Mr. Destiny

I had a very rough night last night and I mean insomnia. The night itself was not rough. It was actually quite pleasant all things considered. Good TV, good dinner, everything was fine until about midnight. I went to bed about 11 PM and that was fine. I fell asleep and all was good. I woke up at Midnight and started tossing and turning. Could not sleep. Like at all. After half an hour of misery I got up and decided 1. It was early enough to still take an Advil PM which is only used in cases of extreme emergency which was last night and 2. Lying in bed tossing and turning was not productive and I’d be better off getting up and moving around to induce sleep.

From there on out it was rough. Basically because any thoughts you start to have past midnight when you are sleep deprived cannot possibly be good or healthy or coherent. In a nutshell, do not make any life decisions after Midnight. This is a pretty good rule of thumb. I was not making life decisions beyond Midnight but I could not shut my brain off. It seems that late at night the thing I most often contemplate is life and fate and destiny.

I am going to talk about what was occurring in my brain right now and to be honest I feel INCREDIBLY guilty about it. I almost don’t want to talk about it because I feel so petty and stupid bringing it up. However, it is bothering me and I HATE that it is bothering me. I REALLY hate it because it goes against everything I have been saying and preaching and feeling for the past year. Sigh.

Here goes nothing.

In my crazy sleep deprived moments I think about the roads not travelled or those moments that could have changed everything. I know it’s pointless and really counterproductive because ultimately I realize that I am completely in charge of my own life and every decision I ever made was a conscious one that I DID. It was not done to me, nothing was ever done TO me, and I made the decisions that ultimately led me to exactly where I am today.

Then my brain goes to those movies that explore this concept. Mr. Destiny, which is a great 80’s flick that has always stuck in my brain. Not really that well known or memorable, but in a nutshell this man is living an existence and while happy always wondered how his life would have turned out if back in high school/middle school whatever, he had hit the winning baseball in a game and for whatever reason that moment for him was his what if. Well, low and behold the movie premise is that after a drunken night of divine intervention he wakes up with a new life where he DID hit that baseball and his whole life is different. He married the rich popular girl and lives in the giant mansion and at first things seem great. Of course, as it the lesson or morale of the story, he starts to realize that the life he originally had is really the one he wants and nothing is perfect and blah blah blah. You get the idea. But it’s really the concept of one defining moment that could have changed it all. I don’t really have one defining moment of mass parallel life shift so to speak. I have things that I wonder about for sure. I have the idea of how different my life would have been if I had not quit college and stuck it out. That seems to be a large one. I wonder about many moments and many decisions that could have ultimately shifted my entire existence, but who knows.

Have you ever seen the movie Sliding Doors with Gwenyth Paltrow? Again, another smaller more obscure movie as well. It’s this concept of divine fate or intervention. The movie emerges at one moment in time on a London train where two entire versions of her life play out based on the opening of the doors and then them not opening. The entire movie follows two entirely different story lines of her life based on that single event. It’s actually pretty good; or rather I am fascinated by this concept of fate. I have always been a kind of fate/destiny kind of girl.

Like I said, I know it’s ultimately pointless to contemplate the what if’s and we make our own fate and destiny and the choices we make are the correct ones because we made them. Period. I really do subscribe to this line of thinking but late at night our brains I guess must try to find some rationale behind things we are dissatisfied with in our lives. We would not be human if we did not wonder about the road not travelled.

This all sounds so cryptic and vague but I promise there is a point and direction and a thought that was prevalent in my brain last night. And it’s entirely vain and body image related. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that my greatest struggle last night was all mental body image. This is what I hate bringing up because lately, more so the last week or so I have been really struggling with my body image and I don’t understand why. More so than at any single time in this entire last year. Of course, this is when I actually look and feel generally the happiest I have been pretty much my entire life and I’ve been trying to figure out where this general huge discontentment is coming from.

Granted it was like 2 AM at this point and I was beyond tired and physically exhausted so there is no doubt that part of the crazy and eventual tears were really coming from general sleep deprivation but I felt so helpless in terms of my body. Let me explain.

I have worked so hard to accomplish what I have and I am thrilled. And Emily from a year ago would be kicking my ass last night for the thoughts I was having, I am beyond certain of that. But it’s that whole looking down at my lower stomach and seeing SO MUCH loose skin that will not EVER go back on its own. That is my burden to bear. That is my constant reminder of the lifetime of bad choices I made. Again, they were all my choices nothing was ever forced upon me, but I can’t fix it. The harder I try, the more I realize that it is not fixable with all the effort and diet in the world. Sometimes skin is just skin and the damage is done. Then I realize that the only way to ever truly rid myself of this skin is to get a tummy tuck, plastic surgery, which I would totally would do, want to do, etc. However, the cost is a lot. I don’t have the $12,000-$20,000 that it would take to fix my body to rid itself of the past damage. So then my brain goes to, I could get a loan I guess but then my past mistakes have left me with pretty horrible credit and I don’t qualify for a loan of that size. Period. And then the frustration begins all over again.

Fate/Destiny, one life changing decision and I start to wonder if there is a moment in time, a decision that I previously made that would have altered the course of my life to prevent this from happening. Deep down I know that I would just end up with a different set of problems. I know this. The grass is not greener on the other side. It’s just different. But a girl still wonders.

It’s incredibly disheartening to have muscle building and completely change your entire life for good finally and not ever be able to have your outside really reflect what the inside feels like now. I guess as I start to deconstruct the issue it boils down to this…. This is something that I cannot fix. I am not in control. I never considered myself such a control freak but I have to wonder. When I set my mind to something I work my ass off until I get it. Period. I will make mountains move and alter what I thought possible to make it happen. This is something, that despite all of my best efforts, I can’t seem to find a way to make happen. And it is so frustrating that I am contemplating it at 2:30 AM when I should be sleeping.

I have spent my entire life, yes, pretty much my entire existence having no concept of what it’s like to not have a giant flap of either fat and/or skin hanging down on my belly. Try as I might nothing is tight on my body. With the exception of a very rare few areas that seem to be the way the body was intended to function. I realized for the first time the other day that your skin is not really supposed to be able to be stretched and manipulated the way mine does. That people do not generally have that much give in their skin. I am not sure you realize how far out I can pull my stomach skin. I can literally shift the placement of my belly button a good 5-6 inches up or down. Part of me I suppose just always thought this was normal. After all, this has always been my normal. I don’t know what it’s like to not have to tuck my stomach into my underwear. It’s really starting to wear on me. And then I realized that this moment right here, this line of thinking is exactly why I have NEVER been able to maintain and keep the weight off. The longer this goes on, the more cynical and dissatisfied I become instead of the opposite being true.

I wish I didn’t have to admit any of this. Mainly because I wish I didn’t feel this way. I keep trying desperately to see the positive in all of this. I keep looking for the rainbow and silver lining. I know I am being petty and stupid. I know that there are hundreds, hell, maybe even thousands of women who would love to have the problem I am complaining about right now. Me a year ago being one of them for sure. I am trying to not be ungrateful for what I look like, because honestly I do love myself. I do love this version of me. I am just disillusioned by the reality that I can’t fix this. I generally can fix anything I put my mind to, but not this.

I guess the bigger question that I do not have the answer for, is why is this so important to me? Why is it such a big deal if I have extra skin around my stomach? Who the fuck am I trying to impress? I’m not really trying to impress anyone I guess. It’s just such a mental thing that I haven’t quite figured out yet. When I am clothed it’s really not that awful. I actually do look like I have a flat stomach mostly. No one would ever know, so why do I spend so much time thinking about this? I wish I had the answer to that. I wonder if it’s really about fixing what I perceive is broken and erasing all of the mistakes in my life that I have let define me for so long.

I would get the tummy tuck but I can’t afford it and I can’t get a loan because of my past financial history. Mistake upon mistake. You can’t outrun some of your choices can you? I guess that is why in the wee hours of the night or early morning the only choice I have left is to think about what could have been. How I could have done things differently in my life to produce a different outcome today. My Mr. Destiny moment. My Sliding Door. That single moment where I could have changed it all. Not that I believe it exists but sometimes our only comfort is to think about a life where it is different. It’s like playing the game of what would you do if won the lottery. You realistically know it won’t ever happen but from time to time it’s fun to indulge in the fantasy, the escape of how you’d be the best possible lottery winner ever :)

I think I am in a period of grieving and mourning right now and it really has to play itself out. I have to become comfortable with the reality that this is as good as I can do with what I have. Acceptance is not fun when it’s not what you ultimately want. I have to be logical and try and rationalize out the harsh realities. If a magical fairy appeared and offered me a choice between staying exactly as I look right now today for the rest of my life without ever gaining weight etc., or having the magical body that I want but it always being a struggle I would lock in this body, skin and all forever. So I can’t be too upset about things. I know the girl I was a year ago would be so mad to read this post right now. I am certain of that. She would have LOVED to have the problem I am typing out right now. And honestly I feel so guilty. I feel so guilty for thinking this way.

I feel guilty because I know so many more deserving, brave, wonderful woman than me are struggling right now to just lose the weight and would probably roll their eyes over this whiney bitch complaining about lose skin. I know it’s the most petty thing in the world. It’s just, this is my world right now and I can’t help that this is where I am at.

I guess this is my path I must walk because this is the end result of all of the choices I have made in my life. And yes, they were all my choices and if you want to go the destiny/fate route, this is probably exactly where I was destined to end up. This is my ultimate fate. I am sure of that. Maybe I sit here struggling because there is some greater purpose or good to it. Maybe I need to learn a lesson about acceptance and self-love that hasn’t fully resonated yet. I have been preaching about self-love and happiness for quite some time now and so maybe I am being tested. Maybe my resolve is being questioned and I must step up to the plate and fire back with kindness. Kill them with kindness, isn’t that how the saying goes?

I completely know that you accomplish more with self-love than with self-hate. So as the last couple weeks have progressed and my brain has shifted into this negative space it’s no wonder that my body is feeling it more and more, I am not being kind to myself and its showing. I need to find that place of love and acceptance again. I need to embrace how far I’ve come, not how far I have to go, or how far I CAN NOT go. I need to love the strength and courage that I have learned to embrace this past year. I need to count my blessings that I have been able to build any muscle. That my body has allowed me to tighten up as much as it has. That I am physically capable of pushing myself beyond my perceived limits and into new territories all the time. In a nutshell I need to start focusing on the positive instead of the negative. Instead of pinching and grabbing at my excess skin I need to focus on the muscles in my arms that weren’t there ever before. I need to embrace the reality that I run the way I do. I need to smile because yesterday I ran 10 miles in 1 hour 40 minutes and it felt good and comfortable. I need to see all the things I CAN do now, instead of all the things that I may never be able to do.

I am frustrated. Yes. But I am not defeated. I am not giving up. I guess the one thing that I can say is that despite my general anxiety and slight depression on this topic as of late it has never, not even once, occurred to me to give up. There simply is no more giving up anymore. I don’t even know what the hell that means? Gain the weight back? Yeah, that seems like a smart decision. I am ultimately in love with my lifestyle. I am in love with going to the gym and lifting weights and running and being strong and eating well. I am in love with the way I am choosing to live my life and the things I am doing so ever going back is not an option. It hasn’t even occurred to me. When I said this time was different, I feel it to my core, that is the truth. While this may be a stumbling block or an obstacle on the journey of life it certainly is not going to hold me back. I will move forward and keep going because underneath all that extra skin is the heart of a warrior, a champion, a fighter.

I just don’t want to give the illusion that losing weight and being at some magical goal is all easy and life suddenly is peachy keen. We just are fighting a whole new set of battles. Whether it’s extra weight or extra skin or something completely non health related, we are all fighting our own battles each day. What may seem petty and stupid to one person is very real to someone else. It does not make it any less valid or real for them. This is why weight is such a struggle, an addiction, a forever journey. I will have to fight and live with this for the rest of my life so I guess I better start trying to accept it now.

I will try to come back tomorrow with a more positive attitude and outlook. I am going to try and focus the rest of the day on the positive and the good. And if my brain starts to wonder a bit to the what if’s and my destiny moment it’s okay to indulge for a moment but I need to bring it back to reality. After all, I don’t honestly hate my reality. It’s so much better being Emily in October of 2013 than October of 2012. So if I must indulge in fantasy let’s just keep it to thinking about what Emily in October of 2014 is going to look like. That’s a much healthier fantasy to indulge in.