I am glad to be home. I am terrified to exercise. This about sums up the reality of vacations. I ALWAYS feel this way post vacation. It’s been a week since I have exercised and this makes me INCREDIBLY nervous. I’d like to say I feel refreshed and ready to go but that is a complete lie. I feel heavy and sick and not at all like I want to move. The longer you are away from exercise the more you don’t want to have anything to do with it. My body is bloated and feels yucky. Like I just fed you a bunch of crap food kind of yucky. I am totally in detox mode. All things I completely expected. Still hard to deal with the reality of.
I feel like I’ve been away from my world for a long time. Yes, it has officially been a week but honestly the two weeks prior to that have been a mess. I feel like I am starting from scratch, square 1 all over again today. Which in some ways I am. Which in some ways is a good thing I suppose. I do wish I felt a little more excited about the prospect of starting today, but mostly I am just scared and don’t want to. But I know that is the vacation and lack of activity talking. Once I get a good workout in things will feel better. But my head hasn’t been truly in the game for a couple weeks now. It’s time to just restart this journey. I have about 19 weeks until Maui. Wow that seems closer than I remember it being. I need to quit looking at the reality of running 26.2 miles and instead focus on one day at a time.
Today I just need to run. Slowly, but run. That’s all I have to do. I CAN do that. I know I can. Take it back to the beginning. Back to basics. Mostly immediately I am freaked that on Sunday I am running a half marathon. What the fuck was I thinking? This is going to be insanely brutal considering the last time I tried to run any distance was brutal. My body is sluggish and yucky. I just need to detox really badly. I’m hoping I feel better in a couple days.
This is where champions are made. This is where the test lies and the proof that I have actually changed comes into play. After having a “hard” time its picking myself back up and getting right back to it. This is proof that this is a forever lifestyle change. Right here, right now. Packed myself clean healthy foods. Okay a lean cuisine because it’s easy and honestly this morning I didn’t really have time or energy to make any food. But it’s food nonetheless. I need to get some more chicken and cook it. Anyway. Get thru today. Just one day at a time. I can do that. I don’t have to win any speed records tonight in fact my training plan has me at a very close pace of like 12:30-13:00 minute miles so that is fine. I can go a little faster than that and be okay. I can do this. Just get thru it. See, I’m trying to talk myself into it.
I had a great time in Vegas. It was pretty much what I needed. Some time away. Me and Chris had a lot of epic moments that created personal inside jokes which is ultimately what bonds and rebounds and keeps people together. Which is why spending time together is the most important thing you can do for any relationship. Make the memories, have those moments you can remember and look back on. Living your life. Exactly what you should be doing. I am grateful we had that little getaway. I indulged too much in food which was expected. Now it’s time to go clean for the next 19 weeks. That was the big indulgence before I hit it hard. It’s entirely time to fully commit to this. Day 1 of detox. I will NOT be stupid enough to weigh myself tomorrow morning. Thursday is ususally my weigh day. I am giving myself a full week to let things go as they do. Detox. Then I will weigh myself on May 14 and go from there. I’m considering an every 2 week thing for a bit. Not sure I even need to see weekly, as my progress tends to be much slower these days.
Let me tell you this, there is nothing like Vegas to fuck with your body image issues. I have always known that. Nothing like seeing woman after woman walking around in next to nothing to screw with the image of what you see in the mirror. Or maybe that’s just me? Nonetheless it’s incredibly difficult and I find myself constantly feeling like a giant fat blob. I have an issue with short shorts. Like I want to wear shorter shorts (I don’t mean hoochie shorts but not grandma shorts either) but I HATE my thighs. I think my excess thigh fat hangs out of them and I have a huge mental block with shorts. I’m way self-conscious. Then I see a million woman walking around in them and some look amazing and some not so much and they don’t seem to mind but I can’t get out of my own head. I constantly feel like perhaps everyone is watching me thinking I should not be wearing those. It’s crazy I know. No one else cares the slightest bit about me and my thigh fat hanging out of my shorts but it’s all I think about when I am wearing shorts. Crazy much?
Sometimes I wish I could just let go more. Just live in the moment and accept myself just as I am. Not freak out so much about what other people think. That might be my biggest issue. I care entirely too much about what a complete stranger may say or think about me. What the fuck does it matter if a random person I see for 2 seconds on the Las Vegas Strip thinks I look fat or if I say something dumb? It doesn’t matter at all, and yet I live my life trying to not stand out. It’s bizarre. I am fully aware of my own issues.
Today I am just nervous. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel much better after I run tonight and workout and feel that exercise high. I need an exercise high badly. It’s time. It’s just time. I don’t regret Vegas for a moment but now it’s time to refocus my attention and energies onto getting in killer shape for Maui. And yes it’s time for a little sacrifice and depravation of some foods. I don’t believe in depravation as an overall whole but I don’t need cookies or cupcakes every night and it’s okay to say no and deny myself for the next 19 weeks. I have a greater purpose I’m working towards.
I’m kind of a jumbled up mess today. Oh well. Going back to work after a mini vacation is hard too. At least there’s only 3 days this week.
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