Deep thoughts by Kevin Smith

I literally spent the entire morning and part of the early afternoon in the car. Driving around for work. I did not get back into the office until 2:45 PM.  This is insanity.  This makes me a tired grumpy girl.  BUT, it does make the day go by quickly as it is now almost time for me to leave. I guess that it has its perks.  

Last night I was pretty unsure of what I was going to do. It was rest day from running and I needed to strength train although my heart is so not in it. I considered a class at my old gym but something just didn’t sit so well in my stomach with that.  I was so unsure and then in the afternoon I got a text from Amanda saying to come to her gym and do her strength training class at 6:15. I took this as a sign from above that this was meant to be.  So I headed to her gym. I talked to her for a while beforehand and then got on the treadmill for a warm up. 

I finally figured it out last night.  A couple weeks ago when I was struggling so much on the treadmill and couldn’t stand it, I was at this new gym using these machines and for the life of me it was HARD.  I kept doubting my abilities and of course I was allergy sick so I know that was part of it. But last night as I got on the machine and put it at a solid 5.8 mph pace it was stupidly hard and funny.  And then it simply occurred to me that these machines are off.  Yes, I could be tired and yes I’m not putting it past anything that I’m drained and such but I could also just tell that these machines were calibrated differently. Ugh. After a couple minutes I was getting shin splints.  What the hell? I run 13 miles outside and I don’t get shin splints but this machine is giving them to me after a couple minutes. Clearly it’s a machine issue.  Whatever, I pushed on and ran 1.5 miles to warm up before class. I mostly just wanted to get my heart rate elevated a little bit.  And nothing does it for me like running.

I still find myself forever in search of the perfect motivation or the perfect next thing to keep me intrigued. My head jumps all over the place as if something else is out there that would give me more fulfillment, or make my life complete, or make me thinner. Whatever, blah, blah, blah.  It’s really quite retarded actually.  Instead of always being in search of the next greatest/latest thing I should probably just be happy. Of course happiness is evasive and somehow this morning I came across this gem that sums it up more than anything else I’ve ever seen in terms of the pursuit of happiness. This comes via Kevin Smith, the writer/director of all those independent movies, Mallrats/Clerks etc., I actually like him. But this was pretty perfect…

I've been around 44 years now, and I've been a round boy for most of those years as well. I always imagined thinner people were happier than me - but after losing 80 pounds, I can't say that I'm any happier than I was as a fat-ass. I'm not complaining, mind you: I just imagined I'd feel differently. I imagined I'd know a different kind of happiness than I'd never known before. Instead, I wound up learning what I consider to be the Secret of Happiness.

 As an American, I was raised to believe I was entitled to 100% happiness, all day every day, until I died. But in our Declaration of Independence, we’re granted only the PURSUIT of happiness -

not actual happiness. The founders of this country were smart not to promise the tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free too much of a good thing.

The good news is that the pursuit of happiness is way better than being happy any day. The irony is that actual happiness blasts us across our faces, necks and chests all the time - but we’re so busy chasing the elusive notion of what happiness is to us at that moment, we tend to overlook the authentic bliss we create for ourselves and others in the process of simply trying to be happy. And by the time we realize these were, in fact, moments of happiness, it's too late: those moments are now memories.

Happiness can't be bottled. It can't be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they're at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination - so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.

 I really have never seen it said so articulately.  A, that losing 80 pounds didn’t make him any happier and B, that no matter what we are dispositioned to always search for happiness.  And that unto itself is what happiness is. The pursuit of happiness. This makes total sense to me and completely resonated with everything I feel.  I am my happiest when I am perusing a goal or dream. It is the pursuit of happiness that is glorious. It is the memory that is the happiness. It is entirely hard to live in the moment.  I really loved reading this today because it was exactly what I needed to hear.  That in a nutshell it is okay to constantly be searching for happiness and that that is the happiness of life.  It makes sense to me.  If nothing else it made me feel a little more sane for constantly searching for things.  For happiness. Yes, I am happy but I constantly want more. I constantly look for the next big thing.  I guess that is the American dream, that good old pursuit of happiness.

