Anyhow, Dream Big. I started thinking about dreaming and having that BIG goal. Sure I have dreams an set goals for myself but what is the Big dream that I don’t dare actually wish for? If the sky were the limit, what would I dream for? While I am generally happy right now… happier than I’ve been in quite some time, we all can still dream. I suppose that if I was dreaming big this is it… I want to not only reach my goal weight but I want to live there for at least a year, and I mean really live there around that weight and then I want to get a breast lift/implants. Gravity, time, and constant yo-yo dieting have left the girls so ridicously deflated and saggy that I really honestly think it would be money well spent. Yes I know it’s purely cosmetic and of course vain but it’s for me, it would be for me to feel good about myself which is kind of the whole reason that we try to be healthy to begin with. Not for vanity but to feel good about ourselves and happy and healthy.
Anyway, I have been crazy swamped at work the past two days which is why there was a lack of posts. Actually I’m still busy today but felt like I didn’t want to ignore my site for another day. That always happens when you are gone and come back. I mean, real life does get in the way from time to time. That and honestly I was off the past two days. Off like one expects after having just reached a major milestone or taking a vacation. I had a couple days of that whole post vacation let down. I had put so much time and energy into the whole concept of getting to a “goal” for Vegas and once Vegas was over there is that inevitable, “what now?”
Sure, I still have Maui in June which is entirely more important anyway and yes, I still have a larger goal to achieve and all, but it just took me a few days to reconnect mentally. With that said, I have been good since I got home. I have gotten right back on track as I told myself I would. Prior to Vegas I had a plan. 4 days of running before Vegas, my 4 days in Vegas off, and then 4 days of running when I got back. I am happy to say that despite my less than great mental state that Sunday night I ran, Monday night I ran and last night I ran. There 3 out of 4 which means tonight is night 4 and I will run. I do like to accomplish all the goals I set for myself. My eating has been fine too. I haven’t exceeded my points since I’ve been home even if the quality wasn’t exactly phenomenal. Baby steps I guess.
Despite everything I know and have worked for its still shocking to me how hard it can be to mentally get your head in the game. Speaking of those goals and dreams, I realized that in order for me to stay on my game apparently I must always have something I am working towards. I was so motivated by my Vegas goal and realized after the fact that this was a huge reason I was able to stay so focused. Now I must make it about a Maui goal. Therefore I am a little worried what happens after Maui. I am a goal driven person so I must device new and constant goals for me to work towards. That is apparently the only way I can conquer these demons long term.
Let’s face it, I am great at losing weight, I completely suck ass at maintaining it. I need to key in on what makes me successful and bottle that drive for times when it’s harder. I believe some sort of goal is part of the equation. Fortunately for me getting back on track wasn’t that hard physically. Like I said, mentally there is questioning, but I had no problem making myself change into my workout clothes and hit the treadmill. I guess habit is formed and its second nature to come home and just change into my workout clothes. That is nice.
I think part of the problem is that I am scared of weighing myself tomorrow morning. I did the best I could in Vegas, and honestly I don’t think I did too horrible all things considered but I’m still scared. I get those moments where I think there is simply no way I am going to maintain. No way I didn’t gain weight. I think this stems from this is the first time in 4 ½ months that I really allowed myself to deviate from the plan. Of course I have fear. I suppose it will be good for me to weigh-in, even if it is a gain to see that life does go on and I can recover. That is part of life. My brain knows this. It’s just hard to deal with. I actually considered not weighing in this week and letting it go another week just so I didn’t have to see something I didn’t think I could mentally handle. However, after much inner debate and dialogue I determined that I would like to see the number tomorrow no matter what.
These are the facts. I weighed myself a day early last week, Wednesday morning. My Wednesday was absolutely fine in terms of food. I went over by like 2 points. Big deal. No exercise because I was on a plane, etc. I then had 3 days of Vegas which were what they were, but at least I did tons of walking! I ate too much for sure. I then had Sunday, Monday and Tuesday which I did run and ate well. That leaves me with today, Wednesday where I fully anticipate healthy living and exercise. Basically in the end I have 8 days this week and 5 of them were lived pretty healthy. Logically I’m hoping this will equate to at least a maintain on the scale. Monday in particular I was feeling incredibly bloated. I knew it, but fortunately that went away yesterday. No matter what, despite it all, I am actually quite proud of my behavior in Vegas and no matter what the scale says I should be able to deal with it.
There have been plenty times in the past 9 years (since the very first time I went to weight watchers) that I have joined again weighing what I do now. I really want to focus on this next part as being a solid phase 2 where I am working towards a Maui goal, fresh. I need to recommit and refocus again on what got me here in the first place. I am so much happier and healthier.
It’s not a coincidence that my relationship with my husband is so much better right now. Every relationship has its ups and downs, after almost 9 years I have learned this for sure, but when I am happy, we are happy. We seem to be clicking so much better right now and I love that. It adds to my continued happiness. I feel like I want to live my life and that makes me happy. There are just so many reasons why I need, want and WILL continue doing what I’m doing.
I promise myself today and I make this promise to anyone who is reading this that I will not quit, I will not give up, that I am going to keep going. That this is my life, even when I think it’s unfair or I wish I didn’t have to work this hard, that in the end I know it’s worth it and I will continue down this path. That the feeling of being comfortable and happy with yourself is better than anything money can buy and better than any amount of food you can consume.
I actually feel like I have tons of topics to discuss but I am going to save that for another day… actually I am glad that I have tons to discuss because honestly it’s when I have nothing to discuss that I get worried. I promise to not abandon myself or this blog…. (Even if times get tough!)
1 comment:
I think you will be surprised when you weigh in this week... My guess is that you will lose at least a pound. :) If you don't lose anything or even if you gain IT IS OK..... you just move on and then would have a fabulous loss the next week. I think the goal of a boob job is a great way to keep you on track/maintaining after you lose the weight. Also, have you thought about being a Weight Watchers leader? Think about it, you would get paid AND it is motivation to stay at goal.
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