I actually totally freaked out yesterday afternoon still. Something was not at all right in my head. For lunch I had to leave the office and I went to a park and just sat outside to try and calm myself down a little bit. Stress, nerves, that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach. Impending doom without so much of exactly knowing what is coming. All not good. Not good at all. I had to literally just keep breathing, I was having a mild panic attack. Stress is ridiculous. Not good and ridiculous. BUT, I needed to calm the fuck down and remind myself that I am only human. That this too shall pass. That having an off week is perfectly acceptable.
I mildly freaked out and did NOT want to go to the gym last night which is so not like me in the grand scheme of things. But ultimately by later in the afternoon I was able to calm myself down enough to make it to the gym. My heart wasn’t in it at all. My body still felt weak and tired. Exhausted, physically and emotionally but I pushed on. I decided to warm up with just a 1.5 mile run. And I slowed it WAYYY down. So that I didn’t feel like I was going to die. Just did a 5.5 mile per hour pace and it was fine. I actually felt okay and did 1.5 miles without too much effort and for yesterday that was all I needed. That’s all my tired stressed body could endure. Then I did some leg work and then I took a class with Amanda. Nothing fancy but what should not have winded me did so I knew my body was still fighting off whatever infections have overtaken it. Stress. After class I was like fuck this, I’m done. I mentally checked out and thus went home. Like a total of 75 minutes probably and 400 calories burned. Fine. Good enough.
My body is under undue amounts of stress and I hate it. I think freaking out about exercise is causing even more stress because I have this lofty goal of 26.2 miles ahead of me and it scares me that I can’t seem to do shit right now. But it’s just not fair to get too upset at the moment given all the factors at hand. I am officially calling it good and going to regroup upon my return from Vegas.
Today I packed clothes and was seriously going to go to the gym but then life happens as it ultimately continues to happen. Right around lunch time today I got a text message from my Aunt sent out to all my aunts and uncles and cousins (there are a lot of them, it’s a rather large family) saying that Grandpa is really doing poorly and they are looking for volunteers to take shifts this entire weekend so that he is not alone. He’s at the point where is not all there anymore and starting to behave very irrationally. Thus I instantly felt bad because I am literally leaving tomorrow after work and gone until Tuesday which in all likelihood he very well may pass during this timeframe. I don’t know because no one knows with any certainty but it’s quite a possibility. I know the stress is killing my mom which just makes me cry.
I immediately dialed my mom after receiving the text message. I asked her if she was going to see Grandpa after work tonight (I pretty much knew she was) and she said yes. I said would it do any good for me to come and see him? This is pretty much my only opportunity tonight since I will be gone. She said yes, please come. So no gym for me tonight as I go and kind of say goodbye to my grandpa. She told me last night was a very rough night, that at like 10 PM she got a call from my grandpa’s care facility saying that Grandpa had somehow managed to make his way out into the hallway. (No one really knows how because he is VERY frail and pretty much can’t walk or move on his own) and was literally freaking out in the hallway yelling for my mom. He just kept yelling for her saying he needed to talk to her. My mom and one of my aunts have pretty much been taking care of him. He said he couldn’t call her, he couldn’t get his phone to work so he was just standing in the hall having a temper tantrum calling for her.
The nurse called her and put her in the phone with my grandpa. She told him she’d be there in 10 minutes. He’s close by. So she went to the facility to see him. When she got there she had to calm him down, he had quite worked himself up and basically what she could gather was that he was so upset because he wanted to go home. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He was delirious and delusional seriously though and didn’t really even know where he was. He just wanted to call my mom to have her come and get him. Breaks my heart so much. Also it was discovered that he couldn’t use his phone to call her because he was trying to call her with the TV remote. How sad.
There have been reports that he is hallucinating things left and right, like rats in his room. He keeps telling everyone look, right there, it’s a giant rat. It is beyond sad. I could hear the heartbreak in my mom’s voice and I instantly wanted to cry. I told my mom I would come right after work and be there. Not that I can do anything other than be there. But as soon as I hung up the phone, I let the tears come out of my eyes. This is beyond heart wrenching to experience. The pain I feel for my mom as she is losing her father. The thought of a poor old man so sad losing his mind standing in the hall calling for his daughter because he is helpless. This is sad beyond anything I can imagine. And I’m stressed and worried. But there isn’t a single thing I can do. I guess but be there for my mom. Any amount of exercise can wait. One day doesn’t matter, but going to say goodbye and being there for my mom matters so much more.
I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m leaving this weekend but there are simply no guarantees in life or no schedule. I knew this was a possibility when Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer about 8 weeks ago. I had already booked the trip at that point. There is nothing I can do, so as mom says we can’t quit living our lives so things will go on as they must. But I think realistically this whole situation coupled with my body actually getting physically sick from allergies has really pushed me over the top. I think I honestly need this break/vacation more than I realize. I need to relax body and mind to heal a little.
I’m looking at this as this is the time for me just enjoy myself not care about diet or exercise and then when I return on Tuesday it will be a fresh restart so to speak. I have finally committed to a training plan. Asics has an app an I put in all my information and they developed a very doable little plan with 4 runs a week that I can follow. It’s actually easier than anything I would really do on my own so I figure if they say this is supposed to be enough to get me “trained” or able to do a marathon then I am going to accept that. And if I follow this plan given it’s a real official training plan then I am going to feel better or more capable on Sept 20 when it happens. It officially starts on Tuesday May 5 with a very easy 3 mile run. In fact it says I only need to run 13:54 minute miles which is way too slow for me and I would literally never be able to slow myself down to that pace. But it takes some of the pressure off from feeling disappointed if I can’t run 10 minute miles right away (especially after a Vegas vacation!) So I will ease into it and I feel almost relieved with this training plan. It’s really manageable and I will feel like I am actually working towards a goal.
It even has a printable calendar which I did print and little boxes to check off the runs which makes me incredibly happy! I love checking boxes off. I feel like I can realistically accomplish this training plan! And I can even get in lots of lifting with this plan as well so that makes me extra happy. It’s very realistic for me. This girl has 22 weeks (from May 5) until my marathon and I can totally commit to being in training mode for that long. I’ve got this. And that relieves some of the stress I’m feeling. Most all of it is utterly realistic and have me running at very normal comfortable paces. Training for a marathon is very different than training for any other distance. It’s such a long way to go!
So my Training officially starts May 5. My first of a total of 89 training runs on my plan. 22 weeks. 89 runs. 461 miles. I’ve so got this! So that is where my head is at today. This relieves a small fraction of stress. So what if the last 2 weeks have sucked a little. I now have purpose and a goal. And I can forgive the floundering the last 2 weeks. Because I am fully committed and invested in this training plan.
I am pretty much just hanging on for dear life now for the rest of today and tomorrow. I am going to go see Grandpa and then I have to go home and pack this evening. And then tomorrow I have to get thru work and then after work I load up the doggies and drive to Chris’s dad’s house because we have to wake up VERY early Saturday to catch a flight to Vegas. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.