 I never considered Kevin Smith so profound but we all have our moments. Which leads me to another thing on my brain today. 153 exactly this morning on the scale. Yup, I can’t get past 153.  Here I go pursuing something greater yet again.  Is 153 so bad? No, not really.  Is 153 or rather staying exactly 153 from a Thursday to a Thursday actually pretty good considering all the garbage that was consumed in between those points in time?   My weekend was a full on binge candy fest complete with frosted sugar cookies and recces peanut butter cups galore.  So realistically I should be thankful that the number read the exact same as it did last Thursday. 

But honestly my body doesn’t want to budge from 153 no matter what I do.  I have the most perfect on point week with healthy eating and exercise and I’m 153.  I have a shit week where I eat crap and its 153.  I’ve been 153 for a solid month.  I suppose that’s not horrible. It’s clearly my set point and I don’t think I look bad so should I care so much that I’m 153? No I’m sure I shouldn’t.  I should clearly not even worry about that number. In my heart I know that.  I know when I stop looking at that number I probably will do better.  I should head my own advice and give it a rest. Much easier said than done, right?

I am actually just dying to go home right now.  I feel like I’ve been totally all over the place today and I really just want to breathe a sigh of relief that this week is finally over. Tomorrow is my grandpa’s funeral so I will not be at work tomorrow.  I just want to get thru this final hour and then I get to go to the gym or go home and run outside. I haven’t really decided yet what I’m doing.  We shall see. Tomorrow is funeral day and therefore rest day from exercise. I need it.  A true rest day where I don’t do anything intentionally physical.  Nice.

 Saturday morning I am doing an 8k run, which is 5 miles.  It was a last minute spur of the moment sign-up.  Chris & I will both be doing it.  It is close to home, well closer, but close to one of the place’s Chris likes to go fishing so after we run I’m going to bring some things to do and he is going to fish for an hour or two and that’s fine with me.  Good way to spend some time outside.  Then Sunday I have a 10k Rum Run race.  And yes, there will be Rum in the form of mojitos.  Yummy!  And Hawaiian food.  It’s a fun event.  So 5 miles on Saturday and 6.2 miles on Sunday.  Good enough.  But ultimately I just need to get thru tonight’s run first.

 My brain is fairly all over the place today.  I’d really just like it to be 5 PM already.  And it’s Memorial Day weekend. And I have Monday off. And Monday is Chris’s Birthday and then Wednesday is my birthday. And yesterday was my dog Molly’s birthday.   Yup, random brain day.  Eek.  Okay. Sigh. Just relax.

merican, I was raised to believe I was entitled to 100% happiness, all day every day, until I died. But in our Declaration of Independence, we’re granted only the PURSUIT of happiness -
not actual happiness. The founders of this country were smart not to promise the tired, the poor and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free too much of a good thingHappiness can't be bottled. It can't be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they're at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination - so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.

The good news is that the pursuit of happiness is way better than being happy any day. The irony is that actual happiness blasts us across our faces, necks and chests all the time - but we’re so busy chasing the elusive notion of what happiness is to us at that moment, we tend to overlook the authentic bliss we create for ourselves and others in the process of simply trying to be happy. And by the time we realize these were, in fact, moments of happiness, it's too late: those moments are now memories.

Happiness can't be bottled. It can't be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they're at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination - so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.

Happiness can't be bottled. It can't be smoked, swallowed, shot or ejaculated. And there is no end game: you never cross the finish line and are suddenly happy. Even when all your wildest dreams come true, you still pursue happiness.

Thankfully, human beings are at their happiest when they feel they're at their most productive. So the only real happiness is the pursuit of happiness. When we chase happy, we feel our best. Life is about the journey, not the destination - so while the idea of happiness sounds great, it’s actually the pursuit of happiness that provides the most contentment. And in that pursuit, we are ultimately at our happiest.