The sick reality

Last night at the gym I had one of those ah ha moments where I might have realized something crucial to my well-being. I think I’m sick.  Like physically ill. Like I think what started out earlier this week as allergies has morphed into an upper respiratory infection of some sort that has left me plugged up, can’t breathe, killer headache. You know, the usual.  

I have been kind of mad at myself this week, starting Monday when I had a horrific outside run that really pissed me off. And then of course I pushed myself Tuesday to run thru it literally, outside which wasn’t horrible, but I also wasn’t entirely pleased with my performance.  And Tuesday night while I did do legs at the gym I also felt a little like I was flaking out a bit.  And then FINALLY it all came to a full on collision last night when I was forcing myself to run 3.1 miles on the treadmill and it was literally like torture. Like I didn’t know what was wrong with me but I had no energy and it was a struggle to even run at 5.8 mph as I tried to wipe away the snot from my nose.  And suddenly when I had finally finished at like 32 or 33 minutes it dawned on me that perhaps I was actually sick.  As I sneezed a bunch into a paper towel. 

I walked over to my mom, who was actually at the gym last night, and was like, hmm. I wonder if I’m sick? Like perhaps that is part of what has been causing all these horrible feeling exhausted nights of exercise. Like maybe it isn’t that suddenly running 3.1 miles at a 5.8 pace is horrifically hard and I’ve reverted back in my training. Perhaps I’m sick. Perhaps the sniffles and the breathing and the headache are all actually causing my body distress and right now this IS the best I can perform, but it’s not the best I am capable of.  That perhaps not feeling 100% is resulting in less than stellar workouts.  I know, insane thought right?  But it took me days to figure this out. 

That and it took two separate people asking me on two separate occasions if I was sick or if my being plugged up was because of allergies. I quickly replied allergies, because it is, but then I started to have the thought that it might be more than that.  I feel drained for no good reason.  My body just isn’t 100% at all.  I know this. Coupled with or perhaps as a result of feeing so yucky my mental state has slipped a bit as well.  Piss poor workouts or not performing to my ability has made me feel mad at myself and consequently I have started to get into a funky headspace. 

Mixed with some personal drama that I don’t want to go into right now, I’ve just been off the past couple days.  I try very hard to keep my personal passing life drama, annoyances out of this blog because it isn’t necessary but occasionally like every human being, I have personal drama and fights and problems and things I have to work out in my head that ultimately affect my well-being.  This is one of those times when I can’t shake the personal problems out of my head enough to not have them interfere with this space in my world.  So yes, my mental state was VERY shitty yesterday and today and this probably does not help with the actual physical cold that I am fighting.  In a nutshell my body is a mess!  I realize this. 

Last night I forced my 3.1 mile run and then I did some back and biceps with my mom and then Amanda and I did heavy shoulders. I muddled thru pretty well considering how I was feeling.  In fact, I finished with like 2 hours at the gym and 725 calories burned. I can’t feel bad about my performance.  I didn’t.  BUT, I knew I wasn’t at all on my game.  I wasn’t excited to be there. And running really was torture.   I feel exhausted today like I really just want to sleep.  That could be depression or it could simply be my body fighting off the excessive amount of abuse I’ve put it thru.

When I look back, last Saturday I ran a 10k, Sunday I did an hour of chest and triceps work with Amanda (which left me VERY sore for days) and then Monday was a 4 mile run and then Tuesday was crazy 5 miles outside and then another 90 minutes at the gym, and then last night another 2 hours.  I have gone 5 days in a row already and I’m wondering if my body is just pooped.  For the first time in a very long time I am honestly thinking about taking a rest day today.  I am kind of listening to my body and it is kind of telling me that a rest might in fact be in order.  As I sniffle my nose and try to suck back up the snot that is trying to seep out.

I think I might need to admit that I am simply fried all around and that the best thing I could possibly do is rest.  Give myself a solid 24 hours away from the gym or running or lifting anything.  I can go to the gym Friday night. I can mix it up and that would be fine.  But maybe, just maybe, not forcing myself this evening would be the smartest decision.   I feel like I could close my eyes and literally fall asleep and not wake up until tomorrow. It is not even 2 PM yet and I feel this way. 

Maybe all these workouts this week have been less than awesome feeling because I have honestly not been working with a full strength body.  Therefore maybe I should forgive myself.  Maybe I shouldn’t freak out just yet that running 3.1 miles at a 5.8 or even 5.7 pace on the treadmill was so hard.  Maybe I should wait until I feel a little better to pass judgement on my current physical state.

So alas, I think I’ve made the decision to forgo the gym tonight in lieu of going home and sitting on my couch. Scratch that, lying on my couch and closing my eyes.  I can go tomorrow.  There is no good reason why I can’t go to the gym tomorrow, Friday night instead. In fact I have not a fucking single plan for this entire weekend.  Nothing I have to do, nowhere I need to be. Nothing.  There is no valid reason I can’t run and lift and spend copious amounts of time at the gym Friday-Sunday if I want to. Which means that I can take the night off.

On the plus side I am on day 4 of logging my food which has given me a sudden renewed happiness and thrill.  Like somehow having 3 completely on track days makes me not want to falter.  Like suddenly I simply will not even eat that bad thing because I don’t want to go over my daily allowance.  Funny how something as stupid as simply logging your food sometimes can produce this feeling. And yet, sometimes no matter how hard you try, logging in for a day or two makes no difference at all. I suppose it’s more about your head being in the right mental space than anything.

And somehow, suddenly I want it. I find it a new and fun challenge to keep my food intake in a certain range.  Believe me, that feeling gets old way too soon and it will become a chore more than anything. But for now, it’s fun and exciting again and I’m going with it.  I honestly know that the only way I stand any chance of losing any weight at this point is to log my food.  My exercise game is pretty much on point and consistent so where I can make any difference is the food.  So far so good. 

I am suddenly finding for some odd reason that I am in love once again with chicken breast dipped in Lighthouse OPA Greek yogurt blue cheese dressing. AMAZING! And then adding some baby carrots to dip as well along with it. Really delicious dinner combo.  I am actually really thrilled with that as dinner.  Funny how everything becomes new and exciting again at some point.

Actually I might need to stop off at the grocery store before I go home tonight to pick up some more food and then just go home and rest my very out of whack body.  I’m pretty sure this post has pretty much talked myself into taking a rest day.  Maybe that’s why I wrote it out.  I know I would recommend it to anyone else saying the crap I’m saying.  Um, 5 days in a row of exercise, feeling sick, runny nose, headaches, exhaustion.  Yeah, freaking take the rest day already! Listen to your body before you strain it more.

Sometimes a simple rest day will actually help your body more than any amount of running or lifting possibly could.  Not to mention I have been feeling quite crazy in the head and that does not help at all. When things get too overwhelming my body’s first response is to just want to run away from everything. I am a runner in every capacity.  I want to flee situations before confronting them head on.  I often have visions of being that woman who gets in her car and just disappears. Just drives off into the sunset and is never heard from again.  I don’t feasibly know that this is possible or how I would survive. Thus this not really being a viable option at all.  BUT sometimes it’s a nice thought to think about.  Just getting away from everything.  I don’t mean it at all.  But it can be a helpful little daydream; distraction.

Ultimately I just want to feel healthy I think, like 100% ready to go and kill it, both running and lifting. Which is probably my surest sign that I am sick. The fact that I don’t feel empowered to go hard or go home.  Oh body, sometimes you suck!  Let’s see if 24 hours of this rest thing can work any magic.