Am I a Bitch?

Sometimes I can be a real bitch. I yo-yo thru my life all the time from moments of sympathy to moments of just hands down being a cold person.  Maybe it’s a selfish person. Maybe that’s what I am. I do fiercely love and care about the people that matter to me but on the other side of the coin (my Gemini duality at its best) I can also be the most self-involved selfish human being on earth.  Sometimes I don’t feel like my family totally understands or “gets” me.  This has been a forever struggle since the very first time almost 12 years ago that I attempted to lose weight.  It’s like the moment I stray from the family norm is the moment I become the outsider.  Honestly, I’ve been the outsider, the one most not like the others for a solid 12 years and counting.

Sometimes they are all so foreign to me. Like clearly I was born into the wrong family.  I love them dearly and they mean the world to me but  sometimes I just don’t get them.  And feeling like the odd one out can get old.  I’m mostly speaking to the idea of health and wellness.  I have very strong feelings on the topic and they have very strong feelings in the opposition of me.  Ultimately this just tends to distance myself from them.

I have a very strong solid identifiable goal of running a marathon on September 20.  This is a trackable, definable, obtainable goal.  In order to reach said goal I have to finally totally commit to a training and eating plan that is most conducive to said goal.  I don’t get to selectively pick and choose because of holidays or events that occur between now and then.  When is enough enough? When do I finally put my foot down and say No, I have to do this for me.  No, I have to make a sacrifice now for the greater picture?

When do I go from being following my goals to being a bitch?  It’s a tough call. It’s honestly something I’ve struggled with forever. I tend to get along much better with every member of my family when I am fat.  I always have.  My goals seems stupid and irrelevant to them.  That is if they come with actual sacrifice.  In theory they are all supportive, in actuality it’s a different story.

As we all know Mother’s Day is Sunday.  I love my mom to death. I do.  But I took her to the Garth Brooks concert and paid for it last month as her Mother’s Day present. I told her that. It’s not that I don’t want to see her on Sunday. On actual Mother’s Day. I do. I would.  That’s cool. BUT… I am not interested in the rest of my families plans. Does this make me a bitch? 

It’s like everyone doesn’t understand my goals.  I said I have a half marathon I am running in the morning. This requires me to get up early and drive the hour to the event. Run for 2 ½ hours, and then drive home an hour.  After rest I’d be willing to go see my mom. But I was informed that my family wants to go out to eat (shocker!) at a restaurant an hour farther North from where we live.  Thus an hour drive in the opposite direction.  I told my mom that I would not be attending. That aside from not thinking I’d be home at lunchtime (it will be early afternoon) I also would not be driving another hour in the other direction.  She seemed mad. Or disappointed.

I absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt know what my sisters are going to say. That I’m being a selfish bitch. That it’s mother’s day. Blah. Blah. Blah.  I get that. I really do.  BUT I have committed to a very important goal of mine and it requires sacrifice. Aside from wanting to run, I also don’t want to go out to eat.  I am trying very hard to detox and eat clean and I also don’t feel like spending the money.  If my family wanted to get together at my mom’s house I’d be totally up for it.  But I shall once again be the outsider because I don’t want to participate in the regular plans.

We all just have different tastes or ideas of fun.  Mine involves sweat and running and sometimes tears. It involves sacrifice and getting outside and being active.  They like to spend their time wine tasting.  Nothing wrong with wine tasting unto itself but that’s not the lifestyle for me.  I hate being persecuted for following my own path, for having my own dreams and desires.  It’s a good thing that they can’t kick me out of the family or really hate me because honestly I have a feeling if we weren’t blood related some of my sisters might actually want to disown me.  We are that different.  

Which leads me full circle to the idea that I am mildly once again disappointed in my family, in my mom actually because no one seems to be really able to make any amount of sacrifice for their health.  My mom was doing so good for a long while and then she just let it all go.  I mean, I have been there before so I’m trying to be encouraging, but it makes me sad.  It’s really about health and quality of life and I see it slipping  by her quickly.  I know she’s stressed and waiting for her dad to pass, I get that. But I also don’t have much faith in her once that happens.  She has basically said that she doesn’t want to give up eating out or drinking wine.  I don’t know. I’m trying not to be a judgmental bitch.  I really am. But it’s hard. It’s hard to constantly feel like the outsider and be punished for your own values.

This is where Chris & I have always bonded. He has always seen these issues my way. He is a small guy who likes to be active and fit and eat healthy. He is and has always been good for me in that respect.  Not judgmental of me.  Never said a word about my weight even when I was big.  Loved me just the same.  But always encouraging and supportive of whatever I wanted.  But in the end I am always grateful that his preference is a healthy solid lifestyle.  It helps me tremendously.

So I do feel like a bitch. I hate that. But my goals are important. And yes, right now I am feeling quite the afternoon slump as predicted.  Eek.  I will tell myself I just have to go run 3 miles. That’s all I need to do. All I need to accomplish, a 3 mile run. And then I can go home. But we will see. Got to get my head in the game this afternoon.

Anyway, here’s my fashion Friday as promised.