. Where does the time go? It really does seem to go too. I’ve been busy all morning working on payroll for tomorrow. I do love payday, but I have to do all the work :) Guess if I didn’t have responsibilities I wouldn’t be needed and then I wouldn’t get a paycheck at all.

Last night I came home and ran. It was a much better run than two nights ago where I had to force it and it was ugly. It wasn’t anything special or fancy but it was a solid run and I was happy with it. Afterwards I tried on some jeans from under my bed. There seems to be a bottomless pit of clothing shoved in every nook and cranny of my home. Interesting. And of course varying sizes to say the least. Under both beds in my house lies a pit of clothing. I just pulled out some jeans and low and behold a bunch of them fit. I actually found 3 brand new s till have the tags on them pairs of Old Navy jeans in size 8. They all fit. Yeah. Now if I really want to wear them is another story. Every time we outgrow clothes for whatever reason when we finally get to revisit them there is always the question of does this actually work for you now? We will see. The point was, a bunch of stuff fit. I really need to look thru the rest of the clothes as I am planning on a big garage sale the beginning of April and should at least attempt to clean out my clothes before then.

Moving on, I showered and then had a delicious avocado and ham dinner. I love avocado so much. I have only recently discovered the deliciousness that is avocado and I am so wholeheartedly in love. My husband did some domestics out in the garage all evening so I was on my own. It was fine really, as trying on clothes does take a disturbing amount of time.

This morning the scale was very kind to me. I kind of have hoped in the back of my mind. Last week was Vegas week where I lost 1.2 pounds and then I really felt like I had a solid week and of course actually felt a little smaller this week. I must have been right because I was down 3.2 pounds this week. The official weight was 164.6, so yeah 55.4 pounds lost total in just about 5 months. New updated charts below…





The one thing you will notice about these charts is that my total percentage of body weight loss to date is over 25% now. There is 25% less of me now than there was 5 months ago. That seems significant. I am only 19.6 pounds to my 145 goal. That just seemed like a great weight to strive for and of course that whole 75 pounds gone thing. I am very happy with my progress as a whole despite having a few mental road blocks here and there. I did try on my bikini and have a hard time believing that I will ever be able to actually wear it in public. I guess we will see what 145 brings me, but seriously right now it will not even come close to happening.

I am so happy its Thursday already. I am looking forward to this weekend actually. Chris actually has the weekend off and I kind of want to spend some time with him. Of course I did book my facial for Saturday morning at 10 AM, so even if that takes 2 hours, we can still spend the afternoon together. We talked about going out to a local produce stand to pick up some apples and bananas and stuff. Hopefully that happens.

This is what I am thinking in terms of exercise. I do much better with exercise during the week as I come home and immediately go do my thing. Chris is not home, I can just get on my treadmill and go for it. I plan on running tonight and probably tomorrow night. That way I can take off Saturday and just enjoy my day completely without having to worry about getting a run in. Sunday morning I will wake up and coupon and then I will probably try and get myself to run Sunday night, but we will really have to wait and see how that plays out. The only thing I am committing to right now is a run tonight and tomorrow night.

I brought a lean cuisine lasagna for lunch today and of course my banana snacks. I have a bunch of work errands to run around lunch time today so that will get me out of the office for a while. Other than that this is about as exciting as it gets for me today.

Follow Up

Here is a follow up to my last post with a few links that I neglected to insert originally....

Here is the link to the new Victoria Secret bra I purchased exactly, its Fabulous push up bra... I got nude and black but they have awesome fun stuff availiable too... will eventually pick up some fun colors but its always good to start with the practical ones first!

http://www.victoriassecret.com/bras/fabulous-by-victorias-secret-collection/push-up-bra-fabulous-by-victorias-secret?ProductID=104344&CatalogueType=OLS



Here is the Victoria Secret sunless tanner that is absolutely amaizing!!!

http://www.victoriassecret.com/swimwear/self-tanners-and-bronzers/self-tanning-tinted-lotion-beach-sexy?ProductID=90767&CatalogueType=OLS



If you want to see the free bag I got in store yesterday, follow this link. Its the one on the front page and you can get it online too free with $75 purchase...

http://www.victoriasecret.com



And as follow up the facial lady called me back so I have an appointment on Saturday morning at 10 AM. I am pretty excited about this because my skin is sucking way to much lately.

The difference of a day

It’s amazing what a difference a day can make. I am happy to report that I am in a great mod today and the whiney bitchfest of yesterday is over with. As I stated yesterday one day everything sucks, the next you are loving life and what you see in the mirror. I am certain that my amazing workout last night helped me improve my mood a little as well.

I stayed totally on track yesterday with everything; my food choices, my water consumption and of course the run. I am more than happy to say that I got on the treadmill and managed a wonderful hour and 30 something minute workout while watching the newest Biggest Loser. I killed it and it resulted in a solid 11.53 mile run with 1511 calories burned. That is exactly what I needed to lift my mood. When you have a shitty workout and you can barely pull thru you start to doubt yourself a little and that doubt creeps into your brain. Nothing to doubt yesterday. I pulled off an incredibly solid 60 minute run a little less than 8 miles and then spent the next 30 plus minutes walking 2 minutes or so and then running 5 minutes at a higher intensity. Nothing like a kick ass workout to make you feel proud and confident!



And somehow today I feel smaller. Ha… see, this is such a mental game more than anything. Am I really suddenly smaller overnight? No way. But my improved mental state really does help. That and I did some other things yesterday to work on me that have contributed to my happiness today.

Case in point; anyone who knows me knows that I am a Victoria Secret addict. I swear like 80-90% of my wardrobe in life comes from Victoria Secret. I only wear there bras and underwear. I only wear there workout sports bras and exercise capris. I wear mostly all their shirts. I don’t do pants from them so that’s where the rest comes into play. Anyhow, kind of a sucker, especially for their free bags. As if I don’t have enough Victoria Secret bags already but every time they put out a free bag with $75 purchase promotion I’m not it.

Yesterday was the start of a new bag offer so I of course stopped by my local store just to look around. I whole heartedly knew I was spending $75 to get the bag. Anyhow I thought hmm… I might need a new bra. (The dresser drawer full of like 30 plus bras is not doing it for me!) Anyway, new bra, sure. They have a new fabulous bra it is called and the lady was like would you like to try it on? I of course said sure. The minute I put this bra on I knew I was in love. I had previously been wearing a size that is too big. It’s amazing what a good correctly sized bra can do for your boobs and thus your self-esteem. I purchased two of them. One in nude and one in black. I am retiring the larger sized bras I was wearing as they were not providing adequate support.

Anyhow, last night after my run I tried my bra on again just to see. I threw a t-shirt on over it and went out into the kitchen and Chris instantly knew I had a new bra on. That is how noticeable the difference was. He was like wow, your boobs look awesome. I’m like I know; it’s this new fabulous bra that I got today. It made all the difference in the world for sure. So today I am rocking the new fabulous bra and it does give me that extra spark of confidence.

Speaking of my favorite things I also have to say that in one of my free bags from Victoria Secret (the beach bag) I got with purchase of my new bikini they included a sample of their beach sexy self-tanning tinted lotion. I just looked it up to get the proper name… Anyhow the other night after my shower I went ahead and applied it. Usually sunless tanners are streaky at best and leave me slightly orange. I have to say I am pretty dang in love with this product. It is not perfect and still has a little of the orange thing but nothing like some of the others I’ve tried. I am loving my fake tan so much that I also picked up the full size bottle yesterday as well. Do you see my confidence growing? I am rocking a fabulous bra and a fake tan. Thank you Victoria Secret for elevating my mood today for sure.

Since I am in such an improved mood today I also wanted to talk beauty for a moment. Today needs to be a light hearted day for sure. I am having a skin problem. Never in my adult life have I had skin problems. My skin suddenly is so freaking dry and by the end of the workday wants to flake off. Its gross and I hate it. I have tried to keep moisturizing my face because I’m thinking it clearly must be a dry thing but it doesn’t seem to be working.

Last night I scrubbed my face, and put on moisturizer before bed. This morning I got up and put on a moisturizer again and then an under makeup face primer and then applied my makeup. I am really hoping that by the afternoon my skin isn’t flaking. It has become such an annoyance to me that yesterday I went on groupon and found a local spa that had half price facials and bought one. I have never had a facial but I’m thinking I must have a lot of dead skin that is having a hard time leaving my body so clearly I need a deep facial cleansing/cleaning/scrub. I hope that helps things out. So annoying. I guess that’s what happens as we get older really. There, I just called and left a message to try and schedule my appointment. We will see when they call me back.

While I was on groupon and at the whole self-improvement thing I’m really considering picking up a voucher for a massage too. $35 for an hour massage doesn’t seem too bad. I haven’t entirely decided yet, but I’m considering it.

