A letter from the future

Greetings from the future,

A letter for Emily on October 5, 2012 from the future

Hello you. I come to you from the future… mwwhhhaa…. Okay, so that sounds so cryptic and stupid, but hey that’s just us and our corny personality that come out on occasion you know. I just wanted to make sure you really believed it was your future self writing this letter. I know today is the first day of a very long journey for you and you are scared. You are frightened and more than anything defeated. I am sure the real emotions haven’t even set in yet because they are shrouded with so much doubt that you aren’t even ready today to admit what is happening. I know, because hey, I am you. I know that today, October 5, 2012, you aren’t even 100% convinced that you want to do this. You aren’t even sure you CAN do this. You’ve spent a little too much of the past couple years failing pretty miserably at this and you are really starting to doubt that it’s even possible for you to get yourself back on track. I know you’re thinking that maybe your time has come and gone and whatever spark you had inside of you that made you successful before at this has come and gone? I know you feel this way because what once worked for you doesn’t work anymore, right?

Remember back to May of 2012 when you went into a weight watchers meeting and told yourself that this was it, you were doing this, and every previous attempt in your life this worked for you, but this time, for some reason it just didn’t work? Remember that awful feeling that you felt after quitting only 2 weeks in? I know you felt that maybe you just couldn’t do this anymore. I know today, as you start your morning and attempt to go thru this very first day eating healthy, that this failed attempt is in the back of your mind. You are doubting your conviction or ability to stick to this. It just seems so hard right? It seems so impossible to go from living the last 2 years of your life drowning your sorrows and feelings in food to going cold turkey and eating vegetables and fruits right? Who the hell wants to eat the good stuff and give up the bad stuff right? (Here’s a secret, YOU actually do want that, I promise you that)

I know today you aren’t even willing to admit to anyone what you are doing. I know that it will actually take you days before you want to exercise (and boy do I have a story to tell you about who you are going to become in a year’s time, but we’ll get to that). I know it will actually take you weeks before you can even admit out loud to the most important people in your life that you are trying this again. I know you’re embarrassed and ashamed of what you’ve done to your body. I know you hide out in your house instead of going out in public for the simplest things because you are afraid of people judging you, but if you look a little deeper you’d probably realize it’s because you are judging yourself, am I right?

I know you recently had to go buy size 18/20 jeans and that scared the shit out of you and made you cry. I know you had a moment where you thought just fuck it, give in, and accept that genetics are against you and you will just spend the rest of your life fighting this awful disease (obesity is a disease) and that it’s just the way you were destined to be. I know right now, this very minute, you are safe guarding your heart by not wanting to believe it can be different, in case you fail. I know all your secrets. I really do. I know the mental games you play.

I also know how hard this is. I am not promising you it’s all smooth sailing, but I want you to smile today Emily because in 1 years’ time I can promise you this, you will get thru this, you will survive and you will be the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Did you hear me right, it really is so important it bears repeating, you WILL be the woman you’ve dreamed about.

I know this is the hardest step, I know this is the toughest time you’ve ever attempted to lose weight, that this one was really the big one on so many levels. You have failed at this process and you are scared to do it again and gain it back. You also are terrified of the scale. I know you can’t even weigh yourself can you? I know that you started eating healthy today but that it also took you a solid week of eating well before you actually felt confident enough to step on that scale where, spoiler alert, you will see 220 pounds. And that is AFTER a week of eating well. But that doesn’t really surprise you, does it? You knew it all along. You also knew that when you went to that weight watchers meeting in May of 2012 that you were like 226 pounds, the highest weight you have EVER weighed, like EVER. So 220 doesn’t really shock you does it? But I’m also here to tell you, it doesn’t destroy or define you either. It was only a number. And for some crazy reason this time your brain didn’t get too obsessed over that number. Something inside of you is changing.

I believe that all of our previous failures at this and the two year span prior to this day, struggling, failing, were all necessary to make you the woman you are today on Oct. 5, 2012 finally ready to do this. And you are ready. Please don’t doubt that. Today, you are more ready than every previous attempt rolled into one. Your doubt is evident but underneath it is a true champion. That fighter you’ve always been. She’s still in there, buried by piles of fat, but she’s in there. She’s honestly kind of waiting to burst out, like for real this time.

I am sure you don’t believe me, but in a year you are going to refer to today, this moment as “the big one”. This one simple little decision to eat good for just today has this ripple affect so far reaching on your life that you are going to cry realizing it a year later. It’s the seemingly small moments that can sometimes change us the most. Today is certainly one of those days.

In the months to come, you are going to doubt yourself, you are going to love yourself, you are going to realize that you are more important than the number on the scale and you are going to succeed because somehow, for some crazy reason, this time really was different. But you kind of knew that all along anyway. You spend the first 2 months, quietly establishing your footing back in this world of eating clean and healthy and exercise. I promise you that your love of running is very real and still very much exists. It doesn’t take you too long to feel that runner’s high and after about a month or two you are back to running for an hour a night and loving it. Despite your size you can run.

After two months you remember that part of your true success has always revolved around blogging your struggles and out of nowhere for no good reason you quietly pen your first post 2 months to the day on December 5, 2012 on your blog. You are certain there is not a soul in the world who is going to read it but it wasn’t for them anyway. It was for you. So you blog about the reality that you had gained a bunch of weight and you were returning to this land, not really even understanding what that fully meant at this point. But hey, you are 21 pounds down. You heard me right, stick with it. 21 pounds in 2 months and you are actually pretty happy.

