Last night would fall into the category of utter
exhaustion. Sure I wrote out a plan for
a workout last night and had intended to do it.
BUT, life happens. I got there
and “Warmed up” with a 3 mile run that turned into a 4 mile run. So I ran a solid 4 miles in 40 minutes and
was pretty tired after that. I didn’t
really feel like doing the list I had wrote out. I was all alone at the gym and my heart just
wasn’t in it last night. Instead I went
into the “class” room and did a few other exercises. Basically I played around
and half-assed it for another 20 minutes or so and then decided fuck it, I’m
done. I’m going home. I could tell my
body was just tied and spent. Even my 4 mile run felt less happy and more
torture and that is when I know it’s time to give it up.
My body was in complete and utter exhausted mode. I swear I was walking around in a daze. But then it occurred to me that I had in fact
worked incredibly hard the past 5 days in a row so it was really no wonder my
body was plain old worn out. In the last
5 days combined (Sunday thru Thursday) I have ran 28.65 miles (including my
half on Sunday) and worked out some hardcore strength training routines too
boot. For a total of like almost 9 hours of workout time and a total of 3,825
calories burned. I know all of this
because I have been tracking my workouts in my handy dandy BELIEVE journal. So in the end it was not shocking to me that
I wanted to crash and burn last night after about an hour and 10 minutes. My body just said no more. And I listened.
I did go home and we took the dogs for a nice walk at the
school by our house. That doesn’t count
as exercise, it really doesn’t. But holy
cow in the last 5 days I ran 28.65 miles.
That’s impressive. Even to
me. I typically don’t log quite so many
miles as a whole. But I have been upping
the running game lately. I suppose I
will crash and burn at some point. I think my key balance might be to not peak
too early just yet. Like it’s really a
smidge too early to really start training. Like if I started exactly now I know
surely I would burn out in 5 months.
There is a part of me that just wants to go for the gusto and run like
18-20 miles one weekend just for the hell of it to know mentally that I can or
what it would feel like. I kind of tend
to do that.
I remember when I was “training” cough. Cough. For my first half marathon I kind of did the
same thing. Meaning I didn’t train. Meaning it was like 2 weeks before my half
and I hadn’t really run more than 6-7 miles ever and I was like fuck I better
do this so I just randomly decided hell, let’s go for a 13 mile run. So I
did. And I felt better because I knew
that I could do it. I have a feeling
that might be the style or approach I take to marathon training. It’s not
recommended but I rarely do things the way they are supposed to be done. Remember, I am not searching for any
particular finish time. I have no lofty
goals or expectations. I just want to
finish. Clearly I don’t even care how
much I have to run/walk at the end. I’m guessing lots of walking realistically.
But as it gets closer I suppose I will just have to go out and run a beast of a
run to prepare. If I did it now I don’t think it would really do much in terms
of training but that’s okay.
My weekly mileage in comparison to a training plan and my
distances (with running half’s and all) honestly puts me on a schedule right
now of being about 6-8 weeks out from the event. I think my goal for a while is just going to
be to try and maintain the levels I am presently at. And try and not stress but that is particularly
hard for someone as focused and driven as I tend to become when I set my mind
to a goal.
So I have been thinking a little bit about the scale not
moving and my body fat percentage not moving in relation to my actual body and
I have decided that something isn’t adding up or rather the numbers are a
lie. See, how I can justify things. I do think the numbers are probably true don’t
get me wrong but something isn’t being measured correctly to indicate the
muscle that I am now convinced is growing on me. Aside from just feeling more muscular Chris
pretty much confirmed that he has noticed lately that I just look so much more
muscular and strong. He says he definitely
can tell and this combined with the trainer at the gym telling me that and I’m
certain that despite all the numbers being identical that things are changing. Maybe it’s just one of those things that’s
going to show up one day in some way. Maybe it won’t ever, but it doesn’t mean
I should quit trying.
Things are all about self-love. When I started this entire journey this time
around October 5, 2012 it was because I decided I loved myself enough to get
healthy and happy not because I hated myself.
And that is the one thing that I have tried to stick too whole-heartedly
this entire journey. When I start to
lose my way I try and remind myself that all of this, any of this is because I
love myself enough to try. Because I am worth it! Very important lessons. This
concept is not lost on me at all. Here I am 2 ½ years later and happier and
healthier than I’ve ever been and while it’s still an overwhelming struggle at
times it’s all because I have found things that I love and because I have done
it all out a sense of self-worth.