All of my reflection the past couple days about where I’ve been previously in my life while it can be depressing has also got me thinking that I really can do this if I want to. There were some excellent comments by some awesome ladies I love :) I really do think cutting out those sugary foods helps me a lot. I really don’t drink a ton of pop anymore. Since I decided to take on the whole water thing I have noticed a difference and I tend to actually crave sugar less. I still have a sweet tooth and want cookies or candy each night but it’s not bad. If I could cut that out things would be better I am sure. I can do this. My history suggests that I am able to maintain for at least 6 months. I just have to figure out what triggers the letting go. I know most of it is emotional and has nothing to do with food. It is all mental. I think actually blogging thru it all might help too. I tend to run from my problems. I’ve always ran from my problems so if I forced myself to face them I might actually have to be accountable. That would be a change for me.

Anyway, I am doing great today and of course today is the last day before tomorrow mornings weigh-in so it’s completely on track for me. Not that weighing in tomorrow makes any difference in what I would do today really. On track and of course my own personal last chance workout tonight. Overall I do think I had a pretty good week. Yes, there were some challenges here and there but overall I am proud of my week and will take whatever the scale gives me.

Thief of Joy

I’m not going to lie, yesterday ended up being a little rough. I think I did it to myself. Sure, sure the eating was fine, the exercise happened. (It wasn’t pretty but it happened!)… What I mean by rough is some days you just have one of those mental blocks where things are not what you think they should be and you feel crappy about yourself. I did it to myself really. You know how I am not supposed to weigh myself more than once a week… (Don’t worry, I didn’t cheat on that one)… but the reason why I don’t do that comes from the same place where my brain gets all messed up sometimes about my perception of myself and how I’m doing on this journey.

I had a stumbling block yesterday afternoon. It was the end of the day at work and I was looking thru some old computer files and low and behold came across a ton of old weight loss charts from various points in my life. What is scary is that I have so many of these charts floating around that look almost identical. I was mad at myself… I got really angry… for 2 main reasons… the first being I could plainly see that I am more than capable of getting to goal and well past it and I was mad that I was still so overweight now. I was mad at myself for working my ass off for the last almost 5 months and I still weigh 168 pounds. I was pissed. (I was acting like a rotten child but ya know)
The second reason is when I see them all laid out together like that I realize how much of a horrible yo-yo dieter I really am. It is depressing to know that I have the same exact identical pattern over and over again. Clearly I learn nothing and go right back to a high 190-220 starting weight again and again.

I think this messed up thinking really fucked with my workout last night. Well, that and the fact that I was still quite sore from the gym on Saturday and my body was barely able to do what I wanted. It was not pretty but I did manage a solid 8 mile run nonetheless after struggling and a little longer time frame. It was nothing to write home about but my awful mood did not help.

FYI: I feel better today both physically and mentally and fully anticipate a much better run this evening. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. These ridiculous weight loss charts. The first one I found was 2008. Feb. 19, 2008 I started again at 186 pounds. I mean, I weigh 168 right now so it’s not that far off. Ugh…. Anyhow I kept at it for 8 months which is actually quite impressive to me and somehow on Sept 23, 2008 recorded a weight of 125 pounds. WTF??? I don’t ever remember being 125 pounds. I feel like it’s quite possible that this is when I was at my worst with my bad body destructive behaviors. I am certain that I tricked the scale somehow!

However, this is also the period of time where I seem to have done the best at maintaining, I don’t have any data from October 2008 until March 2009, when it picks back up on March 19, 2009. This is when I must have book our first Maui trip because the headline reads Maui Weight Loss goal. Anyhow I weighed 139.7 when I started on March 19. This means that between October 08 and March 09 I managed to maintain fairly well. That is 6 months and that is indeed impressive. I only managed 4 weeks of tracking down to 132.5 before it stops. I also recall I think I gave up a little and must have ended up going to Maui closer to 140 pounds. Still I remember the first time in Maui feeling great about myself and wearing that bikini.

The next tracking picks up in May of 2010 where low and behold I weighed 193 pounds. WTF? A year later and I gained back most of the weight. Story of my life. By the end of August 2010 I was down to 153.4 and this is where tracking stops yet again. I think when I get to around 150 I really don’t hate myself so it’s easy to let things go a little. Then there is no tracking from August 2010 until I see a number on March 1, 2001 of 159. Again, not awful I guess. In 6 months I had only gained about 6 pounds. I could deal with that, and that is what I would call fairly successful maintenance. March 2011 is when I booked Maui the second time and was getting ready for my wedding. I only have one measly week of weighing in and it was 156.7 and then there was nothing, no tracking again. I know in the months before my wedding I worked hard for a while and then totally lost it. Based on that 156.7 number I could only guess that when I finally went to Maui I was around 160-165 pounds.

I was happy in Maui the second time and despite not feeling 100% confident in my body and knowing that I weighed more than the first time I was there I was still able to fully embrace the experience. After June 2011 it was a bottomless pit of food for literally almost a year and a half. Culminating in that October 2012 weight of 220.

Notice a trend here, first time I gained weight and started again it was 186… second time it was 193 and then it was 220. Not a good trend at all. Also I was so mad at myself for doing this to my body. What is wrong in my brain that I can’t turn off the eating earlier than 190-ish pounds? That is really an unacceptable weight. I am mad at myself that the only time I really felt happy about my weight was that first time I was in Maui and apparently weighed no more than 140 pounds. That makes me sad. I am sad that today I weigh 168 pounds and that seems like forever to 140.

I know, I am being a whiney bitch. I get it. I am not really upset but this is that moment where I go life is so freaking unfair sometimes!!! I don’t want to and really…. All those sentiments rolled into one. It’s funny how truly one day you can look in the mirror and feel so happy and confident in yourself and the way things are going and then the very next day something stupid can throw you off and suddenly you are depressed and pissed about the way you look. That is exactly how I was feeling yesterday.

I also feel like I have no right to complain because while I am 168 pounds right now and I can be pissed all I want about that, it is a far cry from 220. I have lost 52 pounds already. That is not a small deal really. But I still weigh 168 and that is a long way to 140. Ugh. One can lose 52 pounds and still need to lose 28 to be happy. I also know that if I just keep doing what I am doing that it will eventually happen. I know this but I also feel like I want it now!!!!

I need to stop acting like a brat I know. This is really sickening behavior and completely unattractive too boot. I know I am better than this thinking and I have worked really hard to push aside so much of this negativity in my brain. I have worked really hard and I am really proud of my accomplishments and 9 out of 10 times when I look at myself in a mirror I am happy with the image I see. It doesn’t matter that its 168 pounds. It’s just a stupid number, it doesn’t say anything about what I’ve accomplished or how muscular my legs are or how good I feel about myself. It’s just a stupid number. And who the fuck cares that once in 2008 I was able to somehow get my body into the 120’s…. I am sure it wasn’t good how I did it and I am sure it is not something I would ever be able to maintain. So really, what does it matter then? Perhaps I will feel better about all this when I do lose some more weight, but I can’t not enjoy my life until then.

28 pounds is something I can accomplish. Really 23-28 pounds in the next 3 months is something that is possible for me. I just need to keep going along as I have been and not let this negativity enter my brain. I mean, stress does nothing good for your body. I need to focus on today. I can’t change any of the past anyway. It is the past and part of who I’ve been, but it doesn’t have to determine the person I am now or my future. I am smart and capable and so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I feel so much wiser today at 33 than I did in 2008 at 28-29…. I would not torture my body like I did back then. I have learned to love myself and my 168 pound work in progress body so I need to shut out all the other voices in my head that tell me something different.

Today is a new day and I will be happy for that. I brought a lunch today and I planned for my activities and snacks and tonight I get to watch the new Biggest Loser from last night and run. And physically I feel recuperated and like tonight I should be able to manage a solid make me proud kind of run and that is probably the best thing I can do for myself right now.

All this reminded me of a pinterest that I knew was there and couldn’t be more dead on for what I just talked about… You see comparison REALLY is the thief of joy. I should not compare myself to where I’ve been because it just sucks the happiness out of me.

Weekend sore

Ah Monday morning we meet again. I wish I had better feelings about you. I wish I had an amazingly perfect weekend so that greeting you today was a wonderful happiness. It is not. I wish the weather wasn’t still so cold and yucky and therefore leaving me feeling the winter blues. Ah Oregon I love you with all of your beauty and nature but your continual rain and cold is sometimes depressing. I mean, I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else actually but can it be spring already?

My last Friday was crazy busy at work. My boss is in between jobs and spending lots of time in the office. He was here this morning when I arrived but gone now. I don’t know where he went or when he might return, so good times. Nonetheless I’m not actually complaining he is very nice and I feel blessed to have this job. It could definitely be worse.

