Motion Sickness on the ground

I thought I was feeling better yesterday and for the most part just walking around I was but then I went to the gym after work and suddenly my body went into freak out mode.  It’s like at every turn my body was struggling not only for energy but for breath which just sucks.  I am not used to any sort of struggle like that. The best I can equate it to is that I really must be still be sick and fighting against my body.

I started running. I put it at a 6.1 and I ran for 15 minutes. It was horrible. I was fighting every second of it. Trying to hang on for dear life.  But I felt like I couldn’t breath and my heart was going to explode. Not a good feeling at all. Actually not a feeling I am used to at all. I paused the machine. I had to bring my 176 bpm heart rate down.  More importantly I needed to catch a good breath.  And then I started again, this time slower.  I was bound and determined despite what my body was telling me that I had to get in a 3 mile run.  I just had to.  So I pressed on for another 8 minutes or so until I felt like if I didn’t hit pause on the machine I very well might pass out. So I paused. Drank some water, let my heart rate come down and then started again.  This time I finished up the 3.1 mile run but it was literally horrible. Yes, it was 3.1 miles in like 33 minutes.  Not great, but not awful awful.  But how I felt was awful awful.  It’s that whole inner ear/fluid in my lungs most likely.

I keep having that feeling like if I move to rapidly in any direction my head whooshes and I am going to fall over. It’s like motion sickness being on solid land.  It’s been going on for days.  I asked Amanda if light headed and dizziness were curable with any particular foods.  Not really. She said she pretty much guessed it was my allergies wreaking havoc on my body.  I concurred.  After I did my 3.1 mile run I headed to the weights for some upper body work.  I did a mismatch of exercises and they were all much harder than they should have.  I felt drained and tired.  I felt like an idiot honestly. It is NOT supposed to be this hard for me. My stamina is so much greater than this.  I was just pooped.

So after about 45 minutes of this I finally decided enough was enough and called it good. I had burned 500 calories and this was all I was going to be able to reasonably accomplish in one night.  I wish I could get over this horrific feeling already. I felt great amazing on Friday night and that was about it for a week solid.  I can tell I’m off my game. My head and heart want to be in it but my body is objecting.  There’s not much else I can do at this point but keep plugging along and do what I can do.  Someday I will get it back. Someday I will feel good again and I am looking forward to that day. Geesh.

For now I am just plugging along anyway for this week until next week and after I return from Vegas so that I can focus on really diving in and accomplishing some goals.  This week is sort of a throw away anyway.  So for that reason I am experimenting with foods and my diet and really trying to focus my energies on that instead of exercise which is proving to be much more challenging for me than it should be.

Everything I really know and everything one reads and everything that I have ultimately experienced in 10 plus years of yo-yo dieting tells me that any sustained weight loss or improvement ultimately comes from diet.  Exercise is the icing on the cake and very important for your overall well-being and for me my mental health but ultimately change comes from food intake. 

Clearly I might be one of those girls that once a week needs a cheat meal.  Or else I spend one day/evening binging.  If I would just suck it up and allow myself one bad meal things might go smoother the rest of the time. Actually I’ve slightly always known this about myself.  You can’t take the fat girl or rather food lover out of my system completely. I still need to feel like I can have those things.  But I don’t mind eating healthy most of the time.

For some odd reason this morning none of my Smart One’s or Lean Cuisine breakfast things were sounding good at all.  And then all of a sudden my brain had a hankering for oatmeal. Like somehow low sugar Quaker Oat Brown sugar oatmeal was the most delicious thing in the world.  It just sounded amazing. And it freaking was!  It’s funny how if you don’t have something for a long time rediscovering it proves to be crazy amazingly good.  I honestly felt like I was indulging in a wonderful treat.  I of course had to add some crunch with some slivered almonds.  Yummy! And it was so freaking good and I felt so satisfied so ultimately it is possible for me to eat good for you stuff and feel happy.

This is a good thing to learn for myself.  Of course all this goes out the window come Friday when I embark on my Vegas mini vacation.  BUT, hopefully I can retain that feeling upon my return.  I’ve got goals to crush. I’ve got marathons to plan for. Okay, one marathon. But I’ve got a lot of half marathons to run.  Actually May 10 I have a half marathon in Eugene.  Yup, I will be running the weekend I get back from Vegas which slightly scares me.  Won’t be my prettiest time but I will do it.

I actually weighed myself last Thursday and I intend to weigh myself this Thursday and we will see how that goes. Once a week is highly enough for me. Actually it might even be too much honestly.  Makes me such a nut job and focus on all the wrong things.  It’s truly better to focus on the positive happy things, the small changes that I make that make me the best/or better version of myself.  The scale is arbitrary and retarded and I’ve always known that. BUT it’s so hard not to give it significant power in your life.  We’ve learned to judge our whole self-worth and existence on a stupid number.  Back peddling from this mentality takes years and years of self-control that is only marginally successful at best.

Baby steps. Just keep taking those little baby steps.  It’s the best you can hope for. And for the love of God I wish I could quit comparing myself to others.  That’s a whole other freaking battle unto itself.  I can’t ever be like anyone else because they aren’t me. We are made the same way. And yet… oh and yet…  someday I will wake up and just be beyond thankful to be exactly who I am, where I am at.