Deep Thoughts by Emily Canady

Finding any amount of continual balance and happiness in life is really a hard task.  On one hand I’d say it shouldn’t be that hard. You should just be happy most of the time effortlessly. And then sometimes I realize that life is just hard period and around every turn is another obstacle.  I am not certain which is more the reality.  I guess it depends on your outlook on life mostly. You know that glass half full or half empty kind of deal.  What moves you, what motivates you. What makes your life worth living for.

I don’t live to work. That much is certain. Work is quite honestly the necessary evil in order for me to get to the good parts of life.  As much as I love working out and being healthy and a lot of my life is lived in pursuit of that, ultimately I suppose it is not the reason I live either.  I work out to give myself the ability to do the things that I live for.  Figuring out those things that make your life worth living is such an ever changing tedious battle.  At the end of the day my happy place is a gorgeous beach, sunglasses on, the warmth of the universe, sand between my toes, loved one by my side.  This is the forever goal.  The forever goal can only be achieved through various amounts of day to day living, but I suspect this is what I am living for.  Being able to get to those moments of true bliss.

True bliss is surrendering yourself to moments in time that take your breath away.  It’s the beach in Maui, its flying over the canopy on a zip line in Mexico, its crossing the finish line after a hard fought run.  These are the moments that leave me embracing life.  And yet, there are simpler moments to.  Last Friday night at my aunt and uncles house just hanging out with family and friends and there was this simple moment where I stopped and took mental note of those around me. That in this crazy world, LOVE is ultimately the strongest most rewarding force.  That on a random Friday night, just because, I can end up hanging out with so many people that I adore.  Aside from my aunt and uncle, my mom was there, my sister and brother in law. My cousin and his fiancé, her best friend and her husband, and then me and Chris.  It put a giant smile on my face because here we were randomly laughing and talking about life, drinking wine and eating cheesecake because we truly love each other’s company.  This is a simple moment that makes the rest less pleasant moments manageable. Sure they are not as epic as running a marathon or riding a donkey thru the Puerto Vallarta mountainside.  They aren’t as beautiful as a Maui sunset, but they are perfect just as they are.  Because love is the driving force.

All of my hours at the gym, all of the care and concern over health and nutrition are done in the ultimate pursuit of happiness.  Sure, while slaving away in sweat at a gym I find happiness or else I wouldn’t do it, but ultimately it’s to serve the greater good. To give me the self-love and self-confidence I need to live my life fearlessly and with all the passion I have bottled up to never be afraid to choose happiness. To run the marathon. To wear the bikini on the beach. To love myself.  To embrace my beautiful imperfections.

I love being active and healthy because I love the way it makes me feel.  Sure I like to look good but truly that is the byproduct of the work.  I’d still put in the work (I’d still go for the run) even if it didn’t result in any physical transformation because the emotional transformation that occurs is what it’s really about. I try and remember this lesson as much as I can. And believe me, I lose sight of it often. I think the whole reason I am even thinking about it today is because I have lately lost sight of the bigger goal.  I need this reminder today as I am processing all of this to refocus my attentions on what really matters.

I’ve spent the better part of the last month beating myself up for my imperfections and my inability to control my eating.  I think it clouds my vision in being able to simply love myself and make decisions based on the quality of my life and my health.  When I make it about the image in the mirror things derail.  When I am able to focus the effort on the quality of my life I end up successful.  These are lessons that have taken me a very great deal of time to fully learn. 

I realized yesterday as I was looking back on my website, this journal, that it’s been pretty much almost 2 years that I have maintained my weight.  Sure I started this journey on October 5, 2012 but I pretty much hit my goal in April of 2013.  I have pretty much been consistent within 10 pounds of my weight for 2 years.  All the while getting physically stronger and stronger.  All the while mentally changing in ways I had only hoped would occur, in ways I could not have predicted.

Life is not always easy.  I have had so many days of ups and downs and horrible moments that made me feel like everything was falling apart and yet somehow I am still here. You can never judge a person simply by what you see. We are all very layered complex individuals. There is always more than meets the eye.  Few would know truly everything that has occurred in my life. I don’t choose to share everything with everyone.  But this is true for everyone. There are always secret little parts of our lives we keep hidden from the world.  Probably to protect ourselves.  We all are fighting some sort of demon. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

And maybe this is the best reason why I run.  So that maybe I can outrun my demons. That maybe if I just keep running long enough, fast enough, far enough that I can chase some of them away.  That I can forget about everything else. That I can just let go of the hurt and pain in my past.  No one gets to be obese without fighting some sort of hurt or pain in their lives. Sure you can gain weight and be a little plump because of life circumstances or liking food a little too much or becoming sedimentary.  But true obesity is a much more internal struggle. When I see someone who is clearly fighting an obesity battle I know there is a much larger issue at play. I know, because I’ve lived it.

It’s hard to escape the desire to turn to food as comfort in times when the world around you seems in chaos and is falling apart. Honestly I am not referring to anything in my life right now. Things are actually going just fine in my life, other than the day in day out grind that can wear a person down.  But that is the part of life that is just life.  You have great happy days and then you have shitty pissy days for no reason at all. Or perhaps the reason is as simple as the sky is gloomy and dark and you are tired or you are pissed or bothered by an irrelevant comment someone made that tweaked you the wrong way.  You know, stupid trivial unimportant stuff that can cause your day to go askew but really matter not in the grand scheme of things.

Mostly I am just trying to put shit into perspective today.  Be thankful for all the blessings you do have in your life. You have a roof over your head. You have food. You have health. You can walk, talk, breath, then you are doing okay.

The truth is I am actually feeling pretty well physically today. With control comes happiness. I have successfully journaled my food for 2 whole days in a row. This is like the first time in forever but it makes me feel in control to actually be not binging nightly on food. To actually record what I eat. To know that I am not eating 3000 calories a day.  It in turn makes me want to push a little harder in other parts of my life to find that control and balance. All parts must work together to get the desired outcome.  It’s not so much about having some great transformation physically but more about feeling good about myself and my choices. About properly taking care of me and fueling myself effectively.  Things I have forgotten lately.  Of course I am making better decisions and then I am going to Vegas in like 9 days. Oh well I guess.

Last night I went to the gym after work, burned another 400 calories for the day and called it good. Tonight I am going to go to Amanda’s gym and try to run 3 miles then do some back and biceps work and then at 7 PM I am going to do a shoulder workout with Amanda. So it will be a long night at the gym for me. But Chris works late and it’s totally fine. I’m kind of in a weird head place today and I think putting in some time at the gym will be fine. Maybe help me out a bit in the grand scheme of things.

Just kind of having one of those “off” days a little while I sort out some of this mental fog in my mind. I guess some days you just have to really ask yourself why do I do the things I do? Is this all really worthwhile? Make sure  you are still doing things for the right reasons, you know.

Anyway, I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling refreshed and reenergized by life. But let’s not hold our breath just yet.