Peace and Clarity

Sleep deprivation is a CRAZY thing. It does insane things to your body, but mostly your brain. I don’t think I mentioned that the reality is last Thursday I started to feel really sick and yucky. By Friday I was a full blown hot sick mess. Head cold, runny nose, overall ache. Friday night I came home and planted my ass on the couch and just was not there. Sleep was okay, but then Saturday I felt better and had a great workout. But then Saturday night not very good sleep again. Then of course Sunday night was just a terrible mess of lack of sleep. The point is this; I have been functioning on not enough sleep for my body period. It is taking its toll and resulted in some pretty messed up thoughts.

Last night I got much better sleep, finally, thankfully and this morning I woke up seeing things more clearly. This is probably also after a really good therapy session last night. I actually walked out of therapy feeling much better than when I went in and I didn’t even know I was feeling so unattached or removed and suddenly after having just talked and vented and listened to myself out loud I somehow felt heard and a sense of calm and peace washed over me. The combination of these factors resulted in this morning waking up with a feeling I have been greatly missing the past week, Hope. Resolve. Determination. Acceptance. Love. Overall Peace.

I think it was a chemical imbalance in my brain brought on by a few external forces mixed with an acute lack of sleep that was causing my brain to twist and turn and be ungrateful and generally speaking that is just not me. It’s nice to take a moment to realize that even the best of us, with the best of intentions, get carried away sometimes. I have to work very hard to curb my crazy perfectionist tendencies and mostly I have greatly improved but they still lurk underneath. My perfectionist ways, which were illustrated yesterday, is what I lived with on a daily basis for years, every previous attempt at weight loss. That obsessive, over the top thinking is what has always gotten me in trouble in the past. How can anyone possibly live up to those unrealistic expectations? It was good for me to see a reminder of how crazy I can get in my brain and to learn to cope with that imbalance and rein it in a little bit. I can promise you this; I have zero desire to ever go back to a lifestyle that embraces that line of thinking. It is not only completely unhealthy for me but ultimately completely futile. That is working from a head space of negativity instead of the positivity that I have learned to embrace this past year.

It’s easy to think somehow that you are going crazy and no one understands you. It is so nice to be sitting in a therapy session and have your therapist explain it back to you in an analogy that completely makes sense and you realize that someone else really DOES completely understand and therefore you can’t be all that crazy if someone else sees it and understands why you are behaving the way you are. I guess it’s nice to just know you are not alone from time to time, right? As much as I use this world to connect with other people on their journey, as a tool to help me on mine; the bottom line is that no one else completely knows what it’s like to be inside my head and some days it just gets lonely up there.

Upon a lot of thought on the topic yesterday this is what I came up with…

This last weekend in particular I was starting to feel a lot of distance between my family and me because of the being healthy thing. We are much more connected obviously when they are trying to be healthy and concerned about their food. I don’t expect anyone else to be as full force as me, ever. Never have been. I do my best to not bring it up and focus all of my energy and attention on it when I am around them. When they are trying to be healthy they are obviously not bringing foods and making questionable choices around me. This makes life easier. I honestly can live with their food choices. I have to learn to be strong enough to not give into pizza temptations if I don’t to. Sometimes I want to and that is perfectly okay. I think what was really eating at me was the subtle comments that were hurled at me this weekend that I didn’t realize ultimately affected me so much. I am sure they didn’t realize it either. It was the rolling of the eyes and asking snarky, “How long did you spend at the gym?” or “You’re not going to eat that because you just spent hours at the gym.”

At the time I let this roll off my back, but in hindsight it just creates distance because I feel like I am being judged for being healthy. No one likes to hang out in an environment where you are punished for your choices, good or bad. This is why I try very hard to never punish them for any of their choices, but I just felt the opposite. Like I was somehow the outcast or mutant for choosing to spend my time at the gym instead of going to breakfast with them or watching a movie and eating pizza.

