Where do I go from here

Where do we go from here?

I know I have spoken from time to time of my great love for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I suspect it’s not a show a lot of people really took too seriously, but back in the day it just inspired and touched me on so many levels. Despite the obvious hunting vampires the show really was a metaphor for growing up and Buffy herself was right around my age and we seemed to literally be transitioning thru all the same life events at the same time. Plus she was the coolest most kick ass strong woman and I seriously had the biggest girl crush. You know the kind that are so profound that you follow the persons career and are in love with them forever simply because of a single character. That’s how I feel about Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Anyhow, one of the single best episodes was, “Once More with Feeling.” That was the name of the episode, it was their musical episode. The entire show was sung in musical style. It was amazing. Anyhow, at the end of the episode after the typical monster of the week was defeated, they sang one last song and the lyrics, like most of the lyrics from this entire episode, creep into my head all the time. It’s like years and years later and I still think about the lyrics to an episode of Buffy the vampire Slayer, how’s that for leaving an impact on you?

The song itself was all about okay, so we made it thru this little trivial incident (the baddie of the week in the buffy-verse) but the greater issue of what happens now still remains. Buffy was at a crossroads in her life at this time and trying to figure out what was next for her. Today I am reminded of moment as the lyrics play in my head… “Tell me, where do we go from here?”

It’s a great question I ponder a lot really. I have now officially crossed the year mark, which is pretty freaking huge for me. I am pretty certain this is only the second time in history that I have lasted over a year at staying healthy. Right now it seems so engrained in me, I don’t even think I could stop if I wanted to. My life is so tangled up in this world that it would be a big deal to suddenly stop. Perhaps that is the way it really is supposed to be. That is how you know it’s not a diet but a lifestyle. I feel like I was sitting around waiting for the magical year anniversary mark to pass and now it has and now I want to move forward somehow with something new. I of course am not certain what that is, other than to know that I am never again going to become complacent with doing what I’ve always done.

I somehow stupidly, naively perhaps believe in my heart, to my core, that I am really meant to do something else, something more with this passion I have inside of me. I have felt this way for some time now and I keep trying to figure out what that really means, but I know it’s in there. I know I have a lot more to give to myself and to those around me.

Here’s a true story that perhaps makes me look bad but I don’t really care. There is this young girl at the gym. She is probably like 23-24 somewhere in there. She’s nice and I like her, don’t get me wrong, we are now friends on Facebook, take all the same classes at the gym, etc. She maybe just seems slightly young and naïve to me. I try and just smile and nod at the things she says because I have learned over the last 10 years that I don’t need the constant validation in real life and I don’t need to go, “look at me, look at me.”

Anyhow, she is constantly posting on Facebook and saying in person to people basically how much she is committed to this healthy lifestyle and being fit and how strong she is and how much she can do, and constantly making slightly negative remarks. It kind of puts me off a little. Like statements that really seemed like backhanded slams to everyone around her who is not living a healthy lifestyle. The stuff I try VERY hard to be conscious of and avoid with my own family. I have lived all sides of the spectrum so I really do understand firsthand how hard it is to be overweight and how awful it is for skinny healthy people to act like it’s no big deal to eat well or exercise. It IS a big fucking deal and it IS hard for people. And you don’t need to make yourself feel better by putting other people down. I think that is just part of maturity.

Last night she posted a picture of her with her boyfriend at the gym and was like, “Robert’s first day back at the gym... ha ha... his little workout was my entire warmup... ha ha, he’s so weak.” Now maybe that is the kind of relationship they have with one another, but then it just seems slightly condescending to make yourself feel better by making him sound less than. Why not say, Robert’s first day back at the gym, let’s get working at this! Or something else positive not negative. I try very hard to not be negative.