I did not run Friday and instead I came home, went to Rite-Aid with my husband than onto Red Lobster for an amazing Lobsterfest dinner. I did pretty good, I had journaled all my food choices. When I came home I had a few Hershey kisses but that’s all right.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. I did about 20 minutes on the elliptical and then we moved on to free weights and some weight machines. You never really think that you are getting much of a workout in (until the next day when you are sore!) Yeah during it I was doing stuff and then had to stop and take a break but overall it’s not the sweat fest of a run. I did a new machine that I just loved. Essentially it was a pull up with weights being used as resistance because God knows I could not actually pull my own weight up! Loved it so much actually. After the weights my mom wanted to do another round of cardio. According to her personal trainer she pays for she is supposed to start with a cardio warm up and then weights and then end with another cardio session. I obliged and headed to the treadmills. I really do prefer the treadmill to the elliptical. Everyone has their thing.

I got on that treadmill turned up the speed, put in some earphones and just ran my heart out. I sweated so freaking much it was flying off me onto the machine. I am sure it was just lovely. I did 30 minutes ran 4 miles and felt pretty dang good.

It was a nice time at the gym. I do like it when I can do something different. Afterwards we ran a few more errands and then we met my sister at Panera Bread for a nice lunch. So far so good. We went back to my mom’s house and did some more errands, got our coupons ready for yesterday. While there I somehow decided Girl Scout cookies were a good option. I didn’t binge; I ate 5 little ones for 4 points. I was fine and moved on.

We all went for a 5 o’clock pedicure appointment where my feet got exactly what they needed! Walking around in Vegas actually exposing them reminded me that I really do need and like to have manicured feet. By the time we left it was 6:30 or so, I was still in my workout clothes so when I got home I fairly immediately got on the treadmill to finish off one more ½ hour 4 mile run so I got in a solid 8 miles on Saturday. I could however tell that my body was fatiguing so I just let it go with a half hour run.

Yesterday was spent waking up early to hit the stores for my Sunday morning couponing. We have a pretty solid routine. We hit lots of stores, get lots of stuff, and then usually head for a lunch afterwards or during to nourish us! Couponing is serious business people. Anyhow, we went to Applebee’s where I got something off the 550 calorie or less menu. Napa Chicken. It was good. So far so good.

By the time the afternoon hit and I was done with my shopping and it was time to finally go home I was so tired and yes, I felt sore in some unused areas of my body that I decided to listen to my body and take yesterday off from exercise. Part of my thinking is that I always work out so well after work so if I get in a run tonight thru Wednesday that will be 3 nights in a row and I had done 2 nights prior so that would be five runs this week and that is all I strive for.

The problem with taking the night off from running is that I turned the TV on to watch the Oscars and instantly started snacking. Not a great idea in hindsight. I ate far too much chocolate. I ate a cookie here and there but my biggest downfall was a box of Wheat Thins and cream cheese. Oops… I really love wheat thins and cream cheese. I didn’t eat a whole box or anything but I also didn’t count at all and therefore felt guilty afterwards. When I type everything out from my weekend it doesn’t seem all that bad so I suppose chastising myself over my indulgences with the wheat thins is pretty stupid. I made some fairly healthy decisions most of the time so that is really what counts.

I realized this morning I forgot to pack any lunch. I was in a hurry to get to work since I knew the boss would be here and didn’t want to walk in too late to work. I mean 5 minutes is acceptable the 20 minutes I can be late some mornings probably not so much. That means that I will have to stop at Quiznos or Subway for a sandwich while I’m out. I did manage to bring my water and two bananas so that’s good.

Oh and my amazing bikini that I ordered from Victoria Secret should be showing up today to provide me with some additional motivation. I really do think it’s going to be hung in plain sight of my eyes while on my treadmill. I think that will help me out some. I have this idea of maybe taking a picture of myself in the bikini right now (as bad as that may be... ha!) and then taking a picture of course when I am closer to goal and considering actually wearing the thing to see my progress. I am sure 25 pounds will make a difference.

The truth is I woke up this morning still a little sore. I actually love that feeling because it means I did something different to my body and made it work. That is so refreshing to me actually. Despite the sore-ness I will run today. I took off yesterday because of it so I’m due a really good sweat session.

I definitely am looking forward to any amount of sun the universe will grant me. I am feeling warmth deprived like most of America probably is actually. Other than that it’s pretty much same old same old for me. I am back at it today and that is just dandy with me!

Crazy busy day

Wow, super busy day at work today. Actually this whole week has been busy. One of my bosses is in between jobs right now so he has been in the office the past two days…. Makes life interesting :) But actually it makes the day go kind of fast. It is already almost 3 PM and I only have 2 hours left. Yeah! Yesterday I killed it on a good run after work so that makes 5 days in a row. That means today is my day off which is totally fine since its Friday night date night. Red Lobster tonight with my husband. I was a very good girl and pre-journaled my dinner points so hopefully that all goes well. Its Lobsterfest at Red Lobster so I’m looking forward to a little lobster tail this evening.

Wow, see what happens when time flies, its now 4:35 PM and almost time for me to head home. Obviously I don’t have anything too exciting to say today as I couldn’t manage to get it out. I think tomorrow I am going to the gym with my mom. Chris has to work this weekend so that means I am on my own. I might try the gym again and see where I can get with that. Other than that I don’t have too exciting of plans. Hopefully a little down time from my crazy busy week!!!!

Have a wonderful weekend!

A true obsessive compulsive

As much as I love going on vacation and as much as I had an amazing time last week I am glad that today marks day one of a new week. I always like the first day of a new “weight” week because it is full of possibility. I’m glad to officially put Vegas week behind me. With all that said, I officially lost 1.2 pounds last week. I weighed in at 167.8 this morning. I will gladly accept that number and move on. I spend far too much time worrying about stupid things. I really didn’t want to weigh this morning but it was okay. 1.2 pounds is great considering the indulgences I took part in for three days. I can’t really tell you completely because it’s not as if I tracked my food at all.

Anyhow, it’s behind me and I can move on. So today is officially the mark of a new week and I am optimistic and excited about what I can accomplish this week. I am always excited and optimistic at the start of a new week…. (For the record I did run last night so I completely accomplished my entire pre Vegas plan… run 4, 4 off, run 4)

I have no official plans or goals for the week other than eating healthy and exercise. Same old, same old. Yesterday I thought a lot about goals. I had to run lots of work errands yesterday afternoon and was practically in the car all afternoon long. This left a lot of time for thinking. And I thought and thought and thought. Aside from the larger scale goals I narrowed in on a smaller Maui goal. When I went to Maui in 2009 with Chris I am not certain what I weighed but know it was closer to my goal of 145 and I felt really good about myself. I worse a bikini, even though I did feel a little self-conscious about it. Last time, in 2011, I did not wear any bikinis because I think I was more like 160-170. I don’t really know. Anyway, I would not feel comfortable wearing a bikini right now but my goal is to wear a bikini in Maui this time.

I am eyeballing some new push up bra bikini’s from Victoria Secret that are fabulous and available in my favorite animal print combinations. I think I may just go ahead and order one and have it as my goal. They always say to set things out as motivation. It might be fun to buy it and hang it up in plain sight of my treadmill. Maybe it will make me work a little harder.

Speaking of working harder last night on the treadmill I came to an obvious completely unsurprising conclusion… I am no longer working as hard as I once was. I mean, I am running the same speed and distances and burning fewer calories. About ¾ of the way thru my run I realized that I just wasn’t working as hard and my heart rate monitor confirmed it. Perhaps it’s time to change something. Ultimately it’s not about running x speed or distance for me, it really is about the calories burned and the effort I put forth. I am certain as you lose weight and of course your body gets comfortable with everything you do to it that I am going to burn less calories.

Anyhow, I am confident that at the rate that I seem to be going that there is no reason that by June 1 I should not be at my goal weight of 145. Honestly 140 was always the official goal but when you are 220 pounds, 145 seemed like a perfectly acceptable number. Scratch that, at 220 pounds 150 sounded amazing. Actually on second thought when I was 220 pounds I remember telling my mom I would be thrilled to be 160 pounds. Today I am 167.8 pounds and let me tell you I actually am thrilled, but not anywhere near bikini-territory. Not that wearing a bikini is really all that important to me. It’s not; it’s just another way to motivate myself.

Anyhow, with the official goal being set at 145 with a total loss of 75 pounds, I am 22.8 pounds away. I officially have 14 weigh-ins before Maui that is only 1.63 pounds per week approximately. According to my weight loss graph and charts I am averaging 2.61 pounds a week so it really shouldn’t be a problem. I certainly hope these last 22.8 pounds do something to help take off that stupidly large extra layer of fat that still looms around my waist. Sure I can squeeze into jeans that naturally suck it all in but it’s still this stupid layer that sucks…. Such is life I suppose.

