Food Addiction

Hello, my name is Emily and I am a food addict. Yes, I have decided 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am addicted to food. I know this after my terrible weekend eating. I keep saying I can’t keep it together on the weekends but steadily more and more the weekends have crept into outright horrific eating patterns. This last weekend was ridiculously awful. There was simply no good reason for it, other than there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me completely addicted to food. Once I have a bite I can’t stop and somehow 1 bite turns into lots and lots of bites and then the craving for more and more. Pitiful.

And I love myself and the way I look and I have no desire to ever go back and I don’t think I will but I’ll be damned if I don’t get these stupid ridiculous cravings or urges to just eat. Lots of bad food. Clearly there is something off in my brain. A chemical imbalance if you will that causes some of us humans to not be able to control ourselves. I am one of those who wholeheartedly wishes there was more control. It’s like if I’m already eating bad then I might was well just go for the gusto and finish off the night with a bang, right? What if this happens to you like 4 nights in a row?

I am mortified and scared to weigh myself on Thursday morning. Scared I will have gained because holy shit I ate way to much crap food. I got this stupid sugar high from eating almond Roca and something in my brain could not stop and 1 piece turned into like 20 pieces. All hidden from my husband’s view of course. He finds this kind of behavior appalling and does not understand how someone has so little control or rather why anyone would not be satisfied with only one or two pieces of chocolate. Hello, I wish to God 1 or 2 would be enough but for my brain that is only the beginning trigger to must consume more.

Let me see… hmm… Thursday night I was exhausted and did not run and then ended up eating too much. I told myself Friday would be better I’d get back on track. I did do great during the day; I actually came home and had an awesome run. Then Chris and I went out to dinner and I was feeling good and thought hum… I ran, so it’s probably fine to order this delicious mixed alcoholic beverage. It was amazing but then that seemed to me like it might be okay to eat more when I got home. Chocolate dessert stuff. Oh well.

Saturday morning I got up and went to the gym with my mom. Now I will say this was a positive in my weekend. I had a good 40 minute run and then I did a bunch of new weight exercises. I got hit on by a guy in his 20’s I’m sure. He actually started with the classic line, “Do you come here often…” It went downhill from there. He wasn’t unattractive, he was cute but I just thought he seemed young plus I was all gross and there to workout. Still flattering though.

Then low and behold I did something quite uncharacteristic for myself, my mom and I took a Zumba class. Yup, this girl took a Zumba class. I felt like a fish out of water for sure. I am so ridiculously uncoordinated that it’s not even funny. I am also incredibly socially awkward at times and can’t really let go without alcohol so any form of dancing in public is difficult for me. I managed thru it but I did it, and I guess that is the important part.

Anyway, we made good choices for lunch, we had Quiznos and I did order the chips because I was like oh, it’s a Saturday I can indulge and have these Baked Lays. (This was the motto of my entire weekend I believe). So then my mom and sister and I went wine tasting. We started out at a cheese tasting, which was really cool. They let you sample all these amazing varieties of cheese. Yup, ate too much cheese. Whatever. Then we went to vineyards and sampled wine. I probably didn’t do too horrible on the wine front but I bought cheese from the cheese tastings and then when I got home I ate TONS of cheese. I don’t know what came over me but total cheese addiction. Smoked cheddar, Gouda’s, bre cheese, Havarti cheese’s… Amazing. And Mike’s Light. Drank lots of Mike’s light to. Oh, and my bout with Almond Roca. Lots of it. And candy. Spree’s candy.

Sunday I intended to be much better. I was, for a while. My legs ended up burning on me yesterday morning and I felt like I couldn’t walk normally from all the extra different types of exercise I did at the gym. There went the idea that I would be running later so somehow that became the excuse to eat whatever I wanted. We ended up at pita pit for lunch. Still a healthy choice by all accounts. Chips again for this girl. THEN… because it’s the weekend and surely I can indulge we got frozen yogurt and I mean, I loaded up on the yogurt and toppings. And I ate it all. The guilt was really kicking in at this point, but for some reason this did not stop me. Somehow by Sunday night I was consuming Veggie Chips by the handful out of the bag, more Almond Roca and more candy. Oh, and more cheese and Mike’s. I turned down a walk with Chris and Molly (my dog) and instead ended up eating. Ridiculous.

I am not proud of my behaviors at all. I mean, Sure I ran and made some decent decisions but really with the almond Roca and candy and excessive cheese. I felt like a girl out of control and it saddened my heart. I don’t mind indulging a little here and there. Truly I don’t. And I will feel zero guilt about eating and indulging in Maui, but for no good reason to string together 4 pitiful days of pitiful choices? So not like me at all.

I am not giving up or throwing in the towel. I am going to try and try again. Tonight I plan to run again. My legs are still a little throbby but much better than this morning. I rubbed some Bengay on them not to long ago and I think that might be helping some. I will run tonight to try and mitigate some of the damage already done. For what it’s worth I ate well today.

The stupid part is not that I ate all the crap it was that I wasn’t really even hungry. I was eating for other reasons that I can’t quite put my finger on. If it is a mindful decision or choice I can live with it. Like the alcoholic beverage at Red Lobster on my Friday night date night. That is something I can live with. Eating handfuls of almond Roca quickly is not something I can get behind. I’m better than that. My body deserves better than that.

So tonight I will run and hopefully that will lift my spirits and make things better. Clearly there will be no loss this week for this girl of excessive binges. Apparently I am just too damned comfortable with myself right now that I think it’s okay to eat that way; and it’s just not. Exercise is great and important but we lose and gain weight really by the food choices we make. I deserve a gain for my efforts the past four days. I need to balance it out now the next three with good choices.

I have like four weeks until Maui and I’ll be damned if I am going to gain any weight before I go. I need to quit acting like I can eat whatever the fuck I want; because I can’t. I need to remember that I do not want to go back and I’ve worked too hard to ever allow that kind of behavior again. Time to get back to the basics. Again. Fresh Start.