I had a stumbling block yesterday afternoon. It was the end of the day at work and I was looking thru some old computer files and low and behold came across a ton of old weight loss charts from various points in my life. What is scary is that I have so many of these charts floating around that look almost identical. I was mad at myself… I got really angry… for 2 main reasons… the first being I could plainly see that I am more than capable of getting to goal and well past it and I was mad that I was still so overweight now. I was mad at myself for working my ass off for the last almost 5 months and I still weigh 168 pounds. I was pissed. (I was acting like a rotten child but ya know)
The second reason is when I see them all laid out together like that I realize how much of a horrible yo-yo dieter I really am. It is depressing to know that I have the same exact identical pattern over and over again. Clearly I learn nothing and go right back to a high 190-220 starting weight again and again.
I think this messed up thinking really fucked with my workout last night. Well, that and the fact that I was still quite sore from the gym on Saturday and my body was barely able to do what I wanted. It was not pretty but I did manage a solid 8 mile run nonetheless after struggling and a little longer time frame. It was nothing to write home about but my awful mood did not help.
FYI: I feel better today both physically and mentally and fully anticipate a much better run this evening. Anyhow, back to the topic at hand. These ridiculous weight loss charts. The first one I found was 2008. Feb. 19, 2008 I started again at 186 pounds. I mean, I weigh 168 right now so it’s not that far off. Ugh…. Anyhow I kept at it for 8 months which is actually quite impressive to me and somehow on Sept 23, 2008 recorded a weight of 125 pounds. WTF??? I don’t ever remember being 125 pounds. I feel like it’s quite possible that this is when I was at my worst with my bad body destructive behaviors. I am certain that I tricked the scale somehow!
However, this is also the period of time where I seem to have done the best at maintaining, I don’t have any data from October 2008 until March 2009, when it picks back up on March 19, 2009. This is when I must have book our first Maui trip because the headline reads Maui Weight Loss goal. Anyhow I weighed 139.7 when I started on March 19. This means that between October 08 and March 09 I managed to maintain fairly well. That is 6 months and that is indeed impressive. I only managed 4 weeks of tracking down to 132.5 before it stops. I also recall I think I gave up a little and must have ended up going to Maui closer to 140 pounds. Still I remember the first time in Maui feeling great about myself and wearing that bikini.
The next tracking picks up in May of 2010 where low and behold I weighed 193 pounds. WTF? A year later and I gained back most of the weight. Story of my life. By the end of August 2010 I was down to 153.4 and this is where tracking stops yet again. I think when I get to around 150 I really don’t hate myself so it’s easy to let things go a little. Then there is no tracking from August 2010 until I see a number on March 1, 2001 of 159. Again, not awful I guess. In 6 months I had only gained about 6 pounds. I could deal with that, and that is what I would call fairly successful maintenance. March 2011 is when I booked Maui the second time and was getting ready for my wedding. I only have one measly week of weighing in and it was 156.7 and then there was nothing, no tracking again. I know in the months before my wedding I worked hard for a while and then totally lost it. Based on that 156.7 number I could only guess that when I finally went to Maui I was around 160-165 pounds.
I was happy in Maui the second time and despite not feeling 100% confident in my body and knowing that I weighed more than the first time I was there I was still able to fully embrace the experience. After June 2011 it was a bottomless pit of food for literally almost a year and a half. Culminating in that October 2012 weight of 220.
Notice a trend here, first time I gained weight and started again it was 186… second time it was 193 and then it was 220. Not a good trend at all. Also I was so mad at myself for doing this to my body. What is wrong in my brain that I can’t turn off the eating earlier than 190-ish pounds? That is really an unacceptable weight. I am mad at myself that the only time I really felt happy about my weight was that first time I was in Maui and apparently weighed no more than 140 pounds. That makes me sad. I am sad that today I weigh 168 pounds and that seems like forever to 140.