So last night I was talking to Chris about posting on this website again and he was like, I know… I know you and I know your patterns when you get back into this you post. He said he checked it out a few times but that honestly most everything I wrote was boring to him. I laughed and said I know. It really wouldn’t be that exciting to you at all. He said he didn’t understand how I could just talk and talk about food and weight etc. Honestly I don’t care if he reads it, I mean, I am not saying anything personnel about him or us. I remember back in the day when I met Chris I overshared everything in my life. I keep it much more health related these days and that is the way it should be. Chris is a part of my health related life so it would be impossible not to mention him from time to time but that is alright.

So let’s talk obsessive compulsive for a moment. We all know that I have obsessive compulsive tendencies… I borderline on the extreme… I feel like I have really learned in the past couple years to curb some of that, or at least know my limits. I have discussed many times how I feel about weighing myself once and only once a week. This is a direct result of learning my limits. I am a much happier/healthier person only doing it once a week. I just wanted to give you an example as recently I was looking thru a notepad that I found with stuff scribbled in it and I found something disturbing….

I share this with you today because I am trying to fully expose myself in terms of health and weight and try to figure out how to really make this work for me. I realize that I have obsessive tendencies. But I came across a notepad from about 2009 apparently as scribbled at the top of a page it says Sat 4-18-09 (so this was just a month and half before I went to Maui that first time… hmm…)

It reads:

131.6 naked AM
133.8 with exercise clothes
132.5 after run before food exercise clothes
132.4 after food and 2nd run exercise clothes
131.2 after 3rd run exercise clothes
131.3 after food
129.1 naked before shower

Yup…. This is exactly what happens in the mind of an obsessive compulsive individual…. Not only did I run 3 times that day, but I weighed myself 7 times. This is the perfect example of why I am not allowed to weigh myself more than once a week. It is a slippery slope and it turns into this…

So I guess what this tells me is that in April of 2009 I was more like 130 pounds… geesh…. Of course I also know that from this time to the time I went to Maui in June of 2009 I gained weight again so I was not really 130 pounds, probably more like 140 pounds and wearing that bikini.

I find weird little notes like this around my house from time to time. It reminds me of how far I’ve come I guess. Not only with the weight but with my mind more than anything. I would not allow myself to do this anymore. I would not allow my mind to control me like that. Nothing good comes from this at all. I am quite happy and successful with my once a week weigh-ins.

What you don’t see from these notes and what isn’t noted but I can only begin to guess because I know me is that in between all those weigh-ins there was not only a lot of mental talk but probably not a lot of water consumed because I didn’t want to see a gain on the scale as clearly I was obsessively weigh-ing myself. I am not sure what I hoped to learn from doing this. Probably not a lot other than feeding the crazy voice in my head.

Now I not only drink water after I run, but if I need to I drink water WHILE I run. Because I am not worried about what the scale might say afterwards because I don’t weigh myself!!! The weight comes off the same without all the crazy inner dialogue.

So rest assured there are people out there crazier than you! But I really am proud of how far I’ve come. I have proven to myself that I don’t have to be as obsessive and still achieve the same good results. I mean, I am down 52.2 pounds in 19 weeks and that has been completely done with only weighing myself 1 time each week!!!!

Okay, so I really didn’t intend to talk about my crazy that much today. This is probably what my husband finds completely not exciting and boring to read about…. With all this said, I am happy with today. I am happy with the new week fresh start and I’m excited about what I can accomplish by the time I go back to Maui. End of today’s extra long rant!

Dream Big

Driving to work this morning I heard a commercial from American Family Insurance for dreaming big. Not that I support American Family Insurance, but I guess I don’t not support them either… ha… I guess you could say I generally don’t have an opinion on the topic period. Anyway, the commercial is all about if you are going to dream, dream big. And then they had this little jingle that they planned about dreaming big. Sometime radio ads can spark those thoughts running thru my head. Guess that is the point, and probably the best part for them is that I remembered who the ad was for and therefore just wrote there name twice in this post. Probably money well spent for them.

Anyhow, Dream Big. I started thinking about dreaming and having that BIG goal. Sure I have dreams an set goals for myself but what is the Big dream that I don’t dare actually wish for? If the sky were the limit, what would I dream for? While I am generally happy right now… happier than I’ve been in quite some time, we all can still dream. I suppose that if I was dreaming big this is it… I want to not only reach my goal weight but I want to live there for at least a year, and I mean really live there around that weight and then I want to get a breast lift/implants. Gravity, time, and constant yo-yo dieting have left the girls so ridicously deflated and saggy that I really honestly think it would be money well spent. Yes I know it’s purely cosmetic and of course vain but it’s for me, it would be for me to feel good about myself which is kind of the whole reason that we try to be healthy to begin with. Not for vanity but to feel good about ourselves and happy and healthy.

Anyway, I have been crazy swamped at work the past two days which is why there was a lack of posts. Actually I’m still busy today but felt like I didn’t want to ignore my site for another day. That always happens when you are gone and come back. I mean, real life does get in the way from time to time. That and honestly I was off the past two days. Off like one expects after having just reached a major milestone or taking a vacation. I had a couple days of that whole post vacation let down. I had put so much time and energy into the whole concept of getting to a “goal” for Vegas and once Vegas was over there is that inevitable, “what now?”

Sure, I still have Maui in June which is entirely more important anyway and yes, I still have a larger goal to achieve and all, but it just took me a few days to reconnect mentally. With that said, I have been good since I got home. I have gotten right back on track as I told myself I would. Prior to Vegas I had a plan. 4 days of running before Vegas, my 4 days in Vegas off, and then 4 days of running when I got back. I am happy to say that despite my less than great mental state that Sunday night I ran, Monday night I ran and last night I ran. There 3 out of 4 which means tonight is night 4 and I will run. I do like to accomplish all the goals I set for myself. My eating has been fine too. I haven’t exceeded my points since I’ve been home even if the quality wasn’t exactly phenomenal. Baby steps I guess.

Despite everything I know and have worked for its still shocking to me how hard it can be to mentally get your head in the game. Speaking of those goals and dreams, I realized that in order for me to stay on my game apparently I must always have something I am working towards. I was so motivated by my Vegas goal and realized after the fact that this was a huge reason I was able to stay so focused. Now I must make it about a Maui goal. Therefore I am a little worried what happens after Maui. I am a goal driven person so I must device new and constant goals for me to work towards. That is apparently the only way I can conquer these demons long term.

Let’s face it, I am great at losing weight, I completely suck ass at maintaining it. I need to key in on what makes me successful and bottle that drive for times when it’s harder. I believe some sort of goal is part of the equation. Fortunately for me getting back on track wasn’t that hard physically. Like I said, mentally there is questioning, but I had no problem making myself change into my workout clothes and hit the treadmill. I guess habit is formed and its second nature to come home and just change into my workout clothes. That is nice.

I think part of the problem is that I am scared of weighing myself tomorrow morning. I did the best I could in Vegas, and honestly I don’t think I did too horrible all things considered but I’m still scared. I get those moments where I think there is simply no way I am going to maintain. No way I didn’t gain weight. I think this stems from this is the first time in 4 ½ months that I really allowed myself to deviate from the plan. Of course I have fear. I suppose it will be good for me to weigh-in, even if it is a gain to see that life does go on and I can recover. That is part of life. My brain knows this. It’s just hard to deal with. I actually considered not weighing in this week and letting it go another week just so I didn’t have to see something I didn’t think I could mentally handle. However, after much inner debate and dialogue I determined that I would like to see the number tomorrow no matter what.

These are the facts. I weighed myself a day early last week, Wednesday morning. My Wednesday was absolutely fine in terms of food. I went over by like 2 points. Big deal. No exercise because I was on a plane, etc. I then had 3 days of Vegas which were what they were, but at least I did tons of walking! I ate too much for sure. I then had Sunday, Monday and Tuesday which I did run and ate well. That leaves me with today, Wednesday where I fully anticipate healthy living and exercise. Basically in the end I have 8 days this week and 5 of them were lived pretty healthy. Logically I’m hoping this will equate to at least a maintain on the scale. Monday in particular I was feeling incredibly bloated. I knew it, but fortunately that went away yesterday. No matter what, despite it all, I am actually quite proud of my behavior in Vegas and no matter what the scale says I should be able to deal with it.

There have been plenty times in the past 9 years (since the very first time I went to weight watchers) that I have joined again weighing what I do now. I really want to focus on this next part as being a solid phase 2 where I am working towards a Maui goal, fresh. I need to recommit and refocus again on what got me here in the first place. I am so much happier and healthier.

It’s not a coincidence that my relationship with my husband is so much better right now. Every relationship has its ups and downs, after almost 9 years I have learned this for sure, but when I am happy, we are happy. We seem to be clicking so much better right now and I love that. It adds to my continued happiness. I feel like I want to live my life and that makes me happy. There are just so many reasons why I need, want and WILL continue doing what I’m doing.