That’s the thing, you were relatively happy pretty much this entire journey for some crazy reason. For certain there were days of struggle and massive self-doubt, but more often than not you found yourself learning to truly embrace your changes and love the little things day in and day out. With age comes wisdom and somehow embarking down this journey as a 33 year old woman was vastly different than the 23 year old girl you were the first time around. The 10 years have proven to be a blessing in disguise because I promise you this, for the very first time you were doing this the correct way.

I vastly remember the early days where you’d catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wonder if change really was occurring, but I promise you, it will happen. And like every previous time before, when you finally really decided to change; you do. That probably would not be shocking to you to read. The more shocking part is this; you love yourself and your body more now than you have EVER in your entire life.

Eight months later you achieved your weight loss goal and the scale technically said what you wanted it to say. Mission accomplished right? Unfortunately I am here to tell you, wrong. Because while you sit here on October 5, 2012 reading this message from beyond I am certain you believed that was the ultimate end goal. What this entire journey has taught you, finally, is that there simply is no end goal. Do you even want to know what happened after 8 months of this?

That little voice inside of you, that one who makes you a champion; the one who is your inner athlete, your warrior, she was starting to make herself heard. I know you know what voice I’m talking about because you’ve had run in’s with her before in your life you’ve had brief moments of introduction to one another. But something always got in your way of fully finding her. She danced with the devil so to speak and you have always lost; until now. The thing is Emily, all those strong amazing women you’ve admired your entire life, you are becoming one of them. You’re journey, after 8 months brought you to exactly the same place you’ve been to many times. That place of; I’m at goal, what now? Where do I go from here? While you toyed with alternate choices in the past, ultimately you settled for the tried and true path. You know what I’m talking about.

After 8 months of running your ass off, literally, you knew something different had to be done to get the different results for yourself. But all along during this process you know this time really is different. You spend month after month consistently blogging about your journey and your weight loss and eventually realize that you are not alone. Remember that first post, certain no one was reading, turns out someone was reading this. Turns out quite a few people were reading this. And somehow that kept you going too.

So standing at that crossroad, inner fighter rearing to go, flirting with escape, you made a different choice. A remarkably brave choice for you. You are so much braver than you’ve ever thought. The path you have walked the last four months of this journey have been life changing; so much so, that their simply is no longer any chance that you will EVER go back to your old life. Your strong woman; your inner athlete, your warrior escaped full force with such conviction that there is no way to ever tame her again.

At some point during this journey you will wake up one morning and realize that you are now a member of a club that seemed completely out of reach to you. You are truly an athlete who champions physical fitness and health and well-being above all else. All the cliques have become true for you, it is not about being skinny or thin, it’s about being healthy and strong.

I know today, on this very day, where you take the first steps towards this future woman it’s hard to imagine exactly what I’m talking about. I am certain that you will have no idea what you will eventually come to look like. Physically you have never looked like this, but what is so much more important is that mentally, emotionally, fundamentally on the inside you have never been this beautiful. You won’t believe what you will accomplish in one year’s time. If only I could give you some idea of what a difference a single year could make I doubt you’d be as anxious today as you really are. If you could really read this letter from your future self, aside from the obvious breach of the time and space continuum which would most likely result in the damnation of existence, I hope you’d find the calm peace that you now have.

One day Emily, you will wake up happier than you ever knew possible because you love yourself. You love yourself to get out of your own way. You’ve figured out one of the biggest road blocks to your own happiness was the ones you put in front of you. You’re done with that now. Do you know what else you did in one year’s time, you ran a half marathon? Like outside, in public… And guess what, you weren’t really embarrassed or ashamed or really self-conscious. Guess what else you did, you signed up to go to Vegas to run another one, with even more people, in a place that has historically made you the most self-conscious you’ve ever been in your whole life.

If only there was some way to hold your hand today, when you take these first steps towards this future woman you will be, just a year later, I would tell you how eternally grateful I am to you. That as brave and strong as I feel today, that really you were the brave and strong one. Even though I know today you don’t feel it at all, you are braver and stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for. Thank you for taking this step today because without you today, I could not be me today. You made this happen. You really started getting out of your own way a whole year ago when you let go enough and decided that today was going to be different. You put the wheels into motion on what was to come. You are the single reason that we are who we are today, a whole year later.

If I could give you this letter for real, I have to say that I am not certain I would because you probably needed to learn every single one of these lessons for yourself. On second thought, here is my real letter to my past self,

Dear Em,

Thank you. You don’t know it yet but our lives are about to change drastically and I couldn’t be more proud of you today. Hang in there. Everything you ever wanted is within your grasp. Just love yourself.
Love- your future self

Short, simple, direct. I am certain any version of me would not believe I’d write so little and therefore completely disregard the note as being authentic but you get the idea.

Oh one year old self, we’ve come a long way baby. I just don’t have enough words to thank you for your bravery and your dedication. You are a role model, you are my role model. There are many days when I think back to you, that very girl you are today and try to muster enough as much strength as it took you to do what you decided to do. She is the girl I admire, the one who was facing these seemingly insurmountable odds and went for it nonetheless. She is the girl I never want to forget.

On this one year anniversary of you, I am proud of the woman you have become and the possibilities for our shared future. We are going to do amazing things, I can feel it.

All my love;

Your very happy future self