I know, I am being a whiney bitch. I get it. I am not really upset but this is that moment where I go life is so freaking unfair sometimes!!! I don’t want to and really…. All those sentiments rolled into one. It’s funny how truly one day you can look in the mirror and feel so happy and confident in yourself and the way things are going and then the very next day something stupid can throw you off and suddenly you are depressed and pissed about the way you look. That is exactly how I was feeling yesterday.
I also feel like I have no right to complain because while I am 168 pounds right now and I can be pissed all I want about that, it is a far cry from 220. I have lost 52 pounds already. That is not a small deal really. But I still weigh 168 and that is a long way to 140. Ugh. One can lose 52 pounds and still need to lose 28 to be happy. I also know that if I just keep doing what I am doing that it will eventually happen. I know this but I also feel like I want it now!!!!
I need to stop acting like a brat I know. This is really sickening behavior and completely unattractive too boot. I know I am better than this thinking and I have worked really hard to push aside so much of this negativity in my brain. I have worked really hard and I am really proud of my accomplishments and 9 out of 10 times when I look at myself in a mirror I am happy with the image I see. It doesn’t matter that its 168 pounds. It’s just a stupid number, it doesn’t say anything about what I’ve accomplished or how muscular my legs are or how good I feel about myself. It’s just a stupid number. And who the fuck cares that once in 2008 I was able to somehow get my body into the 120’s…. I am sure it wasn’t good how I did it and I am sure it is not something I would ever be able to maintain. So really, what does it matter then? Perhaps I will feel better about all this when I do lose some more weight, but I can’t not enjoy my life until then.
28 pounds is something I can accomplish. Really 23-28 pounds in the next 3 months is something that is possible for me. I just need to keep going along as I have been and not let this negativity enter my brain. I mean, stress does nothing good for your body. I need to focus on today. I can’t change any of the past anyway. It is the past and part of who I’ve been, but it doesn’t have to determine the person I am now or my future. I am smart and capable and so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I feel so much wiser today at 33 than I did in 2008 at 28-29…. I would not torture my body like I did back then. I have learned to love myself and my 168 pound work in progress body so I need to shut out all the other voices in my head that tell me something different.
Today is a new day and I will be happy for that. I brought a lunch today and I planned for my activities and snacks and tonight I get to watch the new Biggest Loser from last night and run. And physically I feel recuperated and like tonight I should be able to manage a solid make me proud kind of run and that is probably the best thing I can do for myself right now.
All this reminded me of a pinterest that I knew was there and couldn’t be more dead on for what I just talked about… You see comparison REALLY is the thief of joy. I should not compare myself to where I’ve been because it just sucks the happiness out of me.
4 comments:
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Love the quote! Sometimes comparison can be helpful when I start feeling sorry for myself about things that have happened in my past, and then look at someone who really has it so much harder it helps put things in to perspective. Not that I am happy someone else is struggling or that I am minimizing my own issues.
Comparison of my weight at various times is never productive for me and just makes me even harsher on myself.
I had the exact same day yesterday.... so weird that I can look at my body one day and not be too disgusted with it, but the next day I can't even stand looking at it.
I know just how you feel, yet I WISH I had reached my goal/maintained as many times as you. I basically had success with WWs in college and then since then I've been off WW more than on and have driven myself crazy with guilt over it. I highly doubt that is what Weight Watchers would want to promote, but it's true. For me at least.
But I do think you can find a happy medium. I know WW says you can eat ANYTHING, but it seems like one big step you could take would be to work to phase out or greatly decrease certain types of food altogether as you grow this time around OP. Maybe work on less processed foods, less things with high fructose corn syrup, lessen or eliminate sugar, etc?
I'm thinking if you did some of that, then maintenance would be maybe a smidge easier because you wouldn't crave or want to go back to eating junk food once you hit goal.
Just a thought.
I also did a wee bit of work with a life coach about why I eat when I do. It wasn't much, but it's stayed on my mind for over a year now and I do think it's changed the way I eat. I haven't binged in FOREVER, and now I'm starting to pay attention to how certain foods make me feel when I eat them, and it makes me not even want them anymore (i.e., diet soda, really sugary foods- they just make me feel sluggish in the end and make me not want to work out).
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