I promise myself today and I make this promise to anyone who is reading this that I will not quit, I will not give up, that I am going to keep going. That this is my life, even when I think it’s unfair or I wish I didn’t have to work this hard, that in the end I know it’s worth it and I will continue down this path. That the feeling of being comfortable and happy with yourself is better than anything money can buy and better than any amount of food you can consume.

I actually feel like I have tons of topics to discuss but I am going to save that for another day… actually I am glad that I have tons to discuss because honestly it’s when I have nothing to discuss that I get worried. I promise to not abandon myself or this blog…. (Even if times get tough!)

Home sweet home

Okay so here’s the deal…. I did the best I could food wise and I’m not mad at myself over my choices. I was by no means perfect. Hello alcohol it’s been a while… and of course my all you can eat meat Valentine’s Dinner. Did I mention that at some point I did kind of say whatever and forgot to care how many calories things were. This is life. I also made some really good decisions. I opted for fruit for breakfast, a few healthier turkey sandwich/wrap options and we even ate Subway once. Overall I didn’t entirely binge like crazy I’m going to vomit. I did the best I could given the situation and I am fine. I was actually fine the whole time.


I fully anticipate needing the next four days to detox my body, exercise and hopefully see a MAINTAIN this week of last weeks weight. I truly am hoping for this as I did consume probably too much overall. What else do you expect from 4 days in Vegas? It wasn’t really Vegas itself that did me in, it was my girl Pink. I got so excited and wanted to enjoy myself so much that I had a drink and then once you open the flood gates and truly are having an amazing time, the alcohol starts flowing. Of course after a 36 ounce slushy type alcoholic beverage and then a large can of Mikes Hard Lemonade I started to feel kind of sick. I had about another ½ of a Mike’s and then had to quit drinking.


Can I say with completely certainty that Pink was the bet concert of my life. So ridiculously entertaining. So perfect really that I am going to admit this here and I didn’t tell anyone in real life that honestly the moment that Pink finally stepped on stage and she opened her mouth and sang I started crying. True, genuine happy tears. I couldn’t stop. Thankfully it was so loud and I was faced away from Chris that he would never have known. That “secret” is only for me and I guess this world. I was in such complete happiness that I seriously could not stop crying throughout the first entire song. I kept telling myself to get it together but I couldn’t. I think it was the culmination of wanting to see her for the past four years and of course all the other emotions I have placed on her thru her and her lyrics. Pink’s music has helped me throughout a lot in my life and suddenly it was all meeting here on that stage seeing her, listening to her. And of course the aforementioned alcohol playing a part in the tears I am sure. I was completely totally blissfully happy and that was EXACTLY why I took this trip in that one moment all rolled into one.


Unless you stalk someone or are as obsessed with a stupid artist as I am its hard to understand why seeing someone is so important. It generally is not important but I have listened to her cd’s for so long relating to the lyrics in a magical touching way that I was just can not explain. Needless to say it was pure perfection. So much so that somewhere into the second or third song I looked at Chris and said next time, I don’t care what it costs, we will be in the front. Yes I am verbally committing to the reality that the next tour, however long that takes, another 4-5 years maybe; I will be $1000 a ticket if I must to sit in the front. That is how amazing I thought the show was and how important it is to me. So I make this declaration now, I will be in the front next time.

Meanwhile, the whole trip was completely worth it to see her. We talked to lots of awesome people at the concert and I had a completely amazing time.


As far as the rest of the trip is concerned I was mostly able to get out of my own head long enough to enjoy myself and not notice and or compare myself to everybody else. Sure I had those couple moments of holy damn I am still so fat. I think beauty obsessed Vegas will do that to you, but for the most part overall I was comfortable in my own skin. Yes there are plenty of fake people but you know what…. There were plenty of people larger than me enjoying themselves as well. By no means was I the thinnest or the fattest person there and there is something comforting in that. I have no desire to ever be a breakable toothpick. Much like my idol Pink I want to be a strong fierce woman.


So today is detox from four days of excessive consumption. Honestly my body didn’t like eating crap. I knew it wouldn’t. I felt better when I was making the healthier choices, not even just mentally but physically as well. Today starts phase 2 of my get healthy plan. Phase one was the lose 50 pounds to be happy and healthier going to Vegas to see Pink. Done!


Phase 2 is lose another 25-30 pounds to really start to feel great and have a kick ass time in Maui, where my real love lies. Where the true vacation happens. Nothing about Vegas is a relaxing vacation. I am NOT a Vegas girl. For the most part that is not a place I would ever go if it weren’t for the entertainment.


Right now I am going to drink me some water and today, later, I will run. I am physically exhausted trying to get my body to recuperate from the past four days but I will run later. In fact I am sitting here in my workout clothes. I put them on this morning so I have no excuses. I will run. Four days taken off and you know what I am ready to get back to it. With that said, it’s not like being in Vegas is completely sedimentary. I suppose Vegas could be but man did we walk and walk and walk. I swear on Thursday we walked up and down the entire strip lots of times. I would not be exaggerating to say that throughout the day we waked 15 miles. And then Friday was easily another 5-10 and even yesterday we had to log at least 5 miles. I walked a lot and my legs do feel it. It’s not like I can’t walk/run that many miles… it was the shoes. I was not in my Nike running shoes but rather boots and flip flops… not the most comfortable walking shoes. Thus my legs kind of feel it.


Irregardless today I run and get back to my regular life! Had an amazing time, but so glad to be back home getting back to doing what I love….

For the love of Pink

Well hello world on this amazing fabulous wonderful Wednesday. And yes it is only the aforementioned because today I get to go to Vegas! So let’s dive right in shall we….

Today I would like to give thanks for Pink. Yes, Pink the artist.



The whole reason I was finally able to get my ass in gear is simple, my love of this woman. Her lyrics have continually spoken to me in a way that no other artist seems to get. It is thru this immense love for her and her kick ass personality that I simply had no choice but to fulfill a promise to myself of seeing her live the next time she toured. At first I was vastly disappointed that the nearest concert was Vegas as I was not in the mood to spend money, travel or generally do anything remotely fun when I was feeling so crappy about myself. I actually waivered about the decision to go despite three years previously professing that I would NOT miss the next time Pink toured. Reluctantly I caved and booked the trip and bought the tickets.

I sit here today a happier healthier woman excited to go to Vegas simply because I love Pink that much that not seeing her was simply not an option and therefore I needed to change my mind and thus my body. Pink allowed me to accomplish what Disneyland could not, what I could not do up until then on my own. In all fairness it’s quite likely that I would have gotten fed up enough on my own at some point and done this without the goal of Pink in mind, but it was the catalyst that got me moving, literally.

Today I am most grateful for how the universe works and honestly I am grateful that Pink did not have a concert any closer than Vegas. Had she gone to Portland or Seattle I would have had a quick little concert and perhaps not been as concerned about my growing size. Perhaps it was the combination of Pink and going to Vegas, one of the most beauty obsessed, self-indulgent places in the world. I simply knew I could not go there weighing 220 pounds. Yes…. I weighed 220 pounds. I can freely admit that now because as of today I have accomplished what I set out to do.

This morning I weighed myself and low and behold I lost 2.7 pounds in the last 6 days making my grand total 51 pounds lost exactly to date. I head to Vegas weighing 169 pounds. I am not at my ultimate goal weight, which I have mentally set at a very happy, healthy, obtainable 145 pounds, but all be damned 169 pounds is amazingly better than 220 pounds. It’s like 51 pounds better :)

Another milestone today, when I entered my weight into my progress tracking program on my phone (my app to track my food, etc.), My BMI has gone from Obese Class 1 to simply overweight. I mean, that is an accomplishment considering my 220 pounds put me at Obese Class 2, BMI of 39… today my BMI says 29.9. I really don’t put much stalk into BMI’s because I think they are pretty bogus but nonetheless seeing that much change no matter what is refreshing.

This means I have 24 more pounds to my goal of 145. I have been thinner than 169 pounds many times in my life but this time I feel so much happier than I’ve ever felt at 169 pounds. I really earned this 51 pound loss. The first time I joined weight watchers, 9 years ago at 215 pounds I was a young naïve 24 year old child. I had no idea about anything really. The weight seemed to fall off and I didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t understand anything. That girl had no idea what the next 9 years would have in store for her. This time around I have earned my weight in a whole new way. A way I am most proud of!

It’s also very nice to be out of the 170’s and into the 160’s…. That just feels better. So yes I go into Vegas with a glorious attitude and an even bigger appreciation for what Pink has brought into my life. I can’t give her all the credit since I’m the one who busted ass and all, but this event has ultimately been the catalyst that has returned my happiness. That means a lot. I love that I actually can be this completely happy at 169 pounds. I never thought that was a possibility. That naïve 24 year old was not happy at 169 pounds but this 33 year old is estatic today.