Hatred got me to many very bad and dangerous places in the
past 10 years of my life. Places that were unrealistic to maintain. But I am maintaining because I have found
organized running to fuel my fires. I am maintaining because I have a sense of
friendships and community spirit at a gym that I go to. I am maintaining because I have learned the
beauty of strength training. I am
maintaining because I am living the life I have always wanted. None of this has anything to do with
superficial things like what a number on a scale says or what my body fat
percentage is or what size jeans I wear. Sure those are all nice outcomes of
this lifestyle but they are not the driving force.
Last night I was talking to Chris about a lot of this stuff
and basically said, I have finally figured it out, that at the end of the day I
choose running. Everything else is done in an effort and in the vein of helping
my running. I choose running because it
is my happiness. Sure I believe in the
power of everything else but my number 1 priority is running. And it’s perfectly okay. And I won’t apologize for it and I am beyond
letting any trainer or gym nut tell me that cardio is bad. For you perhaps and your goals, but not for
me. For me it is happiness and it’s not
even an option to give it up. End of
story.
It’s very hard sometimes to quantify change. I can’t see it daily because I am living
it. Chris is too close to me that
sometimes it’s hard for him to see it either. There are undeniable number facts that are
trackable (weight, percentages, etc.) but they aren’t always crazy
accurate. Photos do nicely but are hard
to completely compare with. And then there
are some undeniable truths that make me smile because I didn’t even realize
they existed.
Here is all the proof that anyone (mostly myself) will ever
need to know that in 2.5 years you can change.
I stumbled across this calendar last night which was from October 5,
2012. The day it all started. The calendar simply was marked (start eating
well) on the day next to the 5. And then
on the 10 was a simple note of 1st day of exercise. And then there were little x’s next to the
days where I exercised at all, any amount.
Mind you that October 5, 2012 date was at a weight of 225 pounds or
so. And then on October 21 was the first
recorded treadmill numbers. And seeing the numbers for the remainder of October
made me swell up with pride. Pride because I have a hard time realizing how far
I’ve come often and this was undeniable unequitable proof of my success.
I basically was doing about 5 miles in 82 minutes. That’s about a 3.6 pace on the treadmill. That’s
not bad for a 200 plus pound person at all. Even then my brain had that lovely
muscle memory that reminded me that I wanted to break free and run. There is a note at the bottom that says run
45 minutes. Clearly that was a slow run,
but it was still a jog/run. I think that’s a jog, but whatever. So there you have it. Quantifiable proof of growth. I pushed thru in November and December and
while the speeds/times were not impressive the dedication to myself was. These were the workouts that defined me and
my desire to progress. This girl was
shaping my future self.
So yes, one could argue that anyone is going to make
progress going from being 220 something pounds to being 150 pounds etc. I get that. So that’s why this one makes me
even more proud. This is a snapshot from
my calendar on May 2013. This is right
before I went to Maui. Right when I had finally reached my goal again of being
around 140 pounds and right when I first joined the gym but hadn’t started any
strength training. This is after 8
months of working my butt off to lose the weight.
Do you see that there,
60 minutes; 5.1 miles. 65
minutes; 5.62 miles. 65 minutes; 5.6
miles. This was at the “peak” of my
running. Meaning I was doing it solidly consistently 5-6 times a week for the
past 8 months and I weighed around 140 pounds and I was essentially running or
average about a 5.5 miles per hour on the treadmill. Progress my friends.
This is the biggest sign that things have progressed for
me. I can pretty much run at a solid 6.2
on the treadmill these days. That is
progress. And I didn’t really even know I was making progress. Isn’t that
crazy? I would have told you I run about
the same as I did at that point. But clearly not. Actually I would have told you I was more
conditioned for running BEFORE I went to the gym because all I did was run
every night and therefore, certainly my body had to be better at it. Just some interesting observations. And hard proof that even when you don’t
realize it you are changing.
So I am glad today is rest day. I am pretty certain my body
really needs one today. But alas I will
be right back at it tomorrow with a 10k run.
I am sure I will actually be back later today to write more because it’s
a Friday and I’m already mentally checked out.
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