Plot Twist

I’ve said it so many times and I completely believe it; Our bodies know when we are being kind to ourselves and when we are not.  It responds accordingly. This last week has been slightly brutal on me. I think that the onset of PMS time is here.  I hate to give it excuses or names like that, but I truly think this is part of what it is.  My mind has been a jumbled mess.  Bi-polar if you will.  One day I am happy as a clam. Another day horrifically negative. And this isn’t exclusively reserved to day chunks of time.  It can shift very quickly in a mere matter of minutes on a dime.  Ugh.  Sigh.  And my poor husband has been enduring this.  Yes, he fucked up on Saturday but I am sure I didn’t help any part of it because of my crazy mood swings.  But alas I had a moment yesterday afternoon where my crazy was off the charts crazy and I literally had to stop myself and go, wait, back the crazy train up.  What is really going on?  I was yo-yo mood swinging and I realized that PMS was entering the building.

With all of this said, I have not been treating my body as kindly as I should this past week and I vow this week to be nicer to it.  Both mentally and in the physical sense.  This is what I mean.  It’s Thursday so my “weigh-in” was this morning and while I am not upset at all by the scale, I also know that I put out a ton of effort this week and over-obsessed.  Broke a lot of my own cardinal weight-loss rules and I didn’t like the way it made me feel all week.  This week I allowed my brain to become obsessed and hung up on that number and let it affect me.  I weighed myself far too often this week. My number 1 cardinal error.  And I let it all play into my head instead of just being kind to myself and allowing things to happen as they should.  I have not survived almost 3 years at this lifestyle this time around by obsessing or over-indulging in bad habits. Yes, we all have slip ups but I can’t live my life for the scale, or obsessed about every bite of food that enters my mouth.  That is not how I have survived.  I have functioned that way in the past and I burn out, because who the hell wouldn’t?  That is not normal or healthy and our bodies will revolt against us.  I can proudly say that the key to my successful maintenance has been easing the reins of myself and completely 1000% self-love.  Yes, weeks like this remind me of that all-important reality way too much.

So I am thankful for a “fresh-start” to a new week for me today.  I weighed myself this morning and I am putting the scale away for a solid week. For real.  So that when I step on the scale next Thursday morning it will a total surprise to me one way or the other. So long as I live this next week happy and healthy and doing good things I will be proud of whatever the scale says next  Thursday morning.  It’s not about over obsessing. It’s about living this life and making good choices for me.  It’s about accepting things as they are and being content with the small victories which include things like on occasion going out to eat and on occasion taking more rest as my body requires.  Quite honestly my body knew I was pushing way to hard this week and I hated the feeling of being out of control and obsessed about it all.  I’ve lived there in my life and it truly is not a happy place.  This week I will do better. And with all that said, the scale this morning said.

139.3

Yes, that you will note is below the 140 mark.  I should be very happy and excited about this number. And yes, the number itself is great and I’m not complaining.  I’m just not happy about the methods and the self-torture that occurred this week. Therefore I don’t feel proud of the number or like I earned it.  I feel like I forced it thru constant mental belittling and scale manipulation via the form of constant weigh-ins.  So in a nutshell, that is the number, but I will only feel good about it in a weeks’ time if it is close to the same number and I earn it with self-love.  Does that make sense?  That represents a 1.2 pound loss this week.  Again, this is all great and legit and possible.  I mean, I put in the work to earn a 1.2 pound loss.  But still. You know.  Our bodies know when we treat them kindly.  I completely believe in the mind/body connection and while I did get a loss, I just don’t feel great about it.

But I do feel great about the prospect of being kind to myself this week.  Going back to the basics.  Start over, redo as you will.  Today I get a fresh start at a new week of love. Self-love. Happy, positive times.  And that is what I am going to go with.   So technically I am in the magical 130’s and that is fantastic but I will celebrate next week when the victory is really earned and I have been wonderfully kind to myself.

So for now, let’s keep the celebration at bay and move on. Last night I went to the gym and immediately got on the treadmill for a pre-class 1.5 mile run.  Typically I get to the gym about 5:15 ish.  Give or take a few minutes.  Classes are always at 5:30.  I can have between 15-10 minutes typically to run a mile or so.  I tried to bang out 1.5 miles last night before class because I was dreading having to get in another round AFTER class.  My marathon training wanted 3 miles.  Anyway, did that.  Went to strength training class.  We had a warm up of 10 sprints and then a pre-class round 1 of a bunch of leg stuff. Squats/lunges, etc.  And then we got into the “workout” part which was a couple song “tracks” of different muscle groups.  I do like strength class because it hurts and it’s hard. Well as hard as you want to make it. My chest was fried from the night before so that was fun.  But I did it.  And then afterwards it was back to the treadmill for my other 1.5 miles but then I started doing treadmill math in my head.  You know, number crunching and it occurred to me that if I did 2 more miles I would be at a solid 35 miles for the last 5 days. And God forbid I was at 34.5 miles so of course I finished out the 2 miles.  Which meant I did a total of 3.5 miles.  That was enough of course.  I was done.

 And in the spirit of yesterday being a mental mind fuck, I stopped at lunch at the park by my office and just sat for a moment to try and breath and reconnect with myself, with nature or in other words to try to talk down some of the crazy in my head.   I also think I was just extremely exhausted. I wonder if my Wednesday’s tend to suffer because my Tuesday’s are so intense? Like I get up earlier than I normally do and run and then I go to the gym and kill it there too and I’m just exhausted. Because yesterday I just felt exhausted and while at the park I literally laid in the grass for a couple moments and closed my eyes like I wanted to take a really good long nap. But couldn’t of course. 

Regardless, after I got home last night I did my business, all the normal regular stuff and was very much reflecting on a lot of the negativity that I had been carrying around in my brain. Some of it was stress of course and some of it was just the mental crap I’ve been putting on myself.  I was having a total I am fat, I hate everything moment yesterday so honestly one of the best ways I know how to counter balance that kind of crazy in your life is to take photos that prove that you are doing okay.  So alas, these happened last night.

Mostly I sometimes need visual reminders that I don’t look as fat as I might feel in my head.  I don’t think I am fat. But I’ve been feeling extra bloated and poochy and it makes sense now if it is my PMS time.  I am totally retaining water and probably am poochier.  I noticed it lately and it was driving me crazy.  So these photos went a long way in reminding me everything is still okay.  That I need to calm the fuck down, forgive and love myself.  Which brought me to my current assessment today. My current mood.  Which is relief I am done with that last week and I can move on to more productive and peaceful lines of thinking today.  That I can make peace with my body and be happy.

Yes, today, this morning I read this quote and it just made me laugh so I had to use it.  Plot Twist. Although not much of a plot twist really, as I am refocusing and recommitting to the self-love mantra that I have worked so hard on.  Plot twist, stop obsessing and start loving more.  All kinds and forms of love.  And just to make me smile today, I put on a Maui, Hawaii shirt on purpose because hello, Maui.  Maui is my forever happy place and seeing it just visually reminds me of what I’m working for.  My goals and dreams.  My 45 days from today, right now I will be running or perhaps almost done or maybe done with my marathon.  It starts at 5 AM, and I’m aiming for 5 hours so that would be 10 AM and it’s this minute 10:10 AM.  Anyhow, 45 days from now. And yes, that is worth smiling about, and fighting for and loving life for.  This is it. This is my happy.  And self-love for the next week. Refocus my dear. Refocus.