I won’t quite, I won’t give up and I will try my hardest to not let those voices inside my head control or take away anything from me. I have learned over the years that it’s simply not enough to get to goal that I have to live this for the rest of my life to be happy. That I am truly only happy when I treat my body right so there is no excuse ever to binge and quit. Binges will happen (but not in Vegas!) but that is not a free pass to quit this lifestyle. I do believe in my heart that I keep learning every time I do this and despite a few setbacks here and there ultimately I am much happier and healthier this time around. I have forgiven myself for many of my previous mistakes and I am proud of the girl I am today.

I am proud of this body I have earned. I am proud of the workouts I have endured and put myself thru, but honestly I am incredibly proud to know that I am once again the runner I know I am in my heart. The runner who endures and pushes thru obstacles. I am proud to call myself an athlete again.



So with all that said and with my impending trip, I leave tonight! I am simply going to enjoy myself. I am not going to binge as I previously discussed but I will enjoy myself and hope that next week when I weigh myself I just see that 169 number again, that is the goal.

I promised charts when I lost 50 pounds so without further ado here is the excel spreadsheet I use every week to record my progress and the accompanying chart that it creates from the nunbers.





And finally in the spirit of patience and growth and being proud of myself today, here is one more pinterest to set the mood for me for the next few days….



And finally, I guess I should snap a picture of myself from this morning... this is what I'm wearing today and on the plane tonight to Vegas... :)

Post 32

I have to say yesterday went pretty well for me. I was super busy at work and that did not stop into my evening. I stopped at Rite-Aid after work and ultimately it ended up taking me a little longer than I had anticipated. On my way home from work my sister called me and we chatted for a while. I didn’t get home until about 6:30. I did not make it onto the treadmill until at least 7 PM. This is late for me. I had a moment of I don’t want to do this, but then told myself that I allowed myself to stop at Rite-Aid because I knew I would run afterwards, regardless of the time, so I had to. End of story. It actually ended up being a good run so I was happy.

Tonight is my last chance workout since tomorrow morning I will be weighing in in the morning. Plus I get to watch last night’s new Biggest Loser which is always nice as well. I won’t be making any unplanned stops tonight as I have a straight head directly home, pass go, do not stop rule for the evening. Tonight is super busy and therefore I must be super regimented in my plan of attack. I really do thrive better with plans of attack.

Since it is the Biggest Loser and a Tuesday night this is my long run. I don’t know how long my long run will end up being but I want to watch all of the episode so I’m guessing at least 1 ½ of running. Realistically if I make it on the treadmill by 5:45 PM that means that I will be done about 7:15 or 7:30, depending on a little wiggle room. I will then deal with my purchased items from today and probably give myself a little wiggle room to rest a moment.

I am not sure if I will immediately start packing. I must admit I haven’t packed a single thing yet and that frightens me. I have never felt so ill-equipped for a trip ever. So I must decide what outfits I want to wear the next four days and of course that pesky shoe situation. I then must shower and then blow dry my hair. That is a long process unfortunately. The hair blow drying portion that is. But if I don’t blow dry my hair it just looks terrible. I don’t mind so much a day here and there, I can always pull it back in a ponytail, but if I am heading to Vegas I at least want to make the effort to attempt to have decent hair.

So packing and a shower and blow drying are on my agenda. I am also worried about getting the house at least in decent enough shape that I am not freaked out when I come home. And then there is my Molly dog. I worry about her. She is staying with my mom Wed-Friday and then my mom is leaving on Friday afternoon/evening to see my other sisters and is going to drop Molly off at my Aunt’s house. I just worry that everything is okay and of course I feel a little guilty but she is only a dog and she will be okay. I am leaving her with my mom after all.

Chris works the late shift tonight which means he had this morning off he called and told me that he cleaned up a little, so we will see what that means when I get home. I tend to overthink/overstress some things and this might be a perfect example. I am sure it will all be fine. It’s only a couple days after all. I am really excited! Tomorrow night I am getting on a plane to go somewhere. It doesn’t really matter where; it’s still somewhere which is nice. Plus Pink. I love that girl!

I’d like to take a moment to draw everyone’s attention to the fact that this is my 32nd post in 2013. This is of note because if you look at this blog archive you will notice that in 201- I had 31 posts and since 2009 that is the most I have written in a single year on this page. Today and this post means I have officially written more in 2013 than I did in any previous year for the last 5 years. And yet a whole whopping 32 posts is not really that impressive at all. Just a sign that for a lot of those years weight has not been my friend!

Speaking of weight related issues something interesting happened when I went to the work post office today. I go into this post office like almost every day for the past 5 years I guess. Obviously they have seen it all in terms of my fluctuating weight but life is so subtle that you don’t really notice the changes if you see someone so often. There is a guy who works there that talks to me a lot, I think he likes me not as in “likes” me, but I simply mean likes me as a person. Anyway, I was waiting to get my mail and he came over to me and almost whispered to me, you look very nice today… and as it perhaps seemed awkward he followed it up with a “I mean that professionally.” I think he meant that he was not being all creepy sexual harassment on me, but in a professional manner. I however do not look all that professional in my jeans and boots and t-shirt so I don’t believe he meant I looked professional.

I can only take this comment to mean that he has noticed that I have lost weight and being a man that I only know on a professional level the only way he could comment was to tell me I looked very nice. One can’t really say you’ve lost a ton of weight or anything similar in fashion. Just for the record I don’t think there was anything other than face value going on here. But I guess it’s nice to hear as most of the people in the rest of my immediate family/life don’t seem to say much ever. I guess it’s quite the story of been there done that.

I am happy and excited and for today that is what matters. I consider this week pretty much a throw away in terms of weight loss so whatever happens tomorrow is truly okay especially considering this weekend and of course considering the last two weeks I have lost a combined 6.8 pounds. I think whatever the scale gives me will be fine. I am definitely ready to relax and enjoy some of the benefits of being happy and healthy.

I will check in tomorrow as I work until 2 PM and then I will be rushing home to meet my husband and leave for the airport. Expect tomorrow’s post to be entirely made up of how I can’t wait to get thru the day to go on vacation! Of course I will also report whatever number the scale gives me as well.

Wish me luck in packing tonight and getting thru my last chance workout!

Outside of my head

I have a lot on my mind today in terms of thoughts about the weekend, but I am also swamped at work and trying to get things taken care of before I go on vacation on Wednesday so I don’t know how much I am going to get into all the nitty gritty. In a nutshell my weekend was okay. It DEFINITELY could have been better but that is okay. I think my mind was somehow already in vacation mode and that is never a good thing.

I had the best of intentions Friday night going out to dinner, even pre-journaled my food and all. Yup, I ate more than I had intended. Those breadsticks did me in. And then I came home and Hershey’s kisses were my downfall. I’d like to say oh well, it doesn’t really matter. I’d really like to say that the little bit I ate isn’t going to affect me. These are most likely true statements. However, what I have to freely admit is that mentally it set me back. I would like to believe that after four months of doing this and generally having such a healthier attitude about everything that I wouldn’t be so hard on myself over a few extra points. Okay maybe like an extra 15-20 points. Anyhow, it really set me back. The way I was mentally beating myself up I actually felt like I hadn’t learned a damn thing and that the reason I can lie to myself and say I am doing so much better is because I haven’t really stumbled in the past four months. The first sign of stumbling and I instantly go back to beat up mode. It really sucked and was an eye opener.

It was the combination of eating 15-20 extra points and then not exercising Friday night that got to me. I was a crazy little mess. However, I slightly recovered Saturday and was trying to work thru my issues of why I was beating myself up so much over something so stupid. I did better Saturday. We ran some errands and then went and picked up amazing cupcakes for the baby shower we were throwing. We also got coffees at the place with the groupon we purchased. I drank a coffee. I couldn’t track or count as who knows exactly. I counted a few points and moved on. We stopped and got Panera Bread for lunch and I got a salad. Excellent. No problems there.

Then of course eventually it was cupcake time. We had a total of 9 different amazing cupcakes and I tried them all. What we did was cut each into 4 pieces. However, ultimately those proved to be WAY too big. We then took the ¼ of the cupcake and cut them in half again. Some types I ate 1/8 of the cupcake, some I just had a bite. Again, there is no way to really track this and that was okay. For whatever reason I did NOT beat myself up over this at all. I really truly had the mindset of this is a rare occasion where I would get the opportunity to sample all these different kinds of cupcakes therefore it’s okay to have a bite of each. It really was okay.

I had a nice time and moved on. As I had made a mental promise to myself that I was going to run Saturday and Sunday and of course Monday (tonight) and Tuesday despite not wanting to run I came home Saturday night and I got on the treadmill. What happened was exactly what I needed. I had one of my best runs to date. Taking a day off really does pay off. I killed it on the treadmill and then I felt much better. Got to love the runners high!