Perhaps I’m overly sensitive to it because I have struggled my whole life with this. This is a girl who was like maybe 30 pounds overweight months ago and went to the gym and lost weight and now thinks she’s God’s gift to the fitness world. Always posting how she’s working out and you should be to, etc. One night she even posted something that actually got me to respond. She said, I just ran 8 miles in a row without stopping, how many miles can you run without stopping? Probably not that many. I kind of was offended honestly. That felt awful to me. I read the responses and a few people were like good job, I can run like 2 ha. Or ½ a mile. It was obviously designed to make her feel like she was VERY special for her accomplishment. I thought about why this bothered me. If she had simply said, I just ran 8 miles and I feel great, or I ran 8 miles, and I can’t wait to keep going, anything positive I would have responded back, that is awesome, congratulations. Running 8 miles is no joke. I think it is great but it was the very snarky way in which it was said, so I responded back snarky and I probably should not have, “That’s great, 8 miles awesome. I just ran a ½ marathon, so I guess 13.1 miles is how long I can run without stopping.” I didn’t like that it seems her intent was to make someone feel less adequate for not being able to run 8 miles in a row without stopping.

This is what I’ve learned in life; there will ALWAYS be someone who can do better than you. There will always be someone who isn’t as far along in their journey. Don’t judge or make anyone feel bad about their abilities. I guess I wanted her to know what running 8 miles is great and honestly if she’d left it at that I never would have said I ran 13.1 miles. But because she was almost daring the world because she thought no one could do better than her, I felt like I had to put her in her place. Are there TONS of people who can run more than my 13 miles, of course. I don’t think I am all that, but then again, I never challenged Facebook to better me. I would NEVER do such a thing. The answer will always be yes, someone can and does do more than you, ALWAYS.

I think the whole point of this entire story about this girl is this; she wants to be a trainer. She wants to inspire and help other people and that’s fine and dandy, I am sure she does, but she certainly would not be my cup of tea or motivation. With age comes wisdom right. This girl has no idea I weighed 220 pounds a year ago. She has no idea what it’s like to do this for 10 solid years. It changes you. This is her first attempt at losing 30 pounds total. It’s respectable and I don’t want to take any credit away from her. But perhaps she just can’t understand what it’s like for us “bigger” girls who have more weight to lose and have struggled up and down for quite a long time. It’s a whole different mind game. Those are the women I want to help. I see a very overweight woman and my heart breaks and I can’t help but have the urge to want to help them. The only time I ever feel compelled to actually share my story, aside from putting snarky bitches in their places, is when I see a very overweight woman struggling at the gym. I want to tell her that I understand, to hang in there, to stick with it, that I am your proof that it’s possible. Of course, I never do. I would never profess to think that anyone else would really care.

So back to my earlier question, where do I go from here? I may not entirely know, but I am getting more and more certain it involves helping other people in their own journeys, through positive reinforcement. It angers me to see women be so backhanded towards one another. There is no reason to ever tear someone else down to feel better about you. There is enough love and positivity in this world for everyone. I hate negativity disguised as something positive. I ran 8 miles, can you? Really???

And now it certainly sounds like I am judging this girl which is exactly what I was preaching against. Like I said, I actually like her and think she is mostly fine. I do just believe its youth and inexperience that sometimes leads to some of the things she says. I think her heart is in the right place. I do think she wants to help people. I just know that as an obese woman I would not take too kindly to someone trying to “help” me who didn’t really understand themselves what it was like to struggle. I think it’s a weird special little club that no one else is ever going to understand if you have like 50 or more pounds to lose. Just as it’s probably a special little club that I can only partially relate to if you have over 100 pounds to lose. There are certain challenges you will face at every major weight that honestly unless you’ve been there and lived it you aren’t going to understand.

Losing around 85 pounds is not easy and clearly you don’t have an extra 85 pounds to lose if you don’t have emotional eating and something deeper going on. I can respect and appreciate anyone who has 30 pounds or less to lose and it’s quite possible their journey is just as difficult for them, but it’s just not the same mental place as someone starring down large numbers.

I want to help other people. I want to someday be an inspiration to someone else. I want someone to go, because of you, and everything you’ve been thru I knew I couldn’t quit or give up. I knew I could do this. Now I just have to figure out how to get there.