4 months

In exactly 4 months from today I will be on the island of Maui running a marathon, most likely at this exact time. Realizing that it is precisely 4 months away is terrifying.  When I first made this decision it seemed like months and months away (It was February so it was), but 4 months seems CLOSE. 4 months seems soon. Do you realize how quickly 4 months passes?  I do and that is what is terrifying.  Wow. Okay. It will all be okay. Just trust the process and I will be able to do it.  Trust the plan.  And by all accounts I am killing it on my plan. I am enjoying my plan and running so I guess I shouldn’t really feel the need to jump 4 months ahead just yet.

Yesterday I was off.  I think going to the gym Monday night and feeling like I had zero desire to strength train really threw me off.  I wasn’t looking forward to going last night at all. Like zero.  And then I walked outside after work, dressed in my workout clothes, and the weather was seriously so ridiculously perfect to run that I immediately thought, you know what, let’s just run outside.  Problem solved.  It was like I felt relief.  I am trying to give myself permission to do less than I have done.  I’m trying to give myself some slack and allow myself these next 4 months to focus on running.  I am so used to being the girl who does everything that sometimes I am so much harder on myself than I have any right to be. At the end of the day I don’t have to answer to anyone else but myself.  I have to do what is best for me.  And perhaps a little bit my husband.  But ultimately it’s about us and what we are doing. With that said I sure am glad we have the same goals in life. It’s nice that he loves to run to. I haven’t said it enough but it truly makes my life so much more enjoyable that we share the same thing.

Anyway, I remembered why going home immediately after work is hard.  Instead of instantly wanting to run, I really thought about not doing anything and sitting down on the couch instead.  It’s a very real struggle.  But I was already in my workout clothes so that made it a little easier.  I kept telling myself I only have to run 3 miles. I can do that.  No matter what I can run 3 miles.  So I put on my belt, loaded up the music and started to run.  The first little bit by your house before you hit actual roads is hard.  I had to cross a major road with traffic and I was not able to keep a good pace the first little bit.  For the first couple minutes it felt like torture. And then when I finally crossed into the gorgeous sidewalk rich neighborhood I felt great.  Like so great that I was running at a 9:30 pace, and then at times I was running at a 9 minute mile pace.  I managed that for a solid mile and a half.  Each turn felt easy and breathless. I was thoroughly enjoying the entire experience. It helped that the weather was crazy perfect for running which was the whole point to begin with.

Once I was on my game I felt amazing and did not regret this decision at all.  I felt reinvigorated.  I felt happiness and a sense of wholeness in my heart. The entire reason why I love running to begin with.  I don’t set out with any plan or route in mind. I just run and make split second decisions on turning when they are presented to me.  But when I got to 3 miles I knew I wasn’t really done yet and had already decided that I felt so good I was going to do 4.5 miles, which was one of the longer runs my training plan called for during the week. I’d knock out 4.5 miles right now.  And I didn’t regret this decision either.  Eventually around mile 3.75 I made a turn to head back towards my house.  After so many miles logged on roads outside over the course of last year I have a good inner sense of mileage. I knew I was about half a mile from my house and made all the appropriate turns to get me very close to my house around 4.5 miles.  In fact, I was turning onto my street at 4.42 miles and I was able to run up to my house at 4.48 miles, ran past just a moment and back and hit 4.5 miles in front of my house.  Perfect. 

Overall, it was a fabulous run.  With the having to slow at the start and end of the race for traffic an such my time was 44 minutes 50 seconds and was a 9:58 minute mile. But truthfully most of it was run at a better pace than that.  I’m getting a little faster and this was the proof in my mind that this training plan is working the way it’s supposed to. Sure I couldn’t keep up the 9:20 pace for the whole 4.5 miles. But keeping it for 1.5-2 miles is a step.  And every single step on every single run is getting me closer to my end game.  I  am feeling confident in my abilities and that’s what I needed.  This run was a far cry from some of those horrible runs I had where I couldn’t even keep an 11 minute mile pace not so long ago.  The more you do it, the better it gets. 

When I got home I felt high.  Seriously. On top of the world. And this is the feeling I can only get by running outside.  It doesn’t happen that often on a treadmill for obvious reasons. Most of those runs are really torturous at best.  There is nothing more organic and natural than running outside in beautiful weather with the fresh air surrounding you along tree lined streets.  There is just something magical about it.  And I tried to let go of the feeling that “only” doing a 45 minute run was good enough for the night.  That I wasn’t a failure because I didn’t put out more effort than that.  I am trying to forgive myself and pace myself a little bit.

I do however really feel like I need a night off tonight from running. Mentally I want to, but physically I think I would be better off taking a rest day from the run.  Sunday I did 13.1, Monday 3 miles and yesterday 4.5.   I think I should take today off.  Well, other than a 1.5 mile warm up run.  I can do that just to elevate my heart rate some.  Maybe I should try and run it fast. Do as much of a sprint as my body will allow.  And then I really need to do some strength training. I should be more excited about this than I am at the moment. 

I am obviously very running focused right now which I do believe happened to me last year at this time as well.  I kind of recall feeling this same exact way about the gym and my surroundings last year.  But the biggest difference between last year and this year is that I really don’t care this year about this fact.  Last year I felt conflicted and I let the gym world or people get inside my head.  This year, I know, in my heart, what I’m doing is perfect for me.  This is who I am. This is what I want. This is what is right for me.

I have accepted in the past year that running is my true love. And I make no apologies for choosing running over the gym and whatever consequences it may have on my body. Nope. Don’t care. Meaning if I have to sacrifice a certain amount of muscle for running.  What I gain from the running community is far greater.

I am exactly 1 week away from being 36 years old. I am beyond the point in my life where I have to justify my actions or decisions to other people.  I have no doubt the time will come again where I will want to step away from running and refocus on muscle building, but for now I am just doing what my heart desires.  And it says run, run, run. Happiness is found in a big shiny medal. And a t-shirt you will never wear of course!

I feel better today. I feel better than okay. And that is the single best endorsement I can think of for running. I only feel this way because I had a great run yesterday.  I’d say someday I will figure this all out, but I honestly sincerely doubt it.  Life is a constant ever changing battle against what is thrown at you.  No one ever really figures it all out.  But I know one thing for sure, in 4 months’ time I will be running around the island of Maui and I couldn’t be prouder of that decision.  And I’ll be danged if I won’t give it my all to be prepared when I get there!