Yesterday was spent couponing. I have to wake up around 7:00 or so to accomplish this and therefore by the end of the day Sunday I am always dragging. We were out most of the morning. We went to Red Lobster for lunch where I was pretty good in my food choices and then we went back to my mom’s to finish up our couponing stuff.

By the time I got home about 5:15 I was truly exhausted and did NOT want to run. I didn’t want to do anything but I remembered my promise to myself and how crappy I feel when I don’t work out so I made myself. What followed was not pretty. My lack of proper sleep and pure exhaustion all around made that one hell of a hard workout. But I got thru it. I persevered and I did it. It wasn’t pretty but it was a workout. In the end my body didn’t care if it was the best run of my life where I felt amazing the whole time or if it was one of the worst runs, the calories I burned were still burned regardless of how I felt burning them. I am giving myself major credit for effort.

I knew tonight and tomorrow night will be easier nights for my to run as I have my normal routine in play. My husband is going out to dinner tonight with his father and grandpa so he won’t be home until late. He then works the late shift tomorrow so I am basically on my own for the next two nights which makes exercise easier as well. Of course I have a lot of other stuff to do. I got down my suitcase but I haven’t even considered what I’m going to put in it just yet. I basically have tonight and tomorrow night because that’s it. I work Wednesday half a day and then as soon as I get home we leave for the airport. No time to be packing anything. I basically must be all packed and ready to go tomorrow night.

After work tonight I am stopping at Rite-Aid to do a little more couponing, hopefully a fairly quick trip all things considered and then I am straight home to run and then deal with my couponing stuff from today. Afterwards I will try and get together some incidentals for Vegas that I need. Meaning, I should try and locate my camera, although a trip like this it might just be okay to use my phone camera. Not sure how many pictures I really need of Vegas, again.

I do intend to weigh myself Wednesday morning and see what my shortened 6 day week has brought me. I don’t know, stress has a tendency to cling onto the body but I am too busy to really worry about that too much. Whatever comes will come. That has pretty much been my motto as of late anyway.

I am pretty much just ready to get on a plane and get out of here for a few days but all in good time I guess. I’ve got two more runs to complete so I can vacation in peace.

Date Night

Well it’s Friday again and shockingly this Friday I don’t seem to be as affected by the Friday slumps of the past few weeks. I am guessing this has something to do with the excitement about actually going on a vacation. I haven’t gotten on a plane to go anywhere since last February when we went to Disneyland. It’s been a year. Aside from even a plane vacation, I haven’t really even taken any vacation this past year at all. I am long overdue so thus the impending excitement.

Anyhow, it is now the afternoon and I am gearing up to go home and enjoy a wonderful date night/dinner out with my husband. We have a pseudo tradition of going out to eat on Friday nights. I say pseudo tradition because nothing is actually discussed of it other than it pretty much happens every Friday night. Tonight we will be going to the Olive Garden due to the fact that last Sunday I went there with my mom and sister and brought home left overs and this prompted my husband to want to go. That always happens. Anyway, he really liked the breadsticks without the butter and was like next time we go out lets go there. I was actually fine with it because I was able to find some stuff on the menu that I can eat. I have already journaled my food for the evening so that is good.

This is the Olive Garden plan:
Minestrone Soup =2 points
Linguini marainara full dinner portion is 11 points, so eating ½ = 6 points (rounding up to be safe)
2 unbuttered breadsticks =6 points
Water to drink
Total points=14 points

I get 26 points right now so I have been pretty good today in order to stick to my daily target points. I also will not be running this evening. I know when to listen to my body and right now it’s at the point where it says, take a break. That and I have devised a bigger picture plan for myself. I ran Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday night. 4 nights is pretty much my limit. Friday night is rest night and dinner to be followed by our tradition of an all new Gold Rush. Yes, I watch a man show with my husband but I really like it.

Tomorrow I wake up and have to prepare for the baby shower in the afternoon. The shower will consist of cupcakes which I will do my best to only sample each variety as to not eat multiple entire giant cupcakes. I must run tomorrow night. No matter what, after the baby shower, tomorrow night I MUST run. Then Sunday is extreme couponing day and again, afterwards I MUST run. Then Monday night and Tuesday night I will run. These nights will be easier to run and I won’t have any problems as I will just do it after I get home. This puts me at my four day limit. Then I get 4 days off as Wednesday I leave for Vegas and won’t return until Saturday night. Wed-Sat is 4 days of rest.

When I return from Vegas I will have Sunday-Wednesday to get back on track and run, which will be 4 days of running. I can live with that. This is an acceptable plan to me. Things flow smoother in my life if I plan them out. Yes, things happen and plans change, but at least to have an overall picture of what is happening helps me out. I am not promising that everything is going to go as smoothly as I have outlined here, but that is okay too. Just as long as it looks something close to this I will be happy.

I have to start at least thinking about what clothing I will be packing for Vegas. According to the forecast it is supposed to at least not be raining (yeah and a change from Oregon!) and it should be in the LOW sixties Wed-Sat while we are there. I suppose I should pretty much just pack the same clothing I am wearing here as I HATE being cold and since the nights look like it will be in the forties s and I will be out at night I should make sure I am prepared for that. Weather/clothing planning is always so difficult!

I guess that’s about it for me today. Basically just looking forward to my weekend and then my impending trip, guess I should really remind my bosses that I’m going to be gone… I mean I wrote it on their calendars so I guess they will know when they call and I’m not here. No, no… I’ll tell them. Next week :)

Dream on a Deadline

Wow, what a busy morning. It is almost 3 PM and I am just now getting to sit down at my desk for the first time all day to do some work. I have been running errands all day long. Today is my mom’s birthday so I did manage to sneak out and have lunch with her and my aunts to celebrate. Anyway, last night I did have my last chance workout where I knocked out another good run. I had a great chicken and avocado dinner. I have really decided that I am completely in love with avocado. Anyway, keeping busy these past couple weeks has really made the time fly by and surprisingly been pretty good too my body.

Today was my weigh-in and low and behold to my complete and utter shock the scale gave me a 2.8 pound loss this morning. That means I am only 1.7 pounds away from losing 50 pounds. I was quite happy about that number. I truly wasn’t expecting it at all. Now the key for me is going to just maintain the next couple weeks to the best of my abilities. This week is going to be quite wonky actually. Saturday is the baby shower and then I have a couple days and will weigh in on Wednesday morning because Wednesday night I will be off to Vegas. That is going to be so HARD on the weight-loss thing. I had a brief discussion this morning with my husband about that.

I pointed out that while in Vegas I do not plan on counting points or being hard on myself. I plan on drinking some margaritas and living my life, but with that said, I also don’t want to use it as an opportunity to binge either. I can indulge, but not binge. There is a difference. I also truly believe that if I eat too much crap food I will feel sick which would make the whole trip not as much fun either. I don’t want to go to Vegas and be all food obsessed. I told him that the truth is, I work hard to lose weight because I want to enjoy my life and be happy. I am happy right now and there would be no point in being going to Vegas and living my life and not have a free treats. It would be torture for me to go and not be able to drink a margarita. I would not do that to myself. The point to losing weight is not to be so stressed about every little thing I put in my mouth that it doesn’t matter if I’m thinner I am still hating my life. No good. I am clearly just talking thru my issues here.

My simple goal would be to do the best I can until Wednesday and maybe see a small loss Wednesday morning? Then the following week I will return from Vegas on Saturday and then I have Sunday-Wednesday to get myself back on track before I weigh-in on that Thursday and the goal would be simply to not gain weight. If I could be the same weight after Vegas I would be happy. It’s good to have goals as I say and good to get them down on paper. You know that whole accountable thing.

Anyway, I can’t believe I have lost almost 50 pounds. That is truly amazing and honestly something I am quite proud of. When I booked this stupid Vegas trip as much as I knew it was possible to lose weight I guess I didn’t necessarily really see myself as being almost 50 pounds down. Sure I set some mental goal and put it out into the universe but it’s just so different to actually achieve it. In 4 months 1 week I am down almost 50 pounds. I am not someone who likes to make a big deal of my accomplishments, but I am just thrilled about that. That means 26.7 pounds left till my goal. I am 2/3 of the way done. I feel really happy about that. But mostly because I just feel so much happier period. Because I am strong and capable.

I can also let you in on another reality. I wear these Old Navy skinny jeans, the Rockstar; I love them with my boots. They are the jeans that I am wearing non-stop these days. Anyway, about a week before I started in October I was so freaking depressed that none of my jeans were fitting so I went to Old Navy and bought like 3 new pairs of size 18 of them. Over the past 4 months I kept having to buy smaller sizes of the same jeans. Yesterday 3 pairs of the same jeans in size 10 arrived and I am wearing them today. That means I have also lost 4 jean sizes. I have a nice collection of these jeans in size 18, 16, 14, 12, 10. Yup, each size I own. Ha! Honestly when I was at my skinniest I had a pair of these jeans that were a size 8, so basically I am only one size away from my skinniest.

