The one where I did it anyway

 I feel better today. Finally. After enduring 48 hours of feeling like a raging basket case bitch I have come to the conclusion that most all of it was PMS induced rage. Oops.  I have been pretty funky off honestly and that sucks but that’s life too.  I am trying to see some of the positive in the situations presented to me instead of all the negative. Generally a better way to handle situations, completely blinded in the course of PMS hormones pumping thru your veins.

Do you know what PMS hormones are no good for? Helping with sore muscles.  Yup, yesterday my lower half was sore, today it REALLY REALLY is sore.  You know the usual can’t bend over, hurts to sit down, my ass is a giant pain filled area.  This is the result of Tuesday’s leg day where I just killed it. I knew it was a good workout. I knew I was going to be sore.  And yup, here it is, just on schedule. 

I did not want to go to the gym last night. I really was dreading it but I made that pack with myself that if I just did my workout as outlined then I could go home.  I made the deal, I stuck to it, and I felt really good.  It was better than I could have asked for.  My legs were sore yesterday so I didn’t have a ton of faith in my running ability last night but I surprised myself.

I got on the machine and put it at a 5.8 instead of a 6 to test out my legs.  Yes, they were sore but it wasn’t painful. So after a couple minutes I pushed it up to a 6 on the speed.  This has been my usual as of late.  It wasn’t the easiest run of my life, but it wasn’t awful either. And slowly but surely I started to feel my high.  The motivation to work out.  The motivation that was severely lacking when I got to the gym.  And when I got close to 2 miles I thought, there it is, all the happy and the reason I do this and for the hell of it I bumped the speed up on the treadmill.  I bumped it up to 6.6, which is way more than I typical run at and I ran some more. In fact I ran another mile.  It was hard. This was harder than I was used to, but it was also incredibly good for me to adjust my speed and force myself to work a little harder.  6 miles per hour has been a very consistent comfortable complacent speed for me and this is great for long runs. But when I am just working on a short one it’s okay to push myself a bit more. This is where I lack often.   So I ran an entire mile at 6.6 speed and finished my 3 mile run right around 29 minutes.  Meaning that had I run the extra tenth of a mile I would have completed a 5k in under 30 minutes.  It is always nice to crank out a 30 minute or less 5k every now and then.  I need those to remind myself that I can.

And to think all of this occurred last night when I had zero motivation and with sore legs and when I was sure that I was going to have to slow down to accomplish my 2 mile run, let alone speed up my pace and do 3 miles.  But alas, my legs are REALLY fried today and maybe some of that comes from running on slightly sore legs yesterday. That might not have helped the situation. It might not have hurt either, but it didn’t help. I am certain of that.  Tonight is traditionally my “easier” night at the gym so we will see. I haven’t even decided totally what I’m doing.  Since I did back and biceps yesterday I am guessing a good chest/shoulder/triceps workout would be in order.

Anyway, after I ran my 3 miles I had tons of happy feelings going on and high so I was ready to tackle my back/biceps workout.  I was actually all alone at the gym last night and I have to admit that I kind of enjoyed it.  I left my music in and just zoned out while I started out with pull ups.  I did my Pull up/bicep drop sets.  Start with 10 pull ups and then 10 bicep curls and then drop by one number each time. Second round is 9 and 9 and so on.  From 10 to 1, this equals a total of 55 reps of each.  It is harder than it sounds by the end doing 3 or 2 of something. Your muscles are tired.  So that’s a good thing.  Then I moved on to the other exercises in my workout, still earphones in, still kicking ass.

The thing is, doing a workout all alone goes faster.  I was able to crank out my list in like 40 minutes.  I was finished at about 1 hour 13 minutes total which is pretty quick for me with a gym session.  But again, I was alone which was nice.  I had my personal deal worked out where I told myself I could be done when I finished the list.  I finished it, I was a sweaty mess, I burned 550 calories and I was calling it quits.

