Vaction Bound

I am in fact officially bordering into lose your mind status. I have had a hell of a busy morning at work and finally for the first time today have a moment to stop and breathe and pause.  I guess having a busy morning makes the day go by super quick which on a day like today is a good thing.  On a day like today where tonight officially feels like vacation time although I don’t technically get on a plane until like 7 AM tomorrow morning, but nonetheless the minute I’m out this door today I am on vacation.  And I REALLY REALLY need this vacation. Funny how you need it more the closer you get to it.

I need to get away from everything and everybody and all the stressors of my life and just have a few days of happiness and bonding with my husband and regrouping.  Life has been divinely serious lately and it’s not been any fun.  No part of it.  I am just ready for some fun and some sun and some drinking. Yes, I’m ready to drink stupid fruity mixed drinks. Yes, yes please!

Last night was not fun.  I went to see my grandpa who looked worse than I could have even imagined.  The process of dying is awful.  I have yet to really have to see someone I care about slowly die like this.  When my dad died it was a simple wham bam kind of deal. That sounds cold but I just mean other than mentally watching him sink farther into depression in the time leading up to his death I didn’t actually have to experience his physical deterioration.  Watching someone waste away is horrific.  He has not really eaten in probably a month and in the spirit of guessing I’d say he weighs 70 pounds.  And he’s entirely frail and not at all there.

Last night he repeatedly intermixed with moments of absolutely insane ramblings would say, “Who is going to take me home? Will someone please just take me home?  If I could just go home. If I could just go to sleep in my bed I’d wake up and feel better.”  And what do you say to that?  His home is no longer his home.  He clearly no longer can take care of himself thus the nursing home but seriously how sad is that?  And then he’d say things like I wish it were Christmas because I want to eat a bunch of Christmas cookies.  I love Christmas cookies.  And we’d all say, do you want cookies, we can get you cookies.  But I don’t really think he wanted the cookies, I think these are all the random memories flooding into his brain.

He has lung cancer from a lifetime of smoking.  His lungs don’t work anymore and he has oxygen that he does not like to use.  His brain cells are literally slowly dying as his brain is deprived of the normal amount of oxygen that is required to function.  According to the nurses this is what is causing the nonsense thoughts and phrases and also causing the delusions.  He sees things and is constantly living in another reality.  We just try to stay with him in his world as much as possible.  He sat up and started dancing his fingers in the air.  We said, what are you doing grandpa and he said “I’m playing a musical instrument.”  We said of course, it sounds amazing.  My mom went and sat on his hospital bed with him and held his hand.  Every time he’d say he wanted someone to please take him home my mom would look at me with utter sadness in her eyes.  It was hurting my mom more than anything I could easily tell.

Intermixed in the crazy world he’s living in, he’d have these moments of somewhat reality I suppose is what’d you call it. He abruptly sat up (well abruptly probably isn’t the correct word because his body does not do anything abruptly) and as he was rising and trying to maneuver his failing body over the side of the hospital bed we asked, “Where are you going Grandpa?”  He replied coyly, “Crazy, do you want to join me?”  I smiled and confirmed that I was already well on my way there!  And then he returned to babbling about something else that made no sense at all.

It’s hard to see someone deteriorate so quickly.  It’s hard to watch someone you care about in so much pain.  It’s even harder to see the pain in my mom’s eyes.    Not an easy process by any means.  Gives you a greater appreciation for life and quality of life.  I’m glad I went yesterday.  I’m glad I was able to be there.  I know I will never regret that decision. It’s way out of my own personal comfort zone but it was the right thing to do.

I didn’t get packed as much as I wanted last night. Shocking, right?  I got some packed but it’s very hard to pack for vacations and I suck at it. You’d think I’d be better, but I’m just not.  It’s going to be very hot and yet you still have to pack nicer things because Vegas shows require some level of dressing up.  And then there’s the whole shoe situation. Walking and comfort vs. cute and stylish. Such a girls dilemma.

Basically this means when I get home from work today (hoping to sneak out a little early) I have to finish up my packing and then load my girls up in the car and drive to my father in law’s house. Going to be a long night.  And I’m going to be a little antsy. Part of me just wishes I were flying out tonight, but then that would mean another night of hotel costs and that wasn’t fun so I opted no on that. So now I have to wait until the morning.

Oh well, just more to look forward to. I want to go away and not think about any of this stuff for a couple days. I just want to clear my mind and relax and have fun.  That’s my plan anyway.  A break to regroup and refocus and then then it will be time to start reaching for my big dream J