Death makes an apperance

Today I feel very blah and tired and sad and overall drained. Emotionally and perhaps physically as a result.  Last night my grandpa passed away.  Cleary not unexpected in the grand scheme of things. We knew it was coming, but that doesn’t make the actual event easier.  Hospice pretty much told us that it would be 24-48 hours tops the day before yesterday.  I called my mom after work and asked her what was going on.  She said she was going home and packing clothes because she was going to spend the night at the nursing home with my grandpa. She said people were there, etc.

I told her I was going to go to the gym and run my 4.5 miles as my training plan called for and then I’d come over after that. Something in my gut told me that I needed to be there. So I ran my 4.5 miles which was harder than the previous night. Not surprising at all.  My legs were starting to ache from leg day.  My legs REALLY hurt today but that’s beside the point.  I really had to mentally fight thru that 4.5 mile run.  44 minutes, 40 seconds.  Basically just a smidge shy of 10 minute miles. But it was beyond tough. Perhaps because my brain kept going to what might be occurring across town.

The thing is, clearly no one knows exactly when things will happen so it’s not like going to the gym was a dumb idea.  Realistically we had no idea he would go last night.  Anyway, after I finished the run I got in the car and drove to the nursing home.  I walked into the room and saw a lot of people.  As I entered I also heard sobbing and crying, like fresh this just happened stuff. My aunt looked at me and said, “he JUST passed.” Like apparently a few seconds before I walked in the door he took his last breath.  Thus I s aw my mom up by him in complete tears.  It was not a pretty sight in the room.

I could not help but break down in tears myself watching my mom lose it.  I knew this would happen.  It was emotionally very draining. One of my sisters was there.  Lots of my aunts and uncles and within 15 minutes the rest of his children had arrived.  This is the amazing thing about life and family.  When it matters they are there.  My grandpa had 8 children. Every single one of them was in that room within 15 minutes of him passing.  There were lots of cousins.  There were a lot of people there, supporting each other.  There were a lot of tears.  I did my best to hug and comfort my mom and aunts. I couldn’t help but instantly be reminded of when my dad died. It’s a natural comparison given my mom and aunts are now losing their own father.  They kept saying things like, “How do I say goodbye to him?”  I thought for a moment and said, I don’t think you do.  I think he will always be with you.  I think you still talk to him.  I know I still think about and talk to my dad ALL the time. I think I will forever.  But I of course couldn’t help but reminded of that horrible day for me.

The hardest thing in life is to see people you love completely so helpless and sad. And not be able to do anything about it.  I loved my Grandpa, don’t get me wrong, but mostly my heart was breaking for my mom and aunts.  Grandpa needed to go.  It was definitely time and he was suffering so much that he is in a far better place now.  But it doesn’t make it any easier.   We probably stayed at the facility for about an hour before we said the final goodbyes and everyone headed to my mom’s house to gather.  My family is pretty amazing at the end of the day.

It ended up being a decently late night before I finally said I needed to go home to try and get some sleep.  I don’t think I was in bed until 11:30 PM.  And then I did not sleep well at all. Tossing and turning all night long.  I am exhausted today.  My body is very sore from my leg day workout.  I am glad my training plan is no running tonight.  I don’t want to run.  Not today.

And to top it all off, today, May 14, is my father’s birthday.  I silently like to think about him on the major milestone days like today.  So of course this contributes to the sadness. And makes things incredibly more difficult for my mom as well. Such a strong woman.   We all know my Grandpa is in a far better pain free place today.  It’s just another sad thing in life we have to live thru. 

The funeral will be next Friday.  My mom and aunt work at a dentist office that has Friday’s off so everyone is aware of this.  There isn’t enough time to get services together this week anyway, so next Friday we will have a full on catholic funeral service.  Not really my favorite as I am not terribly religious myself but it was Grandpas request as he was a devout catholic. 

Needless to say my last night did not go as I had planned. But life sometimes does that to you. You take what you are given.  Far more important to be there with the people I love most.  Those moments in that nursing room will forever be emblazed in my brain.  Those are the moments that stick with you.  It’s been a rough stretch lately but I’m glad that there is now an opportunity for closure for my family.  This was needed to begin to heal and move on.

I am not going to run tonight.  I am fairly tired.  I might do a 10 minute warm up run but I wouldn’t call that a run. Mostly just to elevate my heart rate and then I intend to do some upper body lifting.  But we will see what I really have in me by 5 PM tonight. Maybe not a lot. Who knows.  According to my training plan I have a 4.5 mile run tomorrow night as well. And then I am going to rest on Saturday. Rest day, yeah. And then my half on Sunday.  Can’t think that far ahead right now.  Today I am tired and drained and can only focus on the right here, right now. Oh yeah, and the horrific sore of my hamstrings and ass. It hurts to sit down.  I tell you, leg day is most painful 2 days out.  Bending over or sitting down or really any use of the legs is painful.  Makes me wonder why I want to do a leg day to begin with.

Life is so precious and worthwhile and important. Make the most of it. Enjoy the moments you have. Love as much as you can. Appreciate all the good you have.