I often think that my heart rate monitor must be fucked that I burn so few calories but then again, it’s all a formula based on your height/age/weight etc.  So I guess.  Typically speaking lifting weights I burn far less calories. I just see gym friends post their stats on Facebook and in an hour and 15 minutes their monitor/tracker tells them they are burning 1400 calories. I’m like, how the hell is that possible?  But obviously there are a lot of other factors at play here.  I understand this and try my best to not compare or get jealous.  I know at the end of the day I am doing what is best for me and I’m kicking my own ass. Generally speaking I couldn’t work any harder.  Sure at points I could push myself a bit more, but generally speaking I work pretty damned hard.  So it is what it is. 

After I finished I felt amazing. My hair was entirely sweat soaked.

I felt amazing.  I went home and dyed my hair. Yup, I dyed it. It needed it badly.  And I was trying to take a photo of my hair when I took this photo and was like holy shit, look at my chest muscles popping out, trying to get out.  I assure you as a general rule they don’t always look like this. It was the angle and the light etc., but it was so lovely to see that I am of course going to keep this photo.

Every single day I notice my little countdown ticker counting away the days until my Maui marathon and I am both terrified and exhilarated.  It’s an interesting thing to be both at once.  My running game is improving and I need to keep working on it because above all else I have to go in at least feeling somewhat confident that I can complete the task.  It’s still a ways away, but it is getting closer at the same time as well.  I think I am on a good trajectory to be able to have the confidence and ability I need to run my marathon.  I took a giant step last weekend running every step of my 13.1 miles.  And of course I have another opportunity this Sunday to complete another one. 

I am also completely loving my BELIEVE journal where I am actually hand recording my workouts. It’s so old school but that’s also what I love about it. It is one of a kind and special to me. I am going to be able to go back and look at that journal and smile always.  That was the point of it to begin with.  Running really is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I have always pretty much known this but it’s nice to have such solid evidence of its worth in my life.  I am such a happier person because I run.

I did have a moment last night in the gym where I was eyes peeled on another person and having all these thoughts that ultimately are not good for me.  It wasn’t necessarily jealousy, it was pure awe and admiration.  There was a woman, I am sure she was a bodybuilder. She was training with a bodybuilding coach and to me she looked perfect. She had this perfect figure and gorgeous tight round butt and an upper body that was just perfect.  To some she probably was too muscular to me she was everything I wished I was.  I couldn’t help but stare because she was just everything.  And I know how much work she must put in to get that body.  I had a totally envious moment.  And this moment ALMOST had me walk over to the trainer at the gym who I spoke to earlier about doing personal training with, he does more detail work and point at that girl and say, “There. That is what I want to look like. Make me look like her and I will sign up right now.”  But I thought the better of it.

I am sure I could look like that girl if I was willing to do the things she does to get that point. And mostly I am sure that I couldn’t look like that girl and run the way I want to. My number one priority is running. I accept that. I still want to strength train and have muscles but that does come with some amount of reality.  I CAN and want to have it all, but I just can’t be perfect at any of it.  And that woman was perfect and therefore I am sure she did not do weekly 13 mile runs, etc.  And I WON’T; I REFUSE to give that up. So alas, I did not do it, but a few moments in my head where bordering on declaring my intentions to emulate this woman. 

This is partly why belonging to a body building gym can sometimes be bad for me. There is a fine line between inspiration and delusion.  Sometimes it’s nice to be inspired and then there is just plain old crazy.  I am not that woman and I have no idea what all she does to look exactly like that, but I guarantee it doesn’t come easy. And in the end I don’t want this world to be my 24/7.  I have found balance and happiness in life that would quickly be disrupted if I ventured down that path.

It’s all about learning acceptance.  This is something we must choose every single day.  Yes I often have my off moments where things don’t click in my head and I can’t accept things as they are.  But ultimately as they say it’s about changing the things you can’t accept and accepting the things you can’t change.  And of course being wise enough to know the difference.  I’m mostly working on the wisdom part. 

Overall I feel pretty good today and I am going to take it. Now if I could get my muscles to ease up on the sore a bit, things would be even better. But I suppose I did it to myself. Eek.