I am completely confident that by the time I go to Maui in June I will be where I want to be. I will have lost that 26.7 pounds and I will feel amazing. I know that once I put my heart to it, I am capable of anything. I love Thursdays because I am always filled with such hope and optimism. I guess seeing a good number on the scale does that too you.

So now that I’ve paused a moment to be proud of my accomplishments, I have to pick myself back up and start all over again. I can’t take it as an opportunity to slack at all. So tonight I will get back on the horse or as the case may be, the treadmill and do it all over again. Such is my life. And you know what, I’m actually very happy with my life right now.

Productive accomplishments

Last night I chose me and it felt amazing! I was super productive, super on track and I felt super great. I love it when a night comes together, especially after not really feeling it at all yesterday afternoon. It makes my mood so much greater today. I already feel the added benefits of a fabulous night last night.

My husband worked the late shift which I have to admit sometimes I secretly love. I mean, I adore my husband and I love that we have our time together for sure. Occasionally, like once on a week on Tuesday nights I don’t mind that he works late. I don’t have the pressure of someone else in the house. I get to have some me time alone and it’s nice. Basically the evening went as such… After work, knowing the husband wouldn’t be home until at least 9 PM or so, I actually stopped at Rite Aid after work to grab a few couponing things. Normally I would not do this as I like to get home and immediately get to running, but knowing I had all night I didn’t feel as much pressure.

Anyway, went to Rite-Aid, got some things, came home unloaded the car. It was about 6 PM now. Changed into the workout clothes and ran. I felt great about my run, plus it was Biggest Loser night. I ran 10.65 miles, exactly what I needed! I just needed to log 10 miles to feel happy and I really did. I was a sweaty mess, which always makes me proud.

I felt like I had a checklist of things to accomplish and for some reason I operate pretty good under a list of chores. I guess I don’t get distracted as much if I am keeping to a plan. After I finished my hour fourty five minutes approximately I started phase 2 of the evening. I folded and put away 2 baskets of clothes. Then while in the bedroom I noticed how dusty the dresser tops were so I broke out my Swiffer duster and went to town! I then proceeded into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher and fill it again with dirty dishes. I collected the garbage for garbage night. Then I sorted and put away all of my daily Rite-Aid purchases. This is a chore sometimes! I downloaded my run data from my Garmin heart rate monitor and then I called my mom for 15 minutes or so, something I needed to do. Then I got in the shower and then Chris was home.

Busy, productive, efficient. Happiness. After my shower I had a nice spaghetti dinner and watched part two of the Bachelor this week. Then off to bed. The evening actually flew by pretty quickly. And shockingly the running came pretty easy tonight despite my terrible case of the I don’t want to’s of yesterday. Good run, exactly what the doctor ordered.

You will notice that nowhere in any of this did I say get on the scale and weigh myself. I am actually quite pleased with that. I am actually amazed that this time around with the losing weight I have managed to avoid the scale hoping of my earlier forays into weight loss. It really is shocking how easy it so for me to play mind games especially with the numbers on the scale. I am so much happier this time around. I guess with age really does come some sort of wisdom. By no means do I think I’m wise, but I am getting smarter about knowing myself and thank goodness for that!

I think knowing yourself is half the battle. I floundered around in my twenties as most people do trying to figure out who I really was and what made me happy. I am glad that my early thirties have helped me realize and discover a lot more about myself. I am obsessive compulsive. Always have been and I have learned to help control some of it. And for me that is staying off the scales. For me that is embracing what is good about it and learning to set limits to back off when it overtakes my life a little too much. I swear it is only thru ridiculous determination and a little obsessive compulsive behavior that I manage to consistently stay on program.

I have to say that in the four months of being on my healthy lifestyle endeavor I have not really waivered from my path once. I have not in these four months eaten a burger or had a mixed drink. I have had some wine and some Mike’s Lights, but not a mixed drink. I haven’t had McDonalds once. Seriously. Coming from a girl who ate McDonald’s like 3-4 times a week for the prior year to starting over that is pretty amazing. But what is more amazing is how much I do not miss it, crave it or even think that sounds appealing right now. It sounds disgusting. Truly.

When I go to Vegas next week I do completely plan on getting margaritas, as in plural because that is the best part of Vegas! So yes, I am planning on living. I just never saw a real reason to indulge before then. I still have goals to meet and I still don’t want to feel sick in Vegas so I should temper everything with the reality that I quite think putting something greasy into my body will make me want to vomit.

Hmm… tonight is what I call my last chance workout. Just get thru today, run tonight and then tomorrow morning is my one and only weekly weigh-in. This week wasn’t perfect but I’ll take it. I’m happy with myself no matter what.

Run for me

Last night I did not want to run. I was actually honestly considering not running. I did not run on Sunday so I suspect that it wasn’t really an option for me, but I was close to say fuck it, who cares. But then I made myself run anyway. I am glad I did. It was truly nothing fancy or epic but it was a good run. I ran for an hour solid, sweated my ass off, etc. etc…. I am now running at the faster incline which is producing more sweat so that is a good thing. After running I felt better about life in general. You know, the endorphins giving me that runners high. So I’m glad for that.

It’s now 2:15 in the afternoon and I’m hitting my mid-day slump and right now this minute the thought of getting on the treadmill and running seems hideous. Yes, it seems like an awful chore that I don’t want to do. It’s moments like this when I ask myself why am I cursed with obese genes and therefore have to exercise to stay healthy? Of course I know the reality is that even if I were blessed with skinny genes I’d still have to exercise to be healthy. Weight does not necessarily equal health. They are two quite different topics.

Anyway, as much as I love running something is off today or maybe the past couple days really and I am having to FORCE myself to do it. See, even me, the constant diligent exerciser has to force herself from time to time. Some days it’s so easy and I look forward to it so much and then there simply are days like today where it will be a forced run. I am praying that once I force myself on the treadmill tonight that things will go easier. Tonight is supposed to be my longer run for the week. We will see on that one. I am thinking it will just be a miracle to get on there and run for an hour.

Chris works late tonight and I have last night’s new Biggest Loser to indulge in so the combination of those two factors usually always equals Tuesday night epic runs. I will need a major adrenalin kick or else some miracle to feel it in 3 ½-4 hours. We will just see. I can say that this feeling is pretty typical for a 2-3 o’clock range for me. Maybe I need to play some music to lift myself into a kick-ass mood. I’ll try that and see.

Honestly I feel like I’ve been slacking all week. I already took two days off from exercise this week (my week goes from Thursday to Wednesday for weigh-in purposes). I haven’t had any really epic runs. I haven’t had an amazing eating plan either. I haven’t felt it that is for sure but that’s okay I guess. Some weeks are just like that. I mean on the plus side I have run 3 times, tonight will be 4. I haven’t binged on any foods. I haven’t overindulged in anything. It could always be worse. Say like next week in Vegas :)

The great thing is that at the weight I am at right now, you really start to notice smaller amounts of weight loss. This is the fun part of weight loss I guess. When you weigh 200 plus pounds it takes a large loss to really notice anything. 45 pounds later and I probably will be able to notice a 5 pound loss. My body changes more by the day and I do notice that. That might also be part of the problem with what I was talking about earlier. Kind of my lack of motivation. I am pretty happy right now. I am not perfect, yes I want to lose 30 more pounds, but I feel healthy and strong and happy. Some days I just want to go, no, I don’t want to. I don’t want to work that hard. And for the most part I accept that this is okay, but… and there is a BIG but…. That attitude is what has always led me to gaining 75 pounds. That attitude of thinking I can take a day off turns into two days which turns into 75 pounds. I can’t and won’t do that to myself. Plus, not to mention that I really do LOVE to run.

So with all that said, I really do want to run. I just need to push thru the voices in my head that are little bitches and tell me that I can’t do it, or I’m too tired to do it. No, no…. I am better than that!

It’s Tuesday, I have to get thru tomorrow, Thursday is my mom’s birthday, then I have Friday and then Saturday is the baby shower for a friend. Sunday is couponing, then Monday and Tuesday and then Wednesday it’s off to Vegas. Basically about a week. Yeah for vacations. Goodness knows I really do need one!

Basically I guess I must just get thru today, a run tonight and then I have one more day of this weigh-in week, tomorrow and then I will see what the scale gives me Thursday morning. I will take anything! I am pretty happy with the reality that I have lost weight every single week since starting back in October. I don’t think that is in jeopardy this Thursday but maybe the weigh-in after Vegas…. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Get thru this afternoon, a nice run tonight and tomorrow. That is what I’m asking for right now. I won’t let the negativity enter my head today and I will stay strong!

And with that I have two quotes for the day because they are both so aptly fitting for how I’m feeling…