In a nutshell, I felt alone and like this journey was very isolated for me. Then I start to think about the people that I do most closely relate to. My gym people who share the same views, who understand about commitment and that exercise high and pushing yourself, etc. Sometimes I take it too an extreme. It’s hurtful that the people I love most in this world can sometimes be a negative sabotage to my journey. It’s hurtful that sometimes I feel like I am the freak for trying to be an active healthy person. I am constantly given the impression that they feel I am not living my life by spending so much time at the gym or not going to restaurants with them. Like I am not living. And I feel the exact opposite. I feel like I am actually fully living my life the most I ever am when I am at the gym. Feeling amazing, and alive, and active. That it’s only when I care about this stuff that I feel the strength and courage to live my life the way I want. That I feel powerful and strong enough to go out and embrace life. For me living is not, eating crap at a restaurant. And for the record I go out to eat at least once a week, it’s not like I am avoiding life or food or restaurants. Hell Saturday night it was Red Lobster for this girl. Previous Friday was Mexican food in all its greasy glory. I just don’t need to constantly have my life revolve around my restaurant meals. For me, there is more to living than just that.

I think all of this feeling isolated lead to my crazy bizarre body image issues. Our brains are quite messed up at times. Fixing my stomach does not change anything on my inside. I am completely aware of that. However, with that said, it is still something that I very much would like to do for me someday, at some point, when and if all the factors line up. And I can stress about money or it happening all I want, but like everything else in my life, if I really want it, if it’s really supposed to be, I will find a way. It will happen. But until that day there is no sense constantly beating myself up about it. It won’t change my inside but sometimes a little vanity is just that, a little vanity and that is okay if it’s for the right reasons.

I am happy with myself. I really am. I may not always be happy with the process or journey but that is actually life I am referring to. Life goes up and down and our brains go right along with it. Yesterday or Sunday night was just the full on emergence of the shit storm coming full force and exploding. Once I let go of some of the steam, once I thought it out, was able to vent a little, and understand where stuff was coming from, I instantly felt better. I felt relief. I felt the emotions subside and I felt my normal thought process return to my head. I am not perfect. I am never going to be perfect. I really do accept that. I am however strong and brave and a fighter. And while I won’t ever achieve perfection; I can achieve great things. Hell, I already have achieved great things. I will continue to fight for myself and defy even my own expectations because that is the kind of person I am. I am not going to quit. I am going to keep going and getting stronger because I have faith that no matter what this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life, for myself, for my body. This is the happiness that I want to live. Even without any physical change ever again, I love what exercise and health does for my mind. I love how it makes me braver and more courageous than I ever believe I can be. It makes me think I can do things like fly to Vegas and run half marathons. It makes me think that I can do anything I choose to when I put my mind to it. That is not by chance, that is by continual work and effort. This lifestyle gives me that and without any further physical changes, I wouldn’t trade that feeling for anything. So I will keep going and let life happen. Change will happen. Change is inevitable.

That is the beauty of life. Change is always occurring. ALWAYS. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes is subtle, sometimes physical, sometimes mental. But rest assured every single moment I spend making healthy decisions brings about the transformation of my life. I am happier than I’ve ever been, barring the occasional mental set back here and there. I feel like I am on the right track. While I hate the mental breakdowns, the positive take away from it is a healthy reminder of how far I’ve actually come and how much I don’t want to be that girl who is that obsessive and self-loathing anymore. And frankly, I am NOT her anymore. It was a good reminder of how important mental stability really is. Yes, I hate my excess skin, but not enough to hate myself. Not enough to undo all the progress I have made. Not enough to ever go back. Because the inside is so different in me now.

My optimism has returned today and I love it. I am actually smiling today and I realized that I didn’t smile yesterday. Shame on me. I am feeling powerful and happy and excited to go to the gym tonight and lift heavy things and better myself. I am remembering how much I just love existing in this world, in this mental head space of positivity. Today I feel like, fuck logic, fuck reason, fuck what they say can and cannot be done, because I am going to prove them all wrong. I AM going to be strong and fierce and I believe that I can do anything I put my mind to. I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to change my life.