Insomnia

Well Good late morning/afternoon.  Today I’ve had like zero energy to do anything. I did not sleep again last night and it was awful. I feel awful as a result.  Sleep deprivation is crazy awful.  It makes you insane honestly and that’s about where I am.  I just want to curl up into a little ball and sleep on the ground at my office.  But we will get to this. Let’s go back to last night.

Tuesday night at the gym.  I got there and ran about ½ a mile to warm up before we went into abs/core class.  Least favorite class of the week. It sucks because it doesn’t burn calories but it hurts.  My abs are already kind of sore or bruised from Spartan I can’t totally tell but there was discomfort when I had to do reverse crunches.  And lots of ab crap but I think the discomfort was in the form of I was using the damned muscle and therefore my muscles were like stop, this is Ouchy.   In other words it was hard work and our brains always tell us to stop when we want to make it work.  After class I did some lifting. Nothing fancy.  Some chest presses, triceps dips, bicep curls, overhead presses, etc.  To be honest I kind of was just blowing time.  It wasn’t that great of anything.  But after a while I was like, I need to do something so I got on the treadmill and just ran 1 mile and called it good.  The net result was 375 calories burned combined with my morning run put me at 1,250 calories burned. Definitely my largest burn of the week aside from half’s on the weekends.

 

Oh also forgot yesterday I did another Transformation Tuesday picture and then I also did this other one.  See that arrow there it is pointing to a photo taken the morning of the very  first organized event I ever did, a million gazillion years ago. Just a stupid little 5k that had zero relevance or significance in my life. In fact this was one of the times where I had lost weight and wanted to try it.  It didn’t stick, the running races thing at this point, and in fact the weight loss didn’t stick either. After I ran this race I gained all the weight back.  I can’t even tell you what time this was in my life.  But I have always kept that photo around because it does mean something to me.  The idea of something greater was out there for me.  That girl who did that 5k secretly wanted to run a marathon.  She was WAY WAY away from that, but this runner was in there.  And I keep that photo on my dresser in my “dressing room” because I look at it on occasion and it just blows my mind.  This entire journey I’ve been on.

 

 

Okay, so now back to last night. I got home after the gym and took a shower and ate and thought I was tired enough that sleep wouldn’t be an issue.  Yeah.  So I thought.  But I did take some booty short pictures because well, I have always stayed away from such little shorts but am finding that things are changing on my body almost weekly at this point and I notice slight differences but more so in my self-confidence and now suddenly I feel like I might be able to pull these off.

And then I went to bed. And watched TV. And tossed and turned.  I kind of suspect this sleep is a result of Chris and his wonky behavior this week in terms of sleep.  He ususally works late Tuesday/Wednesday nights almost every week.  Typically he gets home. We watch some TV and then go to bed together and all is good.  For whatever reason the past two nights after getting home late, he’s been screwing around on the computer and not coming to bed.  And I just don’t sleep as soundly with him awake in the other room. There are lights on, there are noises, he is not in bed.  It just makes me toss and turn. I hate it.  So I keep checking my phone and eventually after midnight, I was listening to Enya’s Only Time on repeat. A beautiful song I had forgotten about until someone mentioned it on Facebook.  And I immediately downloaded it at like midnight and listened over and over and did this.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep. But it wasn’t good sleep.  It was after like 1 that I slept and then I woke up at like 4:30 and then again at like 6 or so and finally had to get up at 7:30.  It was just shit sleep all around. And this morning as a result I was crazy tired.

I was so slow moving it wasn’t even funny.  And then right now, it just keeps getting worse actually.  I seriously just want to sleep.  My body hates me.  I just keep getting more and more sleepy.

But what can I do?  Try and close my eyes for a few moments or just pep myself up and move on.  I accept that not every day is perfection. That I will have moments.  Tonight I have to run 3 miles and then its strength training class that I am going to attend. But this is it.  Seriously, this is ALL I have on the agenda for the evening.  3 miles and then class.  That’s enough.  Especially coming off of my crazy Tuesday efforts.

So on a positive note, I am not in a shit self-hating mood today.  The last 2 Wednesday’s I have been really hard on myself.  I feel fine mentally, it’s just pure exhaustion which is probably brought on by Tuesday as well.  But It doesn’t matter I am pushing thru!  I simply have zero quit in me. We all know this by now.  I am like the most crazy focused person when I set my mind to a task.  Head first into the direction of a goal.  I will not quit.  So I gym on.

The truth is, I have never honestly been happier.  It’s crazy I really had no idea that training for a marathon would bring me this much self-fulfillment and satisfaction. I had zero idea that the process would be this life-altering.  I love what it is doing for my body. I love what it is doing for my mind.  I love the confidence that is growing inside of me as a result.  These last 3 months have been overall blissful.  There is nothing more satisfying than working towards and eventually achieving a goal.  Which again scares me when I’ve achieved it.  But then we set new goals right? 

Positive forward momentum.  Running has changed me. Running has saved me.  Running has made me. It’s just everything. And I am so lucky that I have discovered that part of me.