Invincible

I feel amazing today. Like crazy good and happy right now. There is no reason in particular other than I’ve spent the last week not feeling all that great, so maybe my body is repaying me for my crappy mood as of late. Either way, I will take it. I feel on top of the world, invincible. You know all those good feelings that are just about happy crazy enough to make you think that you can do anything you want to. I have a strange suspicion this is also because of the additional energy my body is now sucking down in the form on a Rock star Energy drink. Ah well, I’ll take it.

So Friday it is officially November. That means we have 2 months left for this year. I know you can probably all do your own math and can deduce this on your own but it just feels shocking that we are so close to 2014 now. I feel like I should make some sort of goal and or plan for what I want to accomplish in the last two months of 2013. I am a goal-oriented person after all and definitely perform better when I am working towards something, whatever it is. As I’ve stated before I am pretty much beyond track able number goals, but there has to be something else that I can accomplish. I’ve got like 2 days to decide upon something and I am going to. I don’t want to be one of those people who wait until Jan 1 to set some goal and then peter out. I want to go ahead and get a 2 month jump on it. Not that I haven’t been working on this for a whole year or anything already.

Did I mention that I am happy? Like so ridiculously happy? My therapist told me the other night that I am a very emotional person and that clearly I have really great highs but with that comes great lows. I am fully aware of this concept. She said that it means that I have these amazing bouts of happiness and highs which is great. I just have to learn how to not let the lows be the end of the world. I like my therapist. I really do. I do feel like I am learning a lot there. She said my passion was pretty much a good thing, so long as I am working on dealing with the negative times. She didn’t make me feel like a freak or like I was wrong for being so over the top and I liked that. I liked feeling like something that at times makes me feel like a rare freak, is not actually that freaking. That an educated, licensed therapist told me that I am okay. There probably is a sense of relief in that.

Anyway, today I will take my happy and channel that into all the positive thinking that I have been missing out on lately. Today just because I want to take a moment to say something positive about my body. Despite the skin (I know that is a negative I just said) but whatever, I am really feeling amazed that I am starting to literally feel some quad muscle. You know the muscles have to be getting bigger and/or stronger if I can actually feel them thru all the extra skin! (Ha, have to be a little self-deprecating there) I think what this ultimately means is that change really is occurring whether I can consciously see it or track it or notice it. Let’s be honest, who the hell really notices daily change anyway? We look in the mirror and look no different than we did yesterday. But it’s not really like change isn’t happening. Cause each day I may not notice difference but then put a picture up from 10 months ago and wait, big change. But I didn’t notice it as it was happening. That is pretty much impossible. Therefore one can only reason that even today things are changing ever so slightly. This is quite a comforting thought actually. A reassuring one that allows me to believe that anything is possible.

When I say fuck logic and what should be and dream whatever dream you want; I absolutely mean it. Defy the odds, push harder than you thought possible, etc., etc. I have hiccups along the way in my thinking but generally so I have always believed in the impossible. I believe that if you want something bad enough somehow you will find a way. I am not generally one of those people who gives up or doesn’t fight for what I want. Hard work doesn’t scare me. I like a challenge. What all this means is that someday I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I can have the body I want thru hard work and determination. There are lots of those quotes out there that say your body will not go where your mind won’t allow it. Or something like that. And I whole heartedly believe that. I can guarantee you will not make any progress at all if your mind does not believe it. It’s a very funny thing but your mind is so connected to your actual physical progress that you can’t skimp on either one and expect results.

I believe in order for me to continue growing I not only have to love myself but I have to truly believe to my core, that change is possible. I know logically it doesn’t make sense to think that I can tighten up my loose skin. It logically doesn’t make sense that I can do much more but too that I say, fuck logic. Seriously. Miracles happen every day and plus, it’s not a miracle if you work your ass off for it. Its determination and dedication. Nothing worth having ever came easy, right? If it was easy everyone would have their perfect body. It’s not easy but it’s worth fighting for. I am more convinced of that than ever. While I sit here and type today I may not have all the muscles in place that I want and I may not think change is occurring but I am going to set a mental date for say 4 months from today and check back in. I suspect that things will somehow be different in 4 months. Even if every single day over the next 4 months I don’t see any physical change each day. I am guessing that I will still wake up on that day 4 months from now and be amazed at how much change has taken place from today. That is my point in all of this.

Why have I been selling myself so short? I have changed so much already why should I think that continual hard work and determination would not produce change in another 4 months? It won’t be perfect. It never is and I don’t want perfect. I can tell you this, in all of my unhappiness over my loose skin there is one thing that does not and has never bothered me one bit, my scar on my stomach form my gallbladder surgery. Sure, it’s an “imperfection” of sorts. It will not result in a perfect looking stomach even if I had no loose skin, but it does not bother me. In some ways I think it gives me character. I don’t consider it a flaw; I consider it a battle scar. It was something that happened in my life beyond my control and honestly it was necessary to essentially save my life. My gallbladder was at a really bad place where they had to do emergency surgery to remove it because if I left it untreated any longer the doctor told me it was going to rupture and kill me. Seriously. I have never looked at my scar and been upset by it. I find it interesting that it doesn’t bother me at all, whereas I am hypercritical of my loose skin.

Regardless, I am feeling very happy today and that is good enough for me. I feel excited to go to the gym and have another great workout tonight. I feel positive that my efforts every single day will one day add up to the results I want. Maybe it takes a very long time, but honestly I’ve got nothing but time. Sure, not to be all doom and gloom but I realize I could die today or tomorrow but generally speaking we all have time. We didn’t get ourselves into these situations overnight so we aren’t going to get out of them overnight either. This lifestyle really is forever for me so of course what does it ultimately matter if it takes years for me to achieve the results I want. Is there really ever a stopping place anyway? Once I did achieve the results I wanted, would I stop? Of course not. This is FOREVER. It is much more about how going to the gym makes me feel anyway. And last night I was reminded of that feeling. Strong, capable, happy.

So that’s where I am at today and I am thrilled. I am thrilled to be back to my